Sunday, May 1, 2011

May Couples Challenge: The Rules

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  This challenge is all about creating the rules, boundaries, and consequences in your domestic discipline relationship.  You can now find this article on our new website by clicking here.


Anonymous said...

I appreciate this blog, I have been trying to interest my husband in this type of marraige for many years. he is now trying, this blog is helpful. We read this challenge, I'm wondering why you say at least 20 rules to start, that sounds excessive, like it could be overwhelming.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous - At least 20 rules is quite a few, but this is a challenge after all. :) I ask couples to list 20 rules because I think that many rules will set solid expectations of what will and will not be acceptable behaviors within the household.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

What are some of the rules in your relationship like? 20 seems like a lot. Although I understand the all encompassing thought. It makes sense. I wonder if it's difficult to enforce though.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous - I'm not saying any of these HAVE to be in your marriage, these are just examples from mine, since you asked.

1) - Always be respectful to one another at all times.
2) - No lying.
3) - No drinking alcohol when the other is not around.
4) - No doing any illegal drugs.
5) - Obey all traffic laws.
6) - No texting while driving.
7) - When out, check in regularly.
8) - No excessive spending.
9) - No procrastinating.
10) - No foul language in front of the kids.
11) - No fighting in front of the kids.
12) - Never go to bed angry at one another.
13) - Don't be wasteful (with water, electricity, etc.)
14) - Clean up after yourself.
15) - Maintain good hygiene.
16) - No embarrassing behavior in public.
17) - No "temper tantrums."
18) - Maintain a clean and clutter-free home.
19) - Be respectful of others, and other peoples belongings.
20) - No secret bank accounts, credit cards, or loans.
21) - No profiles on social networking sites without letting your spouse know about it.
22) - Make "major" decisions together. (Home remodels, big purchases like a car, etc.)
23) - Hold still during spankings.
24) - Cooperate during all punishments.
25) - No infidelity.

Those are just a few off the top of my head. They're a little random..I just wrote them as I thought of them.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Basically I have only 3 standards that we follow. The 3 D's

I can't be disrespectful. I can have my own opionions but they must be stated in a respectful manor.

I can't be dishonost.

That covers most most situations.
Like swearing - I learned the hard way that swearing is disrespectful to myself and all around me who heard it.

I can't be disobedient.

Anonymous said...

The rules you list sound good and make sense, but would you spank her if she had an affair? I know some can overcome infidelity in their marriage,but for most it means the marriage is broken and over. how is spanking her going to fix that?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous - I would hope it wouldn't get that point, since I would punish for any kind of "date", or at least what I would consider a "date" with another man. But, unfortunately sometimes spouses find out about infidelity when it's too late.

I doubt spanking would correct an infidelity issue. I agree with you that this may mean the marriage is broken and over, but that isn't always the case. Some people make a mistake (in this case a devastating one) and feel extremely remorseful for their actions, never intending to disrupt their marriage. Although the marriage may be strong, this would still obviously cause major shock waves in the marriage.

Having said all this, infidelity is an issue that is best addressed with a marriage counselor/therapist. Spanking may not correct the problem long term, but in the case where the cheating spouse feels overwhelming remorse, I think spanking would be a good first step in beginning the healing process. Emotions of pain, guilt, remorse, and all other emotions that are felt when infidelity is present in a marriage can begin to be nursed back to a healthy state through a spanking.

-- Clint

PJ said...

Clint, my wife and I have decided that we can modify/change our list of 12 rules to adapt it to our life as we get more experienced in the DD life style, is it something you recommend for or against? Ultimately, my goal is to keep only problem spots on our list, keeping most of the basics as unwritten standards. What are you thoughts on that?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@P - I think modifying the rules within your marriage as you become more and more experienced is a great idea. Over time, your wife will become better and better at following certain rules, so modifying/changing them as you grow in your marriage is a good idea so long as you keep them constructive to the marriage. That's something I would feel comfortable recommending, but I would always keep the modified rules as part of your household as well, or keep them as "unwritten standards" as you've put it. As long as you do that, I feel modifying the rules would be beneficial to a marriage since most marriages are constantly evolving and growing.

Ultimately something like this is up to you, the head of the household, but I definitely think this would be a positive thing for a marriage.

-- Clint

Tink said...

Do you have to follow these rules too? Or just your wife? What happens to you if you break one of these rules? Do you help keep the home clean too? Almost everyone I know has problems with their husbands cleaning, they don't do it. Only the wife. Now none of these people are in a DD relationship so I don't know how much that would change things.


Tink said...

Also I'd like to hear the punishments you give for your list of rules.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Tink - I do my best to follow all of our rules, yes, but do I HAVE to follow them - no. Neither does my wife. My wife can do whatever she wants, but she understands that some of her choices will have consequences. What happens to me is a matter of religious belief which I don't like getting into on this blog, but I'll answer your question. We're Christian, so my wife and I both believe God holds me accountable for my mistakes as He sees fit. My wife wrote a blog entry on this subject as well if you'd like to read it. It's the "The Woman's Perspective: What if my husband breaks a rule?" entry.

Yes, I help keep the home clean. As for the punishments I give for our list of rules - it differs with each rule. The most common punishments I administer I've discussed at length on the blog. Them being spankings, corner time, bedroom time, removing privleges, and those listed in my "Additional Punishments" post.

Hope this answers all your questions! Thank you for your comment. All the best Tink!

-- Clint

Jim said...

I want to first of all say Bravo to you for the approach you are taking on this site. I also want to particularly express my strong support for putting this Rules challenge as an early core part of your approach. It is great to put goals, rules and aspirations into writing during a calm period where we can focus on how how we went to live as a couple. The Rules, especially when the consequences for violation are set out, also provides an underlying spirit of justice which can guide the couple at the times when a consequence (which the wife may be reluctant to accept at the time it is actually applied) is imposed by the husband.

At the risk of being accused of taking you too literally, I would like to differ with your view of the Husband's responsibility to follow rules. I think that a Husband should make a commitment to follow rules in the home which properly apply to him. Even though only the wife is subject to certain types of consequences, the husband who violates the rule should have to face himself and squarely acknowledge to himself (and in my view, preferably admit to his wife as well) that he has behaved wrongly.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Jim - I couldn't agree with you more. I agree. I should have included that somewhere in my posts. If the husband makes a mistake or breaks a rule, he should let his wife know about it. I 100% agree with that. Thank you for your comment, Jim. It was extremely well said.

I appreciate YOUR appreciation of the blog. I put a lot of time and effort into this blog (and the network), so it's nice that some people can see that and appreciate it. Thank you so much.

All the best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

My husband wants to add a no smoking rule to our household. He thinks it should be a spankable offense, because it is detrimental to my health. (I never smoke in the house, because I would never endanger my loved ones with second hand smoke.)He doesn't smoke, so I don't feel he realizes how difficult this is going to be for me. I've always wanted to quit, but the few times I've tried were unsuccessful. Part of me wants to agree to this, but part of me is afraid I'm going to have a sore behind for awhile for either breaking the rule or sneaking around and being caught. What are your thoughts on using DD to quit such an addictive behavior? Is it fair?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous - I think it's fair, however I would create a "program" with it so to speak. Let me explain what I mean. This is how I would go about this problem:

For sake of example, let's say you smoke approximately 10 cigarettes a day.

What I would recommend is that you put a rule in place where you cannot have more than 7 cigarettes a day for two weeks. If you smoke more than 7 cigarettes any day within those two weeks, you get spanked. By the end of two weeks, you should be down to 7 cigarettes a day.

Then change the rule to 5 cigarettes a day for two weeks.

Then change the to 3 cigarettes a day for two weeks.

And so on and so forth until you're not smoking any more. That's how I would recommend something like a smoking habit be handled.

With a habit such as smoking, it isn't going to get fixed over night. It's going to take some time, and it's going to take a lot of work from both you and your husband. He needs to understand that there ARE addictive chemicals in cigarette smoke, and it's not an easy habit to break. I think if you both work together, you can get the smoking habit kicked.

Best of luck to you!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

@Anynomous 4:57

I like Clints suggestion for how to incorporate no smoking into your rules. I do have another suggestion to pass on to you.

For some people a step down approach does work. But for many people the constant state of withdraw makes the process very long and miserable.

There is another view that "cold turkey" is the only way. There is a web sit called WhyQuit. It is a 100% cold turkey cessasion web site. Its alot of reading, but it breaks the whole process down for you and explains the medical/physical/psychological effects of "withdraw" from smoking. No ONE way works for everyone. But I really encourage you to READ this web site before you commit to stopping smoking. Its much easier than you relize to quit (and the hardest thing you'll ever do!)

I AM a smoker, I have done the program, it DID work and was really easy. UNFORTUNATLY I am one of those people that just doesn't WANT to quit smoking. Its terrible I know, but I will admit that I didn't WANT to. Anyway, i did what the web site recommends on a "bet" that I couldn't quit. It was about 4 yrs ago, so I imagine there is even more info on the site now. I know from experience that this cold turkey method works.

I wish you much luck and I really believe if you read the information on the site, and try what is suggested you will have a much easier time than you think. AND most of all, your backside will thank you the most ;-)

Anonymous said...

I thank you, and my backside thanks you.

Jack said...

My wife and I are reading your blog together to learn about DD and we wanted to just talk about what rules we should have if we agree to do this.We think the rules you listed above are a good place to start. But then I said I wante to make a schedule for her for during the day because she loses focus while I'm at work and kids are in school.And I told her I wanted her to take a walk outside each day because I think she hides inside the house too much. Well she got really mad and just walked away and stuck her nose in a book.So I don't think she understood that I was trying to help her to not get behind and overwhelmed which makes her stress out and grouchy. And I want her to take a walk because it's not good for her to be inside the house all the time because she gets depressed. I would like to see what you think about it.And I know she will read this. By the way, I am getting a lot of information from your blog, so thanks for the help.

Terri said...

Hi Clint,
Since you have rules challenge, I'm going to assume that you think rules are important. My husband and I have been trying to incorporate DD into our marriage for 4 yrs now. On Saturday, he decided there were no more rules as "I know what he expects". Well I do, nothing more than I've done all along. To me this seems like a cop out so that he can say we have a DD marriage without any effort on his part. The main reason he says he's doing away with the rules is because he can't make me abide by them, but on the same token he's never tried to enforce them either. Thoughts on the importance of rules would be appreciated.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Jack - My pleasure, Jack. I'm glad you enjoy the blog and find it useful for your marriage.

It's understandable that your wife may have taken those rules the wrong way. Just going off of what you've said, I don't think those rules are unfair, however if she has some objection against them, then I'd recommend you two discuss the problem. I would, in a very calm and loving manner, explain to her why you want to make these items a part of your rules. I agree that it's healthy to get out of the house. It's healthy in a couple different ways. She'd be getting daily exercise which is always a good thing, and if she struggles with depression it would be beneficial for her emotionally as well. The rules, of course, are up to you, but at the same time she needs to understand them and agree with them.

As far as the schedule thing - if you feel it would be beneficial for your family then of course I would agree with it. But, like the taking a walk rule, she needs to understand why you feel it would be beneficial and why you want it a part of her daily routine. Daily routines, by the way, can take a lot of time to change. Naturally people are creatures of habit, so disrupting a regular routine for a whole new routine can be rather challenging for some people. Just keep that in mind. Overall I don't think your rules are out of line or anything, but you both need to understand them full and you both need to be on the same page.

I hope that helps, Jack. All the best.

-- Clint

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Terri - I agree with you - it does sound like a bit of a cop out on his part. Rules are the very foundation of Domestic Discipline, and there's no question they are extremely important in any Domestic Discipline marriage.

Your husband may be finding it difficult to enforce the rules, or be consistent with them. That's a common thing. A lot of husbands experience that, and it's a normal problem. There isn't a concrete way to fix this though, unfortunately. Your husband is going to have to take initiative to be the leader of the home and enforce the rules within the marriage. What I recommend is taking a week where the husband really cracks down hard on the rules, punishing as instantly as possible after a rule is broken. He needs to remain calm, collected, and loving of course, but a week is a good time frame to give the "cracking down" a chance. Often times it will extend beyond the week and become more permanent in the marriage.

Rules are extremely important. No question about it. Hopefully your husband can come to that realization soon. Best of luck to you, Terri.

-- Clint

Denise said...

At first I thought this challenge would be pretty easy. The example list you provided above seems very straight-forward and easy to follow. But when my husband ( Jack from the above comment) suggested rules that dealt with some of my weaknesses, I felt defensive. I felt like he was attacking my abilities as a homemaker, and I felt insulted that he thought I needed more exercise. I should have let him explain his reasoning. I mean, I am the one who asked for more structure, and then when he tried to give it to me I got angry. Anyway, we are learning a lot, and we are still plugging away at this challenge. Thanks, Clint.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Denise - It's understandable to be a bit defiant against a whole new lifestyle change. Incorporating Domestic Discipline into a marriage is never an easy thing to do. It isn't like DD is a month long process and it's over with. DD literally changes your life forever, and something of that magnitude can take quite a bit of adjusting to say the least.

I obviously don't know you or Jack any further than the comments you've left, but it does seem your husband is genuine in his concerns and wants to help you be a healthier, happier person. I don't think he intended to insult you with these rules - I think he was just looking at the big picture and felt these rules would be beneficial to you and the marriage in the long run. Perhaps you and your husband should sit down together and re-evaluate these rules, discussing all the details and all the intentions behind them. I'm making an educated guess, but I think your husband just has your best interest at heart and once you see that, it should be easier for you to accept.

All the best to you, and congratulations on taking the big step of bringing DD into your marriage. I think it will be wonderful for you both. Good luck with everything!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

My hubby and I had tried DD years ago and found (for us) that too many rules all at once made it very overwhelming. We thought DD wasn't going to work and stopped short. Then a while back my hubby wanted to pick it back up only this time we would start small and work on 'rules' gradually.

For example... Our biggest issue is that I tend to like to eat out. My mind set is that it is more out of necessity than a 'want' because I have three kids that I am running all over and there are times when making dinner at home seems impossible - His take is that there is always a solution and eating out isn't it. He hates processed food and the like so when he means cook, he means cook a meal from scratch. He was tolerating the occasional outing until he went out of town on business for six weeks and while he was gone football season started for our oldest, the karate schedule for our other son was changed and the third's bedtime scooted back. Needless to say, feeling a little overwhelmed, we ate out virtually every night. When hubby returned, he was not pleased. So, that is where we started. He monitors my spending like a hawk on a field mouse.

But.. once I had gotten that under control (by not making excuses why I can't cook or asking often to eat out) then we moved on to the next rule... so on and so on... currently I am working on swearing (oddly, I am the one who cusses like a sailor). Hubby finds it seriously disrespectful... I am still working on that because I see it as 'offensive' more than disrespectful - semantics I know, I am rather thick headed.

Then I read this here: Anonymous said: "... Like swearing - I learned the hard way that swearing is disrespectful to myself and all around me who heard it. " -- I don't know why this rule is so hard for me. But, I am working on it and hearing another person say exactly what my hubby did makes me think I might be seeing it wrong. Not that I think it is 'ok'. In all other avenues of my life I am a highly respectful woman, so to be told I am being disrespectful irks me and I tend to rebel against that.

Anyway, my point is that, for some, too many rules may be defeating. Some of the items on Clint's list are a given, like no infidelity and no secret bank accounts. So maybe that is the difference. When we had tried a 'list' of rules, they were all things that we agreed I needed to improve. The problem was that it all was expected at once and I got very overwhelmed. I felt like I was constantly in trouble and couldn't do anything right. By starting off small it has been a more manageable lifestyle. Now, don't get me wrong. Once a rule is set, it is set. I still have to hand over receipts with the credit card when I get back from the store and I am currently banned from eating out, lol. But now instead of having a bunch of rules that I'm not used to that I have to try to comply with, I have one at a time that I can get used to and make a habit of. Some don't have to take long... with the spending issue (that six weeks of eating out totaled over $700) I only had to be spanked once and I got the message loud and clear. Although there are also privileges that I have to earn back still. Others take a few more 'discussions' (thats our codeword for 'you are getting a spanking'). ~ to be continued in next post :)

Anonymous said...

~ ok, continued... my post was too big, lol...

Sorry.. I am a serious 'chatty Kathy', lol. I just wanted to share how we approached it in case a list of rules wasn't working for someone. For us.. we had to take it slow. I think it may depend on the woman to be honest. I operate on a very high anxiety, bounce off the walls, trying to do 10 things at once kind of life. So trying to remember a lot of new rules all at once just set me up for disaster and many days of delicate sitting, lol. By taking one at a time I was able to get one under control before having to worry about the next, but because hubby took the time to allow me to get that one under control, it became second nature. I now plan meals way ahead of time and when I think to myself 'we should just grab some On the Border' (my fave), I barely even let my brain go there now. Where before I would think of how to justify it so I could do it. (or I would go to the grocery store and write for over so that I could stop and grab some Starbucks or the like - hence the handing over of receipts now) Now it is second nature to cook at home. Now if I could just not swear... I would be so much happier!
--Angie :)

Anonymous said...

what Rules does the HoH have to follow? I know it should be the same as the wife, but I think many men have 'double standards'. I'm just curious what your opinion is...what should a HoH do/not do.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous - This is a difficult question to answer since every household has a different set of rules and expectations within them. I feel some universal rules that an HOH should expect of himself are things like always being respectful to his spouse (and his children); always do what's in the best financial interest of the family and home; don't do anything that would disrupt the harmony in the marriage and home (financial strain, infidelity, watch/read pornography, raise his voice/yell, etc.), contribute with maintaining the home (yard work, taking garbage out, taking care of the car, etc.); and just overall doing what's in the best interest of the family. These may not be great examples, but I think every HOH should do these things, generally speaking. I also feel an HOH should acknowledge his mistakes, apologize to his wife and children for them, and take the necessary actions to correct the mistake. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to being a true HOH. His actions are what will earn him admiration and respect from his family.

This may or may not be the answer you were looking for, but it's what first came to my mind when I read your question.

All the best to you!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous AKA Chatty Cathy

I think you sound like a smart woman..not thick headed at all, and there is nothing wrong with talking. I think you explained yourself very well.

Anonymous said...

We have a no swearing rule in our house. Now this is usually no problem, because my wife is very respectful and ladylike. But during spanking the curse words slip out. (She is not swearing AT me, but just yelling out the words in general). Would you punish for this? I am torn, because I hate to hear those words come out of her mouth, but then again I know I am causing her pain, and she may not be able to help it. Thanks, Clint.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous - Like you, I can understand why she curses mid spanking. It hurts, and sometimes those words slip out.

What I would recommend you do (if you want to put a stop to it) is add 2 strikes with each curse word she says mid spanking. If you want it to stop, you're going to have to punish for it in some fashion. I would tell her BEFORE you begin the spanking that you will add 2 strikes for every curse word she says during the spanking, to be fair. This will give her knowledge of what to expect before you start, and give her a chance to be self-controlling on her words during the spanking. Once you've given her fair warning, what happens to her is up to her.

Good luck to you! I hope this helps you out.

-- Clint

Josh said...

How about just not Hurt your wife and be a man? That would be a solution.

Anonymous said...

If you're such a man Josh, why is it not possible for you to respect what someone else thinks is valid for them? I noticed that you spend a lot of time on DD blogs and facebook, bashing something you obviously know less than nothing about. What are you doing here if you don't agree? Rather ironic, if you ask me.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Josh - That would be a solution for a lot of marriages. Thank you for giving readers another option, and thank you for reading. I wish you and your spouse the very best.

@Anonymous - Ironic, indeed.

-- Clint

GMD said...

I understand why rules are necessary, in fact sense my wife and I have been in what we call an Alternative Relationship, we have established not only a set of rule we call the "ASRT", but we also have a contract. This is only binding to us and is in connection to the ASRT...We have been using both sense 2005 and even though she gets off track sometimes, the ASRT helps put things right. There is punishments involved and limitations that are covered in the ASRT...I have just started reading most of these blogs and it seems we have been on this path without even knowing it.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@GMD - Wonderful! I'm happy for you and your spouse that you both have found what works best in your marriage. Thank you for your comment and I wish you all the best going forward.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

First off, I really like your blog it's great and informative. Before writing further I just want to note that English is not my native language so there can be some weird things in my comments..

As you can see (if I did it right) my name is also Denise what is quite funny especially because I do so recognize other Denise issues and her Husbands comment. I also can get really depressed when I lock myself in my home then you come in a downward spirale because you don't want to leave at all anymore and I stay up until very late in the night and sleep the whole day it's very self-destructing for me at least. But if someone else confronts me wit this I get defensive and ashamed because I don't want to be flawed..(perfectionist) and the getting stressed thing I think most of us can recognize.

I just want to ask you about the second very important rule is this rule for you so important because of your past experiences? Because in my case I don't ever overspend maybe because I grew up poor with a overspending mom. So than the rule isn't necessary I think?

I have another off-topic question, sometimes I kind of zoom out of spankings it's not that I don't feel it's hard to describe.. It's like locking myself in my head and disconnecting with my body. I also don't wiggle I just lie there and undergo it. Have any advice on that?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Denise2 - Thank you so much for your kind words about the blog. I'm so glad to hear you find it helpful and informative. I appreciate you reading!

I'm sorry to hear about your depression issues. If you struggle with this daily, I'd recommend discussing this depression problem with a local doctor. There are medications (antidepressants) available to those with a chronic depression issue. This is just a suggestion, of course, but I can tell it's bothersome to you and I hope you know there is help out there for you if you want it, and you should always consult a doctor before taking any medication.

The second example rule is not due to a past experience of mine. The reason I included this example is simply because a LOT of marriages have spending issues from one of the spouses within them. I feel it's a good idea for every couple to work out a budget plan or some financial rules of the home that will work best for their marriage. It will save a lot of arguments later. If you and your spouse don't have spending issues, then perhaps that rule isn't necessary for your marriage. Every marriage is different with their own unique dynamics.

Forgive me, but I'm not exactly sure what you mean with your last question. If spankings aren't effecting you, then my recommendation is that you and your spouse change one or more aspects of the spanking process. It sounds as though the spanking has become "routine" for you, so you and your husband need to change the way you spank. I'm not sure if that helped you or not, but again, I'm not sure I fully understand the situation and I sincerely apologize for that.

All the best to you, Denise2.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

@Clint Thank you so much for your response! I have my depression currently under control I have been seeing mental health specialists for a while now and things are actually much better than they were before. I don't take medicine I think they can help, but they also often mask the real underlying problems. This is a personal choice.

The second problems is solved I talked it over with my partner and we found out that because I knew what was going the happen every detail (number of strokes and stuff) I was calculating during the punishments and this was taken the attention away from them. So now I don't know what is going to happen and he talks more to me during the punishment so I don't wander off in my mind. This really works for me..

But again thank you for your response and kind words!

Anonymous said...

I attend a local community college any i was wondering if you thought this was fair. My husband wants to spank me when I act up, get bad grades, don't turn in an assignment, violate dress code, or am in any way disrespectful or have a bad attitude at school. This happens a lot at school but i'm not sure if i agree with his rule. He said that if I don't stop misbehaving he would send me with a behavior report and have my professor record my productivity and behavior for the day. He often presents childish stuff like this to our marriage because when I grew up, my parents would literally treat me like a baby when i supposedly acted like one.(Diaper me, put me in a crib, walk me around the block in a stroller) Please let me know your opinion on the spanking and on the report.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (January 5th 4:53 PM) - I'm so sorry I missed your comment before. I didn't mean to respond back to you a month and a half later. I may be too late now, but for what it's worth, I'll still answer your question.

Fairness of rules within any given marriage is a completely case-specific situation, and is different for every marriage. In your situation, if you struggle with behavior while in school, I can understand your husband's desire to correct those problems so you get the most out of your education opportunity. Going off of what you've said in your comments, I don't think punishing you for those problems at school is unreasonable or unfair in any way. He wants you to respect the rules of the institution and take your education seriously. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

I do not, however, agree with the behavior report. That gets unnecessary individuals involved. Your teacher/professor doesn't need to be involved in this at all. Your professor doesn't have time to deal with that, and shouldn't have to.

Finally, I'm at a loss for words on how your parents handled your punishments as a child. I completely disagree with that, and I'm so sorry you were treated that way. I won't say any more than that.

Good luck with everything. All the best to you!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

When my wife and I first started DD, I committed to not have a set list of specific rules, because I believe DD, like many facets of the marriage relationship, should be flexible. My wife does know that she must follow the "three D's", which have been explained in detail from least to greatest, and that punishments will be commensurate with the offense. I discipline her seldom, on the order of once every three or four months, but that has proven to be enough to drive the point home. Just today she mentioned on the phone that she was cleaning the house because she did not want me to spank her this evening (the house is one of the things she knows she must do).

I'm new to this blog. Good content!

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (February 22nd 3:02 PM) - Welcome to the blog! I'm thankful to have you as a reader. I hope you enjoy everything it has to offer.

I appreciate you sharing your experience. Only punishing once every three or four months is wonderful. It sounds like you and your wife are doing great!

I wish you and your wife nothing but the best going forward.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I am sorry if you have answeres this before but what happens if the husband or HoH breaks one of the agreed upon rules?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (March 5th 7:04 AM) - It's quite alright. You ask a common question, and my wife wrote a post on that very topic. You can read it by copying and pasting the following link into your web browser:

I encourage you to read over that post, as well as the comments on that post. I think that will help you out.

Welcome to the blog! Let me know if you have any other questions. All the best to you.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

what if the bottom finds out the top is conversing with ex's who they have had a history of never being able to leave them alone totally and always taking them back and always paying there bills and the bottom finds out the top is on dating sights, but the bottom does not know how to bring it up.

Rachel said...


I was reading some comments above mine, and I couldn't help notice when infidelity came into the conversation you said you would spank for anything you considered a "date". What exactly do you consider a date?

The reason I ask is because my husband and I are just starting out, and I have male friends that I occasionally see in social situations that he doesn't necessarily approve of. What its your take on male friends in a marriage?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Rachel - This is a very good question and one that will differ with ever HoH in any given relationship, but since you specifically asked for my opinion on it, I'm happy to share my thoughts.

A "date" to me would be any kind of social interaction with another man where I am not present, and where it would only be my wife and this man together. That pretty much sums it up for me.

I understand there may be business meetings, or there may be a platonic friendship here and there. That's fine as long as it doesn't cross over into the type of situation I described above. Having male friends is great, but keep that friendship respectful to your spouse. Don't do anything you wouldn't want your spouse doing with another woman. If you wouldn't want your husband meeting another woman for a cup of coffee, chances are he wouldn't like you meeting with another man for coffee, either.

That's the way I personally see it. It is a very interesting topic though. I'd love to hear other HoH opinions on it as well. Perhaps some will chime in with their thoughts.

All the best to you, Rachel. And welcome to the DD lifestyle! I'm confident you and your husband will experience many wonderful benefits from it as so many others have.

-- Clint

Unknown said...

Hey, this is really good advice, something similar to what I was going to post on my blog that I just started.

Me and my fiance aren't in this type of relationship, at least not yet, but I have discussed it with him and he seems to take to the idea. As long as I've known him he's been the take-charge type of guy, with work, family, friends...his confidence is a noticeable aspect of him and I don't think he'd have a problem being Head of the Household some day.

As for the rules, I agree. Lying should be at the top of the list for don'ts.

I wasn't sure at first how to pursue this type of relationship with my fiance but now I have something to bounce ideas off of. I think creating a rule list would be a great way to begin! This was definitely a great help and great read.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Ava Wayland - Thank you, and welcome to the blogging community!

Setting the rules is certainly important, particularly when just starting the lifestyle. Once those are in place, expectations are known and understood.

Good luck to you both as you start this lifestyle! I'm confident you'll find many benefits from it that so many others do.

All the best, Ava.

-- Clint

Alecia said...

some of those are very good rules and i like alot of your posts, is there any husbands out there willing to talk to my husband of 2 weeks who is new at the dd lifestyle but he sure is trying hard

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Alecia - There are several supportive husbands in the LDD Network if you'd like to consider signing up (or consider asking your husband to sign up). He would receive plenty of help/support in there. Just a thought.

Good luck to you. All the best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Usually this life style is the woman's idea to bring into relationship. The temporary pain is a building block to happier relationship in long run. Most people in this relationship have very reapectful communication

Vicky said...

Hello, My husband and I are new to this life style. While we are not "young" in age, we are in spirit and in our marriage. I remember asking him before we got married if he would be the HOH and I didn't even know there was a lifestyle as such, I am a Christian woman and I was frankly sick of being the HOH. Now while I know I have control issues, ie., wanting not to be HOH but then not wanting to give up control either. I know this must sound confusing and it is to me as well. We did make a list of rules last night and that was a great thing to do. I know today I was disrespectful and disobedient, yet he didn't catch it, but I most certainly did. When this happens, I feel like I am getting away with something that I shouldn't, so I informed my husband. I think that he is not used to having someone show respect, but he is certainly a respect showing man. He deserves this respect and obedience and I want to do that for him.(Actually us) So, I have a couple of questions. Should I point out my own infractions? If I do, should I be punished? Or should I simply pray for my husband to recognize when something is against the rules?
I really am enjoying reading your blog. There is sooo much information on it and am glad you have put the time in. This is exactly what I have been looking for. This lifestyle. To put things in their proper place. Thank you.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (August 3rd 6:14 PM) - I agree with everything you said in your comment. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

@Vicky - I'm so happy to hear you find the blog helpful and useful for your marriage. That's what it's here for. Thank you so much for reading and supporting LDD.

Where you're just starting out with the lifestyle, pointing out your own personal flaws/infractions is a fine (particularly if it's causing a lot of guilt within you), so long as you can do so respectfully. Doing so shows accountability from you, which is always appreciated by an HoH. As you and your husband become more and more comfortable with the lifestyle, and more and more comfortable with the agreed upon rules of the marriage, he should then assume the lead and punish as he sees fit, without you necessarily pointing out infractions. It may take some time to get to that point as you ease into the lifestyle, but until then I feel it's perfectly appropriate to work together with him in establishing the foundation of your DD practices.

If your "confession" (for lack of a better term) breaks the rules, and is something your husband agreed to punish for when you set those rules, then yes, a punishment should be carried out accordingly.

Praying is never a bad thing. I would never discourage you from doing so. If you feel you need to pray about this issue, then by all means, do so.

I hope this helps you out, Becky. Welcome to a DD lifestyle! I wish you nothing but good health and happiness as you move forward into the future.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your sight and it's great! but how can I bring up domestic dicipline with my partner of 3 yrs? We've had a few romantic dicipline scenes here and there but I really want to try to persue this but I'm not sure how my girlfriend will react to it being a real thing and I don't know how to even bring it up, she is the HOH or the Top I guess you could say.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (August 19th 7:38 AM) - I'm glad you're enjoying the site! Thank you so much for reading and supporting LDD.

I wrote a post on how to get the husband (or HoH) on board with a DD relationship, and you can read it by following this link:

The post is written from the husband being the HoH point of view, but I feel it can still help you in your preferred relationship dynamic.

I hope this helps. Good luck in bringing Domestic Discipline into your relationship!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...


although I am not in a relationship or into spanking I find it interesting to research information about these topics. Reading some of these entries I wonder about something though: Most of the time the husband seasons to be the Head of Household. In this entry, for example, you also wrote that telling the truth should be a rule... which is, I guess, obvious, considering that lifelong relationships ought to be built on trust.
But do any couples at all practice some sort of mutual DD? If the husband lies, does the wife punsh him? Or, to ask less specifically, are DD relationships possible if the partners are equals?

It would be great if anybody could explain the exact status of wife and husband in a DD relaionship - there are so many couples I've seen in which the wife is the more responsible and reasonable one most of the time who manage the money, work a lot and put up with some of the hobbies and quirks of their husbands; so if such a husband would then discipline his wife but not vice versa this would seem really hypocritical.

I guess this is a well done site and i think I now understand some couples' motivations to practice DD.

James said...

I also was wondering how this would work. It my world, it is usually the wife who is the more mature and responsible one in the relationship. I am a man and have lots of friends who are very lucky to have the wives they have that keep them on the right track (not by spanking but by reasoning).

I hear quite often people remarking "he needs an wife to settle him down"

Anonymous said...

I had a question for you and this seemed the most appropriate place to put it. I am fairly comfortable with the idea of Domestic Discipline and have done a lot of research. My husband is still getting used to the idea. After taking a break from this we decided to give it another go and are trying to establish a structure in order to make things easier for both of us (mainly him).
Here's the thing. I disobeyed him. He told me to do something simple but I didn't feel like doing it and part of me wanted to test the boundaries. So I chose not to do as he requested and he didn't even notice. Now I feel badly that I was so childish. I am inclined to tell him about it so that it can be dealt with and I don't want to become bitter with him for not noticing. I'n also inclined not to say anything as I fear that would be pushing him beyond his comfort zone. He obviously doesn't "get it" as much as I thought. So, what would you recommend? Should I tell him or just move on?

Ezz said...

A relative beginner to DD, I have read lots of information and think I understand a lot of what DD is really about, but there is one concept that I have always found hard to (fully) grasp. I am sure there must be an article or post somewhere that can clarify it fully but I've yet to find it.

Anyway, it concerns when husbands break rules of the house.

Now the rules may include items such as those from the list at the top of this thread:
5. Obey all traffic laws.
24. Cooperate during all punishments.

Clearly, husband and wife both have to adhere to all the rules but 24 only applies to the wife, as she is the only one who gets punishments. But what about the husband who breaks rule 5 by driving too fast or parking illegally? The wife cannot punish him, and he can decide not to even admit that he has done it. I am not saying that I don't like it because it is unfair or anything like that, but struggle with the concept of there being little incentive for the husband to keep to the rules.

I do understand that in all matters of rules and punishments, the husband has final say whatever happens and accept that. I also fully understand that there can be only one head of household and that's what DD is all about. But from whichever angle I look at things I can't quite grasp having rules that both have to follow but where one can effectively choose not to. Or, more accurately perhaps, where either can choose not to but one will be punished and the other won't.

Can anybody state clearly what it is that I am missing (if anything) or point me to some relevant article that covers what I am looking for?

Cat said...

@Ezz 22.Oct 12:12p - Most HoH's will hold themselves to a higher standard as they feel they cannot hold their wife accountable for something if they do not follow the same rule. Consequences may be different, but there are consequences, even if it's "just" guilt. Which as we both know can really be more painful than the worst spanking! Clint wrote an excellent post about this issue. Here is the link:

Christina over at Red Booty Woman also wrote an excellent post about the husbands accountability. Here is the link:

Yes, he can choose not to follow the rules and not make amends, but without the steps (or similar) that Clint outlined in the above referenced post, the relationship will be truly damaged - possibly irretrievably. Husband’s are human and they will make mistakes, how they handle those mistakes is the true test. Hope this helps.


Ezz said...

Thank you for your helpful reply and the links to those articles, also very helpful and informative.

As I said, we are fairly new to DD and I kept finding myself wondering if I had 'missed something' somewhere.

I think I would be correct to say that the difference between consequences (for the husband breaking rules vs. the wife doing the same) is just something to be accepted 'as it is' when consenting the a DD lifestyle. To newbies it might seem unfair that the wife receives severe punishments but the husband does not, but that is what we are agreeing to and that is the concept.

If I'm wrong, I am confident someone will put me right!

Finally, I am not complaining about fairness (or unfairness) or implying that I have any problems relating to this in our relationship, but I wondered if it was something that many people think about or are confused by at first.

Thanks again for your help.

All the best.


Ezz said...

@cat (again!)

Yes I do think that Red Booty Woman makes sense in her article. It even starts with "It hardly seems fair." which really emcompasses my question about husbands punishing their wives but the wives can't do the same to them. To new DD couples (especially women!) is doesn't seem fair, but the concept makes sense for the good of the marriage as a whole.

What made me understand was when I tried to put myself in the husband's position (Does it happen often that the HoH is the wife?) and I realised that I really wouldn't want the responsibility that he has as the HoH, not sure I could cope with it if I'm really being honest. Given the choice between accepting punishment and accepting that level of responsibility, I think I'm happy with the spanking and other punishments.

I can see now that I hadn't really missed anything at all except that the whole concept of DD that we agree to perhaps IS unfair in a way, but it's an all or nothing choice.

Thanks again for your assistance in pointing me in the right direction.

Cat said...

@Ezz –
I really did not see any complaining in your post – just honest questions from a newbie trying to understand. You are correct in that difference between consequences for the husband and wife is something you need to accept as part of a DD relationship.

Yes, there are relationships where the wife is the HoH – some have posted questions and comments on Clint’s blog and there are websites out there devoted to that lifestyle. Personally, I do not understand it, but if that is what makes their relationship work, then who am I to judge.

As far as fairness goes, I really don’t see the difference in consequences as unfair (unless I get punished for something I don’t agree with. lol). Here is my outlook: In a DD relationship, the HoH leads. You and your HoH are equal partners in your relationship; you just have different roles – his to lead, yours to follow. When there are decisions to be made, you as a couple discuss the issue and then after he has listened to and considered your opinion; he makes the final decision which you accept. If his decision turns out not to be the best choice, he bears that burden on his shoulders. You haven’t missed a thing, and I agree with you, I’d much rather accept punishment than be an HoH.

Christina's husband, Jim, wrote a wonderful guest post here on Clint's blog regarding what it takes to be an HoH. You might find it very helpful. Here’s the link:

Happy I was able to help point you in the right direction.

Wishing the best in your journey.

Ezz said...

Thank you so much for another informative response, written with kindness and compassion.

I see that I haven't really "missed anything" and got things "about right" but what I did underestimate at first was the sheer scale of the responsibility that the HoH takes on in being the decision maker.

Before we began practising DD, we discussed everything and tried (not always with great success) to come to the best decisions together. If we couldn't agree, one or other would be left to decide. If things later went wrong (the decision turned out not to be the best one after all), there could be anger, resentment, confusion, despair and all sorts of emotions on top of the worry about how to put things right again.

Now, my husband takes ALL of that responsibility and the stress and anxiety that goes with it. If he "gets it wrong" he gets all the guilt and worry too. But from me, if he gets it wrong, he now gets my sympathy, not anger or bitterness. I can see how hard it must be for him. I couldn't handle that, I am certain.

All the best

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