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Monday, November 7, 2011

What IS and What IS NOT Domestic Discipline

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We outline many things that do and do not fall in line with what domestic discipline is all about.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.

40 comments:

Nathan and Carolyn said...

Very well said :)

Clint said...

@Nathan and Carolyn - Thank you! I don't know you two as well as my wife does, but I certainly hope all is well in your world.

All the best to you guys!

-- Clint

Nathan and Carolyn said...

Fell free to talk to us anytime :)

Anonymous said...

I am a lurker mostly. I have commented a couple of times, though.

Thank you for your commentary on what is/is not DD. I mentioned to your wife on the Knowing Your Roles blog a certain discipline that my husband was considering for me. It is not a normal one, and I don't want to mention it here, but it was humiliating. I will be telling him that I am not okay with it. I haven't felt comfortable telling him that before.

I am in a DD relationship, but it's not a very close one. In fact, it is a lonely relationship, but I much prefer it over being yelled at. It's difficult to meet all the expectations, have five small children, go through a sixth pregnancy, go through a home birth, homeschool the three oldest and keep all the plates spinning. But where I used to get yelled at, I now get the belt.

At least it's quiet.

Anonymous said...

While I agree with the items you put in each of these categories, there are some things that I feel are sort of in between LDD & sexual discipline. If I do something that is just on the edge of breaking a rule & my husband gives me a look as if to say "you better watch yourself", I might feel a combination of 1. arousal at his dominance 2. desire to please him 3. desire to correct my behavior for the benefit of myself, our marriage, etc. I think the first 2, and maybe even the 3rd, are also typical of sexual discipline relationships. I'm still trying to work out exactly the differences when there isn't extreme physical punishment & humiliation at play, which I have no interest in.

swl1 said...

Hi Anonymous,

So long as you aren't actively replacing true discipline with a form of 'play' style BDSM, and from what you say, you clearly aren't, I honestly wouldn't waste time and energy in trying to "separate" your sexual and non sexual feelings in what is after all just one part of a loving adult intimate relationship.

Provided that the mindset during discipline is kept focused where it should be (and in my experience that's not difficult at all) and DD is achieving what you as a couple need and want it to achieve, why on earth should it matter that there happens to be an added side benefit in the form of increased sexual closeness? Let's face it, even if you sometimes choose to 'reconnect' sexually after the discipline is over, it's impossible for that to distract from something that is already in the past and over and done with.

Personally I think that people worry too much about appearances and what they think they *should* be feeling, when their energy would be much better spent in enjoying *all* the benefits that a DD relationship can bring.

James said...

I find swl1's comment to reflect very mature and realistic advice. The Anonymous poster above seems to have herself all tied up in knots because she has a variety of feelings about her husband giving her a look even though none of the them are a problem within a marriage. If both partners feel something is healthy for the marriage, don't worry how you fit within one outside label or another.

James said...

I think that this topic is very important, and I like what is on the lists. However, I think the title of the post should really be "Dos and Do Nots for the HOH." I also think the Not DD list might be subdivided between, practices which you don't think should be labelled DD practices (but may not be absolutely wrong) such as use of hand cuffs, and practices which should not be done by any husband such as punishing without consent and most of the first several items on this list.

My objective in making this comment is not to nitpick, but to make the message clear to your many many readers.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 11th 5:03 PM) - I get the impression you're not entirely happy with your marriage, and I'm terribly sorry to hear that. I give you a lot of credit for expressing to your husband that you're not comfortable with some of his punishments. As difficult as it may be to do that, it's important your husband understand how you're feeling with all aspects of DD so he can modify the way you both practice it in a way that best suits your marriage. Hopefully after hearing about your unhappiness, your husband will take the necessary measures to correct the issues and make things right in your marriage.

Hang in there. I hope you know you'll find plenty of support here, and in the network if you ever want to join. I hope things work out for you in the end. I wish you the very best of luck.

@Anonymous (November 12th 8:11 PM) - There's nothing wrong with getting stimulated by aspects of DD practices. I think I've made my stance clear on discipline vs. sex and how the two shouldn't be mixed in punishment situations (which is a conviction I still stand by), but that isn't implying that intimacy within a DD marriage won't improve or be enhanced by practicing DD. I'm simply saying that I don't feel any sexual acts should be mixed with punishments. There's a fine line there perhaps, but I agree with swl1 when she said the following:

"So long as you aren't actively replacing true discipline with a form of 'play' style BDSM, and from what you say, you clearly aren't, I honestly wouldn't waste time and energy in trying to "separate" your sexual and non sexual feelings in what is after all just one part of a loving adult intimate relationship."

Increased intimacy and a stronger emotional bond are definitely two perks of practicing Domestic Discipline. You'll drive yourself crazy with this conflict you're having, and I agree with swl1 again when she says, "Why on earth should it matter that there happens to be an added side benefit in the form of increased sexual closeness?" It doesn't matter, and if it works best for you and your marriage, then go with it. The ultimate goal here is to find happiness and harmony. If it makes you happy, then you should do it. Just my opinion, of course.

Good luck to you!

@swl1 - Thank you so much for your wonderful input. I agree with you. I appreciate you contributing your thoughts on the matter. I've found your comments very helpful, and I'm sure others have as well. Thank you.

@James - I considered entitling the post something else, but in the end I felt the title I went with was best. It could have easily been titled "Dos and Do Nots for the HOH". Either way people look at it, I hope they find it helpful/useful. Thank you for your feedback. All the best to you, James.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hello Clint,

Welcome back from your trip. I hope you and Chelsea had a relaxing time away. I don't know if you remember but I posted a while back and described a situation where my HOH used the "C" word during a discipline session. I wanted to stop our entire DD relationship as it was having the opposite effect on our marriage; I felt like we were being driven further apart, not closer together. Soon after, I discovered your blog. It gave me renewed hope that we might be able to work things out.

I told my husband about your blog and I encouraged him to take a look at it. He read your blog at length and told me he was impressed and he also told me he now understood what I was looking for in a DD relationship. As a result of your blog, our communication has improved immensely. We now discuss things more calmly and rationally with one another.

Much to my surprise, he had some questions for you that he wanted clarified. He wrote a post to you in the Discipline Spankings vs. Erotic Spankings section on November 10, 2011 10:46pm. It was extremely long, separated into 5 posts with the 5th post being signed Anon.

Unfortunately, you didn't have an opportunity to respond to him. I don't know if it was overlooked or simply too long to address all of his questions. I asked him to send you another post (a shorter one), but he said he would wait for you to respond to his original ones when you had an opportunity to do so.

We are at a crossroads at the moment. If you have an opportunity after the holiday, I would greatly appreciate it if you would take a look at his posts and address some of his questions. It is my hope that your responses to his questions with aid us in continuing to move forward in working out the kinks of this DD lifestyle we both want. We just need to be on the same page at the same time.

Many thanks Clint.

M

xoxmellyxox said...

Hi Clint. I have read several of your posts and now I have made my own blog because I want to share my stories. Feel free to follow me please.
I love this post. You said it good. I think another good thing for people to know is DD is NOT sexual. I have heard of couples using erotic spankings and then being sexual for punishment amd calling it DD.
I look forward to reading more posts from you and hearing more tips. Although I think I might regret telling my partner about the silent spankings because now he wants to buy the cream for when I have a more extreme offense and he cant punish right away (we have a 7 month old baby so sometimes this can be hard) LOL

Talk to you soon!
Melly

Clint said...

@M - I'm so happy to hear that things are improving for you in your marriage! That's obviously wonderful, and if my blog aided in that then I'm thrilled to have helped you two. :)

I've responded to all of your husbands questions. I apologize for the late response to them. They weren't overlooked - I've simply had a lot going on recently and haven't had the time to respond. But, I've now responded to them and I hope you both find the answers helpful.

Good luck with getting on the same page with your spouse and let me know if either of you have any more questions.

All the best.

@Melly - Welcome to the blogosphere! I'm now a proud follower of your blog and I look forward to reading your future posts. Thank you for reading and supporting my blog.

Best of luck to you in the future, and congratulations on the little one!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Clint,

Thank you so much for responding to my husband's posts. I very much appreciate the lengths to which you went to answer all of his questions. We have essentially started over. We are going to go over the list of rules together over the next couple of days, come to some agreements, and move forward from there.

Thanks again for your continued support. I'll keep you posted.

M

SmS photography said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Clint said...

@M - It was my pleasure, M. It's nice to know my time with all of this is appreciated. I wish you and your husband nothing but the best.

Take care.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I am wondering why you say whips, crops, gags and physical restraint cannot be used. Are you saying if a husband uses a belt and holds his wife firmly during a punishment while she bites a pillow, they have somehow crossed and invisible DD line?

Clint said...

@Anonymous (December 7th 11:37 AM) - Whips, crops, gags, and physical restraint aren't necessary in correcting behaviors when far less "extreme" measures will achieve the desired results.

No, I'm not saying that if a husband uses a belt and holds his wife firmly during a punishment while she bites a pillow they have somehow crossed an invisible DD line.

All the best to you.

-- Clint

Molded By Him said...

Clint, I'm afraid. My fiancee is interested in this and has asked me to read your blog. I am in a dominant role (Sr. Vice President) at work and I do my best to leave it there. I respect and love my husband-to-be immensely and I do want to be a good and loving partner for him. But I don't wish to be punished when I'm still learning how to switch gears. I need a little time when I get home to shift my thoughts and sometimes I have been rude to him. I apologize immediately and I do feel bad. We do not live together, we are setting up our house together now, but I live in our home to be, he lives in his apartment. We are trying to stay chaste until we are married and that's another whole issue. But I guess it boils down to I'm afraid of being spanked and for something I think I don't deserve. For example, if I have been rude, he simply looks at me and says "Dear, I see you are not yourself and I'm disappointed. We will not being going out tonight for dinner. We'll stay in and talk together to see if you can center yourself." At that point, I'm already crying and asking for his forgiveness. And I'm truly sorry. I almost want to just ask him; please just leave me alone for 15 minutes when I walk in the door; allow me to go to our bedroom and get myself into what I call my "home space" - I just feel that's selfish but 15 minutes would probably keep my tongue from being as naughty as it has been.

Sorry for such a long comment.

Clint said...

@Molded By Him - Well first, I certainly don't want you to be afraid of this lifestyle. Obviously I'm a strong advocate for this lifestyle, I believe in it wholeheartedly, and I feel it can help any relationship if done correctly. Spankings can be scary, but once you understand and experience the ENTIRE spanking dynamic first hand, you'll then see why so many of us prefer this lifestyle.

Whether you know it or not, you're already practicing DD. When he takes away something you want (going out to dinner), that constitutes a consequence to a behavior exhibited by you and there you have it - that's DD. A behavior (rudeness) yielded a consequence (no going out to dinner). You just aren't spanking yet, from the sound of it.

Spanking is so much more than a few painful strikes on the buttocks. I think you're focusing a bit too much on that aspect of it - which is understandable - but that's really just scratching the surface of what a spanking experience is/can be. I may be wrong, but it appears from your comment that you feel a bit of guilt from some of your actions, and you feel remorseful for them. A spanking helps these feelings to go away, and spanking is a means to an "emotional cleansing" that can be very liberating. Carrying an emotional burden, even if it's a small burden, can be exhausting. A spanking can lift that burden right off your shoulders and give you both a fresh start. It's a wonderful feeling for both partners.

If you need 15 minutes after work to collect yourself at home, then pitch that idea to your husband. I don't see anything wrong with that at all, but I'm not your husband. If you need time to unwind after work, and it helps you with your marriage dynamic, then who wouldn't agree to that? I'd talk to your husband about that and see if it's something you both can agree to doing.

If you feel you don't deserve a spanking for something, I encourage you to discuss your point of view with your husband-to-be, but in the end it's his decision and you have to be willing to accept and support his decision. That's part of the female's "role" within this lifestyle (not trying to sound like a chauvinistic jerk..I don't know how else to say it). This is where trust comes into play, and enhancing that trust. If you trust your husband with the decisions, and you ultimately see positive results from his decisions, your trust in him will grow. That's what this is all about.

I may have gone off in a different direction there and I apologize for the lengthy response. I understand you're nervous about spanking, but if you have an open mind to all the potential benefits long term from it, you'll understand why your fiancee wants this in your relationship.

Good luck to you guys, and congratulations on the engagement! You two will be great together. I just have a feeling on that. :)

All the best.

-- Clint

Molded By Him said...

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful answer. I am going to pray some more on this and let Him show me the way. I have committed to this relationship and I did chat with my Love. I asked for quiet time when I came home, just to change clothes and say a quick prayer that I was blessed to have such a loving partner. My Love suggested that after I change to call him and we could pray together, then a soft hug. That sounded wonderful. With him at the head, I know my life will be better. He loves me, just me and wants what is good for me. I love him. Thank you, Clint. God bless.

Clint said...

@Molded By Him - You're most welcome. I enjoy your blog, and I wish you and your spouse the best of luck as you two journey into this lifestyle. I'm confident in saying it will improve many aspects of your marriage if you both commit to it.

Good luck, and all the best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hello,
My husband and I are beginning this type of lifestyle. There is one behavior I want help with, but I am not sure if DD can be used to help. This behavior affects my health, causes me to hate myself, and it causes me to snap at my family. It keeps me from doing things with my family. It is my weight. Can this ,DD, help? I have tried to lose weight before, and I will do good for awhile, but then I lose steam. The doctor says 35lbs. would be good. I was just wondering what you thought. My husband thinks it will work. I am not so sure, I really want to be healthy, could my husband's reinforcement be the push I need?

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous
I would like to offer my opinion on this subject. First of all let me say we joined this network the beginning of January and have practiced this lifestyle for over a year. One of my prob. was weight. We had a rule if I did not lose one pound a week there were consequences. Since Aug. I have lost 40 pounds. That of course is after I gained 5pounds through the holidays. I would also like to add you MUST be willing to allow your husband to take this control and that is not always easy. However with commitment I truely believe this can help.

Good luck in all future endeavours.
Clint, thanks for allowing me to give my opinion. I hope it was helpful.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 2-12 have u had any consequences or was just the threat enough? Also, is your husband overweight at all?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your story. It is really encouraging. I am willing to give him all control. At this point I hate food. Thinking about it, worring about it. Many times I am eating and I am not even hungry. Everyone knows how being overweight affects health, but I have other problems that really make it unhealthy. I have already been in the hospital twice because of it. Would you be willing to share a little of how your husband encouraged you? Thank you so much.

Also thank you for this site, it has been really helpful.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 12:50 - Unfortunately yes there have been consequences for not meeting this rule. Also for your second question my husband is not over weight.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 1:09 - Knowing the fact that my husband loves me unconditionally is encouragement enough. However he displays this and tells me this daily. There are also rewards for when goals are met. I am glad that you found encouragement in what I said. I cannot explain how much better my marriage is since we have incorporated this lifestyle. I also encourage you to join the network if you can. The people are very supportive, and friendly.

Anonymous said...

New to this. What if I think my wife likes the punishment. Punish her one day, she repeats behavior the next day. Acts like a child, only child will try not to repeat behavior. What if she just likes to get hit? She brought this whole thing up, she just doesn't change bad behavior, maybe its even worse.
Advice?

Clint said...

@Anonymous (March 3rd 10:45 PM) - You're asking, "what if she just likes to get hit?", and I want to preface my response to your question by saying that I have two very different definitions between hitting and spanking. I'll address both, since I'm not sure exactly what you're referring to.

If your wife enjoys getting hit, I would recommend you seek the counsel of a local therapist in your area for the both of you. I'd imagine there are some underlying emotional issues she has yet to fully come to terms with, and they need to be addressed and dealt with as soon as possible. If you're hitting your spouse in an uncontrolled, violent manner, then I'd suggest you look into anger management and work with your therapist to get your anger under control. This is an extremely unhealthy and toxic situation for you both to be in, and professional help in your area is the way to go.

If your wife enjoys getting spanked, then a couple of things may be happening. 1) - She may be aroused by it, or 2) you may not be spanking hard enough. If she's aroused by it, I'd consider spanking over some light clothing or underwear as opposed to bare bottomed, and I'd look into using a different spanking position that isn't so sexually suggestive.

If you're currently spanking at the beginner level and are not seeing the results you desire, then I'd consider spanking a bit harder, or moving up to the intermediate level if you are comfortable doing so. It's important that the wife feel remorse for her actions after the spanking and typically that requires spanking her to the point of crying. It sounds harsh, but crying is necessary to get the full correcting effect of a spanking, particularly long term correction.

I hope this helps you out and welcome to the lifestyle! I'm confident you'll see great results once you find what will work best for you both.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I found your blog a few days ago after my fiance and I decided to delve into the world of DD. He brought it up causally in reference to his ex-wife and how she liked it for the erotic aspect. However, he truly did not love her so he was disciplining her at her prompting when she would brat to purposefully receive spankings. It always led to sex for them.

He had received several subconscious cues from me that I was a submissive women...or that I at least wanted to be submissive to a dominant man. I had mentioned that in my first marriage of 14 years that I was able to walk all over my husband, that he was a mouse and that as a result the traditional roles were switched. I had asked my husband to take a more leadership role in our marriage, but it just did not work out that way.

So, I realized that I really want a dominant, loving male in my life as my life partner. K is the one for me. I think that he was a little surprised that I was open to a DD relationship with him when he brought it up. Pleasantly surprised.

We are still going over the boundaries and rules for our DD relationship and have found your blog to be extremely insightful.

We have two punishment spankings already...one of them being for a major lie that I had told him and confessed to this week. The lie happened months ago but once we started our DD relationship I felt the need to come clean with him so there was nothing in the way. We jumped straight into intermediate level spanking due to the severity of my disobedience. He was so good to me...lecturing me, spanking me and then comforting me after. And...we felt to close to each other and I know that we have made the right choice for us.

Unfortunately, the next day I tried to soothe my rear with some cream after he had instructed me that this was not allowed...so I received a second spanking for my disobedience.

I respect him more already and feel infinite love for him. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves, adores and cherishes me more than anything in our lives. This is a truly biblical relationship that we have together and I would not want to have this any other way. The discipline hurts...I don't like that part, but I recognize that it is necessary to break me of my controlling nature and allow myself to be in his total control. After all, he loves me so much that I know he only wants to best for me.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (June 3rd 10:31 AM) - I love your comment, and I thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's so refreshing to hear testimonials like this. It just reaffirms and strengthens my already strong belief in Domestic Discipline. When done correctly and with the appropriate intentions behind it, the sky is the limit as to how happy a marriage can truly become.

It's sounds like you and your husband are well on your way. Keep up the good work with the lifestyle. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

so the husband doesn't get punished for his slip-ups? only the wife gets punished but the man does not?

Christina said...

Anon - Here are a couple of links on the topic of the HoH screwing up. The simple answer to your question is no, he doesn't GET punished the same way the wife does, unless the DD couple has an arrangement to that effect.

Most, if not all DD men, who are committed to this type of relationship end up improving their own behaviour, in an effort to be a good leader and lead by example and without hypocrisy. They are accountable to their wives in the sense that they love them, live with them, want their respect etc but most DD wives don't carry out spankings or punishments towards their husbands.

Chelsea wrote an article on this topic at http://learningdd.blogspot.ca/2011/06/womans-perspective-what-if-my-husband.html

I wrote an article on my blog here at http://redbootywoman.blogspot.ca/2012/04/when-my-hoh-husband-screws-up.html

Anonymous said...

Hi Anon, I think the following post on this blog will help answer your question: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/06/womans-perspective-what-if-my-husband.html

Clint said...

@Anonymous (June 5th 2:59 PM) - That is correct. Christina and the anonymous poster below her comment gave you the links I would have shared with you as well. I encourage you to read over those to have a better understanding of how the DD marriage dynamic works best.

All the best to you.

@Christina - Very well said. Thank you so much.

@Anonymous (June 5th 3:37 PM) - I was going to link to the same post. Thank you so much!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Clint. Thank you for opening my eyes to a whole new world of love and marriage.
I have always been a strong headed person and have a very sweet husband, but now I want to be submissive. Let him take the reins and obey him and his decisions. This seems to be the natural order of things. I love him very much, but would like him to spank me for being so pig headed. I know this will make me respect him much more.
I just don't know how to get him to realize how natural DD is. Men are born leaders and wives should honor,love and most of all obey their HOH. How do I get him interested in DD? Any hints would be appreciated.
PS- I totally understand why it is so important NOT to move, squirm or put hands in the way during a spanking. To do these things is to NOT be submissive, which a good wife should be. Is this correct?

Cat said...

@Anon 5.Nov 4:20p - You've started the journey of where to go to get your husband interested in DD with this page you are commenting on. Here is a link to an excellent post Clint wrote about approaching your husband: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/search/label/Getting%20The%20Husband%20On%20Board

Of course, the LDD Intersection posts located here: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-learning-domestic-discipline.html
break a lot of information into very useful sections and contains both of these links plus quite a few others. I would suggest that your husband read all of the posts listed under "I'm just curious about Domestic Discipline". Then if he has questions, he can ask Clint for clarification.

For most couples, the main reason for not moving, squirming or putting your hands in the way during a spanking is to keep the wife from being injured. As with any relationship, the rules/requirements should be tailored to suit the two of you and your relationship. Hope this answered your questions.

Good luck in your journey.
Cat

Anonymous said...

Thanks Cat for your answer!
We had a talk today and hubby is definitely interested now.
Sent him to the link and he liked it a lot!
So we are now moving slowly but surely forward to a better marriage.

Cat said...

@Anon 7.Nov 6:13am
Congrats on starting your journey. Slowly is definitely one of the key words along with communication, which I cannot stress enough. If you have questions or frustrations, there are some lovely ladies here in blogland, including Clint’s wife Chelsea, who have blogs where you can find support, advice, possibly situations similar to yours. Their links are listed in the blogroll on the right. Of course, you can always ask questions here – Clint is awesome in mentoring. Sending you best wishes for enhancing your marriage.

Blessings,
Cat

The Secretary said...

Hope you're not tired of seeing my secretarial notes on missed comments because here are a few more, Boss!

 
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