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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Importance of Consistency


Image courtesy of indiacolumns.com.
  We discuss how important it is for the HoH to be consistent in enforcing the rules.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.

39 comments:

Pooky said...

Clint I just started following your blog a week agao. Dev and I started Cdd about two months ago and we have really taken to it meaning, the results are extremly positive. However, I would have to say inconsistency is the worst and yes when it happens I feel unloved more so than when he actually spanks me. Do you have any tips for the wife in this situation to help the hubby to see this and do better or is it something we shouldn't ... um... nag about.

K's sweetie said...

well said, Clint. You are exactly right...caring about your partner and her feelings is not a flaw. Why would we choose to be with someone who didn't care? But we need what we need, and we chose our partner to be the one to give it to us. We need them to be consistent...always

Christina said...

This is a GOOD post!! I'm sure it will spark conversation and provide valuable information for couples that are experiences problems with consistency.

I like the photo on this one. You can almost see that he thinks everything is fine, since he's content enough to go to sleep, while she's frustrated and wondering if he still loves her. If he does, why can't he step up and lead? Good photo, Clint!!

Clint said...

@Pooky - Welcome to the blog! I hope you find it useful. I think you can bring up the idea of being more consistent to your husband without nagging him about it. Once he hears that you feel unloved, that should trigger a response from him to make more of an effort on consistency. Like any issue in a marriage, your spouse isn't going to know about it until you actually talk to him about it. That can be hard sometimes - I understand that - but to get something like inconsistency corrected in your DD marriage, he needs to know how you feel about it. Feel free to show him this blog entry. Perhaps that would break the ice for you. Best of luck!

@K's sweetie - Thank you, and I agree with everything you said. I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you so much for your comment. All the best to you.

@Christina - Thank you Christina! The photos certainly say a lot and I always try to find the very best one to convey the message behind the post. It sets the tone. I'm glad you like it!

-- Clint

Terri said...

Thank you for the entry Clint. One thing I've also noticed in my own behavior is if he's not consistent I start to wonder if the rules are really all that important to him if he's not going to enforce them. I then in turn will ignore the rules that I don't really care for. Right or wrong I'm sure many women do this. Then when he does get around to trying to enforce them (weeks later) it seems pointless and this creates a tension in the air that doesn't need to be there.

newbie said...

oh consistency...wouldn't that be nice =)
just as soon as I think Hubby "gets it", and we are beginning to find a routine, something happens and I have to say (to my self) wtf, he has no idea what DD is. Then when I am just about to tell him that we can forget about it, and just go back to the playfull stuff, my dear HoH lets me (and my bottom) know..he's still working it all out in his head. I guess, for now, I just need to remember, he inconsistently---consistent, and we will eventually figure it all out.

Anonymous said...

does anyone on here have an issue with the wife still feeling guilty after the spanking is done.. if so what should the HOH do about it .. or the wife?

Anonymous said...

I'm wondering if the couples that do find inconsistency an issue in their d/d marriages - was it the woman that brought the idea of d/d up in the first place? Some men including my husband really kind of struggled in the beginning with the idea of actually "hitting" their wives so I believe that would be one reason that the husbands were not so consistent with giving spankings when they were warranted. After a while though, my husband became quite comfortable and consistent because he saw how great our marriage became after he became HOH and my submission to him really put our marriage in a good place. Keep trying and keep communication open that's what we did.

Clint said...

@Terri - Exactly. Inconsistency can be the end of what DD is intended to do, and it can really cause a lot of long term problems. Thank you for your comment. I'd imagine a lot of women feel the same way you do.

@Newbie - It takes time to get adjusted to a DD lifestyle. Inconsistency is certainly one of the most common things HoH's struggle with. As long as you let him know you'd like him to be more consistent, I'm sure he'll make the necessary adjustments to improve in that department. Thank you so much for your comment. :)

@Anonymous (August 26th 12:57pm) - Does your wife cry after the spanking? That's typically what releases those feelings of guilt. If she does cry after a spanking but still feels guilty, I would recommend having a talk about what happened afterwards. Sometimes just talking about things can help a person feel better. Reassurance from her husband that everything is forgiven and everything will be ok so long as she learns from the mistake can go a long way.

@Anonymous (August 27th 10:36am) - Just speaking from my own personal experience - when we started out with DD I was rather inconsistent, and yes, my wife did bring the idea of DD to me. It was hard for me to open up to the idea of spanking. It got better as time went on, but there were certainly feelings of hesitation on my part. Like your husband, I saw the benefits of spanking and have since done my best to be as consistent as I can possibly be. Thank you so much for your comment.

All the best to you all.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

@ anonynous.
I also feel guilty after a spanking. Infact I have found recenlty that I cna tell if its gone well when I feel guitly. Its like the spanking releases the reality of the situation in me. It makes me think about what I have done and learn from it. I dont think its a bad thing.

laura said...

Hi Clint, I do not know if it is straightforward... I am about starting with DD with my husband, and i've red that it works greatly for a man, to empower his leadership. Do you think that a man who becomes a self confident leader at home, can also improve his leadership/assertiveness in his general behaviour?

Anonymous said...

I have read your entire blog. I love and agree with almost everything you say. My husband and I have talked a lot about CDD. It is something he has agreed that we should incorporate in our marriage. But he doesn't want to use spanking as a punishment and I do. We've tried to use it and the reason he doesn't want to is because he gets aroused. Is there anything we can do to help him not get aroused? He doesn't like hurting me but has been willing anyway. But he doesn't want to do it if it's going to get him aroused. I think a lot of it is that we have done foreplay spankings in the past for fun. Do you think a CDD marriage can work without spankings? What would be a good punishment for severe offenses instead? I would really appreciate some help

Clint said...

@Laura - Yes, I believe so. Just from my personal experience I can say that my confidence has improved since my wife and I began Domestic Discipline. That confidence has carried over to things outside of our home and marriage. No question about it.

@Anonymous (September 5th 6:06 PM) - Thank you so much for your support of the blog. I'm glad you enjoy it and I certainly hope you find it useful.

The biggest thing that helps with arousal is spanking over the underwear/pajamas, or over the clothing in general rather than spanking bare bottomed. The position is important as well, but what positions are arousing to a person can be different for everyone. In my "Spanking Positions" blog entry I discuss a few different positions you can use when conducting a spanking. I would try to find one that isn't so sexually suggestive, and that may help with his arousal as well.

A CDD marriage without spankings would be hard. It can be done, of course, but I don't feel it would yield the long term desired results. Spanking is so much more than striking the wife on the buttocks. There are a lot of emotions that go with it, and I feel those emotions are really important in enhancing the bond between husband and wife. Personally I feel spankings are essential in a CDD marriage, however CDD can be practiced without them. I just don't feel you and your spouse would get everything out CDD without spankings included.

Without spankings, I would recommend an increase in the time length of privilege removal, I would recommend an increase in the intensity of chores around the house (as a punishment), and I would use things like soap in the mouth a lot more frequently. It would be difficult to get a major problem corrected without spanking to be perfectly honest.

Hope this helps. Best of luck.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Many things that I read about DD talk about "dangerous or detrimental" behaviors of the wife being "the" reason to incorporate DD into your marriage. in my marriage i don't do those things. I can be disrespectful at times, when provoked, my husband can be a bit critical (with out meaning to) and that leads to arguments. Our biggest problem is the "distance" that fighting creates. We both tend to go inward and withhold affection and communication. I really believe DD can help with this kind of problem. I am all for having my husband discipline and punish when I am wrong, becuase I know I don't always react in a way that is productive..by learing to be more submissive and not react badly our relationship has gotten so much better. I'm in NO WAY being a door mat...but I have found that if I just step back and let him rant a little and stay calm the issue resolves much quicker. That issue is much better. Our biggest problem now (with DD) is I don't know how to explain to my HoH that "his" role isn't just to discipline and punish, but to also CHANGE his self. If the HoH expects "respect" he must also learn to be more respectful, if he expects openness, he must be more open. Every one writes about the "bad" things the wife might do to earn punsihment, but what about some examples of how the husband might CAUSE that problmen in the first place and how the husband can make changes too. I don't think I am making sense. sorry

Anonymous said...

Amen, sister. You are making sense!

Clint said...

@Anonymous (September 16th 6:07 AM) - You make sense, and I agree with you. An HOH shouldn't expect things from his wife that he doesn't expect from himself. Without a doubt HOH's can cause arguments from mistakes they make, which can put stress on the marriage. Perhaps that's a post for the future on this blog, or a good idea for other bloggers to write about. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas. I wish you well.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

It is so hard when HOH is away for an extended amount of time. We are 2 mos. into DD, and things in our household and relationship have improved a lot. And now he is away for 8 days business trip,and I find myself slipping back to the old ways. It feels like things are unravelling. I am so mad at myself. And he is very busy and very far away, with limited communication. I was feeling so secure, and now I just feel alone. Have you ever dealt with this situation?

Anonymous said...

I am frustrated and in need of some help! My husband and I tried DD a year ago, but due to my husband inconsistency and kindness it failed miserably. My attitude became increasingly worse, my words were wicked and deeply hurtful towards him. Up until 2 weeks ago we were headed for divorce. Not wanting it to come to that, I again brought up DD. My husband agreed. After I received my well deserved spankings I felt amazing and had a respect and love for my husband that I haven't had in a very long time. We are less then a week into it and again he is showing signs of inconstancy. I again said some hurtful things to him and instead of punishing me, he said he'd let this time slide. I don't want him to let it slide. I honestly don't know what to do. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

@ Lisa I've talked to him about it till I'm blue in the face. He always says he agrees and understands. He has read all the information we could find on DD and says he agrees with it. Yet when it comes down to actually doing it, he may or may not. I've told him when he takes action I have so much more respect for him. He just told me I have a warp sense of respect. I am afraid that if he continues to be inconsistent, things will snowball out of control again and we will be right back to where we were. When he drops the reins, I can not stop myself from picking them up.
Which is never a good thing.

Should I ask to be punished? Is that a good way to make him feel more comfortable with this? Or is that just me taking control again?

Jim said...

I may be jumping into discussion a little late, but this issue of consistency keeps going on, so I guess now is a good time to comment.

With all due respect Anonymous of 9:14 AM seems to have problems because she has a rigid sense of DD which stops her from getting the value she desires. One, you have an unrealistic expectation of husband doing something just because he says he agrees to do it. A wife who feels she needs consequences to help her do the right thing should understand we don't always do the right thing even when we say we will. Two, I don't see why it is always bad for wife to pick up reins when husband drops them. I know there is a downside to it, but it may be best option. Three, you have the primary responsibility for controlling your words. You can't expect a mild mannered husband to manhandle you on a consistent basis. If you can only respect him after he spanks you, then you do have real issues that will not be solved only by spanking. Four, there is nothing wrong with the direct approach of asking for punishment in this type of case. Requesting punishment should be seen as a high form of personal responsibility on the part of the wife, not her effort to gain improper control. I think this is especially true in the case of mean disrespectful language. A wife may feel that she needs punishment before she can move forward with a clean heart able to request and receive forgiveness. If you really open your heart about your needs, you not get exactly what you want, but you may get what you really need.

Jim said...

@Lisa

I did not want to come across quite as judgmentally as I think I might have. With respect to my quoted statement, I am really referring to your angry tone about his failure to spank you consistently only one week into resuming DD. I agree that your husband has a responsibility to honor his commitments, but you cannot expect him to be perfect right from the start. I suggest to you and others that they consider using Spencer Agreement type language in which the wife does not only agree to be spanked, but the husband agrees to honor her wishes to be spanked without fail when certain causes appear. I really do hope that you can make your marriage work. I think you will find that your husband will be more willing to honor his spanking responsibilities if you convince him that you allow and even desire his spankings because you respect him, rather than respecting him only because he spanks you.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (September 24th 12:32 PM) - Yes, there have been times where my wife and I have been apart for days at a time. That's never an easy situation for more reasons than just enforcing/following the rules under the umbrella of Domestic Discipline. But, since this is a DD blog, I'll stick to that aspect of it.

Hopefully you and your husband can find the time to communicate, even if those times are hard to come by. It's important. I feel the best way to handle the DD aspect when there is distance is to hold the wife accountable with something minor each day (like writing a letter, or doing a random chore each day, etc.) until the husband returns home. Once he returns home, then he can spank if he feels the need to do so. By doing minor punishments each day of the week, it will remind the wife that she isn't going to get away with the poor behavior/decisions she had during the time away. I hope that makes sense and I hope it's helpful for your situation.

Best of luck!

James (Jim) said...

Sorry, I didn't really confuse the two of you. I just mistyped your name into the second post. As you saw, I was really responding to her posts. Sorry again for my sloppiness.

Blondie said...

Clint, last night my husband and I had another talk about consistency. It's not that he isn't trying to be consisitent, it's just difficult to, as I said before, to find the time and privacy. I follow the rules we have really well, especially because they really are common sense rules that we have agreed to. My biggest problem is my attitude, when I am stressed or upset, I say things that are similar to "whatever". So, we decided that he would just pull me aside and do a quick but really hard spanking if my attitude stinks. But other infractions may have to wait for the punishment. Though we may forget why I needed to be punished.. Can you give your opinion to if this is going to be a bad choice or not and give any advice you might have. Thanks

Clint said...

@Blondie - I understand you have a unique and difficult situation with teenagers in the home, and I think the way you and your husband are handling that difficult situation is appropriate.

I have a couple of recommendations for you. The first one being what I call "swats." I discuss them briefly in the "Punishing In Public - How To Handle It" post, but I'll quickly touch on them here again for you. Swats are essentially a "right then and there" BRIEF spanking with the hand. They're done very quickly, and done without the "routine" of a traditional spanking. Basically the husband strikes his wife's buttocks 10 or so times with his hand immediately after the infraction. The purpose is to get her attention, and remind her she needs to be respectful/follow the rules. It's serves as a warning, basically, that if the problem persists, it will lead to a more serious traditional spanking. So, you could do that.

The second option is holding the wife accountable in some fashion every day until the traditional spanking can be conducted. Each day the husband punishes the wife with a mild punishment (corner time, for instance) to remind the wife that he has not forgotten about the infraction. Once the couple is able to conduct the traditional spanking (perhaps days later), then the punishment is done and the issue is resolved. So, you could do that as well.

Option one, or the swats, it what I recommend the most. It sounds like you're doing something similar to this currently anyway. It's an effective way to quickly address an attitude issue, and is typically successful in curbing the wife's behavior right away.

I hope this helps, Blondie! As always, I wish you the very best.

-- Clint

Blondie said...

Thanks Clint! Your advice, as usual, is very helpful. I will share this my husband tonight. Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

My wife and I practiced DD for a couple months but I struggled with consistency. When I was consistent, things were awesome between us. As I slipped from time to time she would act out. She has now said she doesn't think I'm cut out to be a DD-type HOH. She's totally done a 180 and is anything but submissive toward me. She's disrespectful and has withdrawn affection. I would like to give it another try but she doesn't think she would. She loved the way this relationship made us closer etc. but I think my inconsistency put her off. She got frustrated and confused. I'm sure this has happened to others. How do i convince her to give it another try? I really think she needs this and I feel i failed to meet those needs.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (January 29th 8:40 AM) - I'm sorry for the late response. I'm going through my posts to see if there are comments I've missed, and clearly I've missed yours. I'm terribly sorry about that.

You can't MAKE your wife do anything she doesn't want to do. As you know, this lifestyle has to be consensual at all times, even if that consent was once there but is now lost. It has to be regained, which I understand is the basis of your question.

I encourage you to keep reminding your wife of how happy you were when DD was a part of your relationship, and how you feel now without it. Consistency (or lack thereof) was the downfall of things before, so I would concentrate on correcting that problem within yourself to prove to your wife you'll be consistent with it if and when you start again. When you say you're going to do something, do it. Don't procrastinate. Start to take the lead with things in your home. Lead by example. All of these things will illustrate to your wife that you're serious about your commitment to be consistent in your marriage.

It may take a while to show her your commitment, but I encourage you to stick with it, and keep the communication with her about it open and constructive. That's really all you can do. I sincerely wish you the best of luck with this. I can tell how bad you want your happiness back, and to give your wife her happiness back as well.

All the best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hi. we just started this out, your blog is very helpful! I have a question.. Whenever I am spanked I experience soreness when I sit down for a few days after and it is very uncomfortable. If I have something big coming up, like an interview with a bunch of perspective clients, and I dont want to be uncomfortable.. I understand the best thing I can do is be on my best behavior. But I am not perfect by any means. Would it be wrong for me to ask my partner to not spank me a few days prior to ensure success? Do you know how I would go about asking this? Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Anon from Feb 29th 1:57 pm.

I think I understand what you are saying. For me there are two kinds of physical soreness - muscle soreness and skin soreness. I have found that I can eliminate most of the muscle soreness by keeping my bottom relaxed through a spanking, not tensing the muscles. This is not easy to do as the tendency is to tighten up when in pain. I use relaxation techniques while being spanked to achieve this and I have almost completely eliminated the muscle soreness.

As far as bottom soreness, I haven't found a way to eliminate that!! other than be really good. But I'm not sure I want to eliminate it and here's why - I have a senior level job at work, if my bottom is tender from the night before, it is a reminder for me at work to treat people better, be more humble and considerate of others, etc. I use the bottom soreness as a way to help me remember my rules in all situations and have found that it really helps.

Good luck,

Anonymous said...

Hi... this is Anon Frorm February 29th at 1:57 p.m.

thanks for the advice! I will definitely try to relax during from now on. I didn't think about the soreness actually helping rather then hindering my meetings, but it definitely makes sense when you put it that way. Thanks again!!!!!

Anonymous said...

We are just getting started again. I had my first spanking this morning. I'm wondering, do you find that the frequency of spankings diminishes over time? How often did your wife get in trouble in the beginning? Thanks! Your site has been super beneficial to us.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (July 21st 2:50 PM) - Congratulations on getting started with DD once again in your marriage. I'm happy to hear you're giving it another try. :)

The frequency of spankings should definitely diminish over time. Spankings are intended to correct/improve upon unwanted, dangerous, and/or detrimental behaviors. Given this improvement, the need to spank will become less and less frequent over time.

It's been a while since my wife and I were just starting out with the lifestyle, but I recall having to punish several times a week in the beginning. It wasn't always spankings, but there were probably 4-5 punishments a week for us at first. I would say 1-2 spankings a week.

I've talked to hundreds of couples about DD, and it's not uncommon for some couples to spank 4-5 times a week at first. Some even have to spank twice in one day. It just depends on how "out of control" (for lack of a better term) the wife is, and how many issues the couple is addressing at once. I just don't want you to get discouraged and think you may be the only one getting spanked a lot at first (if you are), because a lot of couples are the same way.

I'm glad you find the site beneficial and I wish you the best of luck going forward! Thank you for your support of LDD.

-- Clint

william canfield said...

What if you (HOH) are consistent and the rules are set but the wife takes away from your rules, adds to the rules, what if the wife doesn't enforce the rules? What if she gives options as to the rules she knows she's not enforcing, when it comes to children ages 10-18

Clint said...

@William Canfield - Unfortunately this is not a parenting blog, so I will not be making any kind of parenting recommendations.

If your wife is not respecting/following the rules of the marriage, I would suggest you both go over them again together, reassess them, and make any necessary changes and/or additions to them. The rules should be consensually agreed upon, and both spouses should work together with one another in respecting them, following them, and re-evaluating them periodically throughout the marriage. A marriage is constantly evolving, and the rules need to evolve with these marital changes in a way that keeps the marriage on a healthy, safe, and harmonious track on into the future.

Sorry I'm not more help on the parenting issue, William. I wish you the best of luck in getting the rules more concretely established in your marriage.

-- Clint

thequeenofHiscastle said...

Consistency is something I think it takes a while for an hoh to grow into. It really feels like neglect to a dd wife though which is what makes it so hard. We have been practicing for years but it has been a very up and down one. Once we talk through what is going on I will usually find out what his reason are for not disciplining me and we work through it. It is important that you admit the benefits you get from being spanked or from his consistency so that he understands why you want it from him. It is very humbling to say when you spank me....but he needs to know. Encourage him, thank him when he is consistent and raise his expectations of you by increasing your level of respect and submission.

Clint said...

@thequeenofHiscastle - Your comment is a wonderful one and I thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I agree with everything you said. Very well said.

All the best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I love your post on consistency. My husband has always been HOH that is something we both agreed to before marriage. I've noticed during our 19 yrs together and 3 children we have lacked consistency at times. Also after so many years together I'm just suppose to know which I do but it's nice to hear him say why I'm being punished.You have alot of great info on your site. Thanks for taking the time to help so many others.

The Secretary said...

I hope you don't mind but I had nothing to do so I'm using my secretarial skills to go through your posts and remind you on what pages you have outstanding questions/comments to answer. I think you and your family might have been at the beach and forgot this one back in the summer!

 
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