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Saturday, December 17, 2011

Implementing New Rules


Image courtesy of listentech.com.
  We discuss how implementing new rules is a natural part of living the domestic discipline lifestyle.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.

21 comments:

Blondie said...

Great post! This makes total sense. And I am glad that it was addressed.

xoxmellyxox said...

Clint,
I really do agree with what you are saying. If it's something minor, talk about it, make it a rule, move forward. However if it's major something needs to be done to ensure it doesn't happen again. My HOH doesn't punish over small past things. We just talk and agree on a new rule. However if its drastic then he will talk it over with me to ensure I have an understanding why it is an issue, punish, make new rule and THEN move forward.
Melly

Clint said...

@Blondie - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the post. :)

@Melly - Exactly. Every couple is different, of course, but I feel that's the best way to handle these situations. Thank you for your comment!

Happy holidays and all the best to you both!

-- Clint

swl said...

I know this isn't quite what we are referring to here but I tend to think that people get a bit overenthusiastic about making formal 'rules' for all the petty things that don't really make much useful difference to the relationship and can become overcomplicated to 'police'. Most of the time these things are pretty obvious to both partners anyway and could probably be safely left to spontaneity. I've also never understood the need for rules in areas that have never been a problem in that particular relationship. For myself, if my husband felt he had to make a rule about my not hanging out in bars and drinking with other men, I would wonder whose problems we were dealing with since he knows perfectly well that it isn't something I would ever consider doing. On the other hand if he wanted to set a rule about my sleeping for so many hours a night, I might not like it but I would accept the necessity.

For me the same principles need to be applied to any rule or disciplinary action. If it's something you haven't talked about but it's blatantly obvious that she knew it was a "no no", then, yes he should explain it and let her talk, but he shouldn't be afraid to apply discipline based on his judgement and decision. However, if it's something totally new and out of the blue that she had no idea was objectionable to him maybe there should be flexibility and he should try to see it from her point of view.

Like most things in DD, it depends on the couple, the circumstances, the issue and how the whole dynamic works *for you*.

Ros

Stormy said...

Makes sense. I was punished for deception even though he never said "Dont ever start a secret blog and write it for nine months without telling me". It was clear enough to both of us that it was wrong and he dealt accordingly.

In general he doesn't make a new rule and then punish for the past though.

Stormy

SWL1 said...

Hi Stormy,

On the face of it, and obviously, I have no idea of the actual circumstances here, I would have an enormous problem if my husband wanted to punish me for keeping a "secret" blog. I see lots of reasons why there could be problems if you were sharing private incidents and thoughts about your relationship on a blog that could be read by anyone, but I would tend to put a 'secret' blog on a par with a journal or diary in which I recorded my private thoughts. I might be in a DD relationship, but I still feel I'm entitled to some privacy and to my own thoughts.

GMD said...

We have been practicing what we considered a alternative lifestyle for years until I started reading about Boot Camp. Upon ordering the ebook, and reading it several times, it made me look at the rules that my wife and I set up over 7 years ago. It was then that we realize we hadn't updated our rules and they needed to be revised to be current. We jokingly call ourselves OCD because we document everything because some people may think they see or hear something that they have no clue about and get involved and you know how some people can be, but by having new rules, in my opinion as HOH, is a way of keeping both parties safe..and having some generic rules to cover things that may come up but not covered helps to keep a happy home and my submissive bottom in great shape. This is what so great about DD...we all run our relationship how it best fits us. All are welcomed to follow our journey so stop on by...

Martinkh said...

My wife and I think that rules cannot be enforced with punishment until agreed to (or at least "demanded"). Not that I don't reserve the right to interpret, but that is a power that if abused, can lead to resentment.

Clint said...

@Ros - Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's always nice to get another point of view on different topics, and I thank you for taking the time to share yours.

@Stormy - Right. Things like that are difficult to address. Unforeseen issues sometimes arise along the way, and sometimes they need to be dealt with to ensure safety going forward. Thanks for your comment and I hope things worked out for the best for you and your spouse on that issue.

@GMD - It's always a good idea to revise the rules as time goes on. I hope you and your spouse found the boot camp book helpful. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, and I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

@Martinkh - You make a solid point. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm glad you and your wife have found what works best for you both. Good luck to you in the future.

All the best to you all.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have recently started a (sort of?) DD relationship, although he's awfully passive for it. I've got some special needs, and asked for his assistance in making sure I don't forget every day tasks, such as brushing teeth and eating, which I've been known to forget to do for days without reminder.

My problem is: This seems to fulfill a need in me that I wasn't even that aware that I had. I don't enjoy being punished, but I do feel loved, safe, and cared for afterward. But he feels so guilty and afraid of hurting me... that half the time it doesn't hurt less than 5 min later, and I can't let go of the guilt and self loathing from what I messed up. But at the same point, it feels terribly disrespectful to say "you ain't doin it right", even though... it feels like he's not doing it right, you know?

I don't know which is worse... me feeling guilt and self loathing for my mistakes, some of which are things that every self respecting adult woman should know how to do, (and yet I don't) or making him feel guilt and self loathing for causing me pain? It feels like a terrible catch 22. :(

Any advice?

Nelly

Anonymous said...

What about the children if they see their mother in the corner? WWhat do you tell tthem?

Anonymous said...

Okay I need advice. My wife and I have been practicing DD for a little over a year. It has been a good 6 months or more since my wife has done anything that could not be corrected with corner time. However, I left yesterday to do a job out of town and found out that she received a speeding ticket and did not tell me the next time I spoke with her. When I get home Thursday I would like to deal with this appropriately but not sure to what level I should take it.

Clint said...

@Nelly - I completely understand what you're saying. The truth is that your husband isn't completely spanking correctly if the pain is gone in a matter of 5 minutes, and if you're not feeling as though the problem is in the past after the spanking. As you may or may not have read in a few places on the blog, this is why I stress the importance of the wife crying during/after the spanking. The crying releases those emotions, so it's important that - as harsh as it may sound - your husband spank you to tears.

Does your husband know how you feel about this? You don't have to come right out and say, "You're doing this wrong.." to get the message across to him. I'd simply explain that you feel you aren't getting the full benefit from spanking (because you aren't) and you feel it would be best for him to increase the intensity of it. Make it more of a suggestion to him rather than a demand. I wouldn't suspect he would find that disrespectful - you're just giving feedback to him which he should take to heart. It's about communicating, and sometimes you have to be delicate with which words you choose, but I feel this would be the best solution to your problem. He needs to know you aren't getting all you can out of this, and it's his responsibility to make the necessary changes to improve upon the way in which spankings are conducted in your relationship.

Also, I would stress heavily to him that you WANT this. If he's feeling guilty for spanking you, then I'd recommend you do your part in making him feel comfortable with it by reassuring him, encouraging him, and assisting him (cooperating with the punishments, basically) to make this as easy as possible for him to do. Then afterward, let him know you appreciate his help in getting your issues fixed, and let him know that he did a good job with it (if he did). Reinforcement is always a good thing.

I hope this helps and best of luck to you, Nelly!

-- Clint

SWL1 said...

GMD - a question - I agree entirely that any system of rules needs to be reviewed regularly in line with the changing needs of the couple concerned. Often expectations and circumstances change and what was once an 'essential' rule becomes either unnecessary or unsuitable for its original purpose. Similarly, new needs may be identified as time goes on. However (depending of course on the nature of the "generic rules") where you say,

"and having some generic rules to cover things that may come up but not covered helps to keep a happy home and my submissive bottom in great shape"

don't you think there could be a danger of making a rule that wasn't really called for and which implied a lack of trust in and respect for your other half?

I'm thinking back to a situation I encountered a long time ago in which the HoH of a couple who were doing fairly well was advised by a well meaning friend that he needed the up the ante and impose rules intended to cover any possibility. As a result he introduced a whole string of rules that were concerned with things his wife already did willingly of her own volition or would never dream of doing. She was very upset to find that he considered it necessary to have a 'rule' telling her not to associate with other men; that, although she had taken pleasure from the beginning of their marriage in always dressing in the way he preferred, he suddenly felt he had to have a new rule telling her to do so; that she had always been careful with money and had considered it a courtesy to consult with him about any large expenditure, but he now wanted to impose a 'limit' as if she has been in the habit of wasting money.

The end result of all this was a break in the trust and connection and respect between them that took a very long time to repair.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (January 1st 8:38 PM) - If children see their mother in the corner, I recommend parents be truthful about the situation. There doesn't need to be a lot of detail, but I would say something like, "You know how you get corner time/time out when you do something you know you shouldn't be doing? Well mommy does too so she can learn from her mistakes, just like you. That's how we all learn to be better people." Something along those lines. The age of the children obviously plays a part in this, but I think you get the general idea. I certainly wouldn't insult children's intelligence by lying to them.

It's not an easy situation, but the truth is always the best way to go, in my opinion.

All the best to you in the future.

@Anonymous (January 2nd 8:28 AM) - I just read you returned home on Thursday and I'm responding to you on Friday, so I hope I'm not too late.

Every HoH will have an opinion on how serious of an offense speeding is, but personally I feel it's a rather serious offense considering all the risks involved. Tickets, fines, risking damage to property, and worst of all - risking lives. I would recommend spanking for something like this, however I cannot make that decision for you. How you punish is up to you, but for something with so many risks involved and something that really can't happen again, I would recommend spanking.

Good luck with this situation. I hope everything works out for you both.

-- Clint

SWL1 said...

Clint said: "Anonymous (January 1st 8:38 PM) - If children see their mother in the corner, I recommend parents be truthful about the situation. There doesn't need to be a lot of detail, but I would say something like, "You know how you get corner time/time out when you do something you know you shouldn't be doing? Well mommy does too so she can learn from her mistakes, just like you. That's how we all learn to be better people." Something along those lines. The age of the children obviously plays a part in this, but I think you get the general idea. I certainly wouldn't insult children's intelligence by lying to them.

It's not an easy situation, but the truth is always the best way to go, in my opinion."

May I comment on this?

I personally think that, for various reasons, it is extremely important that children DO NOT see their mother either in a corner or being physically disciplined. In fact, I don't even think that an HoH should verbally dress down his wife in an obvious way about the breakage of a rule in front of their children.

There are a number of reasons for this. The first is that children will not usually have the capability or knowledge to discern between a consensual adult arrangement and the way they are themselves disciplined. For them this will effectively bring the woman who is necessarily going to be in sole authority over them for at least part of the time, down to the same level as them in the family hierarchy. While she might not be the person in charge overall, she is still the 'second in command' and needs to have their respect as the parent.

Secondly a child who has too much information without the maturity to deal with that may misuse it. If a child is aware that his or her mother is subject to certain 'rules' and consequences, he or she may take it upon him or herself to try to use that against his/her mother in matters that should be strictly between his/her parents.

Worse than that, children tend to perceive as 'normal' anything that happens within their own homes. This means that they will usually be open to other people about anything they see or hear therein. The problem with that is that *we* see as 'normal' isn't seen as normal by present day society. If a child were to report to his/her friend or teacher that he/she had seen his/her mother being punished by being made to stand in a corner, or worse, by being spanked, it would not only be seen as inappropriate by most people, it could also be a source of public humiliation for her and possibly a the of the loss of her husband's reputation. It's also not inconceivable that if a teacher or person in authority heard of such a thing, they would make the assumption that abuse was present in the home and that this might extend to the children.

I don't suggest that anyone lies to their children outright, but I do suggest that they do everything possible to avoid being put in a compromising position in the first place. If it is possible to be discreet and private about making love, then it is surely possible to exercise discipline privately away from the prying eyes of others. Why do corner time in a public room when it can just as easily be done in bedroom, a bathroom, or another private place?

Ros

Clint said...

@Ros - You make a lot of wonderful points in your comment and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts on this topic. Your opinion is always appreciated.

All the best to you, Ros.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I have a few questions, my husband is reluctant to pursue a DD relationship, he can't stand the thought of hurting me. I really need his help in improving myself. i have tried to improve without assistance, but nothing is working. I want to be neater, more on top of my schooling,(I like to other things instead of my school work, sometimes)also I have a very foul mouth and he has gotten very mad at me for being disrespectful. I have a tendency to leave my socks on the floor and he has told me hundreds of times to put them in the basket. He also hates that if I am suppose to do something like take out the trash while he is gone and a don't for a week, (the trash goes in a trash bin at the end of the driveway when we tie off the full bags, i leave them piling outside next to the outside trash can) also can be very disrespectful to him by mouthing off to him in front of company among other things.
Anybody can answer the more the better.
what can i do to get him on board and what kind of punishments should I be getting?
what kind of petty rules can I benefit from?
Should every spanking be followed up with another? or just the severe punishments. let me know what you would do in your relationships.
I can decide if i agree or not but getting others perspectives is what I'm looking for.
Thank you so much for anything that you can offer.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (February 7th 7:20 PM) - I commend you for taking the initiative on improving yourself, or at least having the desire to do so. That's wonderful. :)

I wrote an entire post on working with your husband to get him on board with DD. You can read it by copying and pasting this link into your browser:

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html

What punishments you get are to be determined by your husband, and typically vary from behavior to behavior. It wouldn't be my place to say what punishments you receive for what behaviors. Those things need to be determined by your husband.

What rules you can benefit from is another thing that is to be determined by your husband. Every marriage and every wife is different. What may work for one couple may not work for another. It would be impossible to say exactly what rules you would benefit from. Since you wanted some feedback, and simply just going off of your comment, I think a good starting point would be working on respect and doing something to address the procrastination problem you seem to have. But again, those type of things are completely up to your husband.

I don't necessarily think every spanking should be followed up with another. Not every behavior requires a spanking. Couples can address multiple behaviors with many different punishment options. All of that should be discussed with one another when setting the rules, expectations, and consequences within the marriage.

You're asking very case specific questions that are difficult to answer. You have to find what will work best for YOUR marriage and address your specific problems in you and your husband's own personal way.

Sorry I'm not much help, but your questions are hard to answer. I wish you luck in finding what will work for you both in your marriage.

All the best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Clint, I was wondering if you punish for back-talk. My wife has been giving more attitude and back-talk in the last week to the point where my patience is up. I've warned her about respect and also about the rules. I've also asked if there was anything I am doing to make her behave that way. She says there isn't and gives me attitude. Whether she is having a bad day or what, she should not behave that way - that is one of our rules. I haven't punished for it yet but will if it happens one more time - she was given her last warning. My question is what type of punishment would you recommend or wuld you yourself implement - i need ideas and suggestions which I will then decide which to take. Thanks, Robby

Clint said...

@Robby - I can definitely understand your frustration with the back talking issue. I commend you for handling it so well up to this point by giving her a chance to correct it herself before taking action and talking to her about the rules. A lot of men don't do that and should, so kudos to you for doing that aspect of everything appropriately and correctly.

I would recommend starting with corner time, and escalating there as needed for this issue. I wouldn't immediately jump right to spanking for it, however, I WOULD let her know that if she cannot get the back talking under control after corner time, it will escalate into a spanking if the problem persists.

I hope this helps you out. Best of luck to you in getting this issue resolved.

-- Clint

 
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