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Friday, April 15, 2011

The Art of the Lecture

 
Image courtesy of visualphotos.com.
  We cover what lecturing means when living the domestic discipline lifestyle and offer tips, recommendations, and suggestions on how to do so on our new website.  You can now find this article by clicking here.

56 comments:

Rogue said...

My husband is more into spanking than lecturing. I think he feels a bit out of his element with that part. I like your blog and will be sure to make sure he sees it!

Clint said...

@Rogue - Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. The lecture part isn't easy to do, and certainly isn't fun (particularly for the wife), but it really is an important part of the entire process to get a behavior corrected long term.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Are there alternatives to spanking, bedroom time, and corner time? For example, why not take away her phone privileges?

My fiance and I have moved into a relationship that is a combination of taken in hand and domestic discipline...somewhere in the middle. We would appreciate your advice on matters related to punishment.

Clint said...

@Anonymous - Yes, there are additional forms of punishment. Removing privileges is one I plan on doing an entry about. I typically don't recommend the phone be taken away since the phone is such an important device. It's important to always have the ability to communicate with your spouse no matter what, and the phone obviously aids in that. Taking things away like credit/debit cards, TV privileges, computer privileges, driving privileges, "hanging out with friends" privileges, and things of that nature are all acceptable to me. The phone is too, but only in the rarest of rare circumstances do I recommend the phone be taken away.

Other punishments I plan on discussing are groundings/restrictions (essentially taking away numerous privileges at once), early bedtime, chores, and soap/hot sauce in the mouth. I'll get into how to punish while traveling (like in a hotel) as well, which is a little different and can be tricky sometimes. The punishments I've discussed to this point are only the tip of the iceberg. I'll get to the others soon.

-- Clint

Dan said...

I find this a quite thoughtful sight with some good information on a challenging subject. However, I would suggest that domestic discipline practices may properly vary from couple to couple because couples may be very different from one another. I think the lecture emphasis discussed here is most appropriate for one type of relationship: the serious-responsible-articulate husband married to a somewhat ditsy or immature or shortsighted wife. However, I would suggest that there are many other types of marriages in which the wife is articulate (quite possibly more articulate than the husband) or in which the wife takes better care of herself than her husband takes of himself or in which the wife is far less reckless than the husband. In these latter types of relationships, I wonder if the lecture is really so valuable or helpful. I think that a husband such as the one referenced in the first comment is more into spanking than lecturing may well be doing the right thing for his wife. When the wife knows that she has done something wrong and has agreed in advance to be subject to sanctions for doing that action, can't it be better to move on to the sanction?

Clint said...

@Dan - Thank you for the nice words about the site. I appreciate that.

I agree that every relationship is different, and every couple is different. I've emphasized that very point all over the blog. Or at least I've tried to.

Lecturing isn't about talking down to your wife, belittling, or acting as a "father" to her - it's about helping her understand the problem with the behavior in an effort to get it fixed. I don't think it matters at all what type of marriage you're in. Communicating concern over your spouse's unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental behavior should be openly discussed in any marriage, regardless of the marriage dynamic. I think discussions - or lectures - done in the manner I've described on the blog would be appropriate for any type of relationship/marriage.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I like what you say but my husband is not the proper lecturer. I wish for him to read this and get a better understanding cause he just makes me mad. I'm the more neurotic not texting while I drive, or drive to fast with the kids just me. When he is drving I'm constantly asking for him not to do that he's giving the kids a bad example. He makes me nervous when he drives but I prefer he be the driver. I don't want to be the nag but feel like I am. I constantly am on edge and grabbing his leg to "watch out", I've even saved us from having and accident a time or two which he says he appreciates at times but than gets annoyed at other times. We both were never like this in the beginning. How as the wife am I suppose to let go with this if he's the cause? I've spoken to him how I feel about it. I would love to let it go but he thinks it's hilarious sometimes. Oh and so you know I asked for this lifestyle but he has such a humorous character (that I love) but sometimes just can't get serious about.

Clint said...

@Anonymous - I certainly understand your concern if your husband is texting while driving. And while I appreciate a sense of humor myself, I definitely don't think texting while driving is funny. I feel it's okay to joke and make light of certain situations, but texting while driving isn't one of them. Just my personal opinion.

I also wouldn't let this go. It's important your husband understands the dangers of texting while driving, and I wouldn't stop bothering him about it until he stops. A suggestion I would make in a situation like this is just asking your husband for his phone while he's driving. You can hold it in the passenger seat, and that way he still has it close but isn't tempted by it while driving. Then give it back to him when you get to your destination. Just make sure you express your concerns with this clearly so he knows you care and are nervous about him hurting himself, you, your children (if you have them), and/or other innocent people on the road.

Hope this helps.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

M y wife wont talk to me at all during the lecture wont even respond? do i punish her for that

Clint said...

@Anonymous - Not necessarily. I recommend leaving your wife alone in the bedroom (as in bedroom time), which can be construed as a punishment I suppose, until she's ready to discuss what happened. When she's ready to talk, then proceed with the lecture.

-- Clint

Christina said...

I really like the picture you chose for this subject. Does it not just encompass everything loving about a lecture between a committed couple??

Clint said...

@Christina - That's exactly what I was trying to convey with this particular picture. I thought it was perfect too. You'd probably be surprised at how much time I spend trying to find the perfect picture for my blog entries. It takes me quite some time, that's for sure. Thanks for appreciating it, and thanks for your comment. :)

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

If she owned up to the mistake, came to you and told you about it before you found out another way, would you still punish her for the original mistake or would the honesty of her approach mitigate that? On the opposite side, if she hid it from you, would you punish twice - once for the original issue and once for hiding it from you? Would you give the same punishment twice or alter it somehow? This is something I'm facing right now - know about something that happened but haven't confronted her yet - want to see if she'll come to me first and tell me what happened. Thank you for your time in answering.

Anonymous said...

P.S I didn't know what article to ask these questions on so did it here since this was what I was reading. I hope that's alright...

Clint said...

@Anonymous - No problem about which entry you comment on. I'll see it wherever you post it.

If she came forth with the mistake, yes I would still punish HOWEVER I would do so in a much lighter fashion. For example, if she went on a $200 shopping spree without me agreeing to it from the start and didn't tell me, that's something I would spank for. If she came clean, was remorseful, and it didn't cause bigger problems (overdraft the account, make it so we couldn't pay an important bill, etc.) I would either A) lighten the spanking quite a bit, or B) use some other form of punishment like removing her credit/debit card privileges for a couple of weeks, or not let her go out with friends for a couple of weeks, or something along those lines.

On the opposite side, if she hid something like this with the intention of never telling me, yes I would punish twice. Once for the act itself, and a second time for withholding information/lying about it. In the example I used above, I would likely spank for the spending, and "ground" her for two weeks on top of that as a second punishment. I may even spank twice if she handled herself even WORSE once I found out. A lot of how a punishment is handled has to do with how your wife conducts herself through the whole process.

Hope this helps and best of luck to you.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Recently my wife has an issue with telling the truth, she'll either lie outright to my face if I ask her about it or tell half truths. I've spanked her 3 times for this, each time harder and with a diffent impplement. I've talked to her about it and she tells me she's sorry each time. what do I do? This started really about 3 months ago. When talk about it, she'll say nothing has happened 3 months ago to start and what's the big deal with white lies anyway but its a big deal. Would it be too much to have a punishment period where she's spanked every night for a week or so?

Clint said...

@Anonymous - I agree with you. Lying is a big deal. I don't blame you for being upset about this.

I would first recommend you spank as you're doing now for the lying, and I would add a second punishment to the spanking. For instance, you could remove a privilege for a few days, or you could have her do an hour of bedroom time in addition to the spanking each time she lies.

Spanking every night for a week isn't something I typically recommend UNLESS it's a last resort effort to get the problem fixed. Spanking every other night for a week I feel wold be more fair, but this is ultimately up to you. If you do decide to spank each night for a week, make sure you are understanding of her pain and discomfort throughout the week. That's a lot for a person to go through.

Best of luck!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the advice - I really appreciate it. One way or the other I'm going to get to the bottom of what is going on because not putting up with lying.

kiwigirliegirl said...

I like this post, thank you for sharing and giving your advice. My husband kind of tells me off before a punishment, but usually during and I dont often "hear" him as im kind of focused elsewhere at the time - Im sure you know what i mean.
He does tell me off at times as a punishment so he knows well how to do it. I think he just gets preoccupied with the punishment itself.
Something else to work on.
Thanks

Clint said...

@kiwigirliegirl - Thank you, and you're welcome. I know exactly what you mean. Most times wives aren't focused on what the husband is saying DURING the spanking itself. I've always found that to be pointless.

I'm glad you enjoyed the post and I hope you find it helpful within your marriage.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Clint,

I have a question - I apologize if this has been asked already, but I was just wondering what you would do if your wife truly disagreed that she deserved punishment?

An example is that my wife is constantly looking at herself in the mirror and criticizing certain aspects of her body. One day, I was fed up and gave her a lecture about how her self criticism was a problem. She insisted that it was not. No amount of lecturing or any other punishment would convince her that I was right. I even spanked her once, but I knew that she disagreed with what I was saying and began to feel resentful that I was punishing her for something she didn't believe was a problem.

One of the appeals I kept making to her was that this was sending a negative message to our children. She insisted that she only did this in private, and that she would never call her children fat or ugly (and certainly she never would). One day she walked by my 5 year-old daughter's room and saw our little looking in the mirror and criticizing herself the way her mother did. That was when she realized what she was doing was destructive, but it had already gone too far.

In this situation my wife finally realized I was right, but I was wondering what you would recommend when despite valid arguments you cannot convince your wife that she is doing something wrong.

Thanks.

Love the blog.

-Mark

Clint said...

@Mark - This certainly is a tough situation, and there really is only one recommendation I can give in a situation like this.

What I would recommend is that you talk with your wife about the problem as you did before, only this time have her list the reasons why she feels the behavior is appropriate/not a problem. After each reason she gives, give your point of view and your reasons why you DO feel it's a problem. It's all about communication, compromise and trust. Sometimes when people hear their thoughts behind their actions, they realize their thought process isn't a good one, or they can't find an explanation for their actions. It happens to the best of us. This may help her realize her actions really ARE a problem, and also, after hearing your point of view she may realize you make a very good point and can accept your concerns as valid ones. I'm not saying this will change her mind, but in any instance where there is a disagreement, the spouses need to discuss it and hear each other out to make the best overall decision for the greater good of the family and marriage.

Now that your wife has seen that her critical actions upon herself have trickled down into your children as you expressed to her you felt they would, AND has realized that you were right, you now have an angle of approach if something like this comes up in the future. "Honey, remember when we had a disagreement like this about how your self-criticism was effecting our kids, and how you thought it wasn't but then realized later that it was? It was too late at that point, and I don't want this to be too late again. We need to get the problem fixed BEFORE it becomes an even bigger problem that effects our kids." I hope that came out clear. It makes sense in my head, so I hope I did a good job of explaining it here.

Anyway, I ramble a lot but that's what I would recommend doing in a situation like this. I'm glad you're enjoying the blog. Thank you so much for reading. Best of luck to you, Mark.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Fuck out of here. This is bunch of bull shit. Karma is a bitch.

Anonymous said...

And profanity shows a lack of intelligent vocabulary! Shoo..

Clint said...

@Anonymous (September 18th 4:27 PM) - I'm sorry you feel that way. All the best to you and your family.

@Anonymous (September 18th 5:30 PM) - You knew it was coming sooner or later. Only a matter of time. There's one in every crowd.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hello!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We've never talked about DD but we've kind of gone around the subject. He has grounded me before, he has spanked me once and threatened to do it again, I know I have to ask him to do almost everything, but the topic of DD has never been a full out conversation. I want to talk about it for a lot of reasons, but especially so that there is more structure in our relationship. How can I bring it up?

April

Anonymous said...

what if my wife doesnt want to admit she is wrong?

Anonymous said...

Clint,

I have enjoyed many aspects of your site, but although we do practice DD, I don't believe it's "necessary" because I'm a woman. I have an active career and am the bread winner of the family. I am perfectly capable of making independent choices for myself, and quite responsibly. I have asked my Hoh to enagage in this to help me with some issues and to help him feel more in charge and increase his sense of personal power.

That being said, the example of your lecture above would drive me insane! I am not a child nor do I "need" him to help me see the error of my ways in most situations. The lecture feels condensending (while the picture does not). My Hoh is struggling with the lecture portion on some levels, but I fear to show him this one because I'd probably laugh myself silly and get in trouble for that! Any advice on how to use your basic idea but tone it down?

thank you for any feedback. This is not an intentional critism but rather a "case specific" question.

SWL1 said...

I tend to agree that DD is necessarily a rather individualised experienced whose dynamic depends very much on the personalities, needs and aims of the individuals involved. While some women might happily accept and benefit from a stronger and more 'patriarchal' approach, in other cases there is a comfortable level of equality in most areas of the relationship and it is only in selected situations that the power balance needs to swing in the direct of the HoH.

Having said that, I once knew an HoH who excelled in the art of asking *gentle* questions in such a way that it was his wife who found herself finding reasons why she needed to be disciplined for infractions that she had perceived as unimportant just a short time before.

Anonymous said...

From November 18th Anonymous: That makes perfect sense. And I also noted that in a previous comment, someone mentioned the strong responsible husband vs ditzy or irresponsible wife. That isn't the case with us and I'm quite articulate and capable. SWL1's descriptions mesh up much better with our relationship, so I think I would find the above lecture condescending, as it feels geared to a child. But I DO respond better when he talks to me a bit rather than going right into a punishment. We just need to find the middle ground.

Clint said...

@April - Hello there, April. The problem you mention is a common one, and it's a common question I get asked. It's not easy to bring up DD to your significant other. I certainly understand that. I wrote a post called, "Getting the Husband on Board With Domestic Discipline" on this blog, and I would suggest you read it over and see if it will help your situation. Every situation is different, but I feel that is a good place to start. Good luck!

@Anonymous (November 16th 7:01 PM) - It's not necessarily about who's right and who's wrong when dealing with an issue in a lecturing situation. It's more about communicating concerns and addressing them constructively for the best possible overall outcome. I'm sure your wife feels she has a point she wants you to see/acknowledge, and ultimately discuss with her. I encourage you to hear her out and listen to her perspective on the issue at hand and discuss it with her, rather than simply discarding her opinion outright because you think she's "wrong." Regardless of who feels they're right in a discussion, it's best to see things from both perspectives and discuss a course of action in achieving the best possible results going forward.

If she's flat out being stubborn about a discussion and refuses to proceed in a constructive way, I'd recommend bedroom time as a punishment until she's ready to discuss the matter like adults. That goes both ways, however. There's no reason to be stubborn in a discussion, so if you or your spouse need some time to relax, "cool down", etc. before you can carry on an adult conversation, then by all means take the necessary time to do so. Both spouses need to be calm, reasonable and rational for a conversation to yield positive results. Good luck with your future communication situations with your spouse.

All the best.

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 18th 10:29 AM) and Anonymous (November 19th 2:47 PM) - I said it in the post, but I'll say it again here - the mock conversation in the post is an example and is intended to illustrate the important aspects of a lecture. Not every marriage needs to conduct lectures in this manner, of course. A couple should always do what's best for their marriage. I felt the way I wrote the conversation was the best way to illustrate those aspects as quickly as I could, but perhaps I didn't do a good job of it. It's not meant to insult anyone's intelligence, or to be offensive in any way. Regardless, I understand how the example conversation comes across as condescending and/or childish. It does, but it also illustrates the important points of the lecture which was the overall goal of the post.

Near the bottom of the post I wrote the following: "It doesn't always have to be a 10-15 minute lecture, it just needs to be long enough that you get those two responses and realizations from her: 1) Why it's a problem and 2) What her punishment is going to be. It's also important that the husband give her the correct way to handle the situation in the future at some point in the lecture."

If these things are accomplished within the lecture, regardless of how the lecture is conducted, then that would make the lecture a successful one. It illustrates that the wife actually thought about the problem and WHY it's a problem, and ensures she understands her punishment. I highly recommend all of these things be covered in the lecture SOMEHOW to achieve the best long-term results. Every marriage will achieve these things within the lecture differently, naturally, so how those things are accomplished should be determined by the HoH.

I don't know if that answer was helpful to you both or not, but how you and your husband communicate with one another is entirely your choice. I can give recommendations as I've done in the post, but ultimately you and your spouse have to communicate in a way that's best for you both, and for your marriages.

Good luck, and I wish nothing but the very best for you both.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Actually she is being stubborn because when i ask her to tell me why she isnt wrong she says she doesnt deserve it. When i ask her why she just has nothing to say. I tried what you suggested. She started crying but after sometime she understood her mistake.

Thank you. Your blog has been great for us since we are just starting.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 26th 3:30 AM) - If she has nothing to say when you ask her why she feels she doesn't deserve the punishment, then I agree with you - it sounds like she's trying to get out of the punishment. I hope everything works out for you and I'm happy to hear you find the blog helpful.

All the best.

-- Clint

princess said...

Hi Clint
Thankyou for this amazing and really wholesome site, this is my third posting on here and I keep coming back to read the comments,advise etc. It is very imformative, it is also very sound and I love the posts about the male perspective - this one about lecturing surprised my husband and I, we had read that in DD the wife should be himiliated, which we both disagree with. My husband wants to incoperate this into our marrige, because he feels that it helps the wife to aknowledge her mistakes, and it is a good way to keep the intimacey and privacy of DD which is so special and precious. :)

Anonymous said...

I like the way it seems you are lecturing your wife.
My husband scolds me like a little girl and then he can not understand why I just accept it and is happy about it. He wants to do the DD thing his way and even though i have asked him to read about it he gets upset and he thinks i am saying he is not doing it right and then he calls it all off. That really upstes me.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (February 5th 8:57 AM) - Have you discussed how this upsets you with your husband? I understand you asked him to read about it, but perhaps a healthy adult conversation with him will let him know how serious of a problem this is for you, and in turn will help him understand that he may want to consider re-evaluating the way lecturing is done between you two. This is just a suggestion of course, but if the lecture is doing nothing to change your mindset or "get you thinking" before you act in any given situation, then it won't do much good long term in changing the behavior.

I hope you both can discuss this and find what will work for you as you continue on in the lifestyle. I certainly wish you the very best of luck.

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Princess - I'm so glad to hear you enjoy the site! It's nice to know the blog is appreciated and the readers benefit in some fashion from it.

Deliberate humiliation is something I definitely do not recommend in a DD marriage. It can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and feeling unloved or unwanted, which in turn can lead to some self-destructive behaviors down the road. I feel it's best for the husband to take all necessary precautions NOT to humiliate the wife in any given situation, and both spouses should communicate with one another to shape and mold the way punishments are carried out within their marriage in a way that will yield the best overall outcome and results for them.

Working together is one of many key factors in any marriage, not just a DD one. I'm glad this particular post helped you two, and I wish you both much success in the future.

Thank you once again for your kind words. All the best to you.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hello, this may sound silly

But, my friends recently opened up to me about their "DD" experience. I wanted to say that is website is extremely helpful and has definitely given me a lot of knowledge on the subject. However, I still have questions...

I know that this has to cater to the relationship of the participants, but my question is, are the females the only one who receives discipline? I really am ignorant about this topic. I have been with my boyfriend for three years and have had trauma in my life, so I am not sure that this would ever be fitting for our lives, at least any physical aspect to it. But, I have known people who have mentioned this has helped the relationships significantly. So I really appreciate all the time and effort put into this.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (February 14th 10:18 PM) - I don't think your comment or question is silly at all. It's a great question, and I appreciate you taking the time to post it.

Generally speaking, the husband does not receive physical punishment in a DD relationship, although that isn't ALWAYS the case. Some couples prefer the Spencer Plan relationship dynamic (both spouses punish each other), and others prefer a FLR (Female Led Relationship) where the woman is the head of the household. There are many ways to go about a DD relationship, but the intents and purposes of this particular blog are for a relationship where the man is the sole disciplinarian, the provider, the decision maker, and the leader of the home.

My wife wrote a post on this blog about "what if my husband breaks a rule?" that I encourage you to read. A lot of women struggle with that aspect of a DD marriage, and my wife's post is all about addressing those concerns. She also talks about the Spencer Plan if you want to look more into that.

I've talked to and counseled hundreds of DD couples. I can honestly say I've never had ONE couple come back to me and tell me DD wasn't beneficial to their relationship in some form. I understand you come from a rough background, but I can say without any hesitation whatsoever that DD would be beneficial to your relationship. I stand behind that statement 100%.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best of luck going forward. Please don't hesitate to ask questions if you have them. I'm always happy to help in any way I can.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hi there first of all I have found this site really interesting and considering putting the suggestion forward to my husband . I am actually in a mixed culture relationship so it may be a little different . Him being Muslim we have a strong relationship and have so for 3 yrs. we already have a certain amount of discipline in place which comes natural really cos of his culture . The problem is he doesn't like physical contact for punishment he has a tendency to not speak with me for a day or two The problem is I don't always know straight away what I have done wrong. It would be helpful if u could suggest away to change his way of thinking I really do not like being ignored and that he feels is most appropriate as I do not like it I do appreciate your site very much n hope u can b of assistance .

Clint said...

@Anonymous (February 15th 6:53 AM) - I commend you for having the courage to approach your husband about this lifestyle. It's not an easy thing to do, and I give you a lot of credit in doing so.

Let me also say that I feel this lifestyle would help with the communication between you two. One of the benefits of this lifestyle is addressing marital problems right away, so a couple doesn't have to deal with anger, frustration, resentment, or anything of the sort for days at a time. Matters are addressed right away, and the issues can quickly be put behind a couple so you both can more forward more constructively, and with more happiness. Things like you described (not speaking to you for days, not knowing what you have done wrong, etc.) don't typically happen in a DD marriage.

I've written a post on how to get the husband on board with Domestic Discipline. You can read it by copying and pasting this link into your web browser:

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html

I encourage you to read it. It offers ways to approach your husband respectfully and discuss incorporating this lifestyle in your marriage.

I hope this helps you out and I certainly wish you the very best of luck in getting your husband to agree to a DD lifestyle. You won't regret it if it becomes a part of your marriage.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement I will definitely have a read and try and address the matter as we do love each other very much and I feel this way may bring us even closer . Once again thank you very much

Anonymous said...

Clint-
What would you do or should you do in the event that the wife throws a tantrum of sorts? Crying, pleading not to spank her, pulling away, hysterical?

Clint said...

@Anonymous (May 23rd 7:07 PM) - What you're describing sounds like she's scared of the spanking more than simply being difficult. If she's scared of the spanking, I would recommend you calm her down by reassuring her, holding her, hugging/kissing her, and generally being a calming influence for her. Just be there for her because she's scared. Once she calms down, then carry on with the spanking.

If she's "throwing a tantrum" simply to be difficult or defiant, then I'd recommend bedroom time until she regains her composure and is ready and willing to handle the situation like an adult. Once she calms down during bedroom time, then proceed with the spanking like normal.

It honestly sounds like she's scared though. So I would comfort her and do all you can to help her feel better and more comfortable with the spanking process. Let her know you'll be there for her, and that you're in complete control of yourself, and you plan on comforting her after the spanking is over with.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I am just exploring so far. I think this would improve our relationship. But honestly I do not think my s/o has the verbal and reasoning skills to pull off a reasoned lecture.

I find myself being disrespectful and irritated because a lot of his arguments/positions are so flawed in reason. We often fight over politics and it is obvious that he does not have any foundation in his positions and this is based on his belief that by him saying that most problems in the world would be solved by her just shutting her legs until she is married. While I agree that many problems might be avoided if people did not have unplanned or unwanted children out of wedlock I fail to see that his thinking that him making that statement solves any problems.

I believe I think I am smarter than him or at least I put a lot more effort into researching and understanding most things other than football and building an engine.

Can this possibly work when the wife is (or at least thinks she is)smarter than the husband?

I want to submit and obey and I do need correction for some bad behavior but I do not think I can trust enough to give someone that authority over me when I do not think they work hard enough to hone their decision making abilities.

Anonymous said...

My HOH will explain to me why he is doing the punishment, then tell me the duration of the punishment.

After the punishment is when he asks me if I understand why he delivered the punishment and if I think I have learned from it. Reminding me that if I do it again in the near future the punishment will be worse and he will also take away privelages so that I can really think about what I did wrong.

Is it ok that he does it this way or should he do all this first as you suggest?

Paula

Cat said...

@Anon June 17 5:41pm – I applaud the fact that you are seeking to improve your relationship with DD but in my opinion, you need to improve your relationship before bringing DD into the picture. You indicated that you don’t think you can trust your s/o enough to be accountable to him, and the tone of your entire comment is again, in my opinion, disrespectful to him.

Just as with building a home, the foundation must be strong and solid prior to building the walls, adding the roof, etc. With DD, the “foundation” is love, trust, and respect, the walls are honesty, the windows are accountability, and the roof is open communication by both parties.

You asked “Can this possibly work when the wife is (or at least thinks she is) smarter than the husband?” Think of the distrust and disrespect this question implies.

Until you can answer “yes” to the following questions, I think you are better off leaving DD out of the relationship and seeking help through marriage counseling.

Can you consent to a relationship where…
1.your s/o is the head of the household and when there are decisions to be made, you discuss the issue respectfully and if you cannot agree, he makes the final decision which you accept?
2.you both agree to the rules but the decision for punishment (how, when, where) is his?
3.if he feels a rule is important and you don’t, you follow it anyway?

I wish you all the best in your future.

Cat said...

@Paula June 18 1:12pm – If the way your HoH disciplines is working for you and you are simply questioning based on Clint’s post above, then I would suggest you leave things as they are. No two relationships (DD or non-DD) will ever be the same as each is “tailored” to the needs of the couple involved. As the old saying goes “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

If, however, you have an issue with how your HoH is handling the punishment (you feel you need longer lecture, more discussion prior to punishment, etc), then I urge you to respectfully discuss this with him. I'm sure he will want to hear them in order to take your feelings, suggestions, needs, etc. into account. Just remember that in the end, the final decision is his to make and yours to accept.

Wishing the best to you and your HoH in your journey.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (June 17th 5:41 PM) - Differences in opinion happen frequently in a marriage, but I don't think it's appropriate to, in a round about way, insult the intelligence of your husband. You may feel as though you are right in a discussion and he may feel as though HE is right in a discussion - that doesn't mean either one of you lack intelligence. You just have a difference of opinion. That happens all the time in a marriage.

A DD marriage isn't necessarily about that anyway. It's about giving your husband the authority in the home and following his lead and supporting his decisions. There are many times in a DD marriage where the wife will disagree with her husband's decision, or think that his decision wasn't the smartest choice, but as his wife it's about supporting him and his decisions no matter what the outcome may be.

If that isn't something you feel you can do, then I would not recommend DD for your marriage. Both of you cannot be the HoH simultaneously. You'll knock heads even more than you do now if that were the case. One leads, the other follows. In a traditional DD marriage the husband leads, the wife follows. That's how it works.

I don't think DD is for your marriage if you honestly feel the way you do. There has to be more respect for one another before DD should be considered.

Good luck to you.

@Paula - The dynamic you've described sounds similar to what I call "reverse lecturing", which I've written about on the blog. You can find it by following this link:

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/04/reverse-lecturing.html

I don't have any problems with the way the dynamic is working in your marriage, but it really isn't for me to decide. That's just my opinion, since you asked for it. If that is your husbands choice and it's working for you both, then I say go with it. :)

All the best to you, Paula.

@Cat - You offered very good advice to both commenters and I appreciate you doing so. Thank you.

All the best to you, Cat.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Thank you Cat and Clint.

I did say in my second paragraph that I find myself to be disrespectful. I AM disrespectful and insulting. This is one of the things I hoped DD might help with. I don't want him to tolerate my disrespect and I do need to adjust that bad quality in myself- which i thought DD could help with. You both gave me a lot to think about and thanks.

From: Anonymous (June 17th 5:41 PM)

Clint said...

@Anonymous (June 24th 4:23 PM) - You're most welcome. I'm always happy to help. Yes, I do feel DD would help with the disrespect issue you openly admit you struggle with. DD addresses things like that and helps a marriage get on a healthy track. If done correctly, I think DD would greatly help your relationship.

Good luck to you.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous (June 24th 4:23 PM): My idea to your situation: MAYBE you could even experience that your partner makes more efforts to understand different positions in discussions as soon as he is in the role of HOH. Actually, if you are the one who is generally better informed and who is smarter in presenting her arguments, he might not see any reason for really discussing with you. Why? Well, he has the impression that he has no "chance" in your discussions, anyway (even if YOU discuss just for exchanging points of view without any intention to "win").

However, I can imagine how boring and frustrating a discussion could be if your partner always offers ONE argument/opinion only and is never open to new views. If your partner IS like that and you decide for a DD relationship, then you run the risk that he makes one-sided resolutions without really listening to your insight. OR - as I expressed above - he MAY eventually recognize the necessity of being better informed, of proper reasoning and of weighing different viewpoints - in order to act responsibly as HoH. So, by your submission to him he MAY see his responsiblities which would then enhance your trust and your respect for him... Both can happen, but I think you need a sufficient portion of trust (towards your partner, his intelligence and his abilities) from the very beginning if you want to realize DD in your relationship. (I assume you felt attracted to other features of his personality when choosing your partner and back then, you just accepted his poor reasoning abilities... ;) )

@Clint: Thank you for your thought-provoking blog and this particular post. I learn a lot from your explanations! The kind of lecture you propose seems helpful and comprehensible to me. Like other ladies, I just don't like the "driving and texting" example. Why should anyone, male or female, not be aware of the dangers of being inattentive while driving? But maybe I am such a cautious person that I just can't imagine what other people do during driving. ;) Texting while driving? I really wonder how anyone could manage that without an accident!!

That said, I am very surprised by the assumption that faulty behaviour results from "acting without thinking" only. While I agree that this may happen during an argument (especially disrespectful utterances and actions), I wouldn't extend this statement to everyday situations, decisions and actions. Things "happen" ALTHOUGH you THINK about them... Just take my "activities" today... I found your blog and instead of accomplishing an important task, I continued reading and reading. Believe me, I THOUGHT about my wrong "decision" continually - and particularly when I watched the clock. Now I have to head off to another task without having achieved anything regarding my important task... I am a mature woman but unfortunately, I very easily get addicted to blogs and forums... :(

Sorry for my ramblings.
Best wishes
Tamira




Clint said...

@Tamira - You're most welcome. Perhaps the texting while driving example isn't for everyone, but at the time I wrote the post, I felt it worked well with what I wanted to illustrate. And yes, people really do text while driving. Not only that, but I've seen people eat while driving, I've seen people put make up on while driving, I've even seen people read while driving. It's amazing sometimes that any of us make it home to our loved ones safe and sound.

There may be times when negative behaviors just happen, however I feel there is still an element of "not thinking" when ever things "just happen." Even in your example, you knew you had other things to do - you were THINKING about them - you just chose to ignore those thoughts to continue reading this blog (which I appreciate, in a way). The point is that the wife needs to be thinking BEFORE she chooses to behave (or not behave), and do so in a way that will be the most beneficial to the marriage.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tamira. All the best to you.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your explanation, Clint. I am really impressed by the multitasking abilities of some (many?) people around. ;-)

I also would like to thank you for pointing out that choosing to ignore the wiser thoughts actually equals "acting without thinking" in a certain way. I THINK I have to THINK about that (lot of thinking, don't you think so?) and also discuss this issue with my husband.
Best regards
Tamira

Clint said...

@Tamira - My pleasure, Tamira. And it's just one person multitasking - me - which is why I fall behind on the comments so easily!

Good luck with your thinking. :)

-- Clint

 
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