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About This Blog
My name is Clint, and welcome to Learning Domestic Discipline.
This blog started after I began practicing Domestic Discipline in my own marriage and realized there were very few reliable, clean, and to the point resources out there available for those who are new to Domestic Discipline, want to know more about it, or simply need help.
I don't know everything about Domestic Discipline, nor do I claim to. What I do know, however, is that Domestic Discipline has done wonders for my wife and I's marriage, and I feel it will for everyone if it is done correctly.
The entries and information on this blog are meant to be a template that you can use to incorporate into your marriage. My hope is that you will use the suggestions and guidelines recommended and mold them into a design that works for your relationship. I also hope for Learning Domestic Discipline to continue to become a place where people can go to get support and advice, encouragement, or simply learn more about this marital tool.
Please note that all the entries on this blog, as well as the name Learning Domestic Discipline, are copyrighted and all copyright laws apply. Also, please note that by choosing to implement any of the suggestions on this blog you acknowledge that you are over the age of 18 and you are choosing to do so at your own risk. The author(s) of this blog will not be held legally responsible for your own behavior.
Thank you all for reading. It truly means a lot.
--Clint
This blog started after I began practicing Domestic Discipline in my own marriage and realized there were very few reliable, clean, and to the point resources out there available for those who are new to Domestic Discipline, want to know more about it, or simply need help.
I don't know everything about Domestic Discipline, nor do I claim to. What I do know, however, is that Domestic Discipline has done wonders for my wife and I's marriage, and I feel it will for everyone if it is done correctly.
The entries and information on this blog are meant to be a template that you can use to incorporate into your marriage. My hope is that you will use the suggestions and guidelines recommended and mold them into a design that works for your relationship. I also hope for Learning Domestic Discipline to continue to become a place where people can go to get support and advice, encouragement, or simply learn more about this marital tool.
Please note that all the entries on this blog, as well as the name Learning Domestic Discipline, are copyrighted and all copyright laws apply. Also, please note that by choosing to implement any of the suggestions on this blog you acknowledge that you are over the age of 18 and you are choosing to do so at your own risk. The author(s) of this blog will not be held legally responsible for your own behavior.
Thank you all for reading. It truly means a lot.
--Clint
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160 comments:
I am pleased to find this blog. My husband and I are newbies. We read your blog together. It's a great place for us to grow together. Please keep posting!!!
@Anonymous - I'm glad the blog helps you! Congratulations on beginning a DD marriage. It's the best decision you and your spouse have made. :)
-- Clint
Thank you for creating this blog! The articles are very clear and easy to understand and I really like how the tone of your explanations show DD in a loving light, it is the best I've come across and I look forward to future readings.
@Anonymous - Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it and I certainly hope it's helpful. I appreciate the kind words. Comments like that make it all worth it.
-- Clint
Have you ever tried caspian cream??? I heard its a silent spanker... gives the same sting but people cant hear you do it
@Anonymous - Yes, Caspian Cream is an effective "silent spanker". I plan on writing a blog entry about Silent Spankings in the near future.
-- Clint
Oh thats would be great if you do!!!! My husband and I are very curious about silent spankers. A lot of the time we have to wait or postpone punishment for a few days because of noise problems? what other silent spankers are there?
@Anonymous - Caspian Cream is the only silent spanker I'm comfortable recommending. There is one other option, but it isn't one I would advise you our your spouse to use.
-- Clint
Ok... I am just wondering whaat it is?? Out if curiosity. We probably would not use it be. We are still hesitant about caspian.
@Anonymous - Caspian Cream is actually cream for arthritis. When applied directly on the buttocks, it gives a burning/stinging sensation similar to what a person would feel after a spanking. It can be purchased at any drug store, like a Walgreen's (if you live in the United States).
-- Clint
I meant what is the other option. The one you wouldnt advise us to use
@Anonymous - Oh, sorry I misunderstood. I'd rather not post it here in the comments. Shoot me an email at LearningLDD@gmail.com and I'll let you know if you'd really like to know.
-- Clint
Your blog is not the only source of reliable information out there. It simply covers topics that the others don’t. Would have been nice to have 5 years ago. What I would like to see discussed are the emotional aspects of DD. I was not prepared for the defiance I felt. How hard it was to submit when it came time for punishment or the flood of emotions that hit me. Now I am prepared for it and it has gotten easier with time. Also missing is how hard this can be for an HOH. It can get discouraging when his wife asks for DD and then defies him at every turn. It is too easy to back down when push comes to shove. Yes, confidence grows with time but seeing another man write about the topic would be helpful to those seeking information.
Quite frankly, I'm addicted to your blog. I find myself coming several times a day to see what's new LOL
I hope that the blog doesn't go the way others often do and are hot in the beginning but then fizzle up.
I agree with Little Missie that I would like to hear your opinions on how men cope emotionally with discipling their wives. Another idea would be on maintenance spankings/discipline. I'd like to hear about silent spankers - never heard of 'em and interested - especially for those times when travelling or staying with relatives etc...
Thank you for the blog!
@Anonymous - I'm glad you enjoy the blog! Thank you so much for reading. The blog is nothing without it's readers and I'm truly grateful for your support.
I promise to do everything I can to keep the content of the blog fresh and relevant. DD is such a complex topic that there will always be something new to write about or discuss. I also want to have numerous recipes and other off-topic things on the blog, but I've been focusing on getting content on here for the first few months before starting things like that. Anyway, I certainly don't want it to "fizzle out" either, and I'll make sure that doesn't happen. :)
Your ideas for topics are all great ones. I'm all about giving the readers the information/topics they want to know about, so please keep your ideas coming. That helps me determine what to write about next, and gives me a better idea of what readers are interested in. Thank you so much. All the topics you mentioned in your comment will be included on the blog in the coming weeks and months.
Again, I appreciate your support of Learning Domestic Discipline so much!
-- Clint
J says,
Thank you for your blog - love the insightful information. How do you do your DD counselling? I'm struggling with how to maintain a DD marriage with children. I don't want them to see me getting spanked as I think that would be upsetting to them. I'm not sure what I would say if they asked me about what was going on with their Dad and I. How to you manage this issue with children?
Thank you in advance for the advice.
@J - I'm glad you're enjoying the blog. Thank you so much for your kind words.
I do my DD counseling by talking with clients in person, or in private chat rooms, or clients will email me with questions, or if I've become friends with them, we'll even communicate through text messages sometimes. It just depends on the situation.
You're absolutely right about not having your children see this. It's something they won't understand. If a spanking is necessary, you're going to have to wait to conduct the spanking when the children are out of the house. When they're at school, at a friends house, with their grandparents, etc. Or you could spank when they're asleep late at night. Silent spankings would be an option, but I would only use those if you absolutely cannot conduct a traditional spanking. Sometimes you have to get creative to make sure your children don't get involved by seeing any of this.
-- Clint
tried to join your group but for some reason the link keeps saying its expired and can't verify my email. Sucks
@Anonymous - I'm not sure what the problem is. This link isn't saying expired (for me, at least) so try this one. http://learningdd.ning.com/main/authorization/signUp? (make sure to copy & paste the entire link, including the ?)
As far as your email, it can verify emails on pretty much all platforms (Yahoo, Gmail, AOL, Hotmail, Comcast, etc). If you are having problems, email me at learningLDD@gmail.com and I can try to sign you up without a verification. Also, make sure you check your spam folders.
-- Clint
I'm kind of disappointed that your social network requires payment. While I do enjoy reading your blog and have been reading since your very first postings, now it's lost a bit of credibility since money is involved. I was under the impression that you felt so genuinely about the topic, that you wanted to provide a source of information and support for this topic? Truth is, we do not know of your qualifications, nor know you from the next guy. This is just my opinion.
Other than that, I still enjoy reading the blog. Congratulations on your new baby.
@Anonymous - I understand and respect your opinion. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for the congrats on the baby! He's doing great. :)
-- Clint
Ok first of all...
Social Network is separate from his BLOG, therefore you do not have to play for his advice and opinion. The social network is somewhere that we ALL collaborate and share our thoughts, feelings and ideas... not just clints. Clint genuinely care abut the topic as why his blog is for everyone. If you care about DD and wanted to connect with others then the social network is for you.
Okay, I'll give it a try. It's not the price, it's the principal. I'll try it for one month. Clint, can you activate my profile quickly so I can catch your chat tonight? Thanks and sorry for the last minute decision!
-AC
@AC - Just approved your membership. You're all set!
-- Clint
Hi Clint, I'm really enjoying your blog. I like your wife's too. My husband and I have been trying to get into a DD lifestyle off and on for more than 4 yrs. This last time was his idea. The one obstacle that we just can't get over is consistency on his part. An entry on this topic would be great, especially if you include how you overcame this issue (if it was one). Congratulations on the baby!
@Terri - Thank you so much! We can't believe our little guy is already a month old. Talk about a quick month.
I'm glad you're enjoying our blogs, and I think a consistency entry is a great idea for my blog. Thank you. I'll keep that in mind for a future post.
I hope you and your family are doing well. All the best to you.
-- Clint
Hey Clint and Chelsea
Hope all is well with you guys...not alot of activity on the blog past week or so. I'm sure you are busy, and I hope that's all it is. You've mentioned being a bit behind lately on a comment or two. Sence I'm not on the social network I'm a little out of the loop...just wanted to say hey and I hope its just a temporary thing.
take care
newbie
Over a million hits to the blog!!
Congratulations!!
Dear Clint,
I'm enjoying your blog and find it very informative but I have a few questions. While my husband and I are interested in this new DD lifestyle we very much both Alpha people. He married me because I call him on his crap and I married him because he has a back bone. It's actually worked out quite well and our "Alphas" rarely come out unless it's a huge huge issue.
We've already agreed that if one of us breaks a rule it's either bedroom time or spanking (which of course both have to agree) Now when it comes to spanking my husband because I don't have much arm strength as he does is there anyway I can improve it or merely use a hair brush? When it comes to him spanking me thats no problem lol. So any suggestions?
@Christina - Thank you! I'm still in shock at that number. Thank you for supporting the blog, and if anyone else is reading this comment, thank you for reading as well. It's you, the reader, that makes all the work I put into the blog worth it. Thank you so much.
@Anonymous - I understand how you and your husband have chosen to practice DD, however I don't have any suggestions for you, unfortunately. It's absolutely nothing personal whatsoever, but I don't support the Spencer Discipline Plan method of Domestic Discipline that you and your spouse are practicing. I feel having two HOH's within the same household will cause more problems than it solves. Having said that, my wife included a link to more information on the Spencer Discipline Plan way of practicing Domestic Discipline if you'd like to read it. That link is included in her post entitled, "The Woman's Perspective: What if my Husband Breaks a Rule?"
All the best to you.
-- Clint
Hi Clint,
My husband and I are thinking about doing a bootcamp. Could you give us your (personalizable)outline that I've read so much about?
Thanks,
Lizzie
@Lizzie - Sure. Email me at LearningLDD@gmail.com.
-- Clint
Clint, can you suggest any DD counselors? I'm trying to get my husband on board with this and I think having someone else verify this type of marriage would go a long way for him. I've already broached the subject but didn't get too far. We live in MA, so not sure if that makes a difference b/c I'm not sure how it works--online via email or actually in person. Thank you for any assistance you can provide!
Hello Clint. My husband and I wanted to let you know that we have decided to follow what you write in your blog for our DD relationship to the letter. We're telling you this (he's sitting right here while I type this) because we've attempted this before without much information to help us and ended up quitting due to frustration. We started talking about it again recently and decided to turn to the internet for help and found your blog. THANK YOU for taking the time to share your experience with us.
We have made a promise to each other to do this, starting very soon, using your rules, advice, etc., and give it a year, using Halloween as our date to go by next year to see if it is working for us. We know it will, if we knew more answers to our questions when they come up...which is why we're reading on your blog as much as possible.
We have a question before we can "officially" start, and hopefully you can clear it up for us. :)
During the time we didn't practice DD, I used that as an excuse to not continue with a responsibility of mine, which is the very reason we started DD in the first place because of my inconsistency with it. (health issue)
We are wondering if we need to address that since we are about to start this. What are your thoughts on this, when you have the time.
Also, we were wondering about the boot camp book? Have you written that, is so, where can we purchase it?
Thank you.
@Anonymous (October 16th 4:05 PM) - Yes, I can give you a DD counselor that you can speak with. He works in North Carolina, but he's been a friend and colleague of mine for years and I unequivocally trust him. I know the firm he works for takes online clients (most sessions are conducted via personal online chat in a chat room owned by the firm) so I'm sure you could make arrangements with him and go from there. I don't know what he or his firm charges per hour though, unfortunately. Anyway, email me at LearningLDD@gmail.com and I will give you his email so you can contact him. He's a terrific counselor. I can't say enough about him.
@Anonymous (October 16th 4:15 PM) - Wonderful! I'm so happy to hear that you're giving Domestic Discipline a try. I'm confident in the advice on this blog, and I know it will give you both the results you're looking for. Just remember to take your time with everything, and feel free to ask any questions you may have right here in the comments. It may take me a day or two, but I'll get to your questions. I promise.
In regards to your inconsistency with a health issue - I would say that's a perfect place to start. If this is a health issue, I'm sure it's rather serious and something you should be addressing as quickly as possible. This should be the first problem you and your husband address as you start your Domestic Discipline lifestyle. It sounds important, and it's best to address it as quickly as you can.
The boot camp book is currently in the process of being written. I'm shooting to have it finished by mid-November. Keep in mind, however, that my wife and I have a 3 month old baby, and obviously my family will be my first priority if anything happens to come up. That's the only thing I can really see delaying things, but you can expect it sometime in the middle of November. I'm still exploring options as to which publisher I'm going with, but as soon as I have more details/information on the book and how/where to purchase it, I will post it on the blog.
Thank you for reading the blog, and thank you for your interest in the book! There isn't a doubt in my mind that the information on this blog will help your marriage immensely. Please check back often and let me know how things are going. A lot of commenters post anonymously, so if you can give me some kind of name (even if it isn't your real name) so I can identify with you a little better, that would be great. :)
I wish you the very best of luck!
-- Clint
Hello again Clint. Thanks for the quick response, we know and understand you can't always respond quickly as you did this time. Also, congrats on the baby! :)
After reading your reply, we want to make sure you understand we're not beginning this as first-timers...we are attempting to try this a second time. During the couple of months we had put this on hold, was when I quit being consistent doing my health responsibilities.
Before we start this up again, probably this week, we want to know if we need to address me not doing them while we weren't practicing DD.
These health issues were the very reason we did start DD in the first place...so we've already established that's the biggest "rule", but thanks to your couple's challenge, we now have a whole new list of "rules" we've been working on. lol
Our names are Gene and Denise. Yours is the only reference we are using for our DD lifestyle.
Thanks!!
@Denise - Whoops, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you weren't first timers. I didn't read your first comment carefully enough. I understand now. :)
I still think the health issue is the first issue you should address. You have to start somewhere, and where this is the most pressing problem, I would start with that.
I'm glad you took the rules challenge! It's the most important one, no question about it. I'm sure you both have set some fair rules for the household/marriage.
Best of luck to both of you as you start the DD journey once again.
-- Clint
Hello again Clint. It's Gene and Denise AGAIN, with another question. We're trying to work out the issues we had before when we tried DD and quit. One of our biggest issues was I have a very hard time confessing and I had an even harder time with him trying to question me. It frustrated him because I would end up making him feel bad for trying to help me with issues and well, you get the idea...till we finally just stopped altogether. Any helpful advice on this?
(As we wrote you the other day, we are going to do this exactly according to what you write in your blog and your advice to us on here as well.)
Gene and Denise
Hi Clint
Thankyou for your wonderful website!
My husband and I have been practiing LDD for about 6 months. Right now I get spanked by hand or belt approx 3-5 times per week, mostly at my request. We both read your website regularly and are looking forward to conducting a boot camp!
My concern/question is that my husband doesnt spank me hard enough or long enough. I usually get about 10-20 strokes of hand or belt and its just not enough to change anything. Ive told him I need it harder and longer but he just passes it off as a sexual request and not a constructive disciplinary request.
So how should I get my husband to take my spankings to the next level?
Regards Adelene
@Gene and Denise - Confessing to your spouse is really hard to do. I certainly understand that. You're exactly right when you say your spouse is trying to help you with the issue, and he needs to know exactly what happened. He should be able to trust his wife that she will give him the truth no matter what, good or bad.
With that said, if you two see yourself in this position again, chances are Gene already has a strong idea of what happened and he just wants to hear it from you. He wants to know his wife will be truthful, even in times of pressure. So, if you start giving him a hard time when he's questioning you about what happened, what I would recommend Gene do is have you do bedroom time until you're ready to discuss the problem in a mature fashion. At that point you're being punished for your lack of communication, but at the same time you can control the length of your punishment by simply agreeing to discuss the problem like adults.
Once you agree to discuss the problem in a constructive fashion with Gene, then your bedroom time would be over and you two can continue on with the discussion. After Gene determines what happened and decides the best course of action on how to handle it, then whatever punishment he decides to administer should be carried out. Again, when the punishment time comes, it's important that you be cooperative with him so things don't get worse for you. I understand being punished isn't an easy thing to go through, but I promise you that the more you cooperate the better things will go.
I hope this helps and best of luck to you both. Also, you can ask as many questions as you need to. :)
-- Clint
@Adelene - It sounds like you've taken the most important step already, which is communicating to your spouse about how you feel. It's important for the wife to give feedback about any aspect of Domestic Discipline so her husband can take that information and mold the way you both practice DD into what will work best for your marriage. So I'm happy to hear you've already taken that step.
There's no magic way of "getting your husband to take spankings to the next level." No advice I give is going to "make" him do anything. With that said, I encourage you to continue talking to him about this, and keep encouraging him to increase the intensity of the spanking. Reassure him that there are not any sexual implications behind your request - you simply want the full benefit from Domestic Discipline.
Spanking 3-5 times per week is quite a bit. I can't imagine your husband enjoying spanking you that frequently for your behavior. Spanking to punish generally isn't pleasant to begin with, and if he has to spank that frequently, then clearly he isn't happy with your regular behaviors. If he wants to decrease the amount of spanking sessions per week, and if he wants to see improvements in long-term behavior, he's going to have to spank more intensely, but I think you already know that.
I'm sorry I'm not more helpful in this, but what it boils down to is communication. Just keep working with him, and keep expressing your concerns. Hopefully he will see that you want this and will make the necessary adjustments.
Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
Thank you Clint for your advice and constructive criticism of this situation. We really do appreciate your time and willingness to help us.
Until next time, lol ;)
Gene and Denise
Thanks Clint
Your message was most helpful!
Regards
Adelene
Your website is great! A strong commitent to helpful spanking - no instructions to thruds but a sensitive mind for everything necessary in a HoH relationship. Thank you for your valuable tried advices.
@bluntly - Thank you so very much. That's very kind of you to say, and I certainly appreciate it.
All the best to you, bluntly.
-- Clint
My husband and i have always practiced DD from the start of our relationship and now marriage. But my husband really just swats. Example if im avoiding bedtime then he will threaten to give me a spanking and if i still don't listen i will prolly get 5-10 quick swats sometimes bare sometimes not. I dont enjoy them and i usually quit but its not fixing the behavior overall. I suggested that he do a more drawn out official spanking and he agreed but then in the heatt of the moment its always a swat. Or in somecases i smack on my thigh or even a pop my mouth. its always immediate.
@Anonymous - Have you told your husband how you feel about the swats? It's important to communicate with your spouse anything that you feel would improve the marriage in any way, and if you feel spankings (in a more formal sense) would help, then I encourage you to talk to him about making spankings a more frequent part of your marriage. I understand you suggested this to him, but perhaps a more lengthy discussion about it would help. For anything to change/improve, you're going to have to express your thoughts and feelings with your spouse to see any kind of change. I wish you the best of luck with this, and I hope things improve the way you want them to.
-- Clint
Hi Clint, Mistress and I have been discussing the idea of Boot Camp, which you wrote about so well a few weeks back. In your blog post you said you were working on a much more comprehensive guide to Boot Camp. Is that nearing completion? We'd love to get a chance to study that before we embark on our regime.
Clint,
I love your blog and we have learned a lot from it. I know you have given information about your background on here but I can't find it. My husband is asking. When I use the search feature it doesn't seem to really show me where the words I'm searching for are. Will you please help me understand it better? And will you give some information about your background for my husband to read?
Thank you,
TD
@TD - I'm happy to hear the blog is a useful resource for your marriage. Hopefully it's helping you both.
I gave my background in a comment on the "FAQ - Ask Your Questions" post. I responded to a commenter named C.J. when she asked a similar question. I encourage you (and your husband) to read that comment. I think it'll answer your questions. If it does not, let me know.
All the best.
-- Clint
Thanks I found it.
TD
Clint, thanks for providing a healthy approach to this DD lifestyle. Wondering if you have completed the Boot Camp book? Would love to order a copy.
Respectfully
j
@TD - You're most welcome.
@j - Yes, the boot camp book is finished. All you need to do to order one is copy and paste this link in to your browser and you can purchase it there:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/a-how-to-guide-to-domestic-discipline-boot-camp/18675887
Thank you for buying the book! I hope you enjoy it and I would love to hear your feedback on it once you've read it over.
All the best.
-- Clint
Clint, if you are interested in having this book published in print immediately, please contact Blushing Books at blushingcs@gmail.com They can help you.
@Anonymous (December 2nd 9:25 AM) - Thank you. I'll keep that in mind when the times comes to print.
-- Clint
very interesting blog!
@Anonymous (December 15th 1:22 AM) - Thank you! I hope you find it helpful/useful for your marriage.
All the best to you!
-- Clint
Hello, been a lurker here for awhile. Thank you for the abundance of information! My wife and I both appreciate it. I hope you are enjoying the holidays.
I am writing regarding the book you recently published, the guide to DD boot camp. I have downloaded it, and finally got it to open on my Mac, but can't for the life of me get it onto my iphone which is where I do all of my reading (usually in bed while my wife sleeps since she gets tired before I do). Is there a way you can email me a copy, or can you tell me how to tranfer it to my iphone? My email is romanticfyre@yahoo.com. You can verify that I did purchase a copy on LuLu, my account there (wife's account) is Kristenabella. Thank you, and again, thank you for this site!
I was able to download an app called txtr and get it on that. You do have to register for it but it worked for me on my iPad.
Ok, I'll try it. Thank you!
Hi I am new to all of this me and my husband have just started DD. I do think its helped our marriage a lot but I am also very frustrated as I think my husband is unfair about situations sometimes. I tried talking to him about it but he just doesn't want to discuss it and says this is how it is. I understand I need punishing and it makes me a better wife which has helped us so much but sometimes I don't know.
Basically a quick example we both agreed to go to the shop later on and we needed to go together as there was a lot to buy, anyway it was getting late and I asked him if we could go as we needed to go get back make dinner etc, but he didn't want to go he was watching something on TV he said we will go later, so I left it an hour ask him again as we really needed to get dinner on, he still didn't want to go and I felt we needed to go so I ask nicely a few times he got annoyed then I was really frustrated so I did shout, swear and was moody towards him. He was really angry and I was punished there and then I was spanked and then had my mouth washed out with soap for talking back then I had to do corner time with my hands on my head for an hour, then I had to say sorry and then we went to the shops. I know I should never shout or talk back but I don't think he was being fair in the situation as we had to go to the shop when he felt like it.
That was just an example just situations like this I don't find fair, am I in the wrong? I am still new to this so maybe I have got it wrong maybe he should decide when we go somewhere even if I don't agree. Did I deserve to be punished? I tried talking to him about it but he just says I follow his rules and I should never shout or back chat him if I don't agree. If this is right then I will learn to do so.
I hope I haven't confused you too much. If you could please explain or give your opion on this situation.
Many thanks
My bf and I just started DD and I was just wondering if it was fair that I am not allowed to rub my behind after a spanking or I get more. Also I was wondering what to use that is quiet for when I need punshied in the bedroom when we have company?
Hi everyone, I was hoping you could help, My husband wants to start DD I have done a lot of research and I feel I have a good understanding of it all. I'm just unsure about what to expect from spanking, I have never been spanked for punishment, it sounds so painful I'm so scared! Does it hurt as much as everyone makes out? How long does the pain last after spanking? I know its meant to hurt but I'm worried on how much. If you get time to let me know thank you.
Helovesme123
I don't think you should be aloud to rub after your spanking if you do you deserve another in my opinion. And if you read through this blog there is a post about silent spanking, it is a cream or something it sounds very painful though so I would try and avoid this if i were you! good luck!
I have read a lot about maintenance spankings and I don't really see the point. I just got 20 smacks from a wooden spoon this morning for not waking up. Do I really need maintenance before bed?
@Anonymous (December 29th 3:35 PM) - Do you have iBooks on your iPhone? If Learning to Iron's advice didn't help, I can email you how to get it on iBooks if you have that feature on your iPhone. You can comment here, or email me at LearningLDD@gmail.com.
@Learning to Iron - Thank you for your advice to the previous commenter! I really appreciate that.
@Anonymous (December 31st 12:49 PM) - In the example you've given, I don't feel you are in the wrong. I agree that it was unfair of him to punish for something that could have been avoided had he simply gone to the shops. Since you said you both agreed to it, I don't see why he was so reluctant to go, which in turn caused you to get upset. I don't blame you at all for being upset with his - sorry to be so blunt - laziness.
This is a unique situation, obviously. Under "normal" circumstances I feel it's absolutely fair to punish for cussing, backtalking, etc., however in this instance you were somewhat provoked, so I feel there needs to be a bit of a compromise. I feel it's fair of him to punish for it, however I do feel the punishment he administered was excessive. You got three punishments (spanking, soap, corner time) for one offense. One offense should carry one punishment. What that punishment is is up to the HoH of course, but where the escalation of your frustration was his fault, I would have recommended the punishment be something light like corner time. Yes, you were disrespectful and punishment for it should ensue, but where it was mostly his fault, the punishment should be light. I hope that makes sense. It's important to be fair in a DD lifestyle, and in the situation you described, I feel your husband was unfair to you for the already stated reasons. I also feel that if your husband agrees to something and you ask him to follow through with it later, he should do it. This is just my opinion, of course, since you asked for it.
It sounds like you've tried talking to him and he's a bit stubborn about how DD is practiced in your marriage, but it's important he listen to your concerns and be fair when administering punishments. I'd continue trying to discuss these things with him. I wish you the best of luck with this.
-- Clint
Hi its me again, Thank you so much for replying I really do understand what your saying. I decided to talk to him again but when he was in a good mood. I got a much better response from him he agreed he was harsh with my punishments but he said he reacted in the moment he was angry and the way I had spoke to him and my attitude towards him, which I totally understand and he did say in future he will calm down before I get a punishment so he isn't unfair about it. So this made me feel a lot better.
He still says I wasn't right to bother him so much about going to the shop, as he works long hours and it was his only day off that week and he was enjoying his films. I don't work as we have just moved country but I am looking for work, so I don't have a lot to do so really it should be my job to do the shopping which I do understand it is just frustrating when he said we would go together and he got into lazy mode and changed his mind.
If you have time could you maybe answer this questions but no rush. A bit of a random question would you punish your wife if she didn't eat breakfast lunch and dinner everyday? I sometimes skip meals just because I am not a big eater I am petite but thats just the way I have always been, I don't have an eating problem or anything. My husband seems to always worry if I haven't eaten if he finds our I have not skipped a meal this really upsets him and I will get punished, I don't skip meals by purpose I just don't feel hungry mostly in the morning so I seem to force myself to eat breakfast so I don't get punished. I sometimes find big meals hard to eat too, I don't have to eat it all but I have to eat enough or I can't leave the table. Do you think my husband is right to make me eat 3 meals a day, The only time I don't have to is if i am ill. I know he only cares and I do respect that but I'm not a breakfast person and I get really frustrated when I have to eat. I never have to eat huge amounts just enough. Would you do this to your wife?
I really love and enjoy you blog so much, everything you say makes so much sense. So thank you!
@Helovesme123 - I recommend no rubbing of the buttocks after a spanking, so yes, I do feel it's fair of your boyfriend to help you learn not to do so. Rubbing of the buttocks after a spanking can subdue/ease the stinging and pain, which is counterproductive to the purpose of the punishment.
The quietest implements I recommend using are a switch or a cane, and silent spankings can be effective as well. I've written a post about silent spankings and I encourage you and your boyfriend to read it. If you choose to use a cane, please be cautious when using it. It delivers a very intense sting, and that particular implement needs to be respected more than others. You can find where to purchase one on the "Spanking Implements" post on the blog.
I hope this helps you, Helovesme123. Good luck!
@Anonymous (January 2nd 1:03 PM) - I completely understand your concern. When people first start out with a DD lifestyle, there are numerous apprehensive feelings they go through, one of which being fear. It's particularly intense if the recipient has never been spanked before. Your concerns are normal, and valid.
With that said, it's difficult to answer your question for a couple of reasons. First, every woman has a different pain threshold, so something that one woman considers to be rather painful may not be so to another woman. It's also difficult to say how intense the pain will be from the spanking since there are so many variables - what implement is used, how firm the strikes are, over or under the clothing, etc. As you can see, there are numerous aspects that correlate with the intensity of the sting/pain.
Spanking should yield a sting, no doubt. Where you're just starting out, I'd imagine your husband will ease into spanking (as he should) and your first spanking won't be overly painful. You two will work together, taking the feedback from each other, to shape the way you spank in the future. When you find what yields the best results from a behavior standpoint is how you both should continue on spanking. Will it be painful? Yes it will, however it's a temporary pain that is typically gone in a few hours (depending on the variables previously mentioned).
Your question simply depends on too many different things, but I hope my answer made sense to you. Fear in understandable, but once you and your husband become more familiar with spanking, things will become easier for you.
Good luck!
@Anonymous (January 2nd 1:48 PM) - Thank you for offering your advice to the previous commenter. I agree with your advice, and appreciate you helping out. All the best to you.
-- Clint
@Anonymous (January 2nd 2:34 PM) - With all due respect, your question is more for your husband than it is for me. The most honest answer I can give you is I don't know if you need maintenance before bed. If your husband feels it necessary, then he must see some benefit from doing so. I encourage you to discuss this matter with your husband and decide together what will work best for you both.
Good luck!
@Anonymous (January 3rd 1:14 PM) - Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy the blog. It makes the time and effort I put into it worth it. I'm also happy to hear you and your husband discussed things constructively, and came to a resolution that works well for you both. Great job! :)
As for the eating thing - I understand your husband's concern with it. It sounds like you do as well. I'm sure he just wants you to be healthy. I also understand your perspective as I have a petite wife who doesn't require three big meals a day, either. My perspective on this situation is this - if the wife is healthy (meaning she gets a clean bill of health from her doctor after routine doctor visits), then I see no need for the HoH to take any kind of action. She's healthy, so punishing for eating small portions, or skipping an occasional meal, seems pointless when she's perfectly healthy. So no, I wouldn't punish in that situation.
If the wife has some sort of health concern (over/under weight, malnourished, etc.) then I feel it's appropriate for the husband to take the necessary action to ensure his wife get back on a healthy track. If that means he must punish if his wife isn't eating or is skipping meals, then so be it. In this situation, I would punish for it.
So that's my perspective on both sides. I hope it made sense to you and I certainly hope it helps. Best of luck to you!
-- Clint
How about a new recipe?
@Hungry Football Fan - That's a great idea! I'll post a new one this afternoon. I love the username, by the way. I'm looking forward to the games tomorrow!
-- Clint
@damselfly - It's normal to fear a spanking, but what concerns me is you using the term "irrationally scared". You shouldn't be experiencing any hyperventilation, cold sweats, jittery movements and that sort of thing. Being nervous about the spanking is one thing, but being terrified is another. If this is something you're experiencing, I'd highly recommend you discuss your "irrational" fear with your spouse. He would need to comfort and reassure you, and tone things down a bit so you don't get so upset. That's not good.
With that said, I think this may be a case of over-thinking things a little bit, which can lead to someone getting overly upset. You acknowledged that you "won't come to actual harm", so I get the impression your spouse knows what he's doing and is in complete control of himself. BUT, if this is a frequent occurrence for you, then communicating with him is essential. It's better to be safe than sorry.
You're not alone in fearing spankings. That's normal and healthy for a DD relationship. You should fear a spanking. That's the motivation for you to think before you act, which is crucial in correcting unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental behaviors. However like I said, if this is indeed "irrational" fear, then the appropriate steps need to be taken to get things back on the healthy track going forward.
Good luck to you, and I certainly with you the best.
-- Clint
It's over with now and we're good. We have talked, and concluded that my fear of correction spankings is the way things ought to be. Probably I didn't fear them enough in earlier days. As he pointed out, I can easily avoid them altogether by altering my attitude but not by questioning his decisions. Otherwise they will keep happening.
Thankyou both for this great site ive just discoverd this and ive added it to my favourites. There are some weird sites out there, and as a married woman its great to have one without debasing images etc. My husband and I ahve been practicing DD since 2009 and its been quite a journey, my advise is to persevere with it ..its so worth it...thankyou Clint for the man's perspective- on spanking his wife, it has really helped me as a wife, and a recently graduated mature Psychologist.
I recently posted on here and I did not mention that my husband has complimented you on this being a very sound sight, he too has seen other sites, which he says confused and refrained from giving sound advice to couples. He was particualy pleased to read what you say with regards ,no aftercare, that is the applying of lotion,creams to ease the pain of spanking he has always said 'where is the point in that the punishment is deliverd then eased so rapidly that the lesson is not learned'. He has therefore avoided the sites and refused to read the blogs..untill now he remarked on this blog so much and read it with interest and insight, even saying that he may consult it if he needed too, I am so pleased and feel I am a very blessed wife. Thankyou for your blog which due to your sound advise my husband will now be accessing, and it has helped him and I to recomit to the DD lifestyle.
Exactly how are you qualified to give advice on this subject? You don't have a degree in DD because there isn't one. There may be college courses but not at any reputable college or seminary. You have not been married all that long and do not have a proven track record there. You have not practiced DD all that long so you don't have any longevity there either. You don't have children who are old enought to interfere or find out about your practices, so you have no experience there either. You write on this blog like you are an authority for this lifestyle when there are so many others who actually have lived it long enough to be real authority figures. You write all of your pieces as if they were your idea before anyone else's but most of this I have found copyrighted on other sites that have been around much longer. You are very prideful when you write as if you invented this whole thing and are the world's leading authority, when you clearly are not.
.
If you were writing from the perspective of what was working for you and you were giving real life instances, then you would be believable but you do not do that. You come off as very arrogant and smug. I don't think everything you have written is bad or wrong, just given with the wrong attitude or authorship. If I really wanted to learn about this lifestyle, I would read the blogs that are real and written from experience, not pride and arrogance. I believe you are hurting people because you have put yourself out here as an authority that you are not. You need to find some humility and apologize to all the people you have given this advice to as if you are the DD god. You are clearly just a very self absorbed person who thinks he knows a lot more than he does. I feel sorry for you and your family. One day in the not too distant future, you will realize your mistakes and hopefully be man enough to admit them. As arrogant as you sound, I doubt that that will happen without some major soul searching. I am also fairly certain you won't have the guts to respond to this. I have already sent a couple of other comments that you have not acknowledged. A show of your true colors perhaps.
Just a small addition to my other comment. There are alot of gullible and naive folks out there who believe everything they read. They probably think they have hit in information jackpot here. They have not. They need to read all sorts of blogs because if they do, they will see for themselves how much of your information isn't really yours and they will also begin to see how little experience you actually have. Just because you can write a sentence or two that make sense or have got a psychology degree, does not make you an expert. I feel for people who think you are the expert in all of this. Please do that soul searching and stop giving people the very false impression that you invented all of the ideas on here. Be honest. You would expect that of your partner. You should also expect it of yourself.
Jules,
You sound very threatened by Clint. I can't imagine why. If you read all of his blog he makes it very clear he is not an expert and doesn't have all of the answers. He also has a list of blogs that he directs people to. I think he is wise not to answer the kind of comments you leave. Clearly you have made up your mind about Clint. What would he gain to respond to your accusations?
Clint,
I want you to know that your advice has been a real blessing to my marriage. You are taking the time to address questions people have and to give individual answers. As far as I know there is no other place where I could go to get the kind of help you give here. It is because of your advice we have been able to start DD in our marriage and already we have more peace in our home. Keep up the valuable work you are doing with this blog.
Jules, you say that people should read other blogs and stuff and then they would see that Clint isn't all that good? Well I have searched around DD blogs for a while and Clint's is by far the most informative.
Just like anyother blog writer, he gives HIS opinion. Take it or leave it. He is putting it out there. He may not have been in this lifestyle too long, but he sees the benefits from it in his own relationship and people he knows.
Clint I love your blog. Please keep it up. It has helped my relationship alot.
Anom.
@damselfly - I'm glad everything worked out in the end. :)
@Princess - I'm so happy to hear you enjoy the site. Thank you for the kind words, and thank you so much for reading. Your support means a lot to me.
@Jules - This is the third time (by my count) you've said the exact same thing to me. I trust you feel better now that your comment is viewable to the public, and I trust you will now stop harassing me. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us, and despite your dislike for me and my blog, I thank you for reading it, and I truly and sincerely hope you find happiness in all of your future endeavors. Best of luck to you going forward.
@Learning to Iron - Thank you very much for your kind words, and for your continued support. I'm happy to hear the blog has been a useful resource to you. Nothing is better than hearing couples experiencing a happier, healthier and more peaceful home and marriage. All the best to you.
@Anom - Thank you very much for your support. It means a lot to me. The good feedback far outweighs the bad, and that is what keeps the blog going. It's wonderful to know it's helping a few folks out there. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and thank you for the kind words.
All the best to all of you.
Thanks for the blog it's great. My wife and I have working on this for a week or so to great effect. My question is as HoH how do I deal with my own accountability. I want to be the best I can for my wife and like everyone I too have weak areas and issues. How should I approach my own development?
@Anonymous (February 16th 12:57 PM) - You ask a terrific question, and one I will likely address in more detail in a future blog post. Thank you for asking it.
Most men in a DD relationship hold themselves to a higher standard. A thought process of, "Well, if I'm holding my wife accountable for her actions, I need to hold myself accountable as well" is very common among HoH's in a DD lifestyle, as it should be. I don't expect those not practicing the lifestyle to truly understand this, but this thought process leads to far better behavior from the HoH.
Anytime an infraction is made by the HoH, it's recommended he immediately tell his spouse about it. There will be those feelings of hesitation, feelings of remorse, and feelings of contrition. These feelings are unpleasant, generally speaking, and aid in correcting behaviors in HoH's as a result. Nobody enjoys feeling as though they've disappointed their spouse, or hurt their spouse in any way. His actions may do just that, but in order for the relationship to move forward in a healthy fashion, the infraction needs to be brought to the attention of the wife, it needs to be discussed at length, there needs to be a plan put in place to keep it from happening again, and forgiveness from the wife is needed to "clean the slate."
This aspect of the DD lifestyle is an incredibly important one. As I said earlier, I'm going to write a whole post about it. I hope this helps you out, and best of luck to you in the future.
-- Clint
Hi Clint,
I would like some more information or advice on how to submit to my HOH, and many even advice for my HOH on how to be consistent.
I find it really hard not to get in a strop when he isnt doing things that i think he should be doing, and I desperately would like some advice on this. Also my HOH struggles with, should he be consistent and spank on everything, we did this a while back and i was spanked sometimes more than once a day, but then if he doesnt, he isnt following through and being consistent enough. Your advice, as ever would be greatly apreciated. c
@P.R. Dewhurst - Showing respect(or being "submissive" as you put it) and following the rules you and your HoH agreed upon is certainly an adjustment, particularly if you're not used to it and are new in the lifestyle.
The best advice I can give you is to not abrasively question his judgment, and when he asks you to do or to do something, just be respectful of his request and comply. He has a reason behind his request, so asking why isn't a problem, but if you argue with him about his decision or about his request, it will do nothing but waste time and escalate into something it really doesn't need to be. That, in my opinion, is the best way to respect his role as HoH (or "submit" to him). You have to trust his judgment, and trust that his decisions are in the best interest of you and your family. Stubborness, ignorance, and disrespect isn't going to help any situation. I'm not necessarily saying you're any of those things, by the way. I'm just offering my advice, since you requested it.
Also, I wrote a post on consistency that I encourage you (and your husband more importantly) to read. You can read it by copying and pasting the following link into your web browser:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/08/importance-of-consistency.html
I hope this helps! Best of luck to you going forward.
-- Clint
Dear Clint
My husband and I have been married for 6 years and are starting a dd relationship, seperate from this I am considering entering therapy, but I did not want to talk to someone I need to hide this area of my life from. I was wondering if you had advice about finding a therapist in our area that handles dd relationships.
Thanks
Elizabeth
Hi Clint! I can't tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I've been reading for Just a few months and I can't get enough of it. It is so so helpful! I do have just a few thing I need help on. I just got engaged back in December and we have been practicing a DD relationship since then, and I love it. But how can I get him to be consistent? I have read the post on it but I'm just not sure what else I can do. Because a lot of the time I can get away with whatever and then other times I don't get away with even the smallest things. And we are living with his parents, so we can't do punishments a lot of the time, we have to wait until they go to bed. So what is an implement we could use that is quiet. I know about the cream and we haven't tried it yet, since we are still pretty new to this. So what Would be the quietest implement besides the cream? And also, how to I get him to stop using the one implement? He only uses a paddle and sometimes it doesn't seem fair to use it on the little things(when he chooses to punish me for things, that is) I know I should be respectful about what he wants to chose for implements, sometimes it just seems a little harsh. Help me please! And again, I love your blog! Can't wait to see the new posts! (: Have a great day and god bless you (:
@Elizabeth - I completely understand wanting to talk to someone who understands the lifestyle. That tends to make things easier for everyone involved.
I'd recommend you contact your local psychology firms and ask if they have professional marriage counselors who understand the Domestic Discipline lifestyle. You can do this anonymously so there isn't any awkwardness for you when asking. If they say no, or that they don't know what you're referring to, then they don't. Hang up with them and move on. If they do, then you've found a resource in your area that is willing to help you out.
Also, church officials can be a resource to you if you're comfortable discussing this matter with them. Some church officials can lead you to contacts that have the information you're looking for. Many churches offer marital counseling with DD (or some form of it) on the cirriculum.
Those are the two options I recommend you look into. Good luck to you in your search. All the best.
@LMichele - Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm happy to hear you enjoy the blog and find it helpful for your relationship. Congratulations on the engagement as well! That's exciting! :)
Inconsistency is a common ailment in a lot of men unfortunately, so you're not alone in your frustration. I understand you've been practicing DD for 4-5 months now, so I feel you have the foundation and primary understanding of the lifestyle to feel comfortable enough recommending you both look into the idea of boot camp. Boot camp essentially FORCES the husband (or in your case fiancé) to be consistent. You're also in an absolutely ideal situation to do boot camp. You're just entering your marriage together, so boot camp will set the foundation and your expectations of one another in your marriage as you start your lives together. Honestly, this is the perfect time to do boot camp for you two. I'm assuming you do not have children so that isn't an issue to work around, and you can both iron out your faults before you get married/have children. Seriously, it's the absolute perfect time for you two to do boot camp.
I know not everyone is comfortable with boot camp, which is perfectly understandable. It's intense. So if you choose not to look into boot camp, my suggestion to you is to communicate your concerns to/with your fiancé. He needs to know how his inconsistency makes you feel, as well as how it makes you feel when he IS consistent. Reiterate that you DO want this lifestyle, that you do NOT think he's a jerk by cracking down on and being consistent with the rules (which I'm almost certain is how he feels), that you WANT his guidance and protection, etc. Make sure he understands all of that. Sometimes it isn't easy to approach your significant other about these things, but it's important that he knows what you want and how you feel. The more direct and simple you can be, the better. Most men like it that way. Trust me. Don't beat around the bush too much.
Unfortunately I don't have a "magical" consistency correcting recommendation, but I think both of these options are worth doing. Either your fiancé wants this lifestyle or he doesn't. It's HIS responsibility to hold up his end of the bargain by being consistent (among other things). That's his duty and his role within the lifestyle, and since he's agreed to this lifestyle, he simply needs to step up and lead his family in the manner you both want him to, and in a way that is required of him as the HoH.
Best of luck to you, LMichele. I hope this helps. Thank you again for being a loyal reader of the blog. I very much appreciate the support!
-- Clint
Eu nunca fui espancada antes, sinto falta de um pouco de disciplina, não tive pai, meu namorado é uma importante presença masculina para mim. Ele me da palmadas mas apenas brincando. Não sei se ele poderia me disciplinar quando me envolvo em problemas. Eu tenho vergonha de comentar esse assunto com ele. Será que alguem pode me ajudar?
@Anonymous (April 25th 7:49 PM) - Eu entendo que é difÃcil de abordar o seu namorado sobre a idéia de palmadas punição, no entanto, se você sente que seria benéfico para o seu relacionamento, eu encorajo você a calma e madura discutir seus sentimentos com seu namorado e deixá-lo saber como você se sente.
A comunicação é extremamente importante em uma relação DD. Você deve ser capaz de efetivamente expressar seus pensamentos, idéias, opiniões e preocupações para o seu namorado. Eu escrevi um post sobre como falar com seu outro significativo sobre DD. Encorajo-vos a lê-lo. Eu acho que você vai encontrá-lo útil. Basta copiar e colar o link abaixo em seu navegador:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html
Espero que isso ajude você, e eu certamente desejo a você o melhor de sorte na obtenção de seu namorado a bordo com o estilo de vida.
-- Clint
I am very new to this but excited to find this site. I am curious to know how DD is carried out when you have teenage children in your home. Are they supposed to know or would that just weird them out?
Thanks for all of your wonderful information.
Relentless L :)
@Relentless L - It's best to keep the DD practices of you and your spouse out of the lives of your children. Children don't need to know about it, nor would they likely understand if you tried to explain they lifestyle to them.
If they happen to find out one way or another, well, that's a different question/situation. Hopefully that can all be avoided by being careful when you and your spouse carry out your DD practices.
Best of luck to you, and welcome to the site! I hope you find it helpful for your marriage.
-- Clint
First of all - thank you for your amazing blog and the work you did!
We are a couple frome germany (so we apologize for our english). We lived dd - without knowing what its called or that its a lifestyle lived by so many people. We already purchased your book and decided to start with boot camp as soon we can manage to find a free weekend without kids. We would love to join the network - please let us know how we can do that - or what we have to do!
Greetings from Germany,
A&D
A&D,
I'm going to answer your questions on how to enroll on the Network - we'd all love to meet you! To sign up for the Network, copy and paste this link into your browser. If you wish to sign up as an individual, then create one profile, if you wish to sign up as a couple, then each of you should create a seperate profile.
http://learningdd.ning.com/main/authorization/signUp?
Um sich für das Netzwerk, kopieren und fügen Sie diesen Link in Ihren Browser. Wenn Sie zur Anmeldung als Einzelperson wollen, dann erstellen Sie ein Profil, wenn Sie zur Anmeldung als Paar wollen, dann sollte jeder von euch ein separates Profil zu erstellen. Ich hoffe, die deutsche ist richtig. Wenn Sie sich anmelden, bevor 12. Mai, erhalten Sie einen kostenlosen Monat, nachdem die erste Rechnung bezahlt ist. Um mehr Informationen über das Netzwerk zu sehen, nutzen Sie diesen Link ...
http://learningdd.blogspot.ca/2012/04/special-network-announcement.html
Christina (Network Billing Administrator)
Thank you Christina!! Thank you for the tranlation!!! I hope to have a chanve to chat with you soon!
A
@A&D - I'm glad you enjoy the blog and we'd certainly love to have you both a part of the network! Come join us!
@Christina - Thank you, again, for getting back to the commenters when I fall a little behind on things. Keep up the great work!
All the best.
-- Clint
First I just wanted to say thank you so much to both you and your wife for offering so much information it has been so very helpfull. I really admire the bravery and willingness to be so open about such a private issue. I know you both are helping so many couples.
My husband and I are expecting in October! We are so very thrilled but this has casued some road blocks in for our very new DD lifestyle. He is concered with spanking too hard or that my hormones are too blame for my foul behavior. I believe that why yes my hormones are crazy, I should be held accountable and he agrees. We have spanked but it was no where as hard as it needed to be because of fear from his part. We are not willing to turn this off, we want and need to do this but where is the balance? Another question is washing my mouth out with soap is this safe to do while expecting? How did you and your wife go about your DD life choice with a baby on the way?
Thanks so very much again!
@Anonymous (May 16th 2:36 PM) - Thank you so much for the kind words. Comments like that make all the time we put into our blogs and the network worth it. Thank you.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! That's so exciting! I'm really happy for you both and I'm sure you'll both make wonderful parents. :)
Balancing DD and pregnancy is very difficult. No question about it. I'll jump right to your third question and answer it first.
My wife and I didn't change our DD practices much when we were pregnant. We modified the way we spanked slightly in accordance with the medical advice given to us by our doctor. That's it. Obviously things were fine with the pregnancy and we now have a healthy baby boy who is doing great developmentally.
Our doctor advised us to spank slightly harder and more quickly between strikes to keep the pain of the spanking intensely concentrated on the surface of the buttocks. According to our doctor, this decreases the body's natural reaction to distribute pain throughout the entire body. When that happens, stomach muscles restrict which could be harmful to the pregnancy, which is obviously something you want to avoid. So, to answer your question, we spanked in this manner and we kept all other punishments exactly the same when we were pregnant, again in accordance with the advice given to us by our doctor.
For the record, the medical community that reads this blog seems to HATE this advice given to us by our doctor, just so you're aware. It's easiest for doctors to simply say "don't spank" since it won't be a liability to them, which is about as helpful as dumping sugar into your gas tank.
Unfortunately I'm not qualified to answer medical questions as I am not a doctor. If you choose to follow the way we practiced DD while we were pregnant, you do so at your own free will and as your own choice. I am NOT recommending you do what I described, I'm simply answering your question regarding how we did things when we were pregnant. Again, I AM NOT A DOCTOR, so it's best to seek the medical advice from your personal doctor on something like this, just as my wife and I did.
I hate that I have to answer a question like this will all kinds of disclaimers, but that's how it has to be unfortunately. We have to tip toe around this stuff so it isn't a liability. If you choose to spank while pregnant, you agree to NOT hold my wife or myself responsible for any problems or complications during your pregnancy.
Isn't this fun? Lol. I love answering pregnancy questions. As for the soap question, again, you should ask your doctor. Since so many other punishment options are available, I would probably cut that one out and use others until the baby is born, just to be safe. Once your baby is born, then you can go back to using that punishment if you choose to do so.
Sorry the answer has to be so ridiculous. I don't know if it helps or not, but that's what my wife and I did when we were pregnant. Congratulations again, and best of luck to you in the future.
-- Clint
Thank you! I fully understand the disclaimer. I think the hardest part has been for him, emotionally I think it already is not easy for husbands to have to discipline their wife but to have her carrying your child while needing to discipline must be an emotional challenge. Thank you again!
@Anonymous (May 18th 11:30 AM) - You're most welcome, and yes, you make a great point. It is difficult to carry out punishments for a lot of husbands, particularly when pregnancy is involved. Best of luck to you both in whatever you choose to do with your DD practices.
-- Clint
Do you have a site to post ads to find partners interested in DD ?
Our situation may be a little bit hard for you to understand.
I'm 15 years old, and my boyfriend is 17 years old. As my parents have never really disciplined me correctly and I tend not to take the right path in life, we mutually decided to have a relationship partly based around Domestic Discipline.
We don't live together as I'm in my last year of school and he's still at college, but we meet approximately twice a week. I have 10 rules set in place, and if I break a rule, I get punished for it. Our punishments mainly involve spankings, OTK, and with the hand and the back of a hairbrush, bare bottom.
We also do corner time for minor things, such as minor and mild swearing or foul language used in everyday situations.
He has also started with maintenance spankings after reading your blog. He thinks it should keep me obiding by the rules.
Because I'm so young and it's difficult for us to stick to our discipline methods when necessary because of complications such as parents, is there any advice you could give me on how our techniques could be used?
Why are you on this site when its for adults only? You had to press a disclaimer button to get on the blog that stated you (both) were 18 years of age or older. That's my first concern.
But, I would be surprised if Clint is going to give you spanking and/or punishment advice, considering by age, you are both minors. Either that or you're an adult posing as a minor trying to get Clint to give you information that he could be liable to.
In giving you the benefit of the doubt, if you are 15 years of age, you are too young to live a Domestic Discipline lifestyle and I doubt the laws of whatever state, country you live in agrees that you are of an age to make informed consent.
Talk to an adult that you trust, whether in school, church, a youth group, home, a Kids Help Line etc. But leave the DD until you're older and more mature.
I wish you (both) well.
Kiree
@Anonymous (May 28th 8:50 AM) - Unfortunately no, not at this time. We're considering expanding at some point to include the services you're looking for, but we do not offer them at the moment. We have a few single members in the LDD Network though, if you'd ever like to join. We'd love to have you a part of it.
Good luck to you. All the best.
@Elly - Hello Elly. Unfortunately I'm unable to offer any advice on your situation given the fact that you are under the age of 18. I know that doesn't help at all and I'm sorry about that, but this is an adult themed blog discussing the adult relationship dynamic of Domestic Discipline. As much as I'd like to help you and your boyfriend out, I'm simply unable to do so.
I can tell you're a smart young lady determined to become the best person you can be, and for that I really commend you. It's wonderful to hear that kind of maturity from someone as young as yourself. For now my advice for you is to focus on your schooling and surround yourself with positive people who influence you to do the right things. Walk and talk confidently, stay out of trouble, and enjoy your summer! :)
Good luck to you!
@Kiree - Thank you for your comment to Elly. You gave her some good advice and I appreciate you doing so.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
my chat doesnt work it wont let me log on it tell me network error...how do i fix it
In case Clint is busy, email me directly at jimandchristina2000@gmail.com and I'll look into it for you. In the email, I need to know who you are (or if you go by a nickname, what that is on the Network) and I'll look at your profile and get back to you. Thanks!
@Anonymous and @Christina - Is this chat issue resolved? If not, let me know and I'll look into it further.
Thank you.
-- Clint
I feel like I'm to young, but I know its a lifestyle choice I would be interested in, How do you find people who are on the same page, and don't think you're crazy? I'm a 21 yr old lady, I hope that doesn't sound weird!
@Anonymous (June 16th 12:28 AM) - It doesn't sound weird at all. There are a lot of people who desire this dynamic in their relationships. The hard part is finding someone who feels the same way. I certainly understand that.
Unfortunately I don't have any resources that I trust to offer you in finding single people in the lifestyle. It's a goal of LDD to one day provide a singles network to those who are in your position, but it isn't available at the moment.
You're more than welcome to join the current LDD Network, if you'd like. Most of the people in it are married, however it's a very safe and healthy environment in which to discuss DD with others.
I'd also like to say that I feel it's important that a relationship NOT be based on DD from the start. I feel it's important to establish a foundation of love, trust and respect in a relationship FIRST before considering DD. Even if one were to meet another who feels the same way about DD, I'd recommend they date for several months before considering the lifestyle. Just some food for thought.
Sorry I'm not of more help. I wish you luck in your search.
-- Clint
Happy Father's Day!!!
Hi Clint.
My husband and I are just starting out with DD. It took a while tor me to work up the nerve to suggest it to him. We're still in our first month, but already things have improved.
I've been reading your blog and others for a while and have suggested he read yours, but he hasn't had a chance yet. Last night we ran into an issue I'm hoping you can offer advice with.
Yesterday I didn't do the chores he had given me. It wasn't that I didn't have enough time, but rather that I had deliberately procrastinated until it was too late. He called me on it (which I thanked him for), gave me a lecture (a good one) and spanked me. The spanking was not what I was expecting or needing. It was extremely light.
Afterwards, we talked about it and I think both of us realized it wasn't enough. I offered to get together some links for him to look at, which he accepted, but that was it.
My problem is that I still feel guilty about it. I had trouble sleeping last night and it's still on my mind today. So my question is do we take last night as a learning experience and assume next time will be better or do I give him a chance to read the links I found for him and then ask him to repeat the punishment? I don't want to tell him how to lead, but I think for DD to be effective, the punishment needs to be strong enough to get the point across.
Thanks,
Dana
@Melanie - Thank you so much! My Father's Day was wonderful. I love being a dad. :)
@Dana - Welcome to a DD marriage! I'm so happy to hear you're seeing improvements already. That's absolutely wonderful.
You did the correct thing when you both discussed this problem together. It's not easy for a wife to discuss something like this with her husband, so I commend you for doing so. That shows a lot of maturity and responsibility from you. Nicely done.
If you're still feeling guilty about the procrastination, I'd recommend spanking again, unfortunately. I know that probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I believe this would be the best solution to your problem. It sounds like the first spanking didn't really do much at all for you, so I would spank again, but harder this time.
I don't think you'd be telling him how to lead by asking for the spanking again. He made the decision to spank already, it's just simply that the spanking wasn't quite hard enough. I think you're working together with him to get the most out of your DD practices, which is precisely what you should be doing. That's very admirable, and I think your husband would appreciate it.
Here are a couple of links that may help you with this as well.
If asking him directly to spank you harder is difficult for you to do, this link offers a more delicate approach:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/05/faqs-reluctancy-edition.html
I also wrote about asking for a spanking on my wife's blog:
http://knowingyourroles.blogspot.com/2012/05/asking-to-be-spanked-part-ii.html
Included in that post is a link to a post my wife wrote about asking to be spanked as well. I encourage you to read those posts for more help with this problem.
I hope this helps you out, Dana. Best of luck to you in moving past this issue.
-- Clint
I have a question I want to throw out here before I talk to my HoH about it.
I am on Weight Watchers, I have lost almost 50 pounds in a little over a year. I take some medicines that cause weight gain so my weight loss is slower than a lot of people.
The question is, would it be crazy of me to ask him to hold me accountable to stay withing my daily points allowance. Lately I have been eating like a crazy person and I feel that if he held me accountable then I would make better food choices.
Does this seem like I am a crazy person for wanting this or does it seem like something I should bring up to him so that I can lose the last 16 pounds that I need to lose to be in a healthy weight range.
Paula
@Paula - Slow or fast, losing 50 pounds is an amazing accomplishment! Congratulations!
I don't think it would be crazy to ask for his help with this. That's what he's there for. He should be your biggest supporter and your biggest help in achieving your goals. If you feel him holding you accountable would help you achieve your goal, then I would certainly encourage you to talk to him about it.
Good luck on losing those last 16 lbs.! You can do it Paula! :)
-- Clint
Clint,
Thank you so much. I kind of feel ridiculous asking him for this, why on earth would I want to be punished? lol But I have come so far with my weight loss and I don't want to ruin it now.
It is wonderful having and experienced HoH to discuss things with. I sometimes am unsure of things and you always give me your honest answers. Thank you :)
Paula
Oh, golly Ned, I didn't mean you! I left you another reply on RBW to explain my convoluted thought patterns.
June
Paula,
Let me chime in here. I just saw your question. Absolutely, ask him to help you. I did just that. I have lost 45 pounds, 4 sizes, and my blood pressure is no longer at risk of medication. Set out what you both think is reasonable. The Man doesn't punish me for weight gain. We have determined what a diet plan is, and if I break my diet then I am spanked. I have the ability to "plan" treats into my calorie limits 2 times a week. He considers this falling into the category of taking care of myself. I am very blessed that he makes sure that I know he thought I was beautiful 45 pounds heavier and no less loveable and attractive. Like you, this is about me and how I feel about ME. Good Luck. I have 30 more to go...
I wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for A Lovely Blog Award. You can view it here: http://saguaroheart.blogspot.com/.
Thank you for all that you have added to my life because you take the time to share your story.
Sincerely,
Saguaroheart
I am interested in starting a DD relationship with my husband. How do I go about bringing up the subject? My husband playfully spanks me every now and then but I don't think he is interested in punishment spankings as he might feel he is being violent.
Happy Birthday to your little man. Hope it was a great day for all of you!
@Anon 9.Jul.12 6:07am -
Unfortunately, many men feel the same way since they have been raised to never “hit” a woman and have trouble seeing the difference between spanking and hitting. Clint wrote an excellent post about how to bring up the subject of DD to your husband. Here’s the link http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html. Please make sure you read all the comments/answers also as there are some very good suggestions there also.
I would also suggest you read the following posts and either have your husband read them or read them together.
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/04/what-is-domestic-discipline.html
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/11/what-is-and-what-is-not-domestic.html
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/domestic-discipline-pros-and-cons.html
Good luck in your journey.
@Paula - My pleasure. I'm glad I could help. Good luck in reaching your goal. :)
@June - I believe you and I got everything straightened out on RBW. It was all just a big misunderstanding, from the sound of it. It happens sometimes.
@Dana - Congratulations on your weight loss as well! It's wonderful to hear you're doing so much better, health wise, as a result. Good luck reaching your goal of 30 more pounds of weight loss!
@Saguaroheart - Wow, thank you so much! I'm honored, and when I have time to do so, I'll post the related blog post.
Thank you for you nomination. It means a lot.
@Anonymous (July 9th 8:07 AM) - Cat gave you a wonderful answer. I don't have much to add to her response to you. I encourage you to read over the posts she has linked to, and another one that may help is this one:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/06/spanking-vs-abuse-clearing-up.html
It talks about how Domestic Discipline differs from BDSM, Domestic Violence, "Brainwashing", and other negative perceptions of the lifestyle that others may initially have not fully understanding DD.
I hope this helps and best of luck to you getting your husband on board with the lifestyle. It'll make a world of difference in your marriage in a positive way.
@Cat - Our baby boy had a great first birthday! On his behalf, thank you for the birthday wishes!
I appreciate you helping the previous commenter as well.
All the best to each of you.
-- Clint
Clint,
My name’s Eleanor and I’ve been with my partner for about 6 months now.
From the first minute we knew that we both believed in Domestic Discipline lifestyles and we were eager to start.
We started slowly and we’re building our way up gently. Being a young couple and only being together 6 months, we don’t want to do anything too drastic, especially as we’re both still in education.
We’ve got to the point now that we’ve become comfortable in each other’s presence, we love each other dearly and Domestic Discipline is just a part of our lives and our relationship.
Jack and I usually only see each other one day a week at the moment, as we live separately, and education and work are important aspects of our life.
Usually, I will get punished about 3 times a month. That’s approximately 3 of the 4 days we see each other each month that I’m punished.
Because we don’t see each other as often as most couples right now, it’s important that we keep our relationship strong when we do see each other. I’m worried that punishments will ruin the romantic atmosphere and the precious time that we do spend together. However, we believe that punishments are necessary and it’s important that I’m guided within our relationship so I become a stronger and better behaved woman.
Is there any way that we can change the way that I am punished, as opposed to ¾ of our days spent together I receive spankings?
Thank you for your time,
Eleanor
@Eleanor - Congratulations on the new relationship! It sounds like it's going well and I commend you both for continuing your education. That's wonderful!
I can certainly see how your situation would become a bit discouraging. I don't think anyone would want to disrupt those times together with discipline spankings.
The most obvious suggestion I have for you is to do your absolute VERY best in staying out of trouble during the week. You control your behavior, so I would set personal goals to NOT break any spankable rules while you're apart from Jack. It would be a good idea for Jack to give you incentive to behave well during the week, too. For instance, if you go all week without doing anything that would get you spanked, you two can then go to your very favorite restaurant the first night you're back with him. That's just an example of course, but you get the idea.
As for changing the punishments, there isn't much that can be done, unfortunately. If he decides the behavior warrants a spanking, then he needs to spank as soon as he can do so. A silent spanking that you administer to yourself under his direction during the week may work, however you would both miss out on the comforting aspect of a spanking, which is very important. I suppose that's an option, however it's important you understand one very important aspect of the spanking would be compromised if you choose to do that.
In the end, I think you two are doing things the way they should be done, even if it's a bit frustrating/discouraging. I think providing incentives to behave well would be helpful though, and may cut down the number of times Jack would have to spank any given month.
I hope this helps, Eleanor. Best of luck to both of you.
-- Clint
I've been away for a few weeks, and while I was away, I asked my partner to make an honest list of anything she might do that she knows I would be disappointed in.
I expected maybe one small thing if she lost her way a little, but the list consisted of a various number of offences. They're not exactly awful to the point they could of put her into danger, but the list was larger than expected.
- Staying up to inappropriate hours.
- Being 'unsafe' on various websites.
- Lying to her brother.
- Getting a D in an important assignment she didn't revise for.
- Bad language.
Although I haven't seen or heard from my partner in a while, I think it is important these issues are dealt with. However, I'm not sure how to deal with the issues.
I feel each issue shall need to be addressed, as it would have done if I were home. However, as there are several, I'm uncertain of how the punishment(s) will be applied? All in one go? Separate? The same punishment altogether or different punishments for different things (e.g, corner time for minor offences, spankings for major offences) etc...
I'm not sure how to act on this one, and I don't want to let my guard down.
Any advice?
Mark
Hi Clint :)
I emailed Chelsea today to get some insight from her but I am starting to think I might need a more well rounded opinion from the both of you. Perhaps when you are both free you could give me some advice. I am VERY new to all this and extremely apprehensive but I definitely want to be able to submit so I am trying to make a real effort to get comfortable with everything. Thanks soooo much for all the hard work you have done with this site. The information was great and it has already helped a lot!
Thanks,
Ashley
Hi, After going back and forth about joining the network for a couple of months, we finally decided to join today. How long does it normally take to get the approval?
Thanks,
William E
@Mark - Hello Mark. It's nice to respond to a fellow HoH! Not many men comment for whatever reason.
Anyway, it sounds like you have a tough situation no doubt, but I think it's important in all of this to recognize the honesty of your partner. It's tough for anyone to come clean with their mistakes, so I find it rather commendable that your partner was so honest. If you haven't let her know already, I would definitely let her know her honesty is appreciated and reinforce that.
I would recommend addressing each one of these things with a separate punishment. It's important for her to understand they're all different problems. In the "punishment fits the crime" mold, here's what I would recommend for the offenses:
1) - Enforcing a bed time for an allotted amount of time for the staying up late issue. (i.e. 10:00pm bed time for 2 weeks or something to that effect)
2) - Removing computer privileges for an allotted amount of time (a week or so, for instance)
3) - Spanking for lying to her brother.
4) - Spanking (on a separate day) for the D assignment grade.
5) - Writing lines or Soap/Hot sauce in the mouth for the bad language.
With all of that said, I feel it would be fair to remove/lighten one of those punishments to reward her honesty. The choice is yours of course, but just as an example it would be fair to remove the punishment for bad language, or shorten the bed time length (one week instead of two, for instance). Whatever you choose to do, just make sure you recognize and reward that honesty from her.
I hope this helps you out. It's a tough situation, but one that can be appropriately addressed. Good luck to you, Mark.
@Ashley - Hello Ashley. My wife and I are certainly happy to help where we can. Apprehension is a tough hurdle to overcome, no question. I've discussed this issue before on the blog, as a matter of fact. Just follow this link:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/03/addressing-spanking-issues-hesitation.html
I encourage you to read over that entry as I feel it would help you with your apprehension. If you still need help, feel free to comment anytime.
Good luck, Ashley.
@William E - Welcome to the network William! Approvals are usually done within a few hours, if not sooner. Our billing administrator had a busy day today, so we apologize for the delay. You're approved and all set now!
-- Clint
I do have a couple ofquestions. I want so bad to be respectful and obedient to my husband and he is trying to discipline me when I do wrong. I am a natural brat and do not respond submissively even when I try to commit to just one day of staying submissive. My question is, "When he has done something to make me angry and then wants to spank me for that anger, how do I keep from getting more angry while he is spanking me? Should he spank me longer till I am not angry and how long is ok (because I am pretty stubborn.)? Thank you, flutter
Hi Clint,
I wanted to thank you for your insight on the chat last night. I thought about your words, "if you found something that could help your marriage, why wouldn't you want to share it with your husband?". I realized you are absolutely right, so this morning I told my husband about writing lines. It turned out he knew about it already. I feel a lot better and will be sharing everything that may be helpful with him in the future. Thanks again.
Joanie
@Flutter - Neither spouse should be going through the spanking process when angry. If you find yourself angry at him, I would do what you need to do to calm down first, then have a discussion with him (most likely him lecturing you/helping you to understand your anger is uncalled for/unnecessary), THEN spank. Take a walk, watch television, listen to some music, read a book..do whatever you must do to calm down before going forward with the discussion/punishment process.
It's recommended he spank you until you're giving a remorseful response rather than an angry response. How long it takes to get to that point varies with every couple. I can't really specify a length of time, but it needs to be long enough to where you're apologetic rather than angry.
I hope this helps you out. Best of luck to you.
@Joanie - Yes, I remember the conversation we had well, as it sparked conversation between my wife and I too. I wasn't trying to push any buttons that night - I was just trying to help you see things from an HoH's perspective and perhaps challenge you to think a little deeper about things.
I know you're new to DD, new to the network, and that you and I have only just met, but I assure you that all the advice I give is with helpful intentions behind it. I only want what's best for any given couple, and I was giving you my thoughts/advice on the topic in a way that I hoped would help you to see the other side. It sounds like you DID see the other side, and I'm glad it worked out and that you feel better about things.
You're welcome for the insight, and I look forward to more discussions with you in the future.
All the best.
-- Clint
Clint,
Me and my girlfriend are in a DD relationship although unfortunately we don't live together quite yet. We live about half an hour apart but it doesn't stop our Domestic Discipline relationship and I find we cope really well!
However, sometimes we have to postpone punishments, and DD works a lot of the time via messaging or over the phone until we're able to meet.
My girlfriend is extremely good at making me feel bad or like I'm doing things wrong. We've been practicing Domestic Discipline for about 8 months now, and I've grown stronger as a HoH, but she certainly knows how to convince her way out of things.
If I tell her off via messaging, she'll often continue to be cheeky. When I finally lose it and tell her she's going to get punished and this is her last chance to apologize, her reply is often along the lines of: "I'm sorry Chris.. I'm just really tired and quite down.."
When she says things like this, I don't know how I'm suppose to respond. I love Megan to pieces and seeing her say that makes me feel guilty. I often end up responding with, "It's okay sweetie.. I'm sorry. It's fine, you can stay up", or "I know. I understand. Don't worry about it."
I feel like I'm letting my guard down a lot of the time, but I also feel it's important to let her know I understand if she's down or tired. Is it fair to punish her if she acts up so much when she is sad or tired? It seems to be a constant excuse but I feel it's genuine. I want to be there for my girl but her behavior is often out of line.
Chris
I am 44 yrs old and still kinds quiet as to talking about whats bothering me; which in turn gets me angry. I become mean and distant. I think this life syle would be good for our relationship, being that even though I am quiet I am just plain mean. I want to tell him about this type of life style but am embarrassed. Is there anyone who can advice me on how toilet him know or are we just past this?
@Chris - I can certainly understand your situation, and I can tell you're a genuine man that cares deeply about your girlfriend. It's refreshing to see/hear that.
I know it's difficult sometimes, but once you decide to punish, you MUST follow through, regardless of her attempts at trying to get out of it. While she may genuinely be tired or feeling sad, it's still important to carry out the punishment as soon as you can.
With that said, you can ALSO be a shoulder to cry on for her, and certainly should be. Just because you've decided to punish for her behavior doesn't mean you can't still be there for her emotionally. She should be comfortable talking to you about anything, and if she's feeling sad, it's important to talk those things out. In fact, if that's the root of her poor behavior, talking things out may prove to be more effective that the punishment itself. But, it's still important to punish if you've decided to do so.
I think it's also important for you to remember that you ARE looking out for her best interest when you punish her. While she (and perhaps you) may not see that in the moment, she (and you) WILL see it after the punishment is carried out. You'll both feel so much better about things, you'll both be happier, and you'll both be able to put the problems behind you and move forward without any kind of emotional burden weighing heavily on your minds.
I think she knows you'll back off when she says something like this to you as well, and while she may appreciate that in the moment, again, she'll be left feeling unsatisfied in the long run. She agreed to this lifestyle with you because she wants a leader in her relationship, and she wants her man to be a man of his word and she wants him to follow through with what he says he's going to do. When you do that, it builds her respect for you, it builds her confidence in you, and it builds her trust in you. She'll appreciate it, and she'll more attracted to you as a result. Honestly, she will.
The bottom line is that I think it's important for you to do both things - carry out the punishment AND be there for her emotionally if she's having a bad day. There's more to being a good HoH than just consistently enforcing the rules of your relationship. You need to be her support system as well, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, etc. I know you aren't married yet, but those things still hold true in a committed relationship.
I hope this helps you out, Chris. Best of luck to you.
@Anonymous (August 9th 4:02 PM) - It's never too late to bring DD into a marriage, and rather than feeling embarrassed, I think you should be proud of yourself for admitting your faults and wanting to improve upon them for the greater good of your marriage. That's a commendable thing.
I wrote a post about getting your husband on board with DD. You can read over it here:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html
I think that post will best help you with your situation. Good luck to you.
-- Clint
I've been following your blog for about 3 months now. Me and my boyfriend of 7 years just recently got engaged. We have been practicing a version of DD before we even knew it had a name. Now that we have gotten deeper into it my family is starting to realize a change in me. (We are live separately with our parents while in college.)
Some of the rules he has made are opposite of what my family does. I am not allowed to smoke or drink at all.(I am a recovering addict-2 years sober). This is a real stuggle for me due to every family gathering invovles heavy drinking. My family does not know about my past addiction. I have changed alot in my attitude in the last few months and now my family is accusing him of controlling me.
I have read all your post and have not found anything on how to deal with families and friends. Any suggestions on how to go about continuing to practice without the families knowing anything or thinking he's controlling me?
I love your posts and have been reading them for quite a few months..... I am wanting to lean towards this lifestyle(some aspects of it) but being married for 25 years I wonder if it's too late?
We started our family very young and are in our early to mid 40's, all children are grown and gone. My job pretty much consumed a lot of my time and my life, now that I'm retired I find myself doing things I shouldn't be doing and not doing the thing I should, I see my life spiraling out of control so should I tell the love of my life that I need help and support in this area? He's always been the hoh and still is, we've had a remarkable life together.
@Anonymous (August 16th 6:22 PM) - Congratulations on your engagement! That's really exciting! I'm so happy for you both. :)
I first want to say that I hope you realize that your fiance is implementing these rules for your overall health, safety, and well-being. Staying away from things like cigarettes and alcohol, while tough sometimes (particularly given your past), are certainly good things for you. I just felt it was important for me to include this in my response to you.
How open you are with your family about the lifestyle is obviously up to you, but if you want to "practice without the families knowing anything", then I would, as respectfully and calmly as possible, explain to your family that you're starting a marriage now (and perhaps a family of your own in the near future), and you want to stop with the drinking and smoking before it becomes a negative part of your marriage. I think if you explained to them that your husband simply wants you to be healthier person because he loves you, and you want to respect him and be a healthier person as well, they would be much more receptive to your change in behavior. DD doesn't even need to be brought up.
I think, above all, your family wants/needs to know that YOU are happy. If you're demeanor around your family is suggesting otherwise, then they're naturally going to be concerned. If you tell them and SHOW them that you're happy with this man, their concerns will subside.
Now, my advice is under the assumption that you ARE happy with your fiance. I assume that since you agreed to marry the guy. If you're unhappy, then we have a whole different situation. But, given what I know from your comment, this is how I would recommend handling your particular situation.
I hope this helps. I know a disapproving family can be difficult on the emotions. I wish you the best of luck in getting everything straightened out.
@Anonymous (August 20th 7:16 AM) - It's never too late to start with DD. It sounds as though there is a naturally element of DD in your marriage as it is, so I absolutely encourage you to pitch the idea of DD to your husband if you feel it will enhance your marriage. It sounds like it would be a relatively natural transition for you two. Here's a post that may help you:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html
Good luck!
-- Clint
My husband and I are very new to this. I received my first punishment last night and when it was all done I was very mad! Is this normal? I love my husband and I was a little shocked he spanked me hard enough to hurt even though that is the whole point! I read on a dd blog that the wife is supposed to cry, I did NOT cry! Did he not punish me enough? Is it Ok not to cry? I have already earned my second punishment that I am supposed to receive tonight? Is it normal to get punished a lot?
@Cynthia Flagolle - I wouldn't say that getting mad after a spanking is "normal", but it's not entirely uncommon either, particularly for beginners.
Typically the reason for this happening is that the spanking was not hard/intense enough. Given that you were mad after the spanking, and given that you did not cry after the spanking, this is precisely the issue - it wasn't done hard/intensely enough. I recommend your husband increase the intensity of the spanking to get the desired results. There should be an element of remorse in your behavior after the spanking is conducted, not anger.
It's common to get punished frequently in the beginning as you two ease into the lifestyle. It takes time for boundaries to be clearly defined and issues to be completely resolved. As your behavior improves and issues become resolved over time, the punishments will decrease over that same time frame.
Welcome to the DD lifestyle! I know it can be overwhelming at first, but I'm confident in saying that your marriage will drastically improve if you commit wholeheartedly to it. Good luck to you.
-- Clint
Hi
I am 26 yrs old also my bf is as same age as me.
we are facing problems these days.he claimed that i didn't obey him even sometimes or im too sensitive or sometimes i got offended with a reason which is not worth.
he told me these are influencing on his love.
i asked him to use punishment but he replied no coz he can not hurt me. how i can solve it?
i love him.
@Anon 5.Sep 2:30am - I have to wonder how committed your bf is to your relationship if you being too sensitive or easily offended impacts his love for you. I apologize if I have misunderstood your comment. If you and your bf have not been together in an exclusive relationship for at least 6 months, then I don't think DD is for you at this time. If you have been exclusive for longer, then I suggest you read and share the following posts with him:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/04/what-is-domestic-discipline.html
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/11/what-is-and-what-is-not-domestic.html
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/domestic-discipline-pros-and-cons.html
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/06/spanking-vs-abuse-clearing-up.html
Good luck in your relationship.
Cat
please help my husband and I. We have been practicing this for about a yr now and I can honestly say he is consistant when he is home but he is a truck driver and very inconsistant when on the road. i also believe that for a man to be in charge and head of the household he has to be consistant and discipline himself and set the best example for the family, what if he is constantly saying he is gonna do something and never does it, in my eyes that not disciplining themself and how can you discipline someone else if you cant discipline yourself and do what you say you are gonna do. what can we do
@Anon 12.Sept 11:58am - I'm reading your post as 2 questions so I'm going to answer it that way.
1. Consistency in the relationship - Being apart is hard on any relationship and can really impact consistency. You might want to try what others in long-distance/time-apart relationships have tried which is a behavior notebook that your husband would review when he came home. One suggestion would be that you not "hit" him with it the minute he walks in the door. I know others have frequent calls where the husband stays on top of his wife's behavior and deals with it when he gets home. Clint and Rogue from "Rogues Awakening" both wrote posts on this blog concerning consistency. I would suggest you read and share them with your husband to help you explain to him how important it is.
Clint's post from the HoH point of view is here:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/08/importance-of-consistency.html
Rogue's post from the wife's point of view is here:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/05/guest-blogger-wifes-viewpoint-of.html
2. Husband's accountability (behavior): I'm not quite sure what you are referring to here - if he has said he will punish you and doesn't or if he has said he will do something when he gets home or if it's something else so my comments may be totally off course. Your husband has a job that requires a lot of concentration when he is on the road. He is probably dealing with a dispatcher, crazy drivers (4 and 16 wheelers), different state laws, deadlines, customers, etc. So chances are, that he will not remember everything that the two of you discussed while he is away. You might read the "FAQs" and "Husband Accountability" posts on this blog (see the Catergories links on the right).
Hope this helps.
Cat
I am new to dd and would appreciate some help. My wife has always been the dominate one in the marriage and we have both decided to to take on dd as well as a taken in hand marriage. Do you have any tips to help me to become more assertive and confident. Please help. Thank you.
@Kiel Green 16.Sep 8:16pm - I am probably not the best person to answer your question since I am not an HoH but since Clint is taking a break, I will try to at least point you in the right direction. The first thing I would suggest is using the Categories (on the right side of the page) to read articles which may interest you. While Clint is on break, you might want to post any questions you have to Mick who has a blog here: http://husbandlytouch.blogspot.com/ and/or to Bas who has a blog here: http://newlifeindd.blogspot.com/.
Hope this helps. Good luck in your journey.
Cat
It can be very confusing if you are new figuring out were to start reading first. In the Categories section on the right there is the LDD Intersection option. It will give you a list of all the posts that are good for beginners. My only other suggestion is to be patient with each other. Sometimes it takes a little while to really get into the groove of this lifestyle and talk about it all a lot.
Thank you Cat and Blue Bird for your help, I will take all I always take any advise. I do have alot of questions so I will be posting those as I have them and I be sure to chek out that blog as well. So once again Thank you.
@Blue Bird 17.Sep 6:25p - Hey BB - thanks so much for catching my mistake. I had intended my answer to say "...is the LDD Intersection using the Categories (on the right side of the page)...". My fingers went faster than my brain! LOL Thanks to your great catch, Kiel Green got the proper information.
Thanks,
Cat
If you've found the solution and fixed the malware issue, could you please put your blog roll back on your blog? I miss the other blogs and used yours to link to them. I hope you've having a relaxing time as a break and will return soon!
How can I find someone to mentor my husband over the phone? we have some issues to work on and I think it would help him to have someone to advise him and guide him in certain areas. we are willing to pay the right person but we dont have alot of money to throw around need someone with a good heart and resondable amount to charge. Anyone know someone tell them to email Modernchick000@yahoo.com Thanks
I was just asked by a friend of mine, who recently learned that I practiced DD, why I do? After much thought, here's what I said:
I don't need a guy to hang out and make me laugh and split bills. I need someone to shoulder me. Someone who stays calm when I lose it, someone who makes really hard (but right) choices and then lives them. Helps me live them. Shores me up. Someone who makes things OK when they look desparate to me. Someone who makes me believe that I'm a decent person even when I'm pretty sure I'm not. And that person, I want to give up my control to him. Be accountable to him, deeply. Obviously he needs to earn it & keep earning it, but when he does, he's the man for me. Because at the end of it, I feel most fulfilled and safest that way.
Not sure why I wanted to share, but maybe more than just me feels this way? DD isn't about being in control or not in control. It's a stabilizing mechanism between two people who are subjected to a lifetime of trials and challenges, and joys and triumphs. It makes me feel like we - my husband and I - can weather the storms and ride the waves, in the healthiest way possible. I hope everyone's experience with it is as positive.
Thanks for letting me ramble... I'm a long time stalker but this is my first post :)
Kira
@Anonymous (October 1st 8:10 PM) - The blogroll has returned to LDD. Enjoy!
@Anonymous (October 22nd 2:07 PM) - Have you contacted local psychology firms in your area and inquired about pro-DD counselors? You may want to do so before seeking help from others online. Just a suggestion. Best of luck to you in your search.
@Kira - Welcome Kira. I'm so happy you decided to comment because your comment is outstanding. One of my favorites on the entire blog. You said everything beautifully and there are most definitely other couples that feel the same way you do. My wife and I are one of them. There's so much more to this lifestyle than just punishments and consequences, and you've expressed those things better than I have been able to. Thank you so very much for your comment.
Also, thank you for reading LDD. Keep the comments coming! :)
All the best to you, Kira.
-- Clint
Thanks Clint for being so welcoming :) Was feeling a little exposed once I hit 'post' but your response makes me feel alllll right :)
I've been an active reader for a year or so, I love your blog. I love your community - I feel like I know you guys (virtually anyway). I think you're all great. and brave. and great.
I've been with my man for 18 years, married for 15 years, got married pretty young (early 20's). We never planned to be 'DD' - I'm not sure that was even a category back then? I've always been ridiculously strong but he's supremely alpha & stupid smart.. we sort of fell into HoH due to.. what? My exhaustion? The fact that more often than not he was right? (soo frustrating, btw :)) The fact that when we were in our worst fights I realized at some point it was because I was being ridiculously irrational and what was really bugging me had nothing to do with the current battle at all?
Whatever the reasons.. he was always HoH (even though it was lots of fighting at the start, until I accepted that). The other tenants of DD followed, but I'd say we're looser than most - no 'rules' per say but there is a general understanding of what behavior is OK & what isn't, what decisions or actions need to be discussed (and sometimes approved) by my husband before I commit. Punitive stuff similarly loose. So it's not 'you did this therefore you are punished this way'.. it's more, 'you know that's not OK, and you know why (let me remind you) so here's what happens now..' Maybe it seems subtle but when I read some of the comments here I feel like too many people think the secret is in the recipie.
For us, it's not an exact science. But it doesn't need to be, because the ultimate goal is about mutual trust, mutual responsibility & mutual contribution. The worst punishment I ever faced wasn't a 'consequence', it was knowing that I broke my husbands trust, hurt him emotionally & damaged our relationship because of it. The spanking was nothing in comparison.
Ok, apparently I ramble like mad. I'll stop now :) Thanks for welcoming me in, I promise to keep things short(er). You & your blog members are great, I can't tell you how nice it is to read this blog after so many years of being 'the only one'
kira
Wow Kira I can relate so much to what your saying. My husband and I always had our roles too not knowing anything about DD infact I'm just now learning about it, we have been together many years too and I believe theres always room for improvement. Thank you Clint for the wonderful blog and the chance for so many of us not only to learn about DD but to get a chance to read comments an opinions from so many others.~Deana
Clint,
You've just passed 4 million hits!! To be exact, at the time of this comment, you're at 4,019,920 hits! I'm so proud of you!! And since you won't brag about it, I'll say it for you! That's totally awesome! Congratulations!
@Kira - Thank you for sharing your experience. I think a lot of readers will be able to relate to you (just as Deana has), which will help them to feel more comfortable, as well as not so alone in living this way.
Domestic discipline doesn't have to be an exact science. As long as you and your husband are on the same page, and boundaries/expectations are set and clear, then the dynamic will prove to be beneficial to your relationship. It sounds like you and your husband have found what works best for you both, which is really what this is all about. That's wonderful.
All the best to you, Kira.
@Deana - You're most welcome. That's what the blog is here for. I'm glad you enjoy it, and I'm so thankful to have you as a reader/supporter. It means a lot to me.
All the best to you and yours.
@Christina - Never in my wildest dreams did I think the blog would one day reach 4,000,000 hits. It's crazy. I think that counter may have a problem though, since the Google counter increases at a faster rate than that one does. Regardless, the success of the blog is pretty overwhelming, and humbling. I'm glad the blog is helping a few marriages out there. :)
-- Clint
Just noticing that I cannot see comments on the side anymore. Is this feature gone or is it my own computer issue? Thanks again for this blog.
I have been spanked for 1 1/2 years by the same guy. For the first year it was great, he could spank as hard as he wanted, with brush, hand, crop, belt etc... and we had a lot of fun. the last several months I've been getting little red dots on my butt and they are breaking open and bleeding. We have not done anything different. He still spanks with the same level of intensity. I've tried using lotion and also not using any for a length of time. We use to see each other 2x week with no issues, now I wait over two weeks and it still happens within the first 10 mintues. Any thoughts on what I can do to help prevent this ? It happens with just a hand too, we stopped the brush and belt for months now.
I hope this is okay to ask here... We are starting a DD relationship... we have decided to do bootcamp next month on our wedding anniversary. (Well, depending on if I get a job or not, will depend on funds to get your book.) :) My question is about grief. A year and a half ago we lost our only child two hours after they were born, it was unexpected. Somedays the grief of losing our baby and my identity as a mother is still really real, and my behaviour is so hard to control if I am pmsing and hormones are added to the mix. On a normal day I can control how I act, but if you add grief to it that day, it's harder, but I still can do it, but if you add pmsing too, I can't. I can hear and see myself acting bad, and I can't stop the behavior. I can hear myself screaming in my head to stop, and it doesn't work. We are trying to figure out if in this moment it's still needed to punish, or to look to something else in that moment? Any other time I am in control and offenses need to be dealt with, but my husband says he can see the difference between me acting out and having an absorbed by grief moment. God is healing me more and more all the time, but the journey is slow, and we just want to make sure we make wise decisions as we step into this new dimension in our marriage. I guess part of me wonders if a good spanking would help me break down better, but I'm also afraid of what I would say to my husband if he even tried in that moment when I can't see clearly and am so full of anger and hurt. I am also afraid that I would fight back when I normally don't, and I wouldn't want to hurt him, or him worry about hurting me to bring me under control. It is alright if you don't have answers to this... but I did want to see if you might... just in case. We want this to work, but this problem makes our situation a bit different than many starting out, and we just want to make sure to avoid any long term affects from a bad decision. In the mean time, we are praying about it as well, and would pray about any suggestions you had as well. If anyone else has faced this, and has tips on what helped them, I'd love to hear those too.
And Clint and Chelsea, thank you so much for this site. I've needed my husband to be the HOH since we got married, and he just wasn't stepping up and left all the decision making and running of the house to me, I was exhausted, and felt unloved and like I was his mother, not his wife. Your site gave me tips on how to encourage this in him, to be the HOH, and the difference already in just the month he's been trying... is amazing! He's more relaxed, he's less worried about if he does things right or wrong, finally seeing, I'm not going to blow up if he makes mistakes. He actually has made a few decisions that he never has before, and just the other night, he told a friend he couldn't hang out with him because he was just too tired, when normally he would have forced himself to go, suffered all night and then the next day from exhaustion just because he didn't feel he could say no. So thank you so much for showing us this lifestyle. And he says he can already see a happier me. :) Thank you. :) EsMay
I'm trying to get my husband on board with domestic discipline. I have discussed it with him on one occasion.
He told me he was raised to never hit a women and he wanted our relationship to go both ways instead of him being in charge. How do I respond to that?
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