Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Corner Time Escalations

Image courtesy of Inmagine.
  We outline a number of escalations for couples to consider when conducting the corner time punishment.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.


xoxmellyxox said...

Great post! I know first hand that escalating corner time to hands on head aswell or forhead on wall are both effective ways to keep the thought on the reason you were put there and/or refrain from turning around. It really does work. Thankfully I know (but from experience) that if I don't cooperate that my HOH will turn it to these so I just cooperate lol.

Anonymous said...

If I get corner time in the middle of a spanking (typically this happens only for very serious offenses) any of the escalators you mention will result in my bending over in the corner for additional correction...and THEN resuming the spanking that the corner time was provided for.

Be well,

Anonymous said...

I become furious when my husband puts me in a corner. I manage to hide it reasonably well, but it incenses me. Pretty much everything he does incenses me. I often am standing there dreaming of thwacking him over the head with something -- anything.

But when I was a teenager I participated in a number of plays with a youth theatre, and that is coming in handy -- you can be furiously angry without showing it. Acting lessons are useful. :-)

Just about everything, for me, is humiliating and demeaning. We are at an impasse in which I harbor incredible rage against him. When it gets too much to contain I make some excuse that I need to go for a run or a long, long walk....which helps immensely, and is a healthy way to get rid of all of it! :-)

There was a time formerly when I would stew and I would get angry at my kids for no good reason, eat a lot, keep old newspapers for the express purpose of tearing them to bits when it got to be too much to handle. I still keep old newspapers to vent on, but going out for a run is MUCH better and I actually feel euphoric after a good long run or walk. All the exercise experts are quite correct.

I don't think he realizes that I actually feel this way so frequently, but if he does at least he is content -- I am quiet about it. We are very polite. Formerly my anger would bubble over, with many undesirable consequences for me, but now I can bottle it pretty well. Maybe he knows when I tell him I need to go for a run that I am blowing off the rage, maybe not. Don't know.

The main and most important lesson of DD -- STAY QUIET. Do NOT cross your husband. You'll be much better off.

Anonymous said...

I'm the same commenter from the above...and have also made a few other comments at times.

Right now I would like advice; here goes:

I get really resentful and angry frequently, as you know from the above. I get particularly angry when it's Sunday after church. The thing is this: I have a system for getting things done on Sundays, as they are very busy days for us. My older children can manage themselves in the mornings, but my little guys and the baby need to be dressed, baby needs to be changed, etc. I do this before my husband gets up as he likes everyone ready to go when he is ready.

After everyone is dressed or set to doing so for themselves depending on the age, I do the prep for breakfast so I have everything ready to go the minute we get back from church - mix up pancake batter, get an egg casserole mixed up, whatever I have planned for that day. Then off we go. We have a long day with services then classes for the older children. The time while the older kids are having classes is the highlight of Sunday, because I can visit with people over some coffee while we wait for them. My husband socializes with a group of men; I occasionally get lucky and find someone to chat with while keeping an eye on a rambunctious toddler. There are other Moms with rambunctious toddlers as well. :-) We understand one another!

Okay, so home we go, get breakfast on table, we eat, I clean up. Put little people down for a nap, then head off to deal with laundry, get Sunday dinner started, sweep up the floor after breakfast and then sit down to look over a homeschool schedule for the next week. He watches television usually during football season -- my ears are ringing with NFL-induced tinnitus. (I might mention I am NOT a football fan. I tolerate it. I am the New York Philharmonic on Live from Lincoln Center on PBS type.

Anyway, he also is GREAT with the kids. Very important for me to mention that. They are his entire world and he is devoted to them. He spends a great deal of Sunday interacting with them, playing catch with the boys, reading to the toddler who is just starting to fall in love with books, you name it. He's a great Dad.

The problem I'm having is that invariably every Sunday I end up getting myself in serious trouble. I deeply and bitterly resent never being somewhere on his list. He is always asking me how things are going and then when I tell him anything, he interrupts me to lecture me on why I shouldn't be upset about something, or how to do something better, or why what I'm doing isn't working and I need to do it another way. I've learned that what I must do in this instance is immediately close my mouth, listen to what he is saying and say, "Yes, sir."

Then after that I am ignored.

I bitterly resent that he ignores me. Usually it festers extremely badly when I see him with our kids and spending time with them. I actually feel jealous of the kids, which is just awful, as no good mother is jealous of her children. Sometimes it gets so bad I have to leave the house, I just can't handle it anymore.

A couple times I neglected some chores because I wanted to get his attention that I was angry. I got his attention all right, in all the wrong ways. I tried to tell him I resented the fact that I just wasn't a priority, and that didn't fly.

So, can anybody give me strategies on how to better handle this? I need to find contentment and I'm just not getting to that point. Communication with him is futile, and I know that, and I want to find some inner peace regarding this. I am tired of looking at my children and feeling jealous; I am tired of looking at my husband and feeling angry.

I'm talking to some people I know and respect and am trying to incorporate their advice. But so far it's just not working for me, I'm struggling every day.

Anonymous said...

I can't offer advice concerning your husband other than to say he seems to be taking you for granted. What I want
ted to comment about is that I think you are doing a remarkable job of caring for your family. I think you need to also take care of yourself. Good for you for running since that gives you pleasure.

Anonymous said...

Your husband sounds like a total ass. My husband is an ass also. Why do men think that just because they go to work and make the money that they don't have to be responsible for anything else? Stay at home moms work just as hard if not harder then anyone with a job doesm only we don't get to clock out at 5 pm and we don't get any days off. Our job is 24/7. You know my husband has never changed one diaper in his life. Not one. He doesn't care that everyone thinks he is selfish. I don have any advice for u unfortunatley as my husband is a p.o.s. also. Thank God we do not practice dd. I can only imagine the horrible things that would happen if that tyrant was weilding a belt! Anyway, hang in there. You sound like a great mom. I will pray for you.

A Mom of 6 said...

Thanks, Anonymous. I have been anonymous also, but I am giving myself an anonymous moniker to help a little.

I have made the move to communicate in writing at last, with some things my husband has done that I cannot agree with. I have mentioned it already. But some punishments were used which I had already said I did not like. If your husband insists on them, then I recommend writing a letter and keeping a copy for yourself in which you state clearly exactly what is and what is not acceptable, and if he does not comply with the conditions, you will begin documenting. While I have not achieved a happy marriage with this method, I have at least laid my cards on the table very clearly and he knows I will not hesitate to seek legal action if he crosses the line.

I'm not going to force him to be close or be affectionate. But I will force him to stop humiliating me, for this I can and will control, and if he does not, I will proceed with what I need to maintain my dignity.

I do wish good luck to all those who have wonderful marriages for which this made a huge difference. I would like it to be so for me, also, but it simply has to work both ways. You've got to love your wife enough to know she is different -- not bad, but different. Men and women are different. We do things and think things differently. If you can't wrap your head around that basic fact, it's better to not even go there, I guess.

A Mom of 6 said...

I wouldn't refer to my husband that way, Anonymous 12/12. First of all, he makes a good living for us except that it needs stretching -- a lot of stretching -- which would be fine with me if we could communicate about it. We cannot do Christmases the way he wants to without some serious pinching and lost sleep on my part to get the bills paid at the end of the month. We could do a zoo membership for the children IF we make some other cuts.

I mentioned one time that a goose for Christmas would be neat sometime. He jumped on that and is expecting one now. Big mistake. That would consist of dropping $65 alone on that one item. I bought turkeys during the Thanksgiving sales and they are economical, plus I found his chestnuts that he makes his famous stuffing from -- they didn't have any at all for Thanksgiving, so we could do that now for Christmas.

But we cannot afford a goose. He gets a bonus at the end of the year and we need to use it to pay a part of what we owe the midwife for the new baby so we don't have it all looming over our heads, get a few presents for the kids (who have asked for nothing unreasonable; one only asked for a kite and our daughter asked for a homemade apron which I can do, it's just the matter of finding the time, and one has asked if he could have real bow and arrow -- weeeelll -- we'll have to think about that one. :-) I'm not sure he's mature enough to use such a gift responsibly.

But to call our husbands names is not constructive and we must not do that. Maintain dignity at all times. To simply go down to that level accomplishes nothing and reduces our status in the eyes of our children. My husband does diapers in emergencies. He cannot stand cloth diapers, which I use because they are a lot cheaper. They really aren't that hard to do, by the way; inexpensive and not too much extra work when you have a washing machine these days. But I digress.

I'm just hoping we can get through Christmas without going into debt. We almost had our electricity cut off in the middle of summer in the incredible heat when the electric company jacks up the rates. I only saved it by payments of $20 here and there and pleading with them via a lot of phone calls to keep it on.

And as I said before, you just don't communicate with this man; he won't talk, loves to lecture, loves to yell and tell you it's all your fault, etc., etc. I'm going nuts. I would like a nice hiatus at a mental institution for Christmas, quite frankly -- that's a joke of course. :-)

Anonymous said...

The escalation we use is that I hold a quarter against the wall with my nose. The first time it falls I get a warning. If it falls a second time, I get spanked. This helps me stay focused and on-task.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Melly - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Thank you for sharing your experiences with these escalations. Cooperation is always a good thing. :)

@Amanda - Thank you for your comment, and thank you for sharing your experience with the readers of the blog. I wish you the best and happy holidays to you.

@Mom of 6 - You've made yourself clear on how unhappy you are in your marriage. I feel really bad for you. Your husband should read your comments. Have you expressed all of this to him? If my wife said all of the things you have said regarding your marriage, I would make a determined effort to show my wife more attention, affection, and love. It sounds like you're trying to get through to him by writing things down, but my goodness - something needs to change. As another commenter said, it sounds like your husband takes you for granted.

Have you tried any of the couples challenges here on the blog? Some of those exercises are designed to enhance communication and appreciation for your spouse. They may be helpful in your situation. I'd also consider getting away for a while - meaning doing something like taking the kids to your parents, spending a week or so there without your husband and giving him time to realize what he has in you and the kids. It's just a suggestion of course, but something like this can help him to not take you for granted.

It's clear something needs to change in your marriage if you want to be happy. Even though it may be extremely difficult to do, I think you both need to have a talk about this and get ALL feelings out on the table. Be honest about how you feel in all facets of the marriage and create a plan on how to address each issue constructively, one at a time. This will obviously take a significant amount of time to repair.

Best of luck to you going forward. You deserve to be happy.

@Anonymous (December 12th 6:22 PM) - Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I appreciate you taking the time to comment and giving readers another suggestion for their corner time punishments.

All the best to you all, and happy holidays!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

You mention that "escalations are for more experienced couples...who have practiced Domestic Discipline for several months, at the very least." But, if it's really working, shouldn't the need for/severity of disciplinary action decrease the further along a couple is with DD?

Quicksand said...

To mom of 6- I am curious how you and your husband started practicing DD. Yo u do not seem happy at all. I hope you know that any time you want to Withdraw your consent you may do so if it is not working for you. Legally he cannot continue to hit you. There is help out there if you need it. Best of luck to you.

Quicksand said...

To Clint- I don't if I missed it but I don't see a page on this blog addressing abuse. Someone living the DD lifestyle is more likely to be abused then someone who is not. Since this is a blog educating people I really think abuse needs to be addressed. Maybe you could include some domestic violence links as well. Good blog otherwise. I know you only advocate loving and consensual dd.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (December 17th 2:30 PM) - Yes, absolutely. These escalations are more about correcting problems within the corner time punishment itself (rubbing the bottom while in the corner, turning around while in the corner, leaving the corner, etc.) rather than the frequency of the punishment, but yes, you make a great point. Corner time is intended to address negative behaviors so they become less and less frequent over time.

Thank you for your comment! Happy holidays and all the best to you in the future.

@Quicksand - Thank you for the kind words about the blog. I'm glad you enjoy it!

I addressed the misconceptions of spanking vs. abuse in a previous entry, but perhaps elaborating on the issue is a good idea. Thank you for the suggestion. I'll keep it in mind for a future post.

Enjoy the holiday season! All the best to you.

-- Clint

A Mom of 6 said...

We started this because we had issues in our marriage. I was abused as a child and the result was that I was very afraid of authority and too meek for my own good. I was paralyzed when it came to making my needs known, and usually cowered in fear if anybody said "boo" to me. We thought it would help. It just made things worse. I only felt good when he was not around. I only usually feel okay when it's just my children or various friends -- I cannot have a close personal relationship with anyone without getting like this. And I have been to counseling, but could not afford to continue it.

I have been advised by a lot of people that this is really not the best place for me; that I would be better off finding a blog for domestic violence and abuse victims. So I may peek in from time to time, but I don't think there is a place for me here on these forums.

A Mom of 6 said...

Addendum: I only communicate with my husband in writing, never verbally. He is far more gifted than I in the art of defense and logical argumentation. Verbal communication is not possible without serious problems. I write letters instead, which he is free to read or not read as he chooses. He knows I am very unhappy and want out, but he does not care. The main issues are that I am to be silent and respectful, no nagging (nagging is defined as disagreeing with him and trying to drive the point home as to why I do).
I write him letters frequently, but he only actually sees about half of the letters -- the rest I usually destroy or keep, writing is a way to get it out. He would never read a blog on marriage or marriage improvement because he thinks it's just fine.
I'm only the wife, you see. :-) Anyway, thank you for making me feel welcome, and I may be changing gears here because, as has been mentioned in the past, I would really be better served perhaps by looking for a community of single mothers or abuse victims in order to take other steps with life.

Christina said...

Dear Mom of 6,

I know you've been posting on a few blogs, mine included, and please don't think that you're not welcome in a DD forum. What is concerning many people, some who have replied to you, is that you're obviously very unhappy. If the situation with your husband can't be resolved by talking to him or in joint counselling, I hope you will find a way to be safe and happy. You deserve both for yourself as a woman, but also for your children. They need to see a postive male-female relationship growing up to be secure. I know you've mentioned that your husband is a fantastic father, and that's wonderful! But if he isn't able or willing to meet your needs as his wife, then I hope you will find a way to create an environment for yourself and your children where your needs are met. Maybe that means seperating from him for awhile, I don't know.

I wish you all the best and encourage you to post on the blogs, when you feel you need an outlet.

Anonymous said...

Coming from the other side of the world, I am the happily submissive husband in a female led relationship, I spend a bit of time in the corner.

A couple of points: I spend my corner time naked in a not terribly warm spot. I spend my time pushing yesterday's panties into the corner with my nose. Usually, it is no more than ten minutes. However, it is very regular: pretty much every morning and certainly before each punishment session. I am scolded and then sent to my corner. Occasionally, my arms are bound behind my back.

I don't like it a bit but it certainly gives me a chance to consider my infractions or simply enjoy the fact the lady of the house cares so very deeply.

I am a lucky man.

Anonymous said...

I hate corner time. But I do understand. It's really never unfair. I just hate having to stand there thinking about what I did and then what to say afterward. My husband has me write a couple of pages afterward so that he knows that I know what the punishment was for. That it is not just for kicks...there was something I needed to learn. Trust me, the paper is good. I know what is next if it isn't!

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@amaninmyposition - Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm happy to hear that you and your spouse have found what works best for you both in your marriage.

I wish you the very best going forward.

@Anonymous (December 31st 3:20 AM) - Corner time certainly isn't a pleasant experience, but that's the point of it. It is a punishment after all, intended to help you learn from your mistakes. It sounds like you and your husband have found what works for you both, which is wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences here in the comments.

Best of luck to you!

-- Clint

SpankedWifeUK said...

Hi Clint,
Sorry to add more qs in here, not sure how you stay on top of this mountain!

My Q is this, My HOH says that he doesn't like the idea of corner time as he doesn't feel anything that could be deamed as humiliating would be appropriate to us.

What would your views be on this?

Anonymous said...

UK, Here's an idea. If he feels it humiliating, then let him decide not to use corner time. He's the one that is your husband.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@SpankedWifeUK - It's a big mountain, but I do what I can to get to everyone's comments as soon as possible. :)

The anonymous poster above put things rather bluntly, but I agree with him/her. The husband is the final decision maker in a DD marriage, so while offering your opinions and thoughts for him to consider when making the final decision on any given topic is recommended, in the end he is the one who decides if a particular punishment will or will not be a part of your marriage.

I hope this helps you out. Best of luck to you!

@Anonymous (April 6th 2:52 PM) - Thank you for offering your advice on the matter. I appreciate you taking the time to do so.

All the best to you both.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

What are your feelings on there always being corner time after a spanking?

I don't think there should be any after a spanking 'cause I can't walk and I am in a wheelchair and so I would have to sit on a sore bottom. Is this fair?

The Secretary said...

I hope you don't mind but I had nothing to do so I'm using my secretarial skills to go through your posts and remind you on what pages you have outstanding questions/comments to answer. The poor woman in this picture :(

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