10:25 PM
Learning Domestic Discipline
Welcome to Learning Domestic Discipline!
We'd like to welcome you to our blog about the domestic discipline lifestyle! We introduce ourselves in this post, which you can now find on our new website by clicking here.
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Posted in: Introduction
57 comments:
Who initiated dd in your marriage? Did one person have to be persuaded? I am the initiator in our marriage and fear him thinking I'm a freak. Although he is quite conservative by nature and my hints have led to sexual spankings and more recently being given chores to do and bed times given to me. Just afraid he is only doing this for my sake and that he is uncomfortable.
@Anonymous - My wife initiated DD in our marriage. I was TOTALLY against this at first. After several lengthy sessions with a DD counselor, my wife eventually talked me into trying this. Now several years later I'm the strongest advocate for DD and have my own DD blog. Go figure.
I understand your husbands tentativeness completely. It's not an easy thing to start doing. For most people it takes time and "practice" to become comfortable with it. I believe once your husband does spank you one time (in a discipline sense - not in a sexual sense) and sees the results from it, he'll become more comfortable with doing this practice more regularly, although it never gets "easy", per se.
-- Clint
What changed your mind about being ok with it? Do you derive any pleasure from it on a personal level or is the pleasure in knowing it fulfills your wife? It almost seems like the feelings of dominance and submission would have to exist naturally for this to work. Is something like this better left to fantasy? How good does it really feel to you? Also where does one find a dd counselor do certain churches promote this? How do you identify them?
@Anonymous:
1) - The fact that my wife was ok with this, the testimonies we heard from others, and the fact that we could stop after we tried spanking once if we didn't see positive results from it are what changed my mind about being ok with it.
2) - There are numerous benefits of DD, but I wouldn't say I get "pleasure" from it. This isn't fun to do. At all. I don't know what you mean about it fulfilling my wife either. My wife avoids punishments at all costs, which is the way it should be. We both don't "enjoy" DD. We do it for numerous reasons, the two biggest being because it's so beneficial to our marriage, and because it brings us both so much closer together emotionally.
3) - Words like "dominance" and "submission" are words you will never see me use on this blog except to answer your question. I prefer words like "respect" and "listen". When a husband doesn't want his wife to text while driving, it's because he wants to protect her from getting killed, or killing someone else. Not because he wants to "dominate" her or control her. The wife should respect that and listen to that, not "submit" to her husband.
4) - I don't know what kind of fantasies you have, but if spanking is involved perhaps DD isn't for you. If you can't decipher the difference between punishment and fantasy, then you shouldn't practice DD.
5) - It doesn't feel good at all. It's very difficult to practice DD. I'd rather not punish my wife because I don't like seeing her sad/in pain. For the reasons why I choose to practice DD, refer to my answer on question 2.
6) - Often times churches can help you find a DD counselor if you seek one. Psychology firms have marriage counselors, some of which may specialize in DD. Contact a professional psychology practice and inquire about DD counselors.
7) - A marriage counselor through a church or psychology firm who specializes in DD and practices DD would be a pretty strong identifier.
-- Clint
I guess there are many different motivations for a dd relationship. I guess I can't decipher the difference between punishment and fantasy. To me they are one in the same. It seems like this isn't sexually motivated for you and your wife and I apologize if I offended you. I think a lot of people want to go down this road because it turns them on. The pictures you posted of the spanking implements further threw me off...
@Anonymous - No offense was taken. I was just answering your questions. I know spankings are a sexual fetish to some people. Spankings aren't sexually gratifying for me or my wife. I feel punishment and sex should be separate, but I understand some people disagree and that's alright. Whatever makes you and your spouse happy is all that really matters.
Clint
I have truly enjoyed reading your blog. It is nice to have some "straight forward" how to information. I was a little put off at one point,and I hope you will write more on the subject of erotic vs discipline spanking....
You wrote "Spanking should only be done when a mistake is made, or poor judgment is used. This is NOT a "fun", "exciting", or "sexual" activity to be done whenever you feel like it. If you find a spanking to be any of those things, you're reading the wrong blog." ....
I find that a bit judgemental. Many of us that enjoy erotic spanking and a D/s lifestyle can and do benifit from Domestic Discipline. A punshment spanking is a punishment spanking, it is NOT fun. Are you saying that to enjoy erotic spanking means its only a "kink" and DD will not work. I don't think thats exactly what you meant and may haave just stated your self to bluntly at that point. I think alot of potential followers may pass your blog up feeling that they "dont belong" here.
thanks
newbie
@Newbie - I'm glad you enjoy the blog! Thank you for reading.
The part you quoted from the entry wasn't intended to be offensive to those who enjoy erotic spankings. It was intended to illustrate how erotic spankings have nothing to do with Domestic Discipline. Erotic spankings and discipline spankings are certainly two different things as you've stated, and I understand that.
Other than when answering questions such as this one, erotic spankings will not be discussed on the Learning Domestic Discipline blog. They have nothing to do with Domestic Discipline in my opinion. I'm not judging anyone who enjoys erotic spankings, but I really don't know how else to put it - if erotic spankings are what you're interested in, you're reading the wrong blog. This blog is for those who want to know about Domestic Discipline and how to get started with it. If erotic spankings are what you're looking for, there are hundreds of people/blogs out there that cover them. This blog just happens to not be one of them.
I may lose readers for this reason which is understandable, but judging by the emails and comments I get, there are equally as many people who appreciate the way I present Domestic Discipline without crossing the sexual boundary that so easily gets mixed in with this practice.
Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it.
-- Clint
I am "interested" in learning about Domestic Discipline or I would have not read your blog in the first place
I just happen to also enjoy an OCCASIONAL erotic "spanking" during sex. (mild-moderate impact play, not exactly spanking per say)
So.... I don't think I am reading the wrong blog =).
It seems to me that you are sincerely wanting to "help" those of us just starting out by putting alot of basic educational information in your blog.
Sooo, I will continue reading just the same. I was just hoping you could/would acknowledge that the two (erotic and discipline spankings) can co-exist in a DD relationship when the lines between the two practices are well defined. But if you don't believe thats possable ...to each his own..that was the MAIN point of my question which you really didn't answer for me. Are you saying the two CAN NOT work together??
I'll be sticking around for awhile, if ya don't mind lol...=) Hope you have a wonderful day, and congrats on the baby.
newbie
@Newbie - Thank you so much! We're such proud parents. :)
I'm a little confused here so I'll just answer both parts of what I perceive your question to be: Can punishment spankings and erotic spankings both co-exist in a marriage? Sure they can.
Can punishment spankings and erotic spankings work together? No, they can't. So, to answer the one question in your comment, my answer is yes, I'm saying the two cannot work together.
-- Clint
Clint
Thank you for being patient with me :) When I said 'work together" I was still refering to Co-existing in a marriage. So I understand why you were confused, I didn't mean "at the same time" lol Anyway...I was reading through a few new comments and replys (i enjoy that almost as much as reading the posts.)
You said in one reply..."This blog is about Domestic Discipline not marriage" omg...I have been dense and just not understanding what you were saying this whole time. I don't think I am alone in that because there have been a few comments along the same lines as mine. If I may make a suggestion, I think a post stating exactly what I qouted above would help alot of people that are misunderstanding you.
Your blog is soooo wonderful and helpfull to "newbies" like myself, but my misunderstanding and confusion almost led me away from your blog. Maybe its just me, but from other comments I have read it seems I am not the only one that was misunderstanding what you were saying.
Thank You for helping me understand
newbie
May I make a suggestion, with out being
@Newbie - It's my pleasure, and you're right - it is a fine line that I should probably clear up at some point. Sometimes it can get confusing. I think a post like that would definitely help a lot of people. I'll keep it in mind for a future post.
Again, thank you so much for your kind words about the blog. I'm glad to hear it's helping people out there. That makes it all worth it.
-- Clint
HAHA Clint! I can totally see why you would think that was me!Now that quote they presented is one of the ones I was referrring to,and now i cannot find it on the blog! Did you edit it out?
@His First Mate - No, it's on the "Spanking vs. Abuse: Clearing Up Misconceptions" post. Your ideas were similar, so I really did think it was you for a minute there. :)
-- Clint
I have really been enjoying your blog. Lots and lots of truly usefull information.
i was wondering what your views on reassurance or maintenance spanking. It isn't really something we have done yet. Not in a formal way like having a specific day to do maintenance.
I often wish we would though. I don't really mess up alot, so punishment is few and far between..which is a good thing !! I don't "enjoy" punishment! But,what I do like are the "feelings" that the experience of punshment brings, The peace and comfort I feel, The lingering feelings of a stronger "connection" to my husband are something I find my self missing when alot of time has went by sense a punsihment.
Spanking in a sexual setting does bring some of the same feelings, but not the emotional cleansing, the stress relief, the reassurance that he is in charge....Bed room spanking has been in our relationship on and off always. But the concept of DD has only been with us for about 4 months, and we are moving fairly slow
Sooooo what are your feelings on maintenance, and if its something you feel can be a positive, would you post something. My husband really has a problem understanding why I want to bring that into the dynamic sense we already spank for fun also.
@Anonymous - Thank you so much for your comment. Everything you said makes perfect sense and I think a lot of women feel the same way you do. Thank you for the kind words about the blog as well. I truly appreciate you reading.
I'm 50/50 on maintenance spankings. I know that isn't overly helpful, but that's how I feel. I personally feel they aren't necessary since spankings are for punishment purposes in a DD marriage/relationship. When the wife has done nothing wrong, I'm not comfortable outwardly recommending spanking her for no reason.
HOWEVER, on the other hand, I understand why some couples like maintenance spankings in their marriage/relationship. For the reasons you stated in your comment, they can be very helpful and beneficial to those who seek an "emotional cleansing", as you put it. It can also be beneficial in keeping the wife on the right track and as serving as a reminder to make the right choices. So I DO see the benefit in them, but I rarely recommend them since I don't like the idea of punishing for essentially no reason.
If you feel maintenance spankings would be beneficial to your marriage, then I say do it. I'm not totally against them. I just don't outwardly recommend them for the reason I stated. You should always do what's best for your marriage.
I'll do a maintenance spankings post sometime in the near future.
-- Clint
I know you believe that men naturally fall into the HOH. What's your opinion on DD within homosexual (male or female) relationships? Should one man or woman assume the HOH role or should both spouses/members of the relationship be in charge of discipline?
I think in every relationship there is one natural leader type and another that is more submissive. So in each homosexual relationship, one is probably the obvious top. That's my opinion anyways.
--M.T.
@Anonymous - I agree with M.T. to an extent on how DD should be incorporated into a homosexual relationship. I think in any relationship there tends to be one partner who is more of a "leader" than the other, and that partner usually assumes the head of the household role.
I don't feel both partners should be in charge of discipline simply for the same reason I feel both partners in a heterosexual relationship shouldn't be. There can't be two leaders of the home. It presents a conflict of interest. Think of it kind of like a business - there can't be two CEO's. If there is, at some point there is going to be a conflict of interest and the relationship will suffer. One will want to do things one way, the other will disagree and want to do it their way, etc. and there ends up being a whole lot of arguing/fighting. Perhaps that isn't the greatest analogy but it does illustrate my point. The bottom line is that I feel one partner should be the head of the household with the other respecting that authority, and trusting that "leader" to do what's best for the relationship.
I wrote this really late at night so I hope it makes sense, and I certainly hope it helps. All the best.
-- Clint
I have just recently discovered this blog while I was doing some research on DD. Ive taken an interest in this because I feel that it could improve me as a person and my future marriage. My fiancee is away at ait for the army so Im just doing some research because I have to know everything lol. I think I am most nervous about what will happen after we get married and begin practicing DD. He says that he is willing to try it out because its what I want, but I am a very strong willed person where he is not. Im afraid that he will not be able to be as "tough", for lack of a better word, as I need him to be. I'm not sure how I should approach this with him and help him to understand.
~M.D.
@M.D. - It's all about communication. I would tell him exactly what you just said in your comment. Let him know you need him to step up, be a leader, and be more "tough" with enforcing the rules of the household. He needs to know how you feel, otherwise he'll have no idea. I understand you said you're a strong willed person, but you'll have to work together and encourage him to take the lead. That means when he actually DOES take the lead and asks you to do something or NOT to do something, you don't argue or question it - you simply respect him, listen, and help him be the leader you want him to be. Domestic Discipline is about growing together, and helping each other in the marriage to build a stronger foundation and build a happier, healthier, brighter future. That's what it's all about.
Like I said, this issue is really about communication. You two are a team, and you both will need to work together to make Domestic Discipline work in your marriage. I wish you the very best of luck with everything. All the best to you.
-- Clint
We love your blog and come to it often. Please tell me you aren't getting tired of posting new articles? Is there more coming soon?
A fan!
@Anonymous/A fan - Thank you so much for your support! Yes, I plan on posting new articles very soon (as in either tonight or tomorrow). I've had some personal matters come up this past weekend that took my time/attention, but I'll get back on track with the blog shortly. Thanks for being patient!
-- Clint
I have read your entire blog. I love and agree with almost everything you say. My husband and I have talked a lot about CDD. It is something he has agreed that we should incorporate in our marriage. But he doesn't want to use spanking as a punishment and I do. We've tried to use it and the reason he doesn't want to is because he gets aroused. Is there anything we can do to help him not get aroused? He doesn't like hurting me but has been willing anyway. But he doesn't want to do it if it's going to get him aroused. I think a lot of it is that we have done foreplay spankings in the past for fun. Do you think a CDD marriage can work without spankings? What would be a good punishment for severe offenses instead? I would really appreciate some help.
Dear Clint,
As I read your blog and continue to study it I'm still conflicted. I weigh the issues as carefully as possible in my mind and yet both sides are even. As a strong woman of the new millennium I have a strong opinion when I firmly say "Being feminine doesn't equal being submissive". That being said I also find it terribly attractive when my husband puts his foot down.
I know I confuse him too lol. I'm a walking conundrum of contradictions. This DD life style appeals to me but I can imagine following his lead 24/7. In fact I tried being submissive for about a day. Just to see if I could do it. In the end he made me sit down and got me a cup of tea lol he likes me sassy.
Problem is I get too sassy and I have a terrible temper and can be extremely indecisive that drives him up the wall. Which I think with a little hard work and some prompting from him I think I could manage better. But how do you really know if this lifestyle is right for you? I can’t abide by the corner time but bedroom time might not be so bad as for the spanking I can get turned on by them but one time he gave me a real warm up and that made me think twice. How do you know if this life style is right for you?
@Anonymous (September 2nd 9:31 AM) - I believe this is the exact same comment as the one on the "Importance of Consistency" post. I answered the questions you have on that post.
@Anonymous (September 13th 4:35 PM) - The only way you'll know if this lifestyle is right for you is by practicing it. I will say, however, that if you decide to practice, you need to do so all the way. What I mean by that is when you and your spouse decide to practice DD, the husband (or HOH) is the decision maker, and the disciplinarian. As I've discussed in the "May Couples Challenge" post here on this blog, a couple should sit down together and make a rules list, as well as discuss all the consequences for breaking those rules so you both know exactly what to expect and know exactly how you both plan to practice DD. You make a rules list together and consensually agree upon those rules, but when it comes to the punishment, that is entirely the HOH's choice. You can't really pick and choose what punishments to administer. It's up to your husband.
With that said, the HOH sets the boundaries. If he likes it when you get a little sassy, that's fine. He determines when you've crossed the line into the disrespectful state of sass. If your temper causes you to make bad decisions, it's your husbands responsibility to determine whether or not to punish for those bad decisions. If your indecisiveness bothers your husband, then he should make the final decisions (taking into account your thoughts and opinions before any final decision is made). That's just the way DD works. The HOH makes all the final decisions, he enforces the rules and consequences as he sees fit, and he essentially runs the house. I've never liked the term "submissive", but the wife's role is to respect what her husband sees as the best course of action in all situations, and simply to be a loving and supportive life partner. If everything I've said in this second paragraph is something you don't see working in your marriage, then perhaps DD isn't for you. But again, to answer your question, the only way of truly knowing if DD is for your marriage is by practicing. If you practice for a month and you both hate it, don't do it anymore. BUT you can't go back and forth on this. Either you practice or you don't. A trial period is fine for a while, but if you decide not to practice after a month, then you shouldn't practice again ever. It's not going to work if neither one of you truly want it in your marriage.
Best of luck to you!
-- Clint
Dear Clint,
I will most certainly think about this and some of it is a little hard to digest. However I will give it the benefit of the doubt and do my best to be open about it. My husband and I are now looking at numerous other forums and I'm really looking at getting the womans perceptive.
I really did enjoy the blog of the disciplined feminist. Which I totally recommend who finds herself caught between wanting to give control while still trying to maintain it. Thank you so much for advice :)
@Anonymous - It was my pleasure. Hopefully you found the advice helpful for your situation. I've included several links on the homepage of this blog to other blogs written by women who practice Domestic Discipline. I encourage you to read them, and of course I encourage you to do all the research you need to do on this topic to feel comfortable about bringing it into your marriage.
I understand how you may be hesitant about it, but if I can persuade you to at LEAST give it a try, I promise you won't regret it. I strongly believe DD would enhance any marriage regardless of the "issues" within said marriage, and you'll see that once you start. I stand behind that 100%. I really hope you give it a try.
Good luck!
-- Clint
I wasn't sure where to post this question because its kind of odd. so I figure I'll just put it her
so my question is...is ther any way for some kind of a notification/alert/date stamp on the blog when new comments are posted????? I go through each post to see if any new comments are posted each time I check in and that takes quite a while!!!! I don't know if thats even possable to do (not really computer savey) but just thought I would ask.
Anon,
I think I might know part of the answer to your question. First, you have to have a profile with blogger. Go to blogger.com and register a profile. Then you can sign up to receive comments by feed through an email address. I know some people do this, but the specifics of where to click to register, I don't know. You could also try YouTube.com as blogger posts video clips on how to get around their blogs.
Or instead of going through each page on the blog here and scrolling down to see any new comments, you can read them on the right hand side of the home page, in a category called, "Recent Comments". Sometimes Clint's blog (might be due to the size of it now) takes awhile to update.
Either way, you should be able to get a first hand view of the commenters who leaving comments or asking questions and the wisdom shared by the now infamous Clint for one and all.
Hope that helps. Maybe Clint has some answers or can get some idea from Chelsea for you.
Good luck!
@Anonymous (September 28th 5:38 AM) - Believe me, I've has some odd questions in my time discussing this topic, and I certainly wouldn't categorize yours as odd. Please feel comfortable asking any question(s) you may have. I'm happy to answer it/them for you as soon as I can.
I think Christina gave you a wonderful answer. The best way to keep up with the new comments is to follow the widget on the home page of this blog, as Christina suggested. The "Recent Comments" widget on the right hand side of the blog updates periodically with the new comments left. I've also been told by those that follow my blog (with the profile on blogger.com that Christina also mentioned) that they receive updates as to when new comments are posted. I would try those two things. That should do the trick. Good luck!
@Christina - Thank you for helping the anonymous poster just above your comment. I appreciate your help, as always. :)
-- Clint
I have been browsing the DD sites and blogs. I can't seem to find very many that last more than a few years. I'm wondering if that is because couples can't keep up with the blogging or if they can't keep up with DD. There is an article on the Marriage Bed that discourages DD. One reason they give is that couples can't keep it up. Do you know couples that have had a DD marriage long term?
My husband is considering my request to start DD. I really appreciate the advice you gave about how to discuss it. I started all of this backwards because I didn't really understand my need for a HOH. A few years ago I asked for BDSM. He was really uncomfortable with that and in hindsight I am thankful. Your advice helped me find a way to word my request for DD in a way that I hope will make him feel more comfortable trying it.
Thank you
From one anonymous to another anonymous, I think there's a lot of confusion and denial about how eroticism can fit into a DD relationship. The fact is that, in my ten years' involvement on various DD sites, I've noticed that there's a consistent pattern in this particular debate.
What happens is that, although few people *act* on this in a discipline situation, most couples *do* find that there an underlying erotic element to the kind of connection that a DD relationship brings. Women like to be nurtured and protected by a strong and caring man who won't take any nonsense and will do what is necessary for her good and that of the relationship. Men feel closer to a woman who is reasonably compliant and acquiescent to their wishes. This inevitably enhances their respective masculinity and femininity. Both partners benefit from a situation in which they have an effective way to deal with and repair areas that might otherwise cause disharmony and disconnection. One of the ways that this usually enhances connection is sexual.
This doesn't mean that they enjoy the experience of a discipline spanking, that it isn't 'real', or that they make it a sexual experience, or even that they launch into wild sex directly afterwards. It's just another natural element of the relationship as a whole and is nothing at all to be ashamed of or worried about.
Usually what happens when this is discussed on a public forum or blog is that one group of people are comfortable about admitting that there can be a sexual component in real DD, while the another group who are afraid of being associated with "kink", fantasy and unreality will react defensively and with strong denial that DD has any sexual component at all for them although the same people will usually admit in private to some empathy with what I have described above. This us turn causes the first group to feel 'devalued' and accused of practising 'pretend' DD and in no time, you have the age old sexual versus non sexual debate between two groups of people who actually think exactly the same way.
In my view, no-one can tell another couple what comprises 'real' DD and what does not, because every couple is different and has to find their own unique way. Everyone can benefit and learn by socialising online and in real life with other DD couples who might be able to offer insight and experience that they don't have, but at the end of the day there is no one size fits all and it's a mistake to deny the person you are by trying to fit neatly into a 'mould'.
Oh yes, and I forgot, there are some DD forums that have been around almost as long as the internet itself. If you want to find long term DD couples and very long term DD couples, you should visit one of them. Usually you will find that there are at least a few couples who have been practising DD from before it had a name!
The article on the Marriage Bed is based on a short term foray into a couple of DD forums to which people go to discuss and get help with any problems they might encounter along the way. Few people get it right overnight and most need a little helpful input now and then. Often those who get a comfortable place withdraw from the forums because they no longer need that input and reassurance. The authors of the Marriage Bed article chose to focus only on the problems and to ignore the fact that many (not all) DD relationships are successful. While I'm sure that they firmly believe in everything they say, their minds were and are are closed to anything other than what they want to believe. I know this for a fact because if anyone on the Marriage Bed dares to suggest that there might be another side to the DD concept they are removed without notice from the forum. It happened to me and it happened to two of my DD friends.
Thank you for following up with me. I did spend quite a bit of time looking to see when people began posting and how long they kept it up. I found one that said they had had a DD marriage for 24 years and another that seemed to have started in 2005. I am wondering how long the people on this site have kept it up and if any of you know anyone personally who has had a long term relationship.
I suppose you are right that people withdraw because they have found their own way. I was hoping someone could confirm that this will last. I think if we start this and it fizzles out it will be worse than if I were to get a "No" in the first place.
I am also trying to look at the positive and negative sides on this because when we have our discussion it will show that i have fully researched it and didn't just try to find information to support what I want.
I'm glad you warned me about the marriage bed. We like that site and wouldn't want to be kicked off even if they are a close minded on this issue. We glean what we want from it and reject the rest.
I have to say that it was their site that sent me down this path. That is where I first read about bondage. What I read there prompted me to do an internet search that led me very close to a pornography addiction. That is why i am thankful my husband put a stop to it. It is also why I need to be thoughtful in how I approach this.
Thanks
@Anonymous (October 22nd 11:44 PM) - Yes, I know couples that have been practicing DD for over 20 years. I've met some of them in the social network, in fact. Keeping up with DD doesn't seem to be a problem for the couples I talk to. I'm sure there are some couples out there that have found themselves becoming more and more passive with DD as time goes on, which is unfortunate. Every couple is different and every marriage is different obviously, so I'm sure if you search long enough you'll find a few marriages where the Domestic Discipline aspect of it has fizzled.
I'm relatively new to the blogging world, but I'd imagine one of the reasons bloggers tend to quiet down after a few years of blogging is because they start having children, or other more important things come up in their lives. There may be bloggers who simple become bored with it, or run out of things to say as well. I don't think bloggers stopping after a few years should be viewed as unusual. Things come up. Life just happens sometimes.
I'm happy to hear the advice I wrote on how to approach a husband about DD has been useful for you. If this is something you truly want in your marriage, then I encourage you to keep discussing it with your husband. It never hurts to talk about things.
Best of luck to you!
-- Clint
Clint,
Thank you so much. I'm really excited to hear that this can last. I hope that my husband will give it a try and will see how much he can help me improve myself with his help.
Maybe we will be members with something to contribute before too long.
First I want to say I love your blog and your wife's. My husband and I are new to Domestic Discipline, well were also new to marriage(even though we have been together 6 years), but I have a question I am very opinionated and when I get going on something I am passionate about I tend to get disrespectful to those who disagree with me. I don't do it at work, but with my family and friends and mostly with my husband. I try to stay respectful, because I believe people should always be respectful. Anyway to my and my husband's question, how should he handle me being disrespectful while being "on my soapbox" as he calls it, He doesn't want me to not have an opinion he just wants me to be respectful when voicing my opinion. And it has gotten worse the farther I get in to my education( I am going to school to be a hospice nurse, or at least thats my goal). Any way any help you could provide we would be thankful for, and sorry I rambled so much.
Liz
@Liz - Thank you for the kind words about my wife's blog, and my blog. We appreciate you reading and supporting the blogs. Also, I commend you for furthering your education. That's wonderful to hear and I wish you much success with it. :)
I'd recommend your husband conduct either corner time or bedroom time with you the moment the conversation gets to the disrespectful point. Either one of these punishments will give you time to "cool down" and serve as a reminder to be respectful when expressing your view of any particular discussion. There are two keys to this: 1) Your husband would need to administer the punishment without escalating your agitation (like "alright honey, I can tell this is something you're passionate about and want to discuss further, but for this to continue being constructive, you're going to need to just relax in the corner/bedroom for a few minutes"), and 2) you would need to accept that punishment and not push it to the point of a spanking.
Also, if you feel yourself getting more and more agitated (for lack of a better word), I'd recommend respectfully saying to your husband that you just need a moment to collect your thoughts. I feel something like, "Can I just have a moment before we discuss this further? I just want to collect my thoughts for a moment," is perfectly acceptable and respectful. This would give you a chance to "cool down", get yourself composed, and give you a chance to think about how to continue the discussion with your spouse in a level-headed, calm, constructive, and respectful manner. It would save you a punishment as well. :)
I hope those tips are helpful to you. Good luck to you Liz!
-- Clint
Clint
my husband and I have just come to the decision to practice dd... we have set the rules down and all but how do you actually start... I mean I am in this limbo place of not having done anything to get a spanking yet... i don't know what it will be like... I am curious... afraid... excited... wondering if he will actually follow through with it and i keep having the urge to break a rule just to get over the suspense and know what it will really be like...is that normal? or are we missing something... you've written a lot about getting started but do you have anything to say about that limbo place between the decision to practice dd and the follow through to the first time it happens?
This site is just so informative! Thank you!
@Anonymous (January 26th 2:50 PM) - My goodness. Clearly your comment got lost in the shuffle. I'm so terribly sorry for the incredibly late response to your question. I don't know if you'll see this response, and I know it's far to late, but I'll answer your questions regardless.
To be perfectly honest, I haven't heard of this all that often. Usually when a couple starts DD, the husband has something in mind he wants to address right away, and the first spanking takes place that night, or within the first week. You're in an interesting position (or were in January).
I wouldn't deliberately break a rule to "kick start" your DD journey. That isn't going to help anything. I would simply allow your husband to lead as he sees fit, and address the problems as he feels necessary. I understand you have a lot of mixed emotions right now (or did in January), but in time you'll both experience a spanking together and learn together how you both want to proceed in the lifestyle.
I wish you the very best of luck on your journey, and congratulations on starting a DD lifestyle! I'm confident you won't regret it.
@Julia - You're welcome! And thank you as well for the kind words! Your support means a lot to me. I really appreciate it.
All the best to you both.
-- Clint
How do you approach a spouse about DD? We just got married and rarely argue but I know when we do I'm typically the one being irrational, and feel like this arrangement might be beneficial for several reasons. Here's where it gets uncomfortable. I, and everyone around me, including my husband, sees me as a feminist. I believe in equality in the workplace etc. and am more than slightly embarrassed to bring it up. I'm afraid of how hell see me or what he may think. We already spank playfully and sexually but as you know this is different. Thanks for any suggestions you may have.
@mimi - You ask a great (and tough) question. I have addressed this question before, and I'll give you the link to that post. I think it'll help you out. Here it is:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html
It talks about a tactful way to approach your husband about the idea of bringing DD into your marriage.
Also, I can completely understand your apprehension in bringing up the lifestyle up to your husband if he views you as having beliefs that may conflict with the perception of the lifestyle. While on the surface it may SEEM as though DD isn't showing equality in the marriage, I assure you that it IS equal if done properly. Equality starts with consent from both spouses to practice in the first place, and it carries over to communication and understanding of the household rules from both partners at all times for the duration of your marriage. He doesn't treat you disrespectfully, and you don't treat him disrespectfully. He punishes, but only when you've broken a rule that YOU agreed to, understanding what the consequences would be if you broke it. To me, that's equality in a marriage. The wife still has a say, and in all actuality, she has the ultimate control in whether or not she gets punished. When you really think about it, the wife has more control of this lifestyle than the husband does since she is, hopefully, in control of her own behaviors and actions at all times. If you're both practicing DD correctly, he only punishes you when you've broken a rule.
I'm rambling and I'm sorry about that. I tend to talk a lot. Anyway, I think it's wonderful you're reading to take this step in your marriage and I certainly wish you the best of luck doing so. You won't regret it.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
It's crazy, you and Chelsea are the same age as me and my HOH, respectively. I always thought, like most DDers online that you were alot older!
It's good to know that you are like us in some way!
C
@SpankedWifeUK/C - I'm sure we're like you in a lot of ways. :)
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I exude an older persona or not, but I'm glad we've found something in common!
All the best to you, C.
-- Clint
How do i overcome my fear of being spanked by my husband? Everytime it comes time for a spanking, i plead and beg till he let's me out of it
...but then i feel guilty.help...
@Anonymous (May 11th 12:30 PM) - I don't think you're going to like my answer too much, but the best way to overcome your fear of the spanking is to actually go through with one.
This fear typically comes from the unknown. You don't know what to expect, and are more than likely developing a mental idea of something that is much worse than what will actually happen to you.
Where you're both brand new to this (at least that's what I'm assuming and the impression I get), I would suggest you both discuss EXACTLY what will happen before, during, and after the spanking so you know EXACTLY what to expect. Under normal circumstances you wouldn't do this, but for your first time I feel you should do this to get you past the fear you have of the unknown.
Also, if your husband decides to spank, he needs to spank even if it takes all night to do so. Him giving in to your begging and pleading just reinforces your disrespect of him, the rules, and the lifestyle which makes things much much worse. I'm not trying to come down hard on you, but that's the truth. Once he makes the decision to spank, he needs to follow through no matter what.
I understand a spanking can be a scary thing, but I honestly think it won't be nearly as bad as you think it will be. Particularly if you're spanking at the beginner level. It's scary, but I'm confident your husband will be in complete control of himself and has your best interest at heart. You'll get through it together, and you'll feel so much better once you actually go through with it.
All the best to you, and good luck! You can do it. :)
-- Clint
Clint, could you offer advice as to finding a DD counselor? I think it would be beneficial to us but we're not religious so I don't know where we could go to find someone.
@Anonymous (June 18th 2:40 PM) - I would recommend contacting your local psychology firms and asking them if they have marriage counselors that support Domestic Discipline. Some do, some don't.
Good luck in your search.
-- Clint
Hi Clint,
I was hoping you could answer a question for a close friend of mine. My husband and I have been using dd for 3 years now and my friend and her partner were interested in trying it. My friend is in a homosexual relationship and I personally don't see this as a obstacle in using dd. Do you think it should be a male HoH or do you think a lesbian couple could live their lives successfully with dd?
Thank you,
Meg
@Meg - I'm in agreement with you that a homosexual couple should not shy away from Domestic Discipline if they both feel the lifestyle would be beneficial to their relationship. Just because there is no male presence in the relationship does not mean DD will be unsuccessful for the couple. If two people love one another enough regardless of their sex, race, religion, sexual preference, etc., then the DD dynamic between them can work if done correctly and lovingly. Absolutely.
In most relationships (not just homosexual relationships, but all relationships) there tends to be a more authoritative partner and a more passive (or submissive) partner. Most couples can immediately identify who is which in their own relationship when hearing that. Even in non-DD relationships, there is generally one partner that "wears the pants", so to speak, in the relationship. That partner is generally the one directing the relationship, for better or for worse. Basically that person is the HoH.
In a homosexual relationship, so long as the one "wearing the pants" is a good decision maker (meaning that person makes smart, informed, rational, mature, level-headed, reasonable, etc. decisions) and a good provider, then that person can assume the role of HoH in a Domestic Discipline dynamic.
I'm rambling a lot, but what I'm getting at here is that your friend and her partner should determine who will be the HoH in their relationship and begin living the DD lifestyle if they both feel it would benefit them, and if they both consent to it. It's important to remember, however, that there CANNOT be two HoHs in any given relationship. Once they determine who the HoH will be, they both need to commit to that decision long term for DD to work for them.
I talk a lot. Sorry about that. Anyway, I hope this helps and I wish you, your family, your friend and your friend's partner all the best in the future.
-- Clint
RE: Anonymous (May 11, 12:30 pm)
In reading Clints response, I thought of something to add. Of course your husband must be calm and in control of his emotions to spank you, and your best means of supporting that attitude in him is for you to willingly cooperate with being spanked. Tell him that talking you out of previous spankings is wrong and, as Clint suggests, tell him to follow through next time, even if it takes all night. Perhaps he can encourage you to comply with each step, such as baring, getting in position, etc. Going slowly here might help you calm down, as one cannot stay in a panic mode for along period of time. (I know this differs from other advice that says extended bedroom time increases anxiety. But I am suggesting that he stay wig her and encourage her.) Do it and you will feel better!
My husband and I have been married for seven years. Spanking has always fascinated me, and I do have a fetish, I suppose, but longing for a DD relationship has nothing to do with that. I want a husband who is the head of the household, who I respect and yes, obey. I want to be the kind of wife that does obey and respect her husband, yet I find I am most like that person when we practice DD. We do it off and on, which frustrates me. I know I can be something of a brat and I am less so when we are consistent with DD. I am not entirely sure why my husband is not 100% on board as he says it makes our marriage better, and he will never allow me to rule it out, so why doesn't he do it consistently, when deserved? Do you have any advice? I have not read far yet. If you don't mind me asking, what made your wife approach you with the idea? I know that we have both been happiest in our marriage when this was a part of our lives...
@Krista - Clint and Rogue from "Rogues Awakening" both wrote posts on this blog concerning consistency. I would suggest you read and share them with your husband.
Clint's post from the HoH point of view is here:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/08/importance-of-consistency.html
Rogue's post from the wife's point of view is here:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/05/guest-blogger-wifes-viewpoint-of.html
This is a very good post regarding approaching your husband regarding DD:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html
Clint's wife Chelsea also wrote a 3 part series on her blog regarding getting your husband on board with DD. Here is the link:
http://knowingyourroles.blogspot.com/search/label/how%20to%20talk%20to%20your%20spouse%20about%20domestic%20discipline
All of these links should work by just copying/pasting them into your browser. If you can't get Chelsea's link to work, just go to her blog http://knowingyourroles.blogspot.com/ and scroll down the labels on the side until you find "How to talk to your spouse...".
Hope this helps.
Cat
Hope these help
Thanks, Cat! Much appreciated!
This Cat sure is wonderful, isn't she? While you were away on hiatus and busy, she stepped right in and gave all kinds of fantastic answers. Hope you don't pay her more than you do me, Boss?
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