Monday, November 28, 2011

Commenter FAQs - Bump In The Road Edition

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  We answer a number of reader submitted questions about domestic discipline.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.


Patty said...

Thought provoking- trying to decide whether or not to send this one to Dev...

I love how you answer the questions. It's obvious you don't throw an answer out there to just be done with it.

Anonymous said...

hi Clint
My question is My husband spanked me the other day and has on other occasions over circustances I have no control over. Im a life flight paramedic and sometimes my shift will run over depending on the weather and when a call comes in. Yesterday I was scheduled to be off at 5pm and he made dinner plans for eight with his co workers was expecting me to be there. Unfortantly I did not get off til almost 7:30 and had did not get home from work til after 8. I got spanked for failing to follow through with a commitment and not being on time. Our rule is when we committ to something you follow through and be on time. He was also upset I didn't call even though I had no way to as we can use cell phones on a helicoptor. This is my dream job and I have been doing for the past six months and he supported it but now when I run late from work or like the other day I got spanked. I have told him feel he is being unfair. I cant control runs or calls. What is your advice on how to deal with this? Thanks Sara

Christina said...

The silent treatment answer is GooOOOoood!! Wow!

Anonymous said...

I spanked my wife the other day for being bratty and giving me the silent treatment after a spanking. She received another full spanking on her already sore bottom. Is this sometimes not a punishable offense?

anna said...

love the consistency answer. it means so much! I agree that DD is something that should not be entered lightly and should only be with someone you trust completely.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 11-29:

I, personally, am at a point in which if my husband spanked me for being distant and silent, I would start documenting.

I just went through a re-training session (our boot camp) which I have the unenviable privilege of going through after I have completed postpartum with each baby I have had so far. He really messed up, sorry, but he did, and he has lost my trust BIG TIME.

So if your wife is giving you the silent treatment and you spanked her for that, I think you have some apologizing to do yourself.

And if others are upset by my attitude, I'm sorry, but I am very, very angry with my HOH right now and he knows it. He has a lot to make up for. What he did was simply inexcusable.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Pooky - Thank you, and yes, I do my best to take every question seriously and give the best possible answer I can give. Hopefully they help a few people out there. :)

@Sara - First of all, I'd quickly like to thank you for your services that you do for people with your job. Folks in your field don't get enough thanks, and I want to express my gratitude for all you do. Thank you.

I agree with you 100% - this is completely unfair. It's not fair to punish for situations like this, where things are clearly completely out of your control. So I'm definitely in agreement with you. It sounds like you've already done what I would recommend which is discuss the situation with your spouse. It's unfortunate your husband isn't understanding the situation and punishing you anyway. Perhaps when you have an emergency call you can have a co-worker contact your husband to let him know you'll be late? This also is unfair to you and shouldn't be necessary, but if it's what you need to do then it may be an option for you. Outside of that there isn't much that can be done other than pounding the point home that circumstances arise with your job where it may throw your scheduling off at times to your husband. Why he isn't understanding that I really don't know, but he needs to come to terms with this otherwise this is going to be an issue as long as you're working.

Sorry I'm not more help on this situation. It's an unfortunate situation, but all you can really do is either A) keep talking to him until he understands, or B) find a new line of work which I would hate for you to have to do since you love your job so much. I'm sorry you're in this position, and I certainly hope you and your husband can work things out.

Best of luck.

@Christina - Thank you. :)

-- Clint

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (November 29th 9:02 AM) - I can understand punishing for the silent treatment in another circumstance, but punishing for it after a spanking will usually only make matters worse. In this instance she's been punished, and something during that punishment triggered this response from her, so it's best to find out what that trigger was and fix it. Punishing again generally isn't going to fix the problem.

If a husband were to come home from work and his wife is behaving in this manner for no apparent reason, then I can understand punishing for that. However, when the wife behaves in this manner immediately following a punishment, she's upset/bothered/angry with something that happened during the spanking, so it's best to talk it out in this particular situation. As you can see by the commenter above (November 29th 4:51 PM), punishing again will likely make things worse.

Best of luck to you moving forward.

@Anna - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the post! All the best to you.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I am new to DD. I am recently married (about 8) months. I signed a contract indicating that I would obey my husband and follow the household rules that I helped to create. I just did not realize how difficult it would be to turn control of certain things over to my husband. I was used to living on my own and not having to answer to anyone.

My husband is fair but very strict. He has stated that he is going to implement consequences for all infractions which will include spanking until he feels that I have made substantial improvement. I seem to be getting spanked at least once a day. My bottom is so sore but he has refused to lighten up. He has lectures me and explained that he will not change the rules simply because my bottom is sore.

After my third spanking within the last 48 hours he has decided to move from the beginner spanking to an intermediate one as he feels the beginner ones are not helping. The spankings really hurt but I cannot seem to stop breaking the rules as I am not used to rules. Do you think that this is the correct step to move to the next level spanking? And is it appropriate for him to keep spanking when my bottom is red and sore?

Anonymous said...

I am hoping that you can provide me with some advice. Should my husband be permitted to spank me for something that happened two weeks ago.

He was on a business trip and instructed me to come home directly after work while he was away because I was on restriction/punishment. I went out with my friends one night. He just found out this morning that this occurred. He call me at work to let me know that I would be receiving a SERIOUS spanking this evening.

He also said that I would receive a second spanking before bed because I came in that night at 2AM (I have to be in at midnight when I am permitted out). Last he told me that I was going to be on restriction for a week since I did not successfully complete my last restriction. I was scheduled to go to a party this weekend and now I am not permitted to go.

I think that all of these infractions should be rolled into one since they all surround the same incident. My husband feels that I broke three rules and need to be punished for all three. I am sorry that I lied to him and I know I need to accept what I have coming but I am scared it is going to hurt. Lying is a MAJOR offense in our home.

We have only done beginner spankings up until this point (and we follow your steps exactly). For the past six months we have done corner time and bedroom time. I only received my first spanking about 2 months ago (I had never been spanked in my life prior to that). In addition my husband had only used his hand to spank me up until 2 weeks ago. For the past two weeks he has used a leather strap.

My husband stated that I am not learning from the beginner spanking and tonight I will be receiving an intermediate spnaking. Do you feel this is too soon to move up? My husband said I could seek out advice but he doubted he would change his mind. He says that perhaps a more intense spanking will do the job.

Please let me know how you would handle this situation. Is it really going to hurt? My husband stated that we were going to use a wooden paddle that he just ordered. Is this worse than a strap? Any advice is appreciated.

-Sarah (I did not know how to post using my name so it is going to say anonymous. But I joined last night.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (November 29th 8:19 PM) - I completely understand that implementing this lifestyle can be very difficult at first. It's not something that is easy to get adjusted to for both spouses, but I hope you both are seeing positive results and stick with it. Although difficult at first, this lifestyle will only help in the long run, and I firmly stand behind that.

I assume you're using beginner level spankings currently, and spanking three times in an 48 hour period suggests you're not particularly worried about or fearful of spankings if you're behavior isn't improving. You didn't specify exactly how long you and your husband have been practicing, but typically after 2-3 months, couples move on to intermediate level spankings. From what I know about your situation, I do feel it's best for you both to move on to the intermediate level. Your husband shouldn't have to spank you that frequently.

If you're spanking at a beginner level, then spanking again while you're bottom is "red and sore" is fine. The initial spanking essentially acts as a warm up spanking. Where possible, I'd recommend your husband wait until you're fully recovered, BUT if the offense is serious enough to your husband that he feels he must spank as soon as possible, then spanking while you're sore is acceptable. I want to stress that I'm saying this under the assumption you're currently spanking at the beginner level.

I know you may feel as though you can't do anything right, but I promise you it's common to be punished rather frequently at first. Also, not every problem needs to be corrected at once. I'd start with the most pressing issues first, get them corrected, then move on to the less dangerous/detrimental issues afterward.

I hope this helps and good luck to you!

-- Clint

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Sarah - The only issue I have within your entire comment is where you said your husband called you at work to let you know you were being punished. That's obviously his choice, but I think it's unfair to you to receive that call at work, thus ruining the rest of your day at work. I would have waited until you were home, but that's just my personal opinion. Everything else in regards to how your husband has handled the situation I agree with.

To answer your first question - yes, I feel it's acceptable for your husband to punish for something that happened two weeks ago if he just found out within the past 24 hours. I'm not sure how your husband found out about your infractions, but in the future I'd recommend you tell your husband about your mistakes as soon as you can after they happen so he doesn't have to find out from some other source. I can't speak for your husband, obviously, but being an HoH myself, I would find that incredibly upsetting/disappointing.

Typically after 2-3 months of spanking at the beginner level I recommend couples move on to the intermediate level. Where you said you've been spanking for about two months, I don't feel it's too soon to move up. That's right on target in regards to the time frame I recommend couples escalate spanking to the intermediate level.

Yes, the spanking will be painful, but the pain is temporary. Where you're somewhat used to the beginner level, the intermediate level will be more intense for you. I understand you're scared of the spanking/pain, but unfortunately that part of the process is necessary to get the behaviors corrected. You don't seem overly motivated to improve your behavior with beginner level spankings, so I believe intermediate level spankings will help your particular situation quite a bit.

A wooden paddle is a little more intense (or "worse", as you put it) than a strap, yes. It's more dense, therefore the sting/pain from it is deeper and more long lasting.

I think I answered all your questions there. Don't be too scared, Sarah. A sore bottom for a few hours is a lot better than putting yourself in dangerous situations (staying out late, etc.) that could potentially lead to very serious problems in the future. Your husband has your best interest in mind. Just remember that.

I hope these answers helped you and good luck to you in the future.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Thanks Clint.
Yes we are still spanking at the beginner level. We had been using corner time and bedroom time for the few months. About two months ago my husband began to spank me with his hand. Two weeks ago he began using a strap and tonight I met the paddle. I would have loved for him to wait until I was recovered to spank again... but he is so strict and consisent with the rules. Plus I got caught in a major lie which really did not help. Im going to stick with it. Even with the physical pain I feel much closer to him.


Anonymous said...

What do I do if my wife is crying and holding onto me and begging me not to spank her when it comes time? I usually can't do it because I am afraid of traumatizing her more and her fear of a spanking just gets to me. I don't want her afraid of me. But she brought DD to me and I agreed to it but now it seems she can't take it.


Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Bryan - This is a terrific question, and I completely understand the hesitation you feel when the wife is so fearful of the spanking. It's not easy to proceed when she's so upset.

In a situation such as this, I recommend comforting her before the spanking, similar to how you would comfort after the spanking. It's okay to hug her and reassure her that she'll be just fine, and that you are in complete control of yourself and would not do anything to compromise her trust in you. I'd say things like, "everything will be just fine honey..", "we talked about why this is necessary and we both agreed this will really help..", "it's okay to be scared, but I promise you we can both get through this..", and things of that nature. This is a common situation, and there's nothing wrong with reassuring your wife that she'll "survive" the spanking, and in the end it will really help you both.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck. Fear just before a spanking isn't anything unusual or uncommon, but it's important she put complete trust in you so your marriage can grow within the DD lifestyle.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I think being afraid is just part and parcel of it all. I was afraid before DD, I'm afraid now and I suppose I'll be afraid until the day I die. But I think it depends on the personality of the two people. If a wife is having a very hard time standing up for herself and has a more timid nature to begin with, and the husband is, as Dr. Gary Chapman calls it, a "Dead Sea" whose main criteria is that certain chores are always done and has a bit of a temper, I think that it is part and parcel.

For me, a good day is a day in which he's not taking me to task for something I just couldn't get done, or my kids haven't made a mess I couldn't control or get cleaned up in time. I'm just glad if he keeps his distance and he certainly doesn't want me anywhere around, except to do chores. I am to be quiet, meek and respectful. He wouldn't notice me even if I was standing on my head in the corner.

I am sorry I am so negative, I am just really REALLY unhappy. I'm lonely too. Nobody told me that DD would just make what was already unhappy even more so, because not only am I lonely and unhappy, but I hurt, too. Somedays I am so sore it's hard to do much anything or I am just depressed because it's hard to get around from being all sore and bruised up and all I can see at the end is more...and more...and more...

When I feel really unhappy, I have a little "date night" just for myself. I dress up in something that makes me feel nice and then I do something special for myself. He never takes me anywhere. I'm having my sixth baby in March, so I guess he thinks I'm just too fat to go anywhere. But I am so lonely and I am so TIRED!

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous what your husband is doing is not DD it's abuse. If you feel this unhappy than it's not okay. I think you need to get away from him. I know this is scary but for your sake and the sake of your children you need to get away from this situation. It's not okay for your children to have a mom who feels this way. I personnaly suggest you leave and take your children with you. Then maybe you can figure something out for you and your husband of maybe you decide to life the rest of your life without him.

Because you deserve better than this..

Anonymous said...

@ anonymous - if your husband wouldn't notice if you stood on your head in the corner he probably isn't HoH material (my opinion, knowing only what you shared)and Denise2 is spot on with her advise.
My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers -

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (December 5th 12:07 PM) - I'm so terribly sorry to hear how unhappy you are in your marriage. Just based on your comment, it certainly doesn't sound like your husband is understanding exactly all that a DD relationship entails, and I hope things get better for you before they get worse.

With five children - soon to be six - I can't even imagine how difficult this is for you. There's an obvious disconnect between you and your spouse, and a clear breakdown of communication. If communicating with your husband isn't an option, then I'd highly recommend you seek a marriage counselor in your area/city for help. Obviously you're hurting, and I fear your children are being effected by this as well. I hope you look into the help options in your area.

I genuinely wish you the best of luck, and I hope things improve soon for you. Nobody should feel this way in their marriage. You deserve to be happy.

-- Clint

A Mom of 6 said...

My husband refuses to see a counselor, so I have gone alone. Several times my counselor has asked if he'd come, but he has always refused. I am working on a lot of steps right now, chief among them being to lay out clearly in writing what is and is not acceptable to me and telling him that I expect him to adhere to the conditions I have now set down.

I've also told him I won't allow him to speak to me in a certain level of voice (he is a yeller) and that I won't allow certain vocabulary words to be used as directed to me. I want him speaking to me quietly and always in appropriate choice of words. I have a list of words I've given him that I deem appropriate and he has to stick to that list. Any variation of that will be documented, just like any discipline right now will be documented. He isn't to touch me and he knows it. So far he's complied and all is well in the world. After Christmas/New Years we'll discuss what our next steps will be, whether we go our separate ways or if he's willing to work on his part of the problem.

It all came to a head not long ago when he imposed an inappropriate punishment. He is now going to pay and pay dearly. I have put up with enough for years, and I am very, VERY angry.

Clinical psychologist said...

To Bryan who has his crying wife clinging to his leg begging him not to spank her. I also am begging you not to spank her. This is not a little fear, this seems to be an extreme anxiety and should not be taken lightly. Please, I encourage you to find out more about what is behind her fear before proceeding any further.

High praise to the blogger on his consistent answer addressing humiliation questions. Humiliation is never good. It is far more destructive than any result from it is worth. In my profession I work with damages that humiliation has caused on a daily basis. Forcing a woman to be nude IS considered humiliation. If you could hear but one tearful woman tell you what it's like to be forced to remove her underwear you would never demand it again.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Clinical psychologist - Thank you for your kind words. I agree that forcing a woman, or anyone for that matter, to do something humiliating and/or demeaning in any way is not something that should ever be done. It isn't a constructive way to handle any particular situation. I appreciate you contributing your thoughts here in the comments.

All the best to you.

-- Clint

Yezabel R. said...

Hello Clint.
Your website has been very helpful to me (and indirectly my husband, too).
There is just one questiont that I cannot find an answer to anywhere on this site. Do these tips and recommendations apply to the husband as well as the wife?
Since in our family I am the HoH this is very important to us.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Yezabel R. - The intents and purposes of this blog are for male-led relationships and the majority of the posts are written in that context, however female-led relationships can incorporate the recommendations throughout the blog as well, if need be. I don't write in that context, but that isn't to say the recommendations would not benefit your relationship in some fashion. If you feel the recommendations would benefit your marriage dynamic, then by all means do what you feel would be in the best interest of you both. The blog and recommendations therein are to help DD relationships in any way possible.

Thank you for your comment/question. I wish you and your spouse the very best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Clint, first I wanted to thank you for your blog It has been a guide for me and my wife.

I have a question, my wife is currently giving me the silent treatment and I just don’t know how to fix it. After her spanking she completely shut down. Don’t miss understand me, she is respectful and speaks to me but I feel like a passing estranger that she is polite to. We haven’t been married long (1 year) and are at intermediate level spanking; it wasn’t her first time at this level but the first in months and with a severe tool. I have tried what you suggest on your post but she won’t tell me what is bothering her. I was the one that propose DD in our marriage and after a looooot of talk she agreed; she is such a great woman and she has always been a good girl – never in trouble and I just want to keep her that way. I know one person that could help is her sister, they are very close, but one of the rules for DD in our lives is that her family wouldn’t know, so she isn’t an option. My wife is scared that she will be a widow LOL…. No jokes, I seriously believe if my father in law, her twin brother, her older brother and sister knew I spank her they will kill me first and ask questions later, they are very protective of her as I am. Hence when it has been a week and everyday I feel she is more distant and upset I worry, I want to fix whatever is that is bothering and hurting her. Someone recommended I punish her to bring her closer and open up but, if this was the problem is it a good idea? She has not earned a spanking or any kind of punishment. Her maintenance spanking went well, as always; she didn’t object and took it well. She cried and let me hug her but I felt her withdrawal to me not the spanking. Maintenance are done once a week not to punishing level on the same day every week, we like the consistency and the fact that I will always follow trough. After maintenance we talk, cuddle, and do something nice together… she looooves movies; this was the first time I just got a hug, a thank you and a “if you don’t mind I will have an early night, I am tired” I just want my loving, cuddly, smiley wife back not this polite stranger. At this point should I give her more time…?

P.S. her twin brother realized she is giving me the silent treatment – he is way too familiar with the feeling on the receiving end – he told me not to let it last long and to apologize because knowing his sister, she will close up more and then start pushing me away completely.

Sorry for the long story and thanks for your help. for now i will give her time and keep confronting maybe she will open up

Dana said...


I won't try to speak from the position of an HOH as I'm not one. I am however a woman, when something has frightened or upset me, my first line of defense is to withdraw. I would suggest going over in your mind step by step the spanking that seems to have caused the breech. Something didn't go as it should. I don't know what that is, but she does. After you review it, have you considered scheduling a family time? And don't ask her what is wrong, simply tell her you know something is, and to stonewall and distance is not healthy. Offer her a safe "spank free" (provided it's done respectfully) zone to talk.

I don't know your wife, but I know for me, My HoH will give me a time frame to deal with what is hurting us. That doesn't mean dealing with it alone, that means sharing it so we can fix it. If I don't within that time frame, then I am spanked for disobedience and distancing and am given another time line. What he says that works for me is, "I know something is wrong, and I can't fix it, we can't deal with it, if you continue to withold yourself from me."

Anonymous said...

Dana, I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience and for the great advice. I took your suggestion at heart and talked to my wife regarding a family time – spank free to talk about what was bothering her. I am happy to say I have my loving wife back; I guess she just needed to know I will really listen and not feel attack with what she had to say. Since you shared your experience I will share mine.
We started with me asking if she was scared and felt any fear… I was worried when you said something may have frightened her. We talked a lot from pros and cons to DD to what was bothering her and how to handle if something like this happened again. I have to give it to you wifes out there; hearing that your partner is disappointed with your behavior feels awful. I used to laugh when my wife said the lecturing hurt as much as the spanking; now I know sometimes it does, and wuau does my wife knows how to lecture without been a formal lecture. One of the rules for us since we started dating - before DD was speak to one another respectfully, if you have to confront/discuss anything seek privacy, our relationship is ours and family and others do not need to be present in our conflicts. I guess that day was not only bad for my wife; it was bad for me as well. After not knowing where my wife was for 5 hours (when she had called to tell me she was on her way home and if I will get out of work early to spend some time together) I was beyond worried to think clearly once I had her in front of me. I didn't ask are you ok? Or is my nephew ok? (Reason why she disappeared, my nephew was taken to the ER with laundry detergent on his eyes—very scary) I just started in front of everyone in a pretty angry voice, almost yelling asking if she knew what she had done. If the hospital didn’t have a phone or a cell phone she could borrow to let me know what was happening? If she tough that running with a chicken head without thinking was responsible. Looking back I did not stop for a moment to realize my wife had the worst day of her life (she is as much mother to these kids as to their own mother, we have a room for them in our house) and that my approach wasn't helping. Now I remember her father saying to me we were just all so worried I think nobody was thinking straight and telling my wife, he was just worried about you.
My wife explained that at that moment she felt bad, because she realized she acted carelessly but was at the same mad at me because I broke our rule not only that but I put everyone in a situation where they felt uncomfortable. She described that she was torn, she knew why I had acted like that and that probably she will have acted the same, but it still hurt. I had yelled at her in front of her family, showed we do not respect one another and worst, she said even when she was mad at me she was madder at herself for putting me on that position. She told me she did not resent the punishment, she actually felt she deserved the spanking she got. She understood that I was worried about her.
I took Clint advice in what happens when the husband/HOH breaks the rules; I apologized and offer to make amendments. I wanted to do something nice for her… and asked if she wanted something in special – a really bad idea LOL. My wife is a salve driver; don’t get me wrong she didn’t ask for anything big – she just took me with her to her charity hands on work as extra help and made me move stuff around until my body ached (we were helping a single mom with new furniture and moving). The only thing I can say as she will probably read this is – “honey when we move, I am hiring a moving company for you to boss around, I love you but you can kill someone”. Thanks for all your help.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (August 19th 1:33 PM) - I would have given you very similar advice to what Dana gave you. It's all about communication in situations like this, and I'm glad you two have talked and worked things out. I'm so happy to hear it. :)

Thank you for reading and supporting LDD. Your support means a lot to me. I wish you the very best going forward.

@Dana - You gave wonderful advice and I appreciate it very much. It sounds like the man you helped does as well.

All the best, Dana.

-- Clint

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