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Clint
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One of the most important aspects of a Domestic Discipline marriage is consistency from the husband (or the head of the household) on the punishments/rules. Being consistent isn't always an easy thing to do. I talk to a lot of men who struggle with it, and I talk to a lot of wives who are very frustrated with the inconsistency from their husbands when it comes to them enforcing the rules.
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As a head of the household myself, I understand how hard it is to remain consistent with the punishments/rules. Husbands don't want to come across as controlling jerks, or feel like dictators, or make their wives resent them for being so "strict." It's easy to have thoughts like, "I'll punish later", or "I'll give her a warning this one time", or simply "I just don't feel like doing this tonight." I obviously can't speak on behalf of everyone, but in my experience with discussing Domestic Discipline with other husbands, these thoughts and feelings are very common.
It's evident that at some point in every DD relationship/marriage the husband (or head of the household) experiences those thoughts and feelings. I jokingly refer to this as the "Good Guy Syndrome." Good guys don't ever want to be rude or abrasive to their wives, or anyone for that matter. And that's not a bad thing by any means. If a husband gives a self-diagnoses of the Good Guy Syndrome, that tells me he's someone who cares a lot about his wife, his family, and other people. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.
As difficult as it may be for the husband to do, he needs to stop feeling this way. I wish I had some recommendation to help with these feelings, but in actuality this is a character trait and mindset that the husband is going to have to fix on his own. That's why I call it a "syndrome." There's no "cure." No recommendation I give is going to help this problem other than me saying the husband needs to identify the inconsistency problem within the marriage and admit to it, acknowledge that he needs to "step up" and enforce the rules more consistently, and take action on enforcing the rules. That, in a nutshell, is the only solution to this problem. The husband needs to look in the mirror and see that this problem is his which he, as head of the household, is obligated to correct.
The irony is that the wife wants and needs consistency from her husband. She agreed to a Domestic Discipline marriage and agreed to the rules/consequences, and she wants her husband to be a leader. Of all the men in the world, she chose you to be her life partner. She wants you to protect her, she wants you to lead the family, she wants you to stabilize the home environment, she wants you to lead and lead by example.
Whether the wife admits this or not - she wants and needs her husband to punish her for her mistakes. She wants to be the best possible wife to her husband, and the best possible mother to her children that she can possibly be. She wants and needs her husband's help in achieving those things. She isn't perfect and she knows it. Her husband helping her get these dangerous and detrimental behaviors of hers corrected for the greater good of the family and marriage makes her feel loved and protected, all while giving her a sense of stability. If you think I'm blowing hot air here, talk to you wife about it. You'll see. I've done this long enough to know this is how 90% of women in a Domestic Discipline marriage feel. The other 10% have husbands that don't understand what Domestic Discipline is all about.
The moral of the story is the husband needs to be consistent in enforcing the rules of the marriage. Hopefully that message came through loud and clear. It's important. Wives don't feel controlled or have feelings of resentment towards their husbands when their husbands step up to lead the family. Quite the opposite, in fact. When you really think about this, it makes a lot of sense. Inconsistency leads a wife to feel uncared for, or unloved, or both. No husband should want his wife to feel that way, and no wife should experience those feelings. This is about growing together for a brighter future and the best way to do that is to be consistent with the rules/punishments.
As always, there's a right way and a wrong way to do this. Being more consistent does NOT mean the husband needs to belittle, embarrass, humiliate, or otherwise disrespect his wife in any sense of the word. A husband can step up and be more consistent with the rules in a very mature, level-headed, composed way. Husbands shouldn't punish harder or with an elevated level of anger/frustration, they simply need to punish when the rules are broken on a more consistent basis. That's all. All the same principles when punishing remain constant. Calm, rational, loving, understanding, and fair. Those things never change.
I think any couple will find that the marriage becomes stronger when there is more consistency. Things will run more smoothly, there will be less conflict, and there will be less mistakes. The home will be healthier and happier. I promise you. As always, please feel free to leave any thoughts, questions or concerns in the comments.
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