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One thing that is evident among many domestic discipline couples is how difficult it is for the head of the household to conduct an effective lecture. Lecturing is not an easy thing to do, but it's certainly a vital component to the long term correction of a problem, and it's important the HoH know how to effectively lecture.
Basically there are 3 components to a punishment: 1) The lecture, 2) The punishment itself, and 3) The comforting afterwards. All three components are important, but ironically the punishment itself is the least important. Don't get me wrong, it's still very necessary, but the lecture is what helps your wife realize her mistake/poor judgment, and the comforting afterwards is what strengthens the love and emotional bond between you two. We're going to focus strictly on the lecturing aspect of Domestic Discipline in this entry and completely break down how it should be done.
The husband needs to talk to his wife about what happened first. The wife has made a mistake, she likely feels bad about it, and the husband needs to make sure she understands exactly why this is a problem/dangerous. The first thing the husband needs to do is very calmly, and very respectfully, take his wife into the bedroom to discuss what happened. Don't mention the punishment at all, and don't force her to go. We want to put the punishment in the back of her mind for the time being.
If she asks, "What's my punishment going to be?", I recommend the husband say something along the lines of, "Don't worry about that too much right now, dear. Let's just go into the bedroom and talk about what happened. I want to hear your side of the story. Everything is fine honey, I just want to get to the bottom of what happened." Be very polite, be very comforting, and be very soothing in your tone. Just keep it cool. If the husband verbally attacks his wife with insults or belittling, things will go absolutely nowhere, she'll storm out, and the husband will be sleeping on the couch. Just relax, be cool, be nice, put your arm around your wife in a loving manner and walk with her to the bedroom.
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To illustrate what I'm talking about, I'll do a mock conversation. For sake of this example, we'll say the wife just got a ticket because she was texting while driving. She comes clean with it, you've gone to your bedroom, you've sat down together, and you two are about to have this talk. Here's how it should (basically) go:
Husband: "Alright honey, you understand why we're having this conversation, right?"
Wife: "Yeah I do. I screwed up."
Husband: "Well you broke one of our agreed upon rules. That's all. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. Which rule did you break?"
Wife: "Our 'no texting while driving' rule."
Husband: "Right. We've talked about this before and I know you understand why this is a rule in our relationship."
Wife: "I know. It was just a quick message. I didn't think it was a big deal. I was on my phone for like two seconds."
Husband: "Well that's two seconds too long. You shouldn't be on it at all. You know that. Why did we make this a rule in our relationship?"
Wife: "Because it's dangerous."
Husband: "Exactly. It's really dangerous. We both know there are more reasons that that though."
Wife: "I know...I could get in an accident and get hurt, too."
Husband: "See? You know this is dangerous, sweetheart. You could have gotten hurt or killed, and, if the kids had been in the car with you, you could have gotten them hurt or killed as well. On top of all that, you could hurt or kill another innocent driver on the road. Obviously you can get a ticket as well. It's extremely important we get this fixed. I need you, and our kids need you. I don't even know how we'd survive without you."
Wife: "Yeah, I understand. You're right. I just wasn't thinking about it like that. You've told me before how dangerous it is..I guess I just thought it wasn't a big deal to send ONE little message, but I know I shouldn't have been on my phone."
Husband: "All I'm asking you to do is to keep your phone off while driving. It's really really dangerous. Our family loves you, and we need you."
Wife: "I understand. I'm really sorry. I wasn't thinking."
As you can see, you talk this through. The husband should ask his wife a few questions to help her think about it, and help her come to the realization on her OWN that this was dangerous and poor judgment. When she actually takes the time to think about this, and when she actually goes back to that moment in her mind and talks about what she was thinking at that point in time, it REALLY helps her realize she used poor judgment. Hearing herself say it out loud will not only help her come to this realization, but it will also illustrate to you she's thought about it, came to that realization, and she knows she made a mistake. She just admitted all of that to you. By doing this, it is MUCH more effective in changing the thought process about the problem for the future, and she will be WAY less likely to make the same mistake twice. The next time her phone buzzes in the car, she'll immediately think about how dangerous it is for her to pick it up, take her eyes off the road, and respond to a text message while driving.
The transition into the punishment is important as well. The husband needs to accomplish the same mentality in his wife when it comes to the punishment. During this lecture, the punishment aspect should be in the back of her mind. The husband need to bring it to the front of her mind at the END of this lecture. What the husband needs to do is have HER talk about what her punishment is going to be. The husbands mind should be made up, but have HER tell you what her punishment will be. Let's pick up the example conversation where it left off:
Wife: "I understand. I'm really sorry. I wasn't thinking."
Husband: "Well that's the whole point of this conversation, dear. To get you thinking before you act. Think about why texting while driving is dangerous. Avoid the temptation all together. On your way home, turn your phone off, put it on silent, toss it in the back seat - do something so it doesn't distract you while you're driving."
Wife: "Alright, I understand."
Husband: "You can handle that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, I can handle that. It makes sense. I'll be safer when I'm driving."
Husband: "Thank you. That's all I'm looking for. Well, it sounds like you understand why this is a problem. I think we both know you're being punished for this."
Wife: "Yeah..I guess so."
Husband: "What's our consequence for breaking this rule?"
Wife: "I don't know."
Husband: "Yes, I think you do."
Wife: "Um..I'm grounded for a while?"
Husband: "Well no, I think it's a little more serious than that. Try again."
Wife: "Uh..well..a spanking I guess."
Husband: "Yes, that's the consequence we agreed on for breaking this rule. This is a serious enough thing and much too dangerous to be happening again. I'm proud of you, honey. I appreciate you handling this so well. Let's take care of this."
(Followed by a hug - then proceed to spank)
At this point, the wife has admitted HERSELF she should be spanked for something this dangerous. Once that happens, it's over with. She can't really argue something she just admitted to. Her cooperation should be much better, and things should go much more smoothly. The conversation may or may not go this well, but it illustrates my points of letter HER come to the realization of the mistake on her own, and to let HER say what her punishment is. What you're doing is changing her mentality long term, and helping her to think before she acts so she can use better judgment and ultimately be smarter, safer, healthier and happier. The long term change in her thought process is crucial, and will greatly reduce the chance of it ever happening again. This entire conversation should be right around 10-15 minutes long. Tops.
It's important to have this lecture every time you punish. Not just with spankable offenses, but all punishments. It doesn't always have to be a 10-15 minute lecture, it just needs to be long enough that you get those two responses and realizations from her: 1) Why it's a problem and 2) What her punishment is going to be. It's also important that the husband give her the correct way to handle the situation in the future at some point in the lecture. I'd be shocked if the offense happened again anytime soon after that, if ever. It really really helps with the long term correction of a problem.
There you have it. Lecturing 101. I hope it made sense. It's a difficult thing to put in to words and make it clear, but I did my best. Lecturing is certainly an important aspect of DD. It's absolutely vital to the long term correction of a mistake/problem. It all makes sense if you think about it.