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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Commenter FAQs - Spanking Edition


Image courtesy of Colorado Spankers.
We answer a number of reader submitted questions about spanking.  You can read this post on our new website by clicking here.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the great information. I have a question about 'being on the same page' with domestic discipline...

My husband and I are just starting out and are both on a learning curve. My husband is using the pink LDD book as his primary resource and I have been reading this and Knowing Your Roles. I realize that my husband and I are getting very different information and this is causing confusion and frustration.

I told my husband that the book is one man's philosophy of domestic discipline and isn't the sacred text of domestic discipline and asked that he read this blog. I think he heard 'you're doing it wrong' or 'I'm really in charge of this' or something similar.

So my question is...How do I question the source that my husband is relying on without being disrespectful or undermining his authority?

James said...

DD as defined on this site is consensual, and you are certainly entitled to review and discuss the pink LDD book with your husband. If you have problems with the teachings of the book, then point them out to your husband and discuss your concerns. Be ready to advance your own conceptions of DD, and point him to resources that you prefer such as Clint's blog or whatever. You should be able to bring out what is offensive in the LDD book without in any way being disrespectful or even critical of your husband. I think that there is a good chance that your husband will be able to see that there is a better way to start DD than follow the path set out by the infamous author of the LDD books.

I would emphasize the basic principle that while DD certainly requires a wife to act with respect toward her husband or suffer consequences, the wife is entitled to receive the respect of her husband as well. If your husband accepts this general principle and then reads and discusses the LDD book with you, I think he will conclude that the LDD book is not a good guide with which to start your life in DD.

swl1 said...

Hi Anonymous of November 18, 2011 8:51 AM.

There is wealth of varied information on DD available on the internet in the form of blogs, websites, articles and discussion forums, so what I would do is to research and collate a number of different viewpoints on each DD 'topic', print them out and offer them up for in depth discussion with your husband. That way he will hopefully see that there is no 'set' way to do things in DD and that the dynamic has to be tailored and adjusted to meets the needs, aims and limitations of each individual couple. At the same time, by offering him a variety of information from which to pick and choose, you avoid the situation whereby you are imposing your personal ideals and DD 'vision' too strongly onto the relationship.

I'm personally inclined to agree with James on the subject of The Loving DD book and erstwhile blog. While there is undoubtedly some 'good' information contained therein, I always felt that the author's overall perception of DD and its different facets were defined in somewhat rigid confines that made the wrong assumption that every woman reacts in exactly the same way to the same actions and therefore needs to be treated in the same way.

Anonymous said...

Much thanks to you both. From both of your responses, I feel that my concerns about the information in the book are, at least partially, valid.

@James - I asked for DD, husband thought about it for a while and agreed. From our conversations I know that he isn't comfortable with some of the information in the book but doesn't want to disappoint me so thinks that he needs to 'follow the manual'- maybe thinking something like...'I was uncomfortable with the idea of spanking her but am working through that, maybe I should ignore my discomfort and try ___(fill in the blank with one of the bad ideas in the book.')

@Clint - I love your suggestion to compare/contrast topic by topic and am going to get on that right away -

I can't thank you enough for putting your time and efforts into this blog -

swl1 said...

LOL. I think it was actually my suggestion that you "compare/contrast topic by topic" and I'm definitely not Clint!

Anonymous said...

my mistake - it was swl1 who gave the suggestion to compare/contrast - sorry 'bout that, credit where credit is due...great idea...simply doing a comparison/contrast of humiliate vs humble then randomly opening the LDD book and reading a random paragraph and labeling it humble or humiliate was enough to make my husband understand my concerns...and he shared many of them so it seems that we were closer than I thought to being on the same page :)
Thanks for your help

Anonymous said...

My husband and I are pretty new to things, but we are doing well so far. We have kids, so the consistancy thing can be an issue, but not for lack of trying...just for lack of time and having the appropriate time/place to address issues as they come up. But our communication is great and we are working within the craziness that is our life. My question pertains to the following: when we are together, it is easy for us both to know when a rule has been broken or if an attitude needs adjusting, etc. But we both work and therefore spend a significant amount of time apart. We only have a couple of rules established so far and they are such that he would know if one was broken whether he was there to witness it or not. But what about when I have acted in a way that I feel he probably wouldn't approve of, but isn't aware of because he wasn't there to witness it? Is it the husband's responsibility to ask his wife for an update or "report" every once in a while to see where things stand? Or is it the wife's responsibility to "fess up" whenever she feels a situation warrants it? We ran into this a few days ago...I lost my cool and felt a little guilty about how I acted so I told my husband, who listened and then decided that my response wasn't unreasonable at all. So I wasn't punished, but felt better just for having gotten it off of my chest. But now, the situation bothers me a bit...I feel like if this becomes a pattern I will begin to feel like I am in control of my discipline. Like I am saying, "I did x y or z...now what are you going to do about it?" I would never lie to my husband, and I don't have any problem with owning up to my mistakes, but I don't want this dynamic to turn into me always making that first move, you know? Maybe I am worrying over nothing (I have a habit of doing that), but I just thought I would throw this question out there to see how you and your wife or other couples deal with this issue. Thanks in advance.

swl1 said...

Have you thought of keeping a sort of "diary"? Not a regular thing that you *must* complete every day on pain of some kind of retribution, but a place where you write down your random thoughts about DD and all its various components. Your likes and dislikes, successes and less than successes, what worked well for you and what did not. What things you weren't sure whether to mention and how you felt if you did.

You could either share these written musings with your husband whenever he felt inclined to read them, or you use them as 'notes' in a regular 'no consequences' discussion and review with him somewhere like a coffee shop that is free of the distractions of home.

Lilly26 said...

Ok my husband and I have been trying DD off and on for a while now. It does not matter what position I'm in. If I'm wearing clothes or naked. How hard he hits me, If I cry. We both get extremely sexually aroused.

There is medical research that states that spanking a woman will sexually arouse her becaue the nerves are connected to the genitals. SO no matter what we do we both want sex after.

I understand your reasons for not doing that. But if we cannot find a way for it to not be sexual I don't see why we can't spank for punishment. Then have sex as a way to show eachother our love for one another. The spanking will still be a punishment spanking, one I have no control over and hurts like hell. I'm not aroused during the spanking. It's after that I start feeling aroused.

If you have any advice I'd appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

that wouls also be a hard question for me to ask

Anonymous said...

I don't know where to put this question, but since I saw the doctor question here I will leave it here and hope someone answers.
I don,t know anything about this lifestyle, except what I have been reading on here so far. My family recently found out that my brother and his wife have a CDD marriage. How we found out about this is because my brother hit his wife with a paddle and accidentally broke her tail bone.
Took her to the hospital for stays after a few days of not being able to sit and hurting every time she moved. She was honest with the doctor about what happened and the doctor said that he had an obligation to report this or he could lose his medical license. My sister in law was was shocked when she found her husband wasn,t allowed back in the room with her while a hospital admin., the doctor, and an on staff counselor talked with her. Pictures were taken, statements taken while the hospital admin. And a uniformed officer talked with my brother in a private family waiting area. Now my brother will forever be known as an wife abuser and it will forever be in my sister in laws medical records as to what happened.
Needless to say my parents do not understand this and are having a difficult time with this being spread around town. My father is handling it better than our mother (she gets all caught up in the what are people thinking of us). We do live in a rather small town, but personally I don't care what is being said. I just think my brother, THEIR SON, needs our support right now and NOT their condemnation!
My question is this, if my brother and wife have a written consensual contract between them, how is any of this allowed to happen? Isn't the point of the signed contract to be able to protect yourself against just this sort of thing?

I guess I should have pointed out earlier that this was a complete accident. My brother adores my sister in law. He never meant to hit her so high on her buttocks, she (and this is according to her) moved as he was swinging downward and he could not pull back in time to stop.
I'm not by any means here trying to advocate what he is doing or why (i figure that his and his wife's business) but I know the type of man my brother is better than anyone. He is the most loving, caring, good Christian man I know. He is deserving of the bad rep he is now getting.

Sorry, I'm rambling, but I wish to understand how this could happen? I know he is hurting right now and is really embarrassed by the whole incident. What, if anything, can I do to help him?

Anonymous said...

Person who posted about broken tail bone.

I'm do sorry this is happening to your brother and his wife. Personally If that happened to me I would have told the doctor that my husband and I 'enjoy' spanking and we had a slip. Its not a complete lie bevause they do enjoy what DD brings to their marriage. And that would at least not make it less likely for people to say abuse. For some reason people can cope with enjoying spanking more than women wanting to obey. Good luck to you and your family.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (January 8th 10:22 AM) and @Anonymous (January 9th 8:10 PM) - Bringing it up to a doctor is never easy, and can definitely be awkward. I completely understand that.

I would recommend asking about pressure rather than using the term "spank" when talking to your doctor about it. Like, "Doctor, is there any risk to the pregnancy if pressure is put on my body?" I don't think you'd have to be specific. That could mean exercising, that could mean erotic foreplay, that could mean you like to play a little rough with your dogs..that could mean anything. It wouldn't hurt to ask your doctor how "protected" (for lack of a better term) your baby is. I don't think you need to come right out and say, "so yeah..my husband spanks me, and I was wondering...", I would just hint at it like I suggested and take his feedback and apply it to how you and your husband practice DD.

Fortunately for my wife and I, we're very good friends with an outstanding doctor (who practices DD), so it was easy for us. Obviously not everyone is that lucky, but I'd approach it in the manner I've described and work with your doctor's feedback.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Anonymous (January 10th 8:14 AM) - I understand this is a very unfortunate situation, but I commend your brother and sister-in-law for their honesty, and for standing up for what they believe in. Not many couples are willing to do that nowadays, so they deserve a lot of respect, in my opinion. I've never met them, obviously, but they already have my respect. It's unfortunate how people so easily jump to the wrong conclusions, but that's just the way things have evolved in society, I suppose. It's pretty sad. Anyway, I'm not going to get into my thoughts on that.

There's no doubt in my mind this was totally accidental. Given the way you speak of him, it sounds like your brother is a good man, and a good person. I feel bad for him now that his reputation has been compromised over this. He spanked his wife a little too high on her buttocks which resulted in a cracked tailbone. It shouldn't have happened, but accidents happen sometimes.

It would be impossible for me to pinpoint exactly how word got out. Medical incidents and records should be protected under client confidentiality agreements of the institutions. I doubt it was the medical facility that leaked the information. My guess, and it's just a guess, is that the police report was overheard or uncovered somehow, and in a small town like yours, that's all it takes. People have things like police scanners and a lot of police activity is public record, so I'd imagine someone caught wind of what happened, jumped to the wrong conclusion, told all their friends, and it spread like a wildfire from there. Things don't stay under wraps for long in a small town and a society where social media dominates the landscape.

The best advice I can give you is to be totally supportive to your brother and sister-in-law in this situation. Be there for them, and encourage them to continue standing up for what they believe in. Although you may not fully understand it, DD is a loving practice and is always done consensually. Your brother and his wife don't deserve what they're getting. I feel terrible for your family.

I don't know if this makes you feel better about things, but those are my thoughts on the situation. I hope everything works out for the best. I, like you, much prefer the opinions of my family over random people in town, so I would make it a priority to repair those relationships first if they were damaged in any way over this incident.

Good luck to you and your family.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1-10@ 3:55

Thank you so much for your kind response. I was both very emotional and scared to death last Monday, so I appreciate your reaching out.

I hear you on 'how to best answer questions by medical staff'. I must admit i was a little upset with her about just blurting out the truth. However, if you knew my sister in law (she is the daughter of a Baptist minister and one of the best women of faith that I have ever known) being totally honest comes as natural to her as breathing. Also, she knew CDD was socially not accepted, but had no clue it was considered a crime. Apparently there is a written law in our state of NC, since 1874, that says a man can not in any way physically chastise his wife.
I don't know if this is most states or all states but it is against the law here.

Ironic that as it turned out, there is nothing that can be done for a fractured tail bone. She was put on pain medication for a few days until it heals, but could have avoided the x-rays all together had they known. Lot of lessons to learn from this.

Thanks again.
jennifer

I don't know how to answer without anonymous coming up. You must need an account or something I am guessing.

Anonymous said...

Clint,

Thank you as well for taking the time to respond with constructive feedback and advice.

You may very well be correct about the police scanners. However, we also know some of the staff at our hospital. There are techs and an R.N. that I went to high school with and a receptionist and R.N. that are my brothers age. Although, we don't know any of the e.r. Staff word does get around the hospital. Our family does not hold any animosity towards the medical personnel or the officers. They were simply doing the job that they are paid to do, and had this been a real case of abuse (and I guess by law it was) anyone would certainly be appreciative of their intervention.
I still worry about my brother. He is not the same easy going, self assured man that he was to weeks ago. It is difficult to see him brought to his knees. Although we know now that most likely charges against him will be dropped soon. I guess these type cases are difficult without the cooperation of the wife and the state and county don't want to waste time and money on a lost cause. However, they do want to try and scare you to death to believe that they will as a deterrent from future dv incidents. I can understand this too. Although, I suppose this could backfire and cause an abuser not to seek medical care for his spouse when needed. Just food for thought.
Although, I am sure that DD is meant to be a loving practice and that many good things can and do come from it. I still have concerns about many of the things I have read . Not all on this
site. I read everything I could possibly consume in a three day time frame. So, I learned a good bit. Some of it good, some of it not so good. Of course, I realize you, nor the Christian sites I
visited,
can control what others do or write on your blogs. My sister in law assures me that they
practice in the most loving way possible. Knowing how much he loves her and she him, and
how caring and loving he is with her, I have to believe this is true. I think, at least based on your
thoughts and answers here, that you really do practice in as safe and loving a manner as if
possible. You actually remind me a bit of my brother. Although, I think you might punish
frequently than he. This was my sister in laws 11th spanking (I hate this word though) in almost
five years of having a CDD marriage. She had not been punished in 11 months before this
incident. So, obviously I'm not too worried about him being a sadist hiding out in the CDD
lifestyle as some have suggested.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about that .... I have to stop when my children come into the room.

As you can guess we have heard lots of personal opinions on this, when what we really needed was constructive information and knowledge. So for this web site we are so grateful. I hope that your intentions for this blog were to educate and advise. This seems to be what you are doing on here. After this incident, I can assure you that ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance leads to fear, prejudice and judgement. So I hope everyone, wether they agree or disagree with your forum, can at least appreciate that you put so much time and effort into this blog. For every time you advise or educate someone about this lifestyle, I feel there is less room for error. If people are going to practice this, then I'm glad they have a place to go for learning a loving, responsible, and safe way to go about it.

Jennifer

P.S. Oops, forgot to tell you how your wife's written piece 'fearing punishment' helped bring some comfort to my s.i.l.'s mom. She shared with me that one of her biggest concerns was that her daughter lived in a home where she must walk on eggshells waiting in fear for her husband to punish her for some mistake. I had thought of this too, but assured myself that I had not seen anything that made me believe that she was afraid of my brother or lived in fear. My s.i.l.is my best friend and I am at their home a lot.
However, I remembered reading Chelsea's blog last weekend and shared it with her. She later sent me an e-mail and said that her words, along with the responses of the other wives, went along way in calming some of the concerns she was having.

Anonymous said...

Is this a common thing to happen? I am new to DD
and we have just moved from hand spanking to paddle
spanking.
I am wondering how hard is too hard to hit?
Because this had to be a really hard hit I would think
to fracture a bone.
Or was this an advanced spanking?

Clint said...

@Jennifer - Your comments were very respectful and constructive, and I thank you so much for that.

Your brother's situation is definitely not an easy one to be in, but as you said, there are a lot of things to be taken from the experience, both positive and negative. While things may be a little difficult now, I believe your brother will go back to being the person you know him to be with time and the "dust will settle" so to speak on the entire situation. It's unfortunate people don't fully understand the purpose and intent behind this lifestyle, nor have the intent of learning about it with an open mind, but that's just how it goes sometimes. Even those of us in the DD community (including myself) learn more and more about the lifestyle each day, and the purpose of this blog is most definitely to help those who don't understand/agree with it gain a little knowledge on the subject. Perhaps it's helped, perhaps it hasn't - but I appreciate you acknowledging all the time and effort both my wife and I put into our blogs and can at least see that this lifestyle makes a lot of marriages happier.

I showed my wife your comment as well, and she's thrilled that you enjoyed her post on fearing a spanking. She's a great writer and she gives a unique perspective on all things DD It's nice to know she's appreciated as well. Thank you.

Good luck with everything. I wish you and your family all the best in moving past this unfortunate situation you're all going through.

@Anonymous (January 18th 4:22 PM) - I wouldn't say this is a common thing, but it can happen if the spanking is done too high on the buttocks (close to the lower back and tailbone area).

One would have to strike pretty hard to crack a tailbone. Throughout the blog I recommend husbands use about 1/2 their full strength when striking the buttocks. Depending on how the spanking is conducted it can be done a little harder than that, but that's the generally recommendation. It's tough to say how hard is too hard since every woman is different, but I'd never recommend striking with full force. That, in my opinion, is too hard.

I don't know if that answered your questions or not, but that's my perspective on your comment. All the best to you going forward.

-- Clint

Penny said...

I really do not see the harm in having sex after a punishment spanking. We almost always do. After all, the punishment is over, and the husband kissing and consoling his wife is right and appropriate. Why not then do what comes naturally? It also seems to me that a sore bottom, so close to the genital area, has a stimulating effect. It certainly does on me, and my husband is quite aware of this and makes love to me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Clint-

I would never dream of not being respectful. I learned a long time ago that judgement is best left to God. I have my hands full just making sure that I am leading my best life. I really don't have the time (nor the right) to look after anyone elses.

My brother and his wife are getting on with their life and CDD marriage, as well as raising their two precious boys. I see signs of his former humor and happiness coming back slowly but surely. So, your insight of "once the dust settles" seems to have been a correct one.

Thanks again, and please keep writing your blog.

Jennifer

Clint said...

There was an anonymous poster asking my wife and I some questions within their comment that requested I not publish the comment publicly. I'm happy to honor that request. To that anonymous poster, we're happy to answer your questions if you'd like to contact us via my wife's email at knowingyourroles@gmail.com.

Thank you.

-- Clint

 
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