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Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Submissive Partner's Perspective

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Chelsea, as the submissive partner in our marriage, offers some insight into the domestic discipline lifestyle from her perspective. You can now find this article on our new website by clicking here.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

So nice to see this blog as I have been seeking information about dd in marriage. I've always had submissive tendencies and as of lately I think my husband is coming around to considering it, possibly only because he knows how much it turns me on. Looking forward to additional posts from you and your husband.

Chelsea said...

I'm glad the blog has been helpful for you! My husband does a pretty awesome job, I have to admit. :)

I think a lot of times getting your spouse on board is the hardest part. I know it's something a lot of women and men struggle with. I would give DD a "trial run" and stop it if it doesn't work for either of you.

Good luck!
-Chelsea

Anonymous said...

Something to know that most wives who are in this sort of relationship/marriage are the ones who originally are the initiators. We want it, we need it and have been afraid to ask for it for fear we would be seen as freaks by the men in our lives. Hidden underneath it all most of our partners/husbands were secretly wishing they could just take us and spank the problems away. I know that our lives would have been more peaceful the first 20 yrs if he had just spanked me after having a "temper tantrum" for a better word to the things I did in the beginning of our marriage. We wouldn't have had so many fights, money problems since we couldn't communicate what we both wanted out of our marrige. I was fighting to be an equal partner while secretly wishing he would just be more the man and stand up to my childish antics for his attention. Just my opinion.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I found this blog! I stumbled across another website two days ago about CDD (Christian DD) and am almost certain God led me there. I've always been fascinated by spanking, never knew why until recently (b/c I have a deep desire to surrender authority to my husband but also an inherent sin nature to fight for it with all my might lo1!) Anyway, I brought it up to him and he is willing to try it. I got my first "test spank" yesterday and thought all the talk about women needing to be spanked until they cry was bogus. I'm a tough woman with a high pain tolerance. But at the end of the test spank (which didn't last long at all, just seeing where my pain threshold was) I felt like I needed closure. This bothered me all day until I got up the nerve to ask for a real spanking. I didn't cry (probably b/c there was no bad behavior involved) but I did feel a sincere release of emotions and truly felt like the slate was clean. My husband got really bothered by it afterwards b/c I unfortunately did bruise (hazard of being new I guess) but to be honest, I'm glad I did. I'm a tiny bit sore today but it has actually given me strength and empowered me to get things done around the house that previously I had no motivation for or desire to do. While my hubby currently thinks I'm crazy for this, I personally think the bruises make me beautiful (on the inside). I feel beautifully made and beautifully loved and I know this is going to improve our marriage, our faith, and hopefully our ability to be parents one day. Thank you so much for sharing all your invaluable insight!

Anonymous said...

If only you gets the punishment, spanking etc...isn't that unfair if he screws up as well? I would find it hard to believe that he's perfect all of the time. How would you handle it if he lied to you, or he got a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt for example. 2 things I'm sure he would punish you for. Please post something on this issue as this is something I really struggle with. I love my HoH but feel resentful, angry etc when he screws up...I doon't want to spank him (that's just not how we work our relationship)

Chelsea said...

Anonymous #1: I'm glad you like the blog! I think my husband does a pretty good job with it. :) I'm glad DD is working well in your marriage.

Chelsea said...

Anonymous #2: I just wrote a post about "what if your husband breaks a rule". You can find it here: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/06/womans-perspective-what-if-my-husband.html Hopefully it helps to answer your question!

Charlie1986 said...

really interesting to hear from the lady of the man who writes this blog, thank you Chelsea, I wish I had other friends who did this, but I know they would be horrified if they found out. Never mind!

Anonymous said...

Chelsea

do you ever still feel guilty for the things you do after you get punished for them? if so how do you deal with it?

Anonymous said...

Hi Chelsea,

My questions have to do with setting rules/guidelines. (1) Is it the sole responsibility of my husband (HOH) to make all the rules and set the guidelines in our household? (2) Since DD is consensual, do I as his wife have any say about those rules? (3) What if I don't agree with some of them? (4) Is it "normal" that a rule or two be sexual in nature?

Glad to have your perspective on these issues.

Chelsea said...

Anonymous (from August 25th): Usually after I get punished, I don't feel guilty anymore because it's like a "clean slate".

Anonymous (from Nov 5th): In OUR household, my husband sets the rules and guidelines. However, I have a say in the rules and as long as I have some sort of valid reason as to why I think something should, or shouldn't, be a rule, my husband always takes that into consideration. There's never really been an instance where he made an unfair rule, or something that I disagreed with, but yes, since we practice DD consensually, I'd definitely let him know if he made a rule that I thought wasn't fair. Obviously though, every household is different.

If you don't agree with some of the rules your husband has set for you, I would talk to him about it but just be prepared to have a valid reasoning as to why you don't agree with them. I think you need to make sure it's something that you don't AGREE with, not just something you don't LIKE, first.

We don't really have any rules that are sexual in nature, but every couple is different. I think sexually related DD rules can be common or "normal", but that's just not how we practice DD.

-Chelsea

Anonymous said...

Chelsea - amazing post. Not sure why I am just finding it now. One part really hit it home for me:

"If you don't agree with some of the rules your husband has set for you, I would talk to him about it but just be prepared to have a valid reasoning as to why you don't agree with them. I think you need to make sure it's something that you don't AGREE with, not just something you don't LIKE, first."

I need to keep this in mind and really process things before I tell my husband something is unfair. great point!!! Thanks again.

-Sarah

Learning To Iron said...

I have a miscellaneous question. Sometimes I need to point out a shortcoming to my husband. I know he takes it hard when I am critical of him. I avoid it as much as I can. Sometimes it can't be avoided. No one is perfect.  One example is that he said he would make a budget for Christmas spending but he never did. We get in over our heads sometimes and we agreed that a budget would be a good idea. I used to do our finances but handed it over to him because he would get upset with me when I would share it with him. I don't argue or complain about how he spends money. I just think having a plan is a good idea and he agrees.

Usually these are issues I have brought up in the past and he has said he will make a change but doesn't follow through.
Usually we both end up feeling terrible because I can't seem to just state the problem. I get emotional and dramatic and the whole thing ends up very disrespectful even though I try hard not to let it be.
I don't know if this really fits under DD but thought it wouldn't hurt to ask.
Can you suggest a way for me to handle times like this better?

Clint said...

@Learning To Iron - I don't know if you're asking me this question or my wife, who is the author if this particular post. But, I'll go ahead and offer my two cents.

To be honest with you, it sounds to me as though you've handled this situation very well (aside from it escalating into disrespect, which I know you don't want to do). If he hasn't followed through, I'd recommend respectfully approaching him and giving him a reminder of sorts. Something like, "Hey honey - remember when we discussed having a budget for certain things, and remember how we both agreed it was in the best interest of our family to do so? Well, I still think that's a good idea, but I also think we both need to do a better job of making that a regular part of our marriage. Don't you think so?"

Going about it like this should help him to not feel "attacked" (for lack of a better term) which could trigger a defensive response from him. When you use terms like "we" and "both of us", it'll make him feel as though you're in this together WITH him, since you are. He won't feel so singled out, and I'd imagine he'd be more receptive to the reminder if you approach him this way. Also, when you ask for his opinion ("Don't you think so?"), he'll still feel "in charge" of things, and I'd imagine the conversation will go much more smoothly.

I'll ask my wife to help you as well. Her perspective may be better than mine. I hope everything works out for you both. Good luck!

-- Clint

Learning To Iron said...

Thank you Clint. I will work on saying "we" and "us" and remember to say, "Don't yo think so?" Im going to write it down so I will have it to refer to the next time. Maybe if I have some good phrases to use and can just stop talking after I have finished what I need to say, things will go better. It helps a lot to hear that I got at least part of it right.

If your wife is willing to share her advice, I will be very grateful.

We are getting off to a really slow start witht this DD. But we are making progress!!

I do have a request for a post idea. It might be helpful to men like my husband to have a post for reluctant husbands. It could include advice like your suggestion to desensetize themselves to spanking and other baby steps to start out with. We did do a type of mini boot camp. It just involved having him tell me to do things for him for a whole day. It was fun for him and helped him to see that I would respond positiviely. I think he will be willing to do that again and step it up a notch with the writing assignments. he read those from your book and found them interesting.
Thanks again for all of your thoughtful advice.

Anonymous said...

Hi Chelsea,
I have a situation and I dont know what to do. I understand that the HOH knows best and looks out for the best interest of the household. I trust my partner to make the big decisions. But what if he is ready to have a baby and I am not? He thinks that it is the perfect time, but I honestly dont think im ready for that responsibility. Should I trust that he knows best and respect his wishes? Or should I follow my instict? Thanks for listening!!

Chelsea said...

@ Anonymous: Having a child and becoming a parent is a huge, life changing decision and is one that you and your husband need to make together. If you don't think that you are ready to handle the responsibilities of parenting then don't be forced into it (that's like the worst thing you can do). Explain to your husband the reasons that you want to wait, and follow your instincts. You'll know then the time is right.

-Chelsea

Anonymous said...

My husband likes to "save up" all his comments until maintenance day. I find this to be a bit confusing as I often do not even remember when I did what he brings up. I've told him that to correct either verbally or physically at the time of the infraction would be more beneficial to me but he continues to do the weekly, fairly easy spanking. I do not want to nag about it but I feel like maintenance is just that and that correction should be at least the same day. What more can I respectfully say? I'm not sure if this is a Clint or Chelsea question, I welcome either/both

Clint said...

@Anonymous (March 10th 3:12 PM) - I agree with you and you are correct in saying the discipline spanking for any given infraction should be done as soon as possible after the infraction to get the best results. That's a fundamental principle in behavior analysis/correction.

In your situation, I don't see why you would have motivation to follow the rules. If you get maintenance the same way at the same time each week, I imagine that sends a terrible and confusing message to you. A message of, "If I'm getting spanked anyway, may as well do whatever I want.." Correcting this is the husband's responsibility, naturally. I know YOU know this already, but I'm including it in my answer to you so others reading it can understand why a simple maintenance spanking each week is going to cause more harm than good.

Anyway, to answer your question, I would let him know what you're feeling first and foremost. Talk to him as though he just asked you, "How does the current way we spank make you feel?", even if he doesn't ask you that question. He needs to know how he currently spanks confuses you, makes you feel as though issues are left unresolved, and gives you no real motivation to follow the rules. The more respectful you convey that message to him, the better. Let him know you're just trying to do your part in the DD relationship by giving him constructive feedback in an effort to help the marriage as much as possible.

I hope this helps. As with a lot of issues in a DD relationship, it starts with communication to work towards a solution. A positive, respectful, calm and mature dialogue between the two of you is the best way to make the issue known, and the best way to brainstorm a plan between the two of you on how to address the issue and get it fixed. I certainly wish you the very best of luck.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

My younger brother and his wife are going through a very difficult period. They have just had a second child who is developmentally handicapped. My sister-in-law, in particular, is having a hard time with the situation. She has a very controlling personality and is uncomfortable with uncertainty. She also carries a great deal of internally-generated stress which she attempts to relieve with exercise. (Yes, she is in great shape).

I do not mean to imply that my brother is blameless. He and are the sons of a very "difficult" woman. I think that in choosing his wife, my brother was subconsciously following a pre-existing idea of what marriage should be.

Interestingly, my own first long-term relationship was also with a "difficult" woman - "Difficult" to the point of being mentally ill. Carrying on with the theme, my paternal grandmother suffered from mental illness. My father decided at a young age that the best way to cope with female tantrums was to batten down the hatches and wait for the storm to blow over. It was an unhealthy attitude that he passed on to both my brother and me.

My brother and his wife fight constantly. She is frequently critical of him and he, for his part, is no stranger to the hurtful remark. If they were childless, they would probably divorce but two kids and many financial constraints have tied them together in a marital hell.

I think much of the reason for my sister-in-law’s nagging has to do with the fact that my brother is not giving her the structure she needs. When they got married, she took his name, something she did not do in her first marriage. To me, that is a sign that she is looking for a strong hand on the tiller.


I plan to visit them later this month and suggest they consider trying out an LDD relationship. I think it would benefit my sister-in-law to have more structure and certainty in her life and that she might learn to relax if she allowed by brother to assume the burdens of being the HOH. I also think that being physically disciplined would provide a catharsis for her internal stresses.

My brother, for his part, would feel like more of a man and would enjoy a calmer home life.

I should note that both my brother and his wife are very capable professionals. I have no doubt my brother could handle being HOH if his wife would let him.

I know that sticking my nose into their affairs could get me into serious trouble but that is a risk I am willing to take. Unless something changes, they are headed for catastrophe.

Do anyone have any thoughts they can share with me? If my brother and his wife decide to try the LDD lifestyle, how long should the trial period be? Should they have a written contract? If so, can you refer me to any examples? Can you recommend any reading material? Are there supports groups or counselors who could help them get started on LDD? They live in Florida, just north of Tampa.



Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (March 13th 2:24 AM) - It certainly sounds like your brother and his wife could use a little help. I applaud you for looking for ways to help them, even if "sticking your nose into their affairs could get [you] into serious trouble." Clearly this isn't easy for you, so I commend you for having the courage to make a difference.

While I do feel DD could be beneficial to this couple eventually, I'd recommend they seek the counsel of a professional marriage counselor in the Tampa area first before starting this lifestyle.

I get the impression there are deeper issues here. While DD really enhances a relationship and corrects behaviors, DD doesn't solve everything. It will help down the line, but there needs to be some sort of stability in their marriage before they incorporate DD into it. One MAJOR aspect of DD is communication, and if they can't do that from the start, things could backfire. They need to agree to practice a DD lifestyle consensually, they both need to be on the same page going into it, and they need to commit to it.

It's difficult to give a recommended "trial period" length since this couple is in a bad place right now. If they want to give DD a chance (after the relationship is stabilized first), it probably wouldn't hurt to give DD a chance for a solid 3 months or so, then after that 3 months re-evaluate the situation and determine if it's A) beneficial to them both, and B) something they want to continue on with beyond that point.

Again, before looking into support groups and counselors that support DD, I'd look into finding them a marriage counselor before introducing them to the DD lifestyle.

I hope everything works out ok for your brother, his wife, their marriage, and for yourself. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in this unfortunate situation.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

i am in CDD marriage also an my husband spanks me when he feels i am in need of it all myspankings are bare bottom of course i do not have choice as to what he use position or how bad my spankings are
all them are for dicipline/punishment
our marriagewas not great an we got into CDD with the love of the Lord to lead us on this path we both agreed that i should an i wanted to be total submissive to my husband the long painful trip in years of started into the CDD was well worth every smac every bruisedbottom i had recieved

Anonymous said...

I would like to give this a try. So, How can I get my wife on board with practicing Domestic Discipline? She is a typical first born who always wants to be in control.

Anonymous said...

After a harder than usual paddling, I told my husband that there were times when I thought he should be on the receiving end of the paddle too. Unfortunately, he does not share my opinion. He told me, in all instances, he is in charge. He decides on punishment, where, when and how. He said that he wears the pants, and my pants come off during a spanking.

 
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