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Learning Domestic Discipline
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LDD's Weekly Recap: July 29th - August 4th
11 years ago
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
What is Domestic Discipline?
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31 comments:
Thanks!! This is the best description of DD that I have ever seen!!
Love your blog!!!
Bob.
@senorrose4 Thank you kindly, Bob. I appreciate the feedback!
Hi Clint,
I enjoy your blog and lurk often. Could you do a post sometime on your point that "In addition to punishing the unwanted behaviors, the husband (or head of the household) is also responsible for rewarding the positive behaviors in an effort to reinforce them for the greater good of the entire family"? I have never seen this point of view on a DD blog before and am curious to know your thoughts about that concept.
Thanks for the blog and congratulations on the birth of your son!
Sincerely,
j
@J - Thank you so much! We're so blessed to have a healthy baby boy.
It's funny you bring this topic up, because I was planning on doing a "rewards" post sometime in the future. It's coming..just be patient with me. :)
-- Clint
can you write something about what is not dd?
@Anonymous - Yes, I sure can. I've had a lot of requests for different post topics, but I'll write a post on what is and is not DD, as well as the do's and dont's of DD as soon as I can.
Thank you so much for the suggestion!
-- Clint
I started reading your blog recently. We have tried "vanilla" and "bdsm" as she is naturally submissive and I am naturally Dominant. Our current situation did not lend itself well to the bdsm and it become sporadic/forced. After reading your definition of DD and reading pretty much your entire site (I also searched other sites for info but returned to yours)..I feel very comfortable and natural in this. I had her also read through your blogs/site and she agreed that it IS what we want/need to be. Today we started, with the initial steps, had our conversations and our first behaviour correction session. So far I think it has gone very well as both seem at ease as well as focused. We will keep you informed and I thank you for having this blog for people like us to find and learn from.
Michael and donnita
I don't know where to put this comment, but since I came to this page after seeing the above comment in the recent comments on the left, I'm going to leave it here. I apologize if this general comment would be better on another page. Basically, I just wanted to tell you we enjoy your blog and come back to it often and hope you continue with it for a long time. I'm sure you're busy, especially wiht a small baby, so time you spend here helping us and others is so much more appreciated. There is nothing out there like this blog and it is a very useful resource. We've been using dd in our relationship for for 6 months and the benefits and the changes in how much closer we are with eachother, and how we communicate are wonderful. So thank you!
Teena and Jonathan
P.S Please tell your wife that we're hoping for a new post from her as well.
@Michael and Donnita - It's so wonderful to have comments on the blog like yours. Thank you so very much. I would love to hear more couples share their experiences with the methods outlined on this blog, good or bad. Perhaps I'll create a post in the future where couples can share their experiences in the comments. I think that would help other reluctant couples see that the ideas and recommendations on this blog can truly be helpful to their marriage. Thanks again, and definitely keep checking in with your progress. All the best to you both.
@Teena and Jonathan - Thank you so much! Your kind words are so very much appreciated. It's comments like yours that make all the time and effort I put into this blog worthwhile. As I mentioned to the previous commenter, I think a post where couples can share their experiences after implementing the ideas and recommendations on this blog, good or bad, would be beneficial to a lot of couples. Thanks again for your wonderful comment.
My wife and I have been a bit busier than usual for that past two weeks or so, but we both plan on continuing on with our blogs. We've both gotten a lot of positive feedback from them (and some negative feedback, which is expected when it comes to this topic), so if it continues to help couples and marriages, then we'll continue posting. Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for your continued support!
All the best to you both.
-- Clint
Dear Clint,
I’m sorry for my bad English, I’m French.
I’m a very beginner in DD and I need your advice because I’ve a big concern. Since we decided to get involved in a DD relationship, my girlfriend can’t forbear from testing my limits. She’s very disrespectful to me: she cusses, she’s aggressive, and she laughs at me when I try to spank her, and also acts out (deliberately) in public….
She generally rebels when I punish her. For example, during corertime she leaves the corner and doesn’t cooperate during spankings…..
I know that she enjoys pushing me, but it’s not really funny! What can I do? Have I punish her hardly? I’ve never spanked her with an implement and never more than 10 strokes…
Thank you very much.
All the best to you
-Bast
@Bast - Your English is very good! I commend you for having the courage to post your comment on the blog. I'm certainly glad you did.
There are two things happening in your situation - 1) She's testing her boundaries, and 2) she has no fear whatsoever of being punished. If she's laughing when you punish, she's not taking it seriously at all and basically making a mockery of the whole thing.
With all due respect, 10 strikes with your hand isn't a very strong deterrent for her to refrain from repeating the behavior. I do feel you're punishments (the spankings, at least) are too mild. I'd recommend you increase the intensity of the spanking. I'd start with the beginner level spankings as described on this blog and increase as needed if you aren't getting the results you want. She's not fearing the punishments, so I feel it's in your best interest to increase the intensity of the punishments if you want to see any kind of change in behavior.
I hope this helps you, Bast. I wish you the very best of luck!
-- Clint
Hey Clint my life partner suggested we start dd, I agreed in the end to try and improve our relationship but he doesn't follow through with any of the punishments so I start to feel that he doesn't love me enough. Any thoughts to that???
Love your blog by the way
@Anonymous (January 24th 3:39 AM) - Thank you for the kind words! I'm glad you enjoy the blog and I hope you find it helpful. Thank you so much for reading.
I wrote a post called "The Importance of Consistency" that I encourage you to read. You can find it by copying and pasting this link into your web browser:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/08/importance-of-consistency.html
I think that will best answer your question. Good luck with bringing this lifestyle into your relationship! Once the consistency thing is worked out, there's no doubt in my mind you'll be happy you did.
All the best.
-- Clint
Do you know where I can find instructional spanking videos/examples online?
@Anonymous (March 5th, 6:31 PM) - I don't know of any that I would be comfortable recommending to you. It's ironic you ask this question. My wife and I are considering making appropriate instructional videos, but the feedback to the mere thought of that has been nothing but negative thus far.
Sorry I'm not much help. Perhaps other readers could direct you to what you're looking for.
-- Clint
My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and we both agree as to his headship. We work together well. When offenses are made on either of our parts we talk through them and forgive one another. There are no punishments. There are no time outs. He is a strong loving leader and I never doubt his protection of me. Can you tell me how adding the domestic discipline dynamic would benefit our marriage? It just seems unessecary.
@Anon June 12, 2012 4:55AM - I'm sure Clint will respond with a much better answer, but it sounds as if you have a marriage based on DD (love, respect, trust, honesty, accountability, open communication) just not using the "tools" of discipline. If that is working for you, why change it? As the old saying goes "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Hope your marriage continues to grow and flourish.
I'm the HOH and his wife. We start dd three years ago. He felt the need of authority and punishments when it's necessary. Anyway, I would like to say that dd works also when the HOH is the wife. I spank him hard, often, ground him sometime, scold him, give him lines, and he obeys. He loves me, and fears my sentences. He knows, when I decide he will be spanked, he will. And when he got an early bedtime at 8 pm, even in summer, he will go to bed without a word, or it would be a few swats of my hairbrush on his butt.
Good luck for your good blog.
Cindy
@Anonymous (June 12th 4:55 AM) - It sounds like things are going well in your marriage, and DD may not be necessary for you two. DD enhances elements of a marriage such as respect, love, trust, communication, intimacy, admiration, compromise, and understanding of one another to name a few. If you see no need for enhancement in those areas and you BOTH are happy with where your marriage is at, then perhaps DD isn't for your marriage. As I've said before, DD isn't for everyone, and I certainly understand that.
Good luck to you going forward. I wish you nothing but the best.
@Cat - Thank you for offering your advice as well. I appreciate you taking the time to do so.
@Cindy - I'm glad you've found what works for your marriage. Thank you for the kind words about the blog.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
Thank you for this blog, me and my "life partner" have been working on it.
I am glad I found thsi site. I know that with practice DD in our relationship it will help us in so many ways. It is funny that all this was my idea and he looked at me like I was crazy at first but now he is getting into it.
I just need to get him to start being more consistent, as I said we are fairly new to this but I know that consistency is key and he is a bit leanient on that part. Its not that I necessarily want to be spanked/punished but I do believe that him allowing it one time and not the next will only cause more problems.
I love this site. I am learning soooo much and I have shared all this with L and he is learning too :)
@Paula - Wonderful! I'm glad you've found this site as well. I hope you and your partner continue to find it beneficial for your relationship.
I'm honored to have you as a reader. Your support means a lot to me. Thank you!
-- Clint
I am new to dd and it seems like, when things are right and on course for us i am on cloud nine, but does anyone else have that terrible low feeling with things dont line up just right or when one or both the partners arent performing at 100% in terms of DOMsub?
@takenbysir - I think it's fair to say that every couple has ups and downs with the lifestyle. It almost sounds as though you're describing an inconsistency problem, which is very common with beginners. This post may help your situation:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/08/importance-of-consistency.html
Perhaps others will chime in with their feedback as well. Good luck to you and welcome to a DD lifestyle!
-- Clint
Clint, I really appreciate all your hard work. I came to this site seeking advice on how to find this type of relationship. BDSM dating sites only offer me men who want to play dress up and act silly, when what I want is a long-term committed DD relationship with a man I love. Any advice on finding men who are already into this?
Thanks!
@Anonymous (August 23rd 7:32 PM) - Thank you so much. It's nice to know all the time I put into LDD is appreciated.
I certainly understand your desire to find a man who is already accepting of the DD lifestyle, however I would strongly discourage you from actively seeking a man who is "already into this." I feel it's unhealthy to begin a relationship on the premise of Domestic Discipline. Domestic Discipline should come later in the relationship, when it's stable, established, and "going somewhere."
I recommend you first establish a committed relationship based on trust, loyalty, love, etc. before entertaining the idea of Domestic Discipline. Establish a strong foundation in a relationship first, THEN bring the idea of Domestic Discipline into it when you feel the time is right. It's healthier this way, and much much safer.
I wish you the very best of luck in finding the right man for you. He's out there somewhere. :)
All the best.
-- Clint
As I have put elsewhere on this blog, I am fairly new to DD but have read lots about it and, judging by responses to my earlier posts, have got my understanding “about right”. I think I have accepted the concept for what it is and my husband and I have gone through pretty much the right steps to start practicing DD ourselves (talking, agreeing rules etc.). So we have got the “whats” and “hows” under control, but sometimes I am curious (no more than curious) about some of the “whys”.
The post by Anonymous on June 12 2012 (above) interested me. In her relationship there are no punishments and they talk through mistakes and forgive each other. Cat gave a response that they are living DD without the “tools” of discipline. Clint added they perhaps this couple doesn't need DD anyway.
It made me wonder whether they are practicing DD (without the tools) or not? I have noted that Clint's view is that punishment is a crucial part of DD and spanking in particular, is by far the most preferable of the punishments available (unless I am completely mis-reading his words). Clint is clear that when a spanking is deserved there should be no negotiation and it should be carried out. Similarly, spanking is recommended as the best choice if a less severe punishment needs to be escalated.
So a few questions, just to satisfy my curiosity
Can you practice DD without punishments?
Why is spanking so much the preferred option?
Perhaps just talking through offenses/mistakes and forgiving (as the anonymous post describes) is a very relaxed approach, but what about a 'stern lecture from the HoH? Can that not be effective in curing problems, without resorting to spanking (or other punishments)?
As I have said, these questions are purely driven by my curiosity and I am not criticizing anyone or anything I have read. I think this blog is not only a brilliant resource, but it is written clearly, honestly, and with compassion and I thank Clint for all his efforts in making it happen.
Also, just for completeness (sorry this has got so long!), we chose to try DD in our relationship for a very specific reason. Our marriage was fine and we have all the ingredients for success (love, trust, and so on) but we had severe difficulties with keeping on top of everyday things that had to be dealt with. Neither of us were (or are) very good at doing things that HAVE to be done (such as tax, bills, finances, house repairs...) but we are very good at doing things we LIKE doing (concerts, holidays...). Not only are we not very good at those “have to do” things, but we put off dealing with them, or even discussing them, until sometimes they become major problems (threats of legal action – that major).
So we analysed what our problem was (communication basically, but just for this aspect of our lives) and came up with rules to get us out of the mess. We also selected and agreed punishments that we felt would help us from those on this site (yes, despite my earlier questions, we did include spanking) and set off on our new journey. It's early days, but we have noticed some improvements already.
Thanks for reading, and I hope someone will find the time to give me a little more insight regarding my questions.
Thanks again for a hugely useful and approachable blog.
@Ezz - Given that the name of the lifestyle is domestic discipline, living this way without the "discipline" wouldn't really fit into the overall definition of this lifestyle. Can a couple have a head of the household without punishments involved? Sure they can, but I don't believe they could really call their marriage dynamic a domestic discipline one since there is no discipline involved.
I wouldn't necessarily say spanking is always the preferred option (it differs for every couple), but it is far and away the most effective punishment. I suspect that's why spanking would be the preferred punishment by some HoH's - it's highly highly effective.
Only lecturing can be effective, however the results are generally short lived. For instance, one spouse can lecture the other about not cussing and it will probably help the problem for a short while, but it doesn't correct the problem long term. A punishment gives added incentive to the recipient to follow the rules, and generally makes a longer lasting impression on them.
It sounds as though discussing and re-evaluating the priorities in your marriage is just what the doctor ordered for you two. I'm so happy to hear that domestic discipline is helping to get your marriage back on the right track. If you're seeing improvements after only a short while, there's no doubt in my mind this lifestyle will prove to be beneficial for the duration of your relationship so long as you stay committed to it.
Thank you for your kind words about the blog, and thank you so much for reading. I appreciate you sharing your story, and I wish you nothing but the best going forward.
Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
First, thanks Clint for your clear answers to my questions. I do tend to over-think things sometimes, rather than just accept things as they are. Your reply helped me to understand the bigger picture, the “whys” of DD if you like, much better.
Secondly, I don't know whether sharing these experiences will help anyone else but, on the grounds that it can't do any harm either, here we go!
Well, both my husband and I feel totally stupid for getting ourselves into such a mess (see my post above: October 29, 2012 7:03 AM). We believe that our relationship, which has always been based on “equality”, was a big part of our problem. We shared everything equally: chores, decisions, money and so on. And it worked very well for every aspect of our relationship with the sole exception of the “administration” side of running the household, the paperwork, emails, phone calls that had to be made. Being equal, neither of us had (overall) responsibility for seeing that these things were done on time (or at all), we both hated doing them and were notoriously bad at them too, and failed to communicate with each other. Letters got buried under new mail, forgotten, and when things went wrong, we would blame each other, silently or openly, always sadly, and would begin muddling through to get over the latest catastrophe. It was a never ending nightmare.
So we took the list of rules from this site as a starting point, deleted several, and added those that would address our one big problem. We have rules that state that letters must be evaluated (for seriousness, urgency) on the day they arrive. Bills must be paid on time. Paperwork must be filed, not left lying around on the dinner table (I'm shockingly bad at that). Spending limits now apply: a (very low) single transaction limit on the credit card, plus an overall limit on monthly expenditure on the card too. As I said on my earlier post, we are both very good at doing things we like, and spending without a second thought has become second nature. So the rules we added are all based on the need to get very basic, but essential, good habits in place. If anyone is thinking that we've only got ourselves to blame (for the mess we're in) then they are right. I've already admitted that we both feel totally stupid about the whole thing.
We are seeing improvements and are slowly catching up with things, climbing our way out. It's been hard going but my husband has come down hard on failures right from the start. Leaving a scrap of paper with an important phone number on it on the coffee table was a serious offence that I won't be repeating. I also ordered some things online recently and, when shipping was added, it came to slightly over the 'single transaction' level that we had agreed. I continued with the purchase as I thought the small excess (about the price of a cup of coffee in a cafe) wouldn't be a problem. I learned the hard way that the limit wasn't flexible and that I had misjudged the importance of staying within it. The purchases were luxuries, not essentials, so I had no argument of having “good reason” to overspend.
We now have daily “priority” meetings where we go through mail together to make sure things don't get over-looked, deciding who will do what, and discussing situations thoroughly before a decision is made. The decision is no longer a joint one, either. I have input, but my husband decides.
Little by little, I think we are getting there and my husband is also working hard to keep on top of things and clear up the backlog of problems that we've foolishly allowed to accumulate. I would re-iterate that it is early days, but we both agree that progress is being made, bad habits broken, and new, good habits formed.
Good news! Only one on this post, although it is from the awesome EZZ and therefore somewhat wordy! (Love ya, EZZ!)
I was sharpening my pencil to keep a sharp edge so I'm ready when you buzz my desk and want to dictate a letter, and found this comment that was missing a response.
@The Secretary
Made me chuckle: "awesome EZZ" !
Ezz
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