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Posted in: Spanking Punishment
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11 years ago
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Advanced Level Spankings
Posted in: Spanking Punishment
Posted in: Spanking Punishment
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146 comments:
What behaviors would warrant this type of spanking?
@Anonymous - Any unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental behavior. Which specific behaviors and the extent of the consequent spanking are variables determined by the head of the household.
-- Clint
I was surprised to find a blog so close to how we practice Dd. Only a few minor differences. Rubbing is the biggest one. I do keep it to a minimum but it is allowed. Why? If I feel the need to give my backside a rub, he knows he spanked hard enough and long enough to leave a lasting impression. A different way of doing things. Maybe not better but no less effective. I definitely know I have been punished and don’t want to repeat the experience.
I’ll check back for updates. I would love to see what you post in the future.
God Bless
Missie
@Little Missie - Thank you for the comment. Throughout this blog I recommend against rubbing the buttocks after a spanking, but IF the wife handled herself well throughout the process, I can see rubbing it. However with that said, I still wouldn't recommend doing so until at LEAST an hour after the spanking. Ultimately this is up to the head of the household, so whatever works best for your specific marriage is what you should ultimately do. As long as the unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental behavior isn't repeated, then I say go with it.
-- Clint
On this issue we must simply agree to disagree. The punishment is in the lecture, time out and spanking. When the punishment is done all is forgiven. A sore bottom is a constant reminder of the transgression and the results of my poor judgment. A quick rub does little to ease the sting. It gives him an indicator. He knows how long and how bad my bottom stings. Corner time is a different issue. It is a continuation of the punishment and no rubbing should be allowed.
If I repeat the behavior, the punishment steps up a level. 15-20 swats is all it has ever taken for my HOH to see the change he wanted to see. I’m a softy. I hope my Dragon never finds it necessary to increase the severity.
to each his own. I enjoy your blog. I see things from a different POV.
God bless
Missie
Clint do you always use this strict step by step process when you administer a punishment to your own wife? It sounds like a very good outline, however I think I may become less effective in the long run if the wife gets used to a set process. For example you recommend an exact number of strikes give or take 5 for each step, and how hard they should be. My concern would be in the long run since she would know exactly what was coming she would be less inclined to focus on her punishment and learning her lesson from it, and the focus would shift to her just focusing on getting through it and awaiting the end. When I punish my wife I tend to not have a set number of strikes going into it, and even if I do I keep it to myself in my head and I don't let her know. For the same reason I don't ever have her count strokes. no, "nine, thank you sir, may I have another please, Ten, thank you..." I want her to focus on taking her punishment and accepting whatever I decide it should be. This is how she can demonstrate to me that she has learned her lesson. Once she has taken several strkes in a row properly (the proper position, staying quiet, no squirmming) I know she has learned her lesson and the punishment can wind down. I just want her to concentrate on each stroke and know that each stroke has a chance to be the last one if she obeys and does it properly.
When was the last time you had to punish (spank) your wife Chelsea? What was her infraction? What level of spanking did you use, was it effective?
@Anonymous - You make a great point, and I agree with you to a certain extent. You have to remember that this blog is only a shade over two months old, and you're talking as though you've been practicing DD for years. That's great, but the point of this blog is to help couples understand DD and help couples get started in a fashion that I know is effective. I don't want to get too ahead of ourselves. There's no rush with any of this. Marriage is forever. Couples have plenty of time to learn about DD and grow together within a DD relationship.
Yes, over time, the exact same method of spanking will lose it's effectiveness. There are degrees to spanking based on the severity of the offense. That's why, throughout the explanations, I give general guidelines when it comes to the number of strikes, the strength of the strikes, etc. as a frame of reference. Spankings can be lighter or heavier based on the severity of the offense, and they should be. I agree with you on that point.
With all due respect to you, my wife and are choose not to get into our specifics on a public forum, and therefore I'd rather not answer your personal questions about the last time I spanked my wife and what it was for. That really isn't necessary to share with everyone. I will say, however, that the last time I spanked my wife was effective in getting the behavior corrected.
-- Clint
I'm trying to follow this information (good information though and helpful) so my question is this - how many of these breaks are you recommending if you're going from start to finish for something serious?
My wife when I try to escort her to the room runs away from me?And when I try to comfort her pushes me away and starts hitting me every where , do I grab her arms and pull her next to me?And she also runs out of her room during the time I leave her in there.Do I keep spanking her?And can you do the diaper punishment to?
My wife always runs away during comforting time do i do another punishment or go and comfort after she runs away cause she usually will?
@Anonymous (7:15 PM) - Two breaks is all that is necessary on this advanced level spanking. Two breaks are all I recommend from start to finish.
@Anonymous (7:22 PM) - No, don't do anything forcefully with your wife like grab her arms and pull her next to you. If she's being defiant at any point, I recommend bedroom time until she calms down, then spanking for the original offense, and spanking a second time the following day for the "hitting [you] everywhere", or blatant disrespect as I would call it. Exiting the room during bedroom time falls under that blatant disrespect. Correct one issue at a time. You have to get your wife to cooperate before doing anything else. That behavior, quite frankly, is absurd.
I apologize, but I'm not familiar with the "diaper punishment." In fact, I don't even want to know what it is so please don't tell me. It doesn't sound appropriate at all.
@Anonymous (7:27 PM) - I would recommend you calm her down and get to the bottom of why she's responding the way she is. Something is not right. Worry about figuring that out before you punish. She's terrified of something more than just the punishment.
-- Clint
Thank Goodness! Someone with some sense who doesn't want to hear about all of the nasty, freaky things that other people think up! I get so sick of reading about absurd forms of punishment written by people who seem to be doing nothing more than gratifying a fetish. The same goes for those who want to hear about the spanking experiences of others.
I am not sure advanced level spankings will ever be a part of our relationship (we are just starting and find them to be a bit extreme sounding), but we have learned a lot from your blog and appreciate the level-headed advice that you and your wife offer. Thank you!
@Anonymous - Thank you so much for your comment, and your kind words. I got a little fed up with the misinformation and exploitation of Domestic Discipline myself, which is the reason this blog exists at all. No disrespect to other bloggers, but it appeared to me as though there wasn't a reliable, respectable source of DD information out there, so I figured I'd just start my own blog. I'm glad you appreciate it, and thank you so much for reading and showing Learning Domestic Discipline your support.
-- Clint
I understand you do not want to put any information in your blog that is very personal, and you dont like to give alot of "detail" on certian subjects.
I do hope you can give a specific example of when this level of spanking would be used. In my opinion it would have to be extreamly serious infraction as this sounds to be an extreamly serious spanking. Even if its a hypothetical example I am interested in your honest opinion of when you would feel this level is appropriate.
@Anonymous - Sure, I understand what you're saying and I'm happy to give some examples.
There are two ways to look at this:
1) Experience - Based on experience, a couple could spank in this manner every time they spank, and adjust the severity of it based on how the wife handled the problem. For instance, a couple that has practiced for two years and is comfortable with spankings could spank like this each time, while a couple only practicing for 6 months would spank in the manner described on my "Intermediate Level Spankings" post until they're comfortable escalating it up to this severity each time. So with this first option, specific behaviors wouldn't be relevant since the spankings are always done the same way.
2) Severity of the offense - This appears to be the way you look at it, which is fine. There's no right or wrong option between these two options. Whichever works best for your marriage is the one you should do. So, hypothetically, I would spank in this manner for anything that would be considered life-threatening or a serious threat to the marriage. Things that absolutely CANNOT happen again. Offenses like not wearing a seatbelt, texting while driving, excessive spending (digging a financial hole that would take months to get out of), partying/excessive drinking, flirting with/dating someone else, etc. All of those things are either a) life-threatening, or b) could destroy the marriage. And I've seen that happen. So it's best to spank for them once severely so they NEVER happen again. Your wife's buttocks being sore for a few hours is much better than her being dead after a car accident because she couldn't wait to tell her friends how great the new Harry Potter movie was via text message. I think you probably get the picture at this point.
Again, there is no right or wrong option here - you have to do the one that's best for your marriage.
-- Clint
Ok. Now I'm confused. You said 2 breaks is all that is needed from start to finish. But you said repeat the steps from Intermediate spanking level where there are 2 breaks also.
This is how I thought the advance level was supposed to go:
Warm up spanking. 2 minutes rubbing.
20 hits (give or take a few)
Rub 2 minutes.
Leave for 3 minutes.
20 hits (give or take)
2 minute rub
leave for 3 minutes
6-10 hits.
Thats 3 breaks...
Sorry I was thinking it was leaving after the warm up.
@Tink - My recommendations are exactly as you've outlined. That's correct as far as how I recommend they be done.
I should certainly clarify this, as I can now see how this could be confusing.
I said two breaks through the whole thing meaning the two breaks between the sets of swats AFTER the warm up spanking. These two breaks advise the husband to leave the room for a brief time.
There is also a break between the warm up and the first set of strikes, which is about two minutes of rubbing BUT the husband does not leave the room.
So yes, technically there are three total breaks in the WHOLE process start to finish. I should have clarified that earlier, and I didn't. I apologize to you, and anyone else that may have been confused, for the confusion. Thank you for catching that.
All the best.
-- Clint
Hi there, I stumbled accross this interesting blogg. My husband and I have been in what we call our 'taken in hand' way of life, or as you say DD for abotu 8 months now and it's wonderful. I do however find your strict methods very intreging. When my husband punishes me, he does so in one swoop, over the knee, bare hand, and as hard or as long as he deems necesary. I find the step-by-step approach that you suggest bizare and not at all natural, it would seem to me to be fake if we were to do it. Thanks for the blogg though, it's great.
@Charlie1986 - Thank you so much for the kind words about the blog, and thank you for your comment as well.
The spanking process is broken down in steps on the blog to help correct the behaviors long term. Fixing the psychology aspect and the thought process BEHIND the actions themselves are what get the behaviors corrected long term and yield better long term results. They way I describe punishments be administered on the blog aren't for everyone, and I understand and respect that. It sounds like you and your husband have a particular way of conducting spankings, and if they're effective and helpful to your marriage, then that's wonderful.
All the best to you, Charlie1986.
-- Clint
Hi Clint -
I'm really enjoying reading your blog. My wife and I have been in a DD relationship for years and we read your blog readily. It is nice to know that others practice DD like we do - without any of the sexual... eccentricities. A question you haven't addressed which I would like to hear your opinion on - what do you feel about having your wife count the paddles?
Thanks and keep up the good work,
Jim
@Jim - Thank you so much. It's always great to hear that people enjoy reading the blog, and hopefully find it helpful/useful for their marriage.
My personal opinion on having the wife count the paddles or strikes during a spanking is this - I'm not a strong advocate for it. In my opinion, if the wife does this, she won't be focused on her mistake and how to correct it as much. Granted, she's thinking mostly about the pain on her bottom more than anything else, but I still would rather the wife not count so she's not losing focus. Also, if you start with a set number of strikes and have her count them out, I think all she's doing is looking forward to the end of the spanking session and not really getting the full effect of all the spanking is intended to do. That's why I recommend an APPROXIMATE number of strikes during a spanking throughout the blog. I feel it shouldn't be a set number every single time, however it should be in a certain range to get the desired results.
I hope that answer made sense, and again, it is just my opinion. If you or another couple find it beneficial to have the wife count the number of strikes, then I say go with it. Do whatever is best for your situation and marriage.
All the best.
-- Clint
Hi Clint -
Thanks for the rapid response. I must say this is a debate my wife and I have been having for quite a while now. I must say I agree with you - I don't like my wife to know how many spanks she will be getting because she will think only about how much more she will have to "endure" (i.e only three more...) as opposed to what she has done to earn the punishment in the first place. My wife counters that the unknown makes her nervous about her punishment and that she is what thinking (i.e. how many more?) - she also feels that counting will make us both
accountable to a set number of swats.
While I understand her point, I ultimately feel that I don't want to be held accountable for a specific number. Like you, I adjust the number of spanks based on how my wife is behaving during her punishment. We have been doing this long enough for me to be able to tell when she needs some more correction both before and during the spanking and I would like to be able to behave accordingly. Similarly, I know when she is more repentant and needs less correction.
In the end I do not want to behave unfairly toward my wife and am conflicted about introducing counting into our routine. When my wife misbehaves I have her go to the bedroom so we can both reflect and cool down. afterward I have a set intensity of spanks in my head which I adjust as I described above. I try to talk to my wife during her discipline session so that she can see my thought process (i.e. "honey I can see that you really feel sorry about what you've done. I'm proud of how you're behaving" or alternatively "I feel like your resisting even though we both agree that you deserved this).
I feel like counting would limit an organic process, but my wife feels strongly the other way. Since I know this is important to her I thought I would ask you. As I said earlier, we both value your opinion.
Jim
@ Charlie
I think your comment helps bring out some very important distinctions in ways of thinking about husband/wife interaction. Neither way is necessarily more right, but they come from different places. The approach you speak about believes that a wife should feel a sense of spontaneous domination from her husband. You feel that the step by step approach lacks that type of surprise and drama. It does. It is intended to lack that drama. For you the focus is on the overall husband/wife dynamic, rather than specific actions of the wife.
Clint's approach is all about helping a wife improve herself. There is not supposed to be any sense of surprise. Everything is geared to helping the wife overcome troublesome traits. It is not about the husband overpowering the wife, it is about the husband helping the wife through strong means when necessary.
Your comment reflects that DD relationships can be successfully built on very different foundations. Clint's approach may not be right for you, but I think it is very well designed to accomplish its intended goals.
I am new to this whole blog thing so, on the other page under contact I wrote about the same thing. my wife suggested this life style to save our marriage so far it is working she admits her behavior and attitude are desrutpive. problem is she has a high pain thresh hold and cant cry so she never gets that release she says she so desperately needs. i dont want to hurt her or leave marks please help
@Jim - It sounds like we're on the same page with it comes to this idea. I feel exactly the same way as you have described you feel in your comment. I think it's best not to count for all the reasons we both mentioned.
Since you said your wife feels so strongly the other way, perhaps it would be beneficial for you to talk to her and have her give her reasons about WHY she thinks it would be helpful, then give your take on each reason she gives. Like any disagreement in a marriage - big or small - it's important to hear each other out and come to the best possible conclusion that would be in the best interest of the marriage, and one that you both can agree upon. Just an idea.
Best of luck to you, Jim.
-- Clint
@Anonymous - No problem about the double comment. I'll answer your question on this post, and delete the other one. I get an email alert directly to my phone each time a new comment is left, so I'll see it relatively quickly. I may not be able to respond right away, but I'll see your comment regardless of what blog entry it's left on. Just so you know how it works. :)
I understand you don't want to hurt your wife, however in order for a spanking to be effective, it needs to be painful unfortunately. In an instance such as this, you're going to have to spank harder. I'm not sure how you're currently spanking, but I would recommend you do a warm up spanking first, then spank as you're doing now with more strikes/harder strikes. As I've said before, the crying aspect of the spanking is very important. As long as you do a warm up spanking and do it correctly, there shouldn't be any bruising. Welts will only be left if you use a belt/strap/cane excessively, which you really shouldn't have to do.
I hope this advice helps you. If not, let me know. Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
@ James,
Thank you for replying to me. I find your opinion interesting but I don't really understand what you mean. Could you go into slightly more detail to help me to understand it please? It certainly has got me thinking.
The way my huisband and I do it is the belief that he is head of the household and I must respect him. If I am rude throughout the day, he ofter wont do something straight away, he may wait till the evening and then punish me as he sees fit. It is ALWAYS a spanking and nothing else. He sits me next to him and explains calmly what I have done wrong and we discuss it, it is a lecture, but he is always caring. He then spanks me with his bare hand over his knee. And ofcourse at the end he consoles me and loves me, sometimes physically, but it's what I need.
I tried as you suggested. I followed the warm up just to make sure i was doing it right. I gave her the 20 strikes 3/4 and 20 more rubbing between and 20 more after that. She still is in such a strong mindset that she will not cry. I started with her over my knee then moved to her over a chair and we are using a belt. she sys she is desperate for a release. I cant seem to give her. any suggestions. she has read your blog and thinks you can help us.
In my opinion the belt should work. I used it once on my wife for a more serious infraction and she cried very soon into it. The sting is a lot more with the belt.
Some people don't react to pain with traditional tears though. She might just not be able to. Sometimes my wife begins to cry before the spanking even starts because she is scared to be punished but mostly because she feels so bad about disappointing me in the first place.
Hope that helps a bit.
-M.T.
@Anonymous - Wow it really sounds like your wife has a very high pain tolerance. Not many women can withstand a spanking like that without crying.
The next step would be to use a more intense implement. I would spank as you're doing now, however I would try using the rattan cane for the last 8-10 strikes. If that doesn't work, you could try spanking like this:
1) Warm up spanking like normal.
2) Two minute break rubbing the buttocks the entire time.
3) Approx. 20-25 strikes with the belt.
4) NO BREAK.
5) Approx. 20-25 strikes with the wooden paddle.
6) NO BREAK.
7) Approx. 5-10 strikes with the rattan cane.
The difference from how your likely spanking now (if you using my guidelines) is having no breaks in between the sets of strikes. Naturally during a spanking the body spreads the pain out to different areas to deal with the pain. When spanking like this, the body doesn't have time to spread the pain out and therefore will keep it all concentrated right there on the buttocks.
If she doesn't cry after these two suggestions, email me at LearningLDD@gmail.com and we'll discuss it further.
-- Clint
the rattan cane for the last 8-10 strikes. If that doesn't work, you could try spanking like this:
1) Warm up spanking like normal.
2) Two minute break rubbing the buttocks the entire time.
3) Approx. 20-25 strikes with the belt.
4) NO BREAK.
5) Approx. 20-25 strikes with the wooden paddle.
6) NO BREAK.
7) Approx. 5-10 strikes with the rattan cane.
MY GOD! THIS IS NOT LOVING DD, IT'S A TORTURE! WHY A WOMAN SHOULD BEAR THAT? iT'S NOT "LOVING" IT'S SADIC.
Are you going to go on beating her to death if she does not Cry?
Shall she go to hospital, to satisfy your violent instinct?
I would never treat my wife the way you do...
@Anonymous - Then don't do it this way. Thank you for your comment. All the best.
-- Clint
@ Clint, I am a great lover of this lifestyle. I love to respect him and everything he says and does. But I also cannot cry, but would love to. After reading your website and commenting on your site about the lack of implements he uses, he was cross at first that I had written it on here and not confronted him with it. Then we had a big chat about it and he has since started spanking me much harder. He also has bought that cream you recomended and some spicey sauce. However after the worst spanking the other night, I have been left with bruising, quite bad bruising, but I wasnt in pain really afterwards. But i still can't cry. I am shocked however of the harsh antidote to this that you have recomended. Do you really think that if I can't cry, I need to be ounished harded? I don't cry at much in life, I have learnt not to afterafter issues in my past. What would you reccomend?
@Charlie1986 - The way of spanking I've advised in the comments is very very difficult to do, and endure. I understand that. Did you do a warm up prior to it? If you did and you still bruised, that's way too hard. I feel responsible for that, and I truly am sorry. I never intended for my advice to leave any kind of bruising. Warm ups, generally speaking, prevent bruising even when striked upwards of 100 times. I hope you accept my apology because I truly do feel terrible about that. I'm very sorry, Charlie1986.
What I've recommended in the comments is the absolute MAXIMUM I'm comfortable recommending, and even then I recommend it be done in this manner on a case by case basis, and I only recommend something like this in the rarest of rare circumstances, which yours is. Also what I've recommended in the comments is the absolute last measure if nothing else worked. Most women cry far before these types of measures are taken, but if you're not crying after increased strength and increased implement intensity, then there are really only two things I can say here.
1) It's possible you have nerve damage in your buttocks. I don't know that for certain obviously, but it's possible. And it could be from anything. Not just spanking so I wouldn't immediately jump to that conclusion. It could be something from your childhood for all I know. There's no way of knowing for sure without consulting a doctor.
2) If you're certain there is no nerve damage, and if you insist on finding a solution to this problem, there is a technique known as "Pain Breaking" that I can tell you about, but it's absolutely to be done at your own discretion and it does not come with my full support or recommendation. Hence why I'm not comfortable putting it on the blog. If you want to know more about the Pain Breaking technique, email me at LearningLDD@gmail.com and we'll discuss it privately.
You're one tough woman, Charlie1986. I know you want the emotional release from crying and I'm doing my best to help you out.
-- Clint
i am sorry for the negative post you received when i ask the question about my wife. she is sad too that someone was unkind. we did try the suggestion we talked of it first and she agreed. like i said she is desperate. she still didnt cry or et that release. we have agreed that it runs deeper and maybe we need to find out why emotionally she cant seem to let go of some things that are holding her back. we love your site and apologize if we opened a can of worms. fyi she didnt bruise at all. no harm was done. again thank you for all your help
Okay, I think we need to do a warm up spank then! perhaps there is more value in the ritual than I suspected!
Clint
EXCELLENY reply to Anynomous 11:40.
I gotta say something here to ALL the nasty, critical, judgmental comments that have reciently been popping up here and there on the blog. IF you find Clints blog SO disturbing then stop reading it.
There have been , and I'm sure always will be people out there that have nothing better to do than read blogs that obviously go against what they believe and can't help but attack the writter JUST to TRY and cause trouble. Others have tried, AND failed to do this. I can see no real reason to post such as nasty comment EXCEPT to just be nasty.
To all of you past, present, and future nasty judgmental people out there. Stop wasting your time.
To those people who want to read and maybe learn from this blog, and have a actual question, concern or need clearification about something they read, by all means, ask a question in a decient and respectful way. Clint (and the rest of us) will be happy to try and explain or help with misundertandings.
newbie
@Charlie 1986 and Anynomous 4:16
first..Anynomous 4:16 you don't need to feel bad at all, there are all kinds of nasty people out there.
This is kind of to both of you sense your issues are similar. For some women NO amount of pain is going to bring tears. For so many its a defence mechinism that is very deep with in them. You have to find something that breaks through that wall. If the wife is like this her endorphens may block the pain, or at least the REACTION to the pain.
I can totally relate because I can take EXTREME pain with out tears. It wasn't until my husband found a way to "reach me" that I cried.
When this happened the spanking I was recieving was actually very mild (play sessions between my husband and I could rival Clints Avanced spanking method, soooo, like I said, sometimes it has NOTHING to do with the physical pain) I could explain how that occured, but it would mean nothing in your situation.
I have read a LOT of blogs, and many women battle with this, for some it takes a long time to finally come to that place. Several of the readers on this blog have blogs of there own. Click on their name and go to their blogs, they all have blogs they follow, click on those and read read read.
Clints blog is GREAT for advice, but to read about 'experiences' is equally helpfull. Just be careful and remember everyone has different reasons for what they do, and why. You may read things that make no sence or that seem completely opisite of what you think. Just take what you can from it, and move to the next blog.
Dont know if any of this helps.
newbie
@Anonymous (August 11th 4:16pm) - As newbie said, there's no need to apologize for someone else's actions. There will be people who completely disagree with this lifestyle. It's not the first time I've been attacked and been called violent, and it won't be the last, unfortunately.
It makes me feel a lot better that she didn't bruise. I felt pretty bad about that, so I'm glad she's ok. I've emailed your wife about the Pain Breaking technique and obviously it's up to you two as to whether or not you want to give it a try. If you do that technique and it does not work, then I'm out of ideas/recommendations. I'm sorry. Perhaps this is something that comes from her past that you two would need to have a pretty serious discussion about. I really hope you two can get this problem fixed. It's important that she cry, and I can tell she wants to. I sincerely wish you two the best of luck with it.
@Charlie1986 - Warm up spankings are a miracle. Seriously. If done correctly, the wife can take quite a bit of strikes without bruising. Like I told your husband above, I wish you two the very best of luck in getting this important problem fixed.
@Newbie (comment at 10:15am) - Thank you, and yes, there will always be people who disagree with DD. And while I am on the same page as you when it comes to not understanding why their even reading, I do respect their opinions and understand this lifestyle isn't for everyone. I could filter the comments, but I think it's important that everyone have a voice. I've been called everything in the book at this point, so it's to the point now where stuff like that rolls right off my back. As always, thank you for your support.
@Newbie (comment at 11:10am) - Very good advice for those two people. Thanks for chiming in on the subject and helping where you can. You're awesome, Newbie! :)
-- Clint
Thanks so much Clint, But that isnt my husband!!! Unless he is on here and hasn't told me!
Thanks Clint
if I get a little out of hand with my comments or cross a line with your readers please don't hesitate to let me know. I REALLY try to say things as nicely as possible, sometimes I just can't help but let my frustration with the nasty negitive comments get the best of me once in awhile and I just say what ever I'm thinking.
(bet you can't guess what I get in trouble for at home lol)
I know you would never filter comments. That would kind of go against what you are trying to teach here and that is ....there is no ONE way to do this thing we call DD. Every one has a right to there opinion. (they just don't need to be so stinking NASTY about it :-P)
@Charlie1986 - Holy smokes how embarrassing! I'm so sorry. Your issues matched up and I just made an assumption..I feel like an idiot. I'm not getting a lot of sleep these days. :)
@Newbie - You're welcome, and I encourage you to continue posting your comments as you see fit. The calmer the better of course, but I understand getting fired up sometimes. I'm guilty of that myself. Thank you for all the comments you provide. You have very sound advice for a lot of people.
-- Clint
I want to say that your blog has given my husband many ideas which has helped our dd relationship life style. I did not feel that way sevral nights ago however when I was being punished and spanked in accordance with your suggestions as well as the suggestions of an anonymous blogger. He found out that I had spilled paint all over the backseat floor and tried to cover it up with paintint over the blue paint with black paint. I not only lied about it but tried to put the blame on one of our friends. I also had gotten a speeding ticket the same day he found out about the paint and lying. I knew I was in alot of trouble and a spanking would be imminent. My offenses were very serious and called for advanced spanking. He spanked me followingn the instructions above. However, instead of using a rataan cane, he used window screen spline which he had cut into strips and taped 4 loops together. I did not know that spline could hurt so much. It stung more than any other implement he has used on me. He warned me before that he would use this on me if I committed any serious offenses but I did not think it would hurt so much because when I held and felt it, it was very light. I was so wrong! It did hurt and sting so much that I was crying after the first several strokes and begging him to stop. He followed through with the full 20 strokes on my bare bottom which was on fire. I definately learned my lesson and will not be speeding, lying or blaming others for my actions ever again now that I know how much the spline stung. It is the worst punishment and spanking I have ever received. Whoever came up with the idea of using it is evil!! Oh and on top of that he removed my privilegs to use the car for 1 month and have extra chores. Ultimately I learned that this has helped our relationship after I could sit again lol.
Thank you for a fine blog. I red about the women who Cant cry, and my experiences in that matter, has learn me that it`s not only the pain that makes me cry. When I have done something wrong, and I know it, and my man spanks me for this, it is importent that he is loving and supporting and lecturing me, both before and in the start of the spanking. That does something to my heart, it becomes open to him, and to the pain. When I am open, the real spanking starts, and its over when he think it is enough, first whit hand and then 15-30 with the cane. My skin bruces a bit, but I`m fine after a week, and done properly I want be in need of a spanking for several weeks.
This bonding between us makes me allow myself to cry. I`m not sure I would do that if he would only use pain as a tool. Sorry for my bad english, this is not my native tounge.
@Anonymous (August 30th 11:10 PM) - Goodness gracious. That spanking sounds pretty rough. I'm not familiar with what exactly a window screen spline is, to be honest with you. It doesn't sound very pleasant, that's for sure. It's not something I can recommend since I'm not familiar with it, but if it works for your marriage and you consent to it, then more power to you. Hopefully this spanking helps you with the problems you described in your comment. Thank you for sharing. All the best to you.
@Anonymous (September 12th 10:46 AM) - You did very well with your English! Thank you so much for your comment. I agree with you - there are a lot of emotions that go into a spanking. The lecturing and comforting is just as important as the spanking itself. Hopefully your bruising isn't too serious. That concerns me some and I certainly hope you're alright. Thanks again for your comment. All the best to you.
-- Clint
Wanted to thank you for helping our marriage so much. We have used spanking as a corrective tool for 8 years now but never really knew how to do it right. You are level-minded and yet firm and I follow you step by step. Last night I addressed a very serious issue in our marriage and used the advanced level for the first time with a wooden spoon and then rectangular paddle. Part of the transgressions included lying. Right after the spanking, I held her and we went over how the afternoon would unfold and I was clear that as usual there would be no rubbing, cold cream or ice. Within five minutes I saw her doing one thing so she sat for 10 minutes on a strong wooden stool facing the wall. Almost right after she got up she went to the bathroom and I learned later put some lotion on. I also noticed a ziploc bag that had melted ice in it in the sink this morning. Directly disobeyed my words and lied about it when I asked at first before telling me. Any suggestions on our next step? She is working tonight so I will see her first thing tomorrow morning.
@Anonymous - I apologize for the late response. I've been playing catch up on all the comments and I'm just getting to this one.
I can certainly understand your frustration with this problem. It's a common problem, and I feel you handled very well initially (advanced level spanking and sitting on a hard surface). It's unfortunate she disrespected you by applying lotion and ice, allegedly, after you asked her not to do so.
The first thing you need to do is have a very firm, crystal clear lecture with her. Something isn't getting through to her that this is something she shouldn't be doing, so I would lecture until she "gets it." A simple, "Now don't rub it afterwards, don't put lotion on it, and don't put ice on it.." isn't going to cut it, clearly.
Like any behavior you want to correct, you'll have to punish for it to correct it. When it comes to something like this, I recommend spanking again, only this time afterwards (meaning AFTER you comfort her) I would have her stand in the corner with her hands on her head for 5-10 minutes. I don't typically recommend the hand on the head part, but since she's tempted to rub her buttocks afterwards, I feel it's appropriate in this instance. After the corner time (after the spanking), I would warn her again not to rub it/put lotion on it/put ice on it/etc. or she'll get punished. If she does any of that, punish immediately for it (corner time and escalate from there).
I hope this helps you out. Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
Hi Clint, great blog. I wanted to get your thoughts on a proper punisment for the follwing: my wife and I both have certain chores around the house. She has been failing in completing her chores in a timely manner, such as washing dishes, laundry, keeping the living room tidy, etc. She knows how often they are to be done and by when each day. I have punished her for neglecting them by corner time, groundings and an intermediate spanking. What do you recommend? 1) Assigning new tasks? however how would she get additional punishment chores completed when se can't even do her normal chores? 2) removing more privileges? 3) move up to advanced spankings? I thought the intermediate spanking would deter her from disobeying me and breaking the rules. I have been fed up because I get stuck with having to do or complete some of her chores or do them properly. We have disussed it and I have lectured her too but it does not seem to be working. She is not any busier than before or than I am. She does have extra free time as well. Knowing her behavior is slacking I am almost ready to use advanced spanking but your suggestions are most welcome and necessary right now as to that and additional punishemnts as soon as possible you have time to respond (ie., how have you or would you punish for this type of unacceptable behavior?). Thanks very much.
Clint, I really enjoy your blog and find it very helpful to both me and my husband....I also have read Chelsea blog and love it as well. Nice to hear from a level headed couple looking for a way to have a loving, lasting marriage.
I had a comment on the woman crying issue...I never cried for a spanking when I first started out. Call it stubornness or whatever, I just couldnt get there. However, something amazing happened the more we practiced, my emotional level of acceptance opened up and the release was had! I dont think the pain is the only reason one should cry, it is more the trust in your husband to take the control you give him and the security in knowing he will give you what you need to be the best at who you are. A little convuluted, but hopefully you get my point. lol Keep up the good work!
p.s. how do I get a profile set up so I can use my name rather then anonymous? I am Lisa by the way!
@Anonymous - It certainly sounds like a frustrating situation. Here's what I'd recommend you do:
I would take all privileges away (with the exception of the cellular phone if she has one), and have her earn them back by completing household chores by the day you'd like them done. I'm talking ALL privileges. TV, computer, driving/going out, cosmetics, reading materials, everything (except the phone). With the completion of one chore, she can choose one privilege she wants back. For example - once the laundry is done, she chooses to have her TV privileges back. If she does not finish a chore by the time frame you've given her, I would give her a "strike." Once you reach three strikes, you spank and start over.
I'd do this for about two weeks maximum, and if she's not getting it at that point, then I would jump right to spanking for each incomplete chore. Procrastination is a common problem, so don't feel alone with something like this. In fact, it's probably one of the most common problems I come across in couples I counsel.
Hope this helps and good luck!
@Lisa - Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy my blog, as well as my wife's blog. We do what we can. :)
I agree with you on the crying point. I always feel a little bit like a jerk when I say the wife needs to cry, but it's true. It really does release those emotions of guilt, frustration, sorrow, etc. and makes the wife feel so much better afterwards. I'm glad you understand that and have experienced it first hand. Thank you so much for your comment.
To be honest with you, I don't really know how you get a profile set up. I think you can post under your name when you post a comment regardless of whether or not you have a profile. I believe there is a "Comment as:" option just before you submit your comment where you can change it from anonymous to your name. I'm not 100% certain though. Perhaps someone else would know better than I do.
Thanks again for your comment! All the best to you Lisa.
-- Clint
@Lisa
you can go to blogger.com and create an account, which will be linked to google. That will give you a user name (to comment with) and a google profile. it will also give you the opportunity to set up a "blog" which you can use later if you choose.
Thanks Clint and Anonymous! I think I successfully created a blogger profile and can use my name now!
@Anonymous (September 23rd 5:45 AM) - Thanks for helping Lisa out. :)
@Lisa - You're most welcome. Happy to help.
-- Clint
Awesome blog. Could you do an entry on boot camp. I like how you write step by step for us new people to DD. I've heard about it and see Chelsea wrote about it, but can't find how to actually do it. Would you recommend it to set the tone. We've been doing DD for six months now and it has change our marriage 100%. Awesome.
@Anonymous - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoy the blog. I always love hearing about how DD has helped a marriage. I'm happy for you. :)
I'm not comfortable with posting a boot camp entry on this blog simply because I think a lot of people would misinterpret it, or do it wrong and then hold me responsible. Something could go wrong, and if I'm not PERFECTLY clear on the blog entry about it, then it would be easy for others to put the blame on me. Boot camp is an intense experience, and one I just don't feel comfortable with discussing on a public blog.
With that said and to answer your question, yes, I think boot camp can be beneficial to a couple under the proper circumstances. What those circumstances are depend on the couple. Everyone is different. I hate to be so vague, but that's how I feel about it. I typically reserve boot camp recommendations for couples that have an extremely defiant wife, or for couples that don't "get" what DD is all about. Boot camp almost forces both individuals into their "roles" within the home which can be uncomfortable for both people and not easy to do, but then again, they don't call it boot camp for nothing.
I have written a boot camp document for those that request it. If you'd like that document, email me at LearningLDD@gmail.com.
-- Clint
We have used spanking in our marriage for many years and incorporate maintenance and discipline spankings, depending on the offense. For intermediate to advanced spanking,(she received one this past weekend for not balancing her checkbook for over 4 months) my wife is given a firm lecture and told to pull her jeans or pajama bottoms down to her ankles and bend over the side of the bed. She then must push her panty covered bottom out until she can feel the paddle. I then give her 10 pretty firm cracks with my fraternity paddle and she is then sent to the corner to allow the the first part of the spanking to take affect. After 5 minutes, she is then ordered to pull her panties down and bend back over the bed. She then receives 10 more swats on her bare bottom followed by 5 more minutes of corner tom, hands at her side with her well paddled bare ass on display. She is not permitted to soothe or touch her bottom as if she is caught doing so, she receives 10 additional swats with the strap on her already sore bum.
@Anonymous (October 13th 12:09 PM) - Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you've found a spanking technique that works for your marriage.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
Clint,
My wife and I are in a dd relationship. She has always been fairly well-behaved. However, recently I have had problems with her back-talking and sassiness. I have had to punish her (spank or groundings or corner time) several times this year. But in this month, she has back-talked for the first times and frequently (4 times total in the last 12 days). The first time, I gave her a warning. The second time, a time out/corner time). The third time, I said she was grounded for 1 week. This evening, she did it again. Please give me some advice on how you would handle this situation. Nothing I have said has been unreasonable. I have asked her kindly and tried to talk and understand her behavior. However, she acts like it's a joke or talks back. Would this call for a spanking? How much? Should I keep the grounding as well? Thanks for your advice. It is much appreciated. I basically told her this evening that she would be punished but that I would have to think of an appropriate punishment. I would like to apply it ASAP if you can provide suggestions as soon as possible. Thank you.
@Anonymous (October 13th 11:29 PM) - From what I can tell, you've handled the situation very well so far. Each time the problem has happened, you've escalated the punishment which is certainly what you should do. Since the punishments you've administered have yet to achieve the results you're looking for, I would recommend escalating the punishment into a spanking at this point. She's had ample opportunities to get the back-talking under control and you've been more than fair, so spanking is the next step in getting her back-talking corrected. She's made it clear that the other punishments aren't going to help her.
When it comes to the severity of the spanking, that part is up to you. I don't know how long you've been practicing DD and don't have any idea what you and your wife consider a "normal amount" during a spanking, but just based on what I DO know, I would recommend an intermediate level spanking (based on the outline on this blog of an intermediate level spanking) for something like this, at the very least.
Another thing you could try is soap in the mouth, but based on the lack of effectiveness of the other punishments you've done, it doesn't sound like soap in the mouth would be overly effective. If after you spank and the problem persists, you can do a combination of two punishments until the problem is resolved. For instance, you could spank and ground her for a week, or spank and put soap in the mouth, or some other combination. Just stick with it. As long as you take the initiative to get the back-talking/disrespect corrected and are consistent with punishing for it, it will get corrected at some point.
Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
Thanks for your quick and helpful response Clint. I will definitely put your suggestions to use and then wait/hope that it will get corrected sooner than later. Thanks again.
@Anonymous - You're most welcome. Good luck.
-- Clint
Clint, yesterday my wife was punished for not her completing chores timely and completely for the last month as well as getting a speeding ticket and then lying about it yesterday. I spanked her for the ticket and lying and grounded her for 2 weeks for the chores (which I warned her about - I was patient but she let it go on for too long and she knew she'd get grounded for 2 weeks). She has a concert with her friends which they planned for months on Thursday (during the grounding). She has begged and pleaded to be able to go to this concert. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let up because it would be inconsistent and show that I won't be able to follow through with the punishment. However a small part of me feels bad as she really wanted to go. I'm at a loss. What would you do?
Thanks
@Anonymous - This is a terrific question. I know exactly how you feel. I've ran into this situation on more than one occasion and it's a difficult one to deal with. No doubt about it.
Where her concert plans were made when she was not grounded (and therefore had no "defiant" intentions behind them when she made them, so to speak), I would let her go to her concert. Yes, the point of grounding is to not allow things like this and yes, it's important to be consistent, but where these plans were made months ahead of time and there are other people involved (her friends), I think it's only fair to give her a break on this particular evening. She should have thought about this BEFORE she made her recent mistakes, but a concert is a little different than something like her friends calling her up on a whim to go out to lunch (which I would say no to in this circumstance).
With that said, I would extend her grounding period for one more day beyond the two weeks to make up for this day. Make sure she understands no plans are to be made for the remainder of her grounding period, and make sure she follows whatever else your grounding punishment entails for one more day beyond the two week period.
This is what I would do. I'm sure there are plenty of HoH's that would say no to the concert, but this is how I would handle this. As always, in the end, the choice is ultimately yours.
Hope this helps and good luck!
-- Clint
Hi there,
Since this is a public blog, I'm hoping you'll allow me the freedom to express my public opinion without censorship. I'll try to be as polite and respectful as I know how to be in offering my (I'm sure, unwanted) opinion.
Let me preface this by saying, after a very long time together, I was thrown for a loop when this lifestyle was presented to me as a premarital ultimatum during engagement. Needless to say, I am now single.
In no particular order…
* There's a reason your "Step 12" is "very very intense, and very very painful for the wife." It's because you're injuring her sits bones >>
http://www.nidus-corp.com/TinyImages/LargeImages/assometer.jpg
http://media.photobucket.com/image/sits%20bones/DonKPowers/pelvis/pelvisboard.jpg
You could cause her permanent damage, so I hope she was made aware of this prior to giving "consent." That's right -- paddle, wooden brush, anything hard and unmalleable, and you're risking real bone damage. In addition to bone damage, repeated use of any implement, including your hand, is likely to eventually cause chronic pain somewhere *else* in her body. Most likely somewhere in the back, but possibly in the abdominal region or shoulder girdle or neck or pectoralis as well; even herniated discs. There's a reason for this. It's a trauma response built into our bodies, by God, nature, evolution, whom/whatever you believe in. That relaxed gluteus may give you the impression she's fully submitting. But somewhere else in her body (usually it's the back) she's involuntarily contracting other deep-lying muscles. It's called the "red light reflex" or the "startle response." And just like Pavlov's dog, if trained often enough those muscles will be involuntarily contracted all of the time… even while she's sleeping. That's a phenomenon known as "sensory-motor amnesia." It's going to cause her body to age prematurely and can cause one of many of other seemingly unrelated maladies. (cont)…
(cont)...
* I also hope she was given a sampling of an "advanced level" punishment before signing on that dotted line, so she knew what she was (eventually) agreeing to.
* I'm truly not trying to pejorative when I say this, honestly I'm not: It would also be nice if the men involved in this lifestyle could form some sort of club or get-together where they can give each other a taste… just once. And by that I mean a full blown, level three, pants around the ankles beating plus corner time, so that you truly KNOW (emphasis, not shouting) the level of pain and humiliation you're inflicting on the woman you love.
* I noticed on another post that you mentioned prayer during your "discipline sessions." I have to say, I find the Christian variety of this lifestyle the most offensive of all -- twisting scripture to legitimize this. Nowhere in the Bible does God instruct a man to physically punish his wife. Certainly nowhere in the new covenant. Conversely, he (I should say Paul) instructs husbands to "make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word." He uses the analogy of Christ's relationship to the body, as the ultimate servant and sacrifice. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Jesus did not "spank" his disciples or give them "corner time." On the contrary, he washed their feet.
* In my opinion, with the idea of the "male-lead" relationship in mind, this lifestyle is about as anti-male-lead as could be. The reason being, it puts in entirety, the responsibility and blame for the success, happiness, etc of the marriage, solely and squarely on the woman's shoulders. It's all about her behavior and not at all about yours. A real leader leads by example (see Jesus in the above bullet point). Who spanks the husband when he makes a mistake, does something dangerous or unwanted? Please, in all sincerity, offer me something other than "Jesus spanks my heart." (Heard that one).
Sincerely,
Sarah
@Sarah - Thank you so much for your comment. If you've read other comments on this blog, you should understand that I won't censor them. I want everyone to have a voice here and have the ability to share their opinions, good or bad, with others. It's only fair. You've shared your opinion in a very mature, intelligent, and respectful way, and I can't thank you enough for that. I've been called everything in the book by the naysayers, so it's refreshing to be treated with respect by someone who doesn't agree with the lifestyle. So thank you for that.
I'm sorry to hear that your engagement didn't work out. It sounds like you have your reasons, which is understandable, and I wish you the very best of luck in finding the right person for you who has the same beliefs as you.
As with anything outside of an persons comfort zone, there can be numerous reasons why NOT try something new, or why NOT do something new. If a person doesn't want to try new things, chances are they have a myriad of different reasons, most being negative, as to why they don't want to do it or try it. I completely understand that. If someone doesn't want to try calamari, already knowing it's deep fried squid, because they have some preconceived notion that it's going to taste awful or the texture is going to be disgusting or whatever else they think before even TRYING it, I get that. They don't want to try something new. BUT, they could be missing out on something wonderful. That may be a really stupid analogy and I'm certainly NOT comparing food with Domestic Discipline - I'm simply illustrating my point of how difficult it can be for someone to try something new based on an already negative preconceived notion.
Since this comment is getting long, I'll continue on with another comment...
@Sarah - (continued from the first comment) You make a lot of very fair points as to why a person should not practice DD. If a person feels the way you do about it, they shouldn't do it. I've said from the start that this lifestyle isn't for everyone. Don't do it if you're worried about long-term physical harm, or worried about other consensual, spiritual, or equality issues.
* Yes, spanking on the buttocks could create problems outlined in your comment regarding the "startle response." Striking too high on the buttocks can cause a lot of problems. I've outlined all over this blog how to prevent these problems, and since you commented on the "Advanced Level Spankings" post, I assume you're most concerned with this outline. If a couple spanks in this manner, the couple should only be spanking 5-6 times a year at the most. This shouldn't done daily, weekly, or even monthly. The long term potential harm you outlined is certainly valid. I don't disagree with you. That's why I stress the importance of taking all necessary precautions to prevent this.
* Everything in DD should be consensually done. I agree again.
* "Beating" and "humiliation" are not part of DD, but I understand what you're trying to say. I think if a male were spanked by another male, then comforted in a very caring, loving, nurtured way where the other male was telling the spanked male how much he loved him, how much he cared for him, kissed him, reassured him, etc., I think it would lead to a whole other set of issues that would take a lot more than a counselor to correct. So while I understand your point, and with all due respect, I don't think this is a good idea.
* I made it clear that the prayer step in my spanking outline is optional. If a couple does or does not practice DD in the name of God, in my personal opinion, it doesn't really matter. I understand if that offends you. Interpreting Bible scriptures can be different for everyone. I don't really know if Jesus spanked his wife, or put her in corner time, or washed her feet, or if He was even married at all. I wasn't alive when Jesus walked the Earth and I don't know Him personally, so I really have no idea. No offense intended whatsoever, but I honestly have no idea. It's all about belief when it comes to something like that, which I'm not getting into for obvious reasons.
* This is where we finally disagree. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel this lifestyle puts almost everything on the male's shoulders. If he does not correct the behaviors in his wife, it could lead to injury, death, a failed marriage, financial instability, infidelity, etc. It's not the wife's fault at all - it's the responsibility of the husband to correct dangerous or detrimental behaviors for the overall benefit of the marriage and home. If you truly feel "the responsibility and blame" is "squarely on the woman's shoulders", then I feel you're not fully understanding this lifestyle. That isn't the point of DD in any way, shape, or form.
"Jesus spanks my heart" isn't the way I'd put it, but the underlying meaning of that phrase is how I recommend couples go about practicing DD. That isn't to say if a couple wants to practice the Spencer Plan, or be in a FLR, that they shouldn't. Couples should do whatever works best for them. There are plenty of options couples can look into. DD and the way I recommend it be done is just one of them.
Thanks again for your wonderful comment. You made a lot of great points, and I agree with you on a lot of them. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your overall thoughts with us.
All the best to you!
-- Clint
Thank you so much for this blog. My husband and I have been doing this for 2 years. I used to get the great feeling after a spanking. He took his time and let it build up. Lately he is doing is hard right out the gate, I am crying in 5 swats with a belt. After about 40 he lets me up but I have been feeling resentful. He got mad at me for being disrespectful and put me over the bed yanked my pants down and got the heavy wooden paddle 10 hard swats, I was a mess and he was done. I still felt angry but very respectful. Thanks for this page as I will leave it open on the computer for him to read. This is so helpful and there are so many things in this blog I am feeling. Thank you again. I cant wait for the relief to set in.
My husband & I have been in a dd relationship since meeting 17 years ago. The spanking you described here is one that I have fortunately experienced just one time. It was about 7 years into our relationship. It was a long painful spanking, but my husband is a kind man who gave me a long warm up first. It was painful for many hours after, but I deserved what I got and have NEVER done or thought about doing that again. I recommend couples go slowly into this type of a lifestyle. You can always intensify the spankings or the instruments or number of instruments used, but sometimes it can be hard to "go back". There are times my husband gives me a 15 minute warm up spanking - I know that means there is a long spanking comiing too. He never abuses me and I know it is all out of love.
In our opinion - a spanking should be on the bare bottom so he can view what is happening. If he has me count it is the last 5 or 10 swats. Crying is cathartic.
If I am spanked an do not cry - the next time he spanks me I get a longer lecture before the spanking or a long warm up spanking while being lectured. When he does this I cry because I have disappointed him more than the pain of the spanking. I think this has made us closer.
Take time to get to know each other in this spanking / dd relationship. It is well worth it - we have a loving relationship with virtually no fighting!
First of all, if I am being punished it should hurt, right? If I don't cry, it didn't hurt that bad and I haven't learned much. When my husband puts me over his knee...damn right it hurts and I cry. He is always there to wipe my tears and we discuss the reason for the punishment, but there is no way that any correction happens without tears. It just doesn't. It is pointless. As far as what implement should be used...I would think that would depend on what the husband wants and what has been used in the past. Are you asking what the wife wants? Really? Ok...how about a pillow. haha
I wish we went through all of these "levels". LOL My husband and I have a very loving and happy relationship. We are truly friends and so enjoy each other. However, although it doesn't happen often, if I disobey him I know beyond a shadow of a doubt where I will find myself...across his knee getting a blistered bottom. He doesn't go through "levels". He means to be obeyed and, trust me, I learn lickety split. He is not in ANY way abusive. Not at all. But he is in charge and that is that.
Hello. I am new to this site.... Thank you for providing such a wonderful resource. I've never been in a DD relationship. It sounds "right," though.... I've read through your levels of discipline, and I have one question. Actually, it's more a concern.... Is the size of the wife not taken consideration for the amount of force used? I read more than once that her cooperation and the implement used should dictate the severity of the punishment. But is the wife's size of no concern? I ask because I am 5 feet tall and weigh 90 lb. I just would not be able to withstand the same punishment as a woman that weighed 150 lb. A man hitting me with "nearly full strength," as you recommend, would do grave damage....
@Anonymous (November 10th 10:35 PM) - I must have overlooked your comment by accident, and I apologize for responding to you so late. Sometimes I miss a comment or two, but it isn't intentional. I hope you understand.
I'm so glad to hear that you find the blog helpful. Hopefully your husband was able to read some of it and take some of the recommendations on it to help modify the way DD is practiced in your marriage to find what works best for you both. I wish you both the very best going forward.
@Anonymous (November 13th 12:32 PM) - I apologize to you as well for overlooking your comment. I didn't do it intentionally, and I didn't mean to take so long getting back to you.
You offer some great advice to those just starting out with this lifestyle. I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, and I'm so happy to hear that your marriage is virtually fight-free. Keep that happiness going on into 2012 and beyond!
-- Clint
@Anonymous (December 31st 3:58 AM) - Yes the spanking should be painful, and to get the most out of the experience, the wife should cry as well. You made a big point as to why crying is necessary - results are minimal to non-existent if there is no crying after a spanking. Crying is necessary to get the full benefit from spanking. No question about it.
I'm sure you'd love a pillow as the implement. Or one that my wife always suggests to me - a feather. :)
Thank you for your comment and I wish you and your family the best.
@Anonymous (December 31st 4:04 AM) - Thank you for sharing your experience. The "levels" on the blog are to help beginners with incorporating this dynamic into their marriages. Every couple is different, and every couple will find the most comfortable way to handle punishments for both spouses. I'm glad you and your spouse have found what works best for you both. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. All the best to you and your family in the future.
@Anonymous (January 4th 1:27 AM) - You bring up an excellent point. Yes, the size/weight of the woman should be taken into consideration when spanking. A more petite build would require less force/strikes, and a larger build would require SLIGHTLY more force/strikes. It's a give and take type of situation, and husbands should always take into account the size of his wife when administering a spanking.
While I think "grave damage" is a little strong (it's not going to kill anyone), I do understand your concern, particularly where you're a petite woman. I appreciate you bringing up this point.
All the best to you and your family!
-- Clint
Hello Clint, I'd like your opinion on how to punish if you find out that your spouse has a facebook and myspace website when it was strictly forbidden to have social networking websites especially when it contains at least 2 friends who were past boyfriends and several other men who you know nothing about (I believe they are single men who she knows through friends or at work). I did not knwo anything about it or them until last night. I was furious and coudl not get a straight answer from my wife except that she said the men were just acquaintances who she never has any contact with on facebook (they do not contact each other), and her ex-boyfriends are both married and do not contact her either. I think I believe her but she still broke the rule. We have been practicing ldd for 7 years. Thanks for your input in advance. Any input on how you would handle it would be appreciated as I have scheduled to discuss it with her tomomrrow evening.
@Anonymous (January 11th 9:57 PM) - I don't blame you at all for being upset over something like this. What an unfortunate situation, to say the least.
There are a lot of factors here. There's disrespect, there's lying/deceit, there's abusing computer/internet privileges, and there's past boyfriends involved, even if their involvement is minor. Boy oh boy. What a mess. I'm terribly sorry to hear about what you're going through.
For starters, I'd recommend spanking once for the lying/deceit, and once more for the disrespect. I'd recommend spanking on two separate, yet consecutive days. How you spank and the severity in which you spank would be your choice, naturally. In my opinion they should be relatively intense spankings, but again, that's entirely up to you.
I'd also recommend removing computer privileges for some time. The length of time is again your choice, but where there were two sites she was on (Facebook and MySpace), I'd recommend it be no shorter than two weeks minimum. I wouldn't require her to remove her profiles from those sites since she likely keeps in contact with a lot of friends and family that way, but this is another decision you're going to have to make.
As far as the ex-boyfriend stuff - I wouldn't be TOO concerned if those men are married, and you've been with your wife for at least 7 years. Trust is important, but where you said you think you believe her about not communicating with them, then I'd only do minor investigating, if any at all. I'd maybe check to see if any messages were sent between them on her Facebook and MySpace pages, but I wouldn't make phone calls that could potentially harm their marriages or anything like that. Again, that's totally your choice, but if you think you believe her when she says they haven't been communicating, then I wouldn't make a big fuss over it. Also, if you take my recommendations, you're already spanking for disrespect, which is what this is in my opinion, so I'd leave it at that.
Those are my recommendations and opinions, but obviously these decisions are yours to make. Like you, I wouldn't be very happy about something like this. Just remember to hear her out and let her tell her side of the story before making any final decisions on punishment.
I hope this made sense to you, and I hope it helps. Good luck!
-- Clint
@damselfly - Your comment is a very well-written one, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. While some parts may be difficult for you, I'm happy to hear it helps you respect your spouse. Thank you for your comment.
I certainly wish you nothing but the best.
-- Clint
Clint - Thanks for an excellent blog. I am so happy to have found this. My husband is happy to have found it too.
My husband & I have been together for 18 years. I have received many spankings throughout this time. He has spanked me since we were dating.
Like many others I had a very difficult time crying. And if I did cry my husband immediately stopped the spanking as he thought he was spanking me too hard. So for a while I did everything I could NOT to cry.
A year or so ago I talked to him about this situation. Although I do not get many punishment spankings (maybe one or 2 a year) I do get monthly (or 2 times a month) reminder / maintenace spankings.
Months after we talked about me not crying I deserved (and received) a punishment spanking. He took his time and scolded me longer - then he gave me a warm up spanking that lasted for almost 30 minutes. The strikes were not hard - just continuous.
The length of time gave me time to think about what I had done wrong and although I could feel the swats they were not "painful". I do not know when the severity of the swats changed but I really started to feel them.
When he thought he was getting through to me he stopped, rubbed my bottom and lectured me on how much I had disappointed him.
The final swats were intense and I cried. And I was still crying when he stopped. Then I got corner time.
Since then I have been getting the cathartic release I need - He is getting the results he wants after a spanking and our relationship has never been better.
For others who can't cry during a spanking - I would recommend they slow things down to get the results. Worked for us.
@Anonymous (February 5th 9:24 AM) - I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with the readers of the blog. It's always helpful to hear another person's experience with a particular problem and how they addressed it. I'm glad you and your spouse found something that works for you both. Crying is important after a spanking, and I'm sure you both feel much better having found a solution to the "not crying" problem you had.
Great job, and I wish you the very best going forward.
-- Clint
Hi everyone, I have question about if i deserve to get punished what kind I might deserve and your opinions are as welcome as they are wanted.
Let me first say that My husband and i are very close but I have some issues that need to be worked on. Anyway we have a list of rules, and on that list is no cursing, lying, or not doing assignments and homework when I am suppose to, resulting in a bad grade or subtraction in possible points. I also have a report card on the bedroom door on the inside and each week I am to record my grades for each assignment. well I didn't do an assignment I was watching tv instead and I got an F, I put it on the report card and found a place to hide the card. well I have been cursing everyday for about 2 weeks now and he has been warning me to watch my mouth. so my Hoh is out on business and when he gets back I am to have a list of punishments that will be carried out for an entire week. which days should I get what? corner time for monday , restricted to my room Tuesday, wed extra chores, thursday write lines, etc..... what would your HoH do?
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@Anonymous (February 9th 8:42 AM) - Your questions are difficult to answer since they're case specific, but I'll give you my take on the situation.
Rather than assigning punishments to specific days of the week, I would address specific behaviors and correct them one at a time. I would start with the most pressing issue first, and go on down the line to the least pressing issue. To me it's about fixing behaviors as soon as possible - not about fixing them on a Monday or a Thursday.
One thing that would be administered until everything was addressed and corrected would be the removal of privileges. Until these issues were resolved, all privileges would be taken away.
I don't know if this helps or not, but that's my take on the situation. Hopefully others chime in with their takes as well.
Good luck to you.
-- Clint
I just want to say that I'm quite shocked by some of the examples of non-compliance by wives, especially the one who didn't complete her household chores, even when specifically told to do it. That is actually very insulting. A woman who needs to be told to do laundry, etc clearly needs to be straightened out. When she doesn't do it even when she has been told - goodness knows what kind of man would put up with that from his own wife
What if my wife is allergic to seafood and she keeps on eating it? I had already told her many times but she was like doesnt care about it.I had already warned her if she keeps on eating it I will spank her.But It is hard to tell her to hei into the position :( she disrespect me and disobedient :( Her allergic is very serious and I care about her ..
@Anonymous (February 21st 12:41 PM) - I apologize for missing your comment before. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. All marriages have something that needs to be worked on. I trust whichever commenters you're referring to will work together with their spouse to address their faults and work towards improving their marriages.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. All the best to you.
@Anonymous (March 11th 6:38 PM) - It does sound very serious indeed. I'm not sure if you're looking for advice or not, but I'd recommend that you don't keep seafood in the house, and I wouldn't take your wife to any seafood restaurants either. I find it a bit strange she would eat seafood knowing she's allergic to it. Perhaps there are deeper issues to address. How you handle the situation is your decision. I certainly hope you can get the problem fixed as soon as possible.
Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
Hi Clint,
Great website. I am searching for advice on how to deal with and address a situation. My wife and i have been in a DD relationship for several years. It has helped. I would say she can be bad at times like most wives but generally learns from the DD. Her most recent misbehavior involves several issues. In our house, she understands that she is responsible for household chores. I do help around the house with yardwork, repairs, and such. She does not work but stays home with our young son. Cleaning the house is at the top of our list as we have visitors quite often, and it is important to keep it clean for our son who crawls around a lot and touches everything and for safety too. She knows specifically what her assignments and responsibilities are within the household as do I of my main duties, which is to provide for the family, etc. Well, in the last months, I had to give her spankings for not completing her chores. Our baby is at a day care center several hours a week just to be around other babies and to give her some time to herself. As long as she gets her chores done she can do as she pleases for the most part. Well, she wasn't doing them and I would come home after a long day at work to a very unkept and dirty house. Instead of focusing on her chores first, she was going out with her friends, sleeping, going to the spa, shopping, nothing really productive. Well, after her punishment spankings, I made it clear that she is to do her chores before these activities. The last week I thought she had improved significantly as the house was in great shape, taking her out to dinner and such only to find out today that she had hired a maid (without my permission which she knows is required). We have a good agreement as to our joint account/funds and how they should be used, and what types of items need to be disucssed before buying, etc. and have never had any big issues with that. I checked but none of the funds were used for the maid so when I asked her, she said she borrowed it from a friend. I learned that the friend was a male friend of hers from our gym, who I met before and am not too fond of. They attend the gym classes together and I am aware they are gym buddies which I've approved of but only that and nothing more (I know for sure that nothing else is gonig on - he is married too and travels extensively out of state). She borrowed $100!! and the maid company has been to our house twice to do basic cleaning and organizing, as well as laundry. This is why the house looked so good. Granted she spent a lot of quality time with our son at the park, got the grocery shopping done, and went to a dentist appointment (being productive as opposed to not beign productive), but that still isn't an excuse in my mind for lying, not doing her chores herself, being desceiptful... She is in her bedroom thinking about her upcoming spanking and is aware that she is in trouble big time. As soon as I get home, i plan to address her behavior and punishment but all I can think of is to give an advanced spanking, lecturing, and prohibiting her from having any of her visitors/friends for a week. I am also at a loss of how to deal with the $100 the male friend gave her/how to pay him back/what to say to him. Your advice is needed as to what other punishment suggestions you have for me to consider/what you would do and also if my initial thoughts on punishment are fine. Thanks much. Alex
Clint, I had to hold off on the spanking because our sitter backed out the last minute (our babysitter babysits in the evenings when we need her to). I also have been unable to come home during the day due to work. Our babysitter is unable to watch our son until tomorrow night, which is when I'd like to and plan to conduct the spanking, but wanted your thoguhts and responses to my questionsn in my last entry before I proceeded.
Alex
@Alex - I appreciate your patience in my response. I know you requested my advice/help yesterday, and sometimes it does take me a little time to get back to commenters. Thank you for understanding.
Obviously there are a lot of moving parts to your situation. I identify four problems here, each of which need to be addressed separately. One, there is procrastination with her household duties (which is clearly a rule in your home). Two, she seems to have a priority issue (going out with friends, sleeping, etc. before her duties are done). Three, disrespect by hiring a maid without consulting you about it. Four, she borrowed money to pay for the maid service without consulting you first.
Here's what I would recommend for each of those problems (if YOU consider them to be problems as well, which it sounds like you do):
Procrastination of duties: Remove ALL privileges from her and have her earn them back with the completion of individual duties. For each duty (ex: laundry) she finishes, she gets the privilege of her choice back (ex: television). Set deadlines for each duty, and if the deadline is not met, consider that one "strike". If three strikes accrue, spank.
Priority issue: All I'd recommend for this is a rather lengthy and detailed lecture. Whatever order her priorities need to be in, be sure to make them clear to her. (ex: the family and home need to be taken care of first before going out with friends).
Disrespect for hiring a maid: Spank. Not much else to say on that one. I'd probably get rid of the maid service as well, since in your specific situation it doesn't seem necessary.
Borrowing money: Have her "earn" $100 dollars on her own somehow, and have her pay back the gentleman at the gym with that $100. That may mean selling something of HERS on ebay, or babysitting friends/neighbors children, pawning HER jewelry, taking HER items to the consignment store..whatever it may be, have her earn that $100 and pay that man back with money SHE earned somehow. Another option is to pay the man back, have her apologize to him (I'd have her do this either way, actually), and spank for it on a different day than the spanking for the disrespect issue.
To break this up, I'll break this comment into two parts. Part two is below.
-- Clint
@Alex - This is part two of my comment back to you.
I think it's important to have a discussion with your wife about how each one of these things is a problem. The discussion/lecture needs to be done very calmly, reasonably and rationally, of course. Just make sure she understands why these things are problems, and basically what your expectations of these rules are going forward.
To your question about how to pay the gentleman at the gym back - I gave you two options in part one of my response, and another option is to borrow this money from someone you're more comfortable with borrowing from (a friend, relative, etc.) and pay him back with it, then at a later time pay the friend/relative back. That may make you feel a little better about it. However you decide to go about it, I think it's important to pay him back as soon as you can.
As for what to say to that man - I'd simply thank him for helping your family out, let him know you appreciate his kindness, let him know it's not necessary for him to help you and your wife financially in the future (if that's how you feel), and that's that. "While I certainly appreciate your help, I kindly ask that you discuss something like this with me first beforehand." Something like that. Be respectful to him, but at the same time let him know that it really isn't necessary. I wouldn't go into detail about where the money went or anything, either. That, assuming your wife didn't already tell him. He doesn't need to know the details. Then pay him back the $100, shake his hand, and be done with it.
Overall I think your initial punishments were perfectly acceptable and appropriate for your situation. I've given you my recommendations and like any other advice, you can keep or discard any of it at your discretion. Everything I've said is naturally just my opinion, and ultimately you decide how to carry out the discipline in your marriage.
I hope this helped you out, Alex. I wish you nothing but the best in getting everything squared away. Good luck to you.
-- Clint
Woman's point of view if it is allowable to comment. Borrowing money from a third party without permission for anything but a sudden unforeseen emergency would be a major breach of trust in my house. That would be the priority misdemeanour, practically on a par with sexual infidelity, and I think there could be no obstacle so great that a husband didn't take drastic action to deal with it at once. I'm sorry if I sound judgemental but unless the DD thing is a temporary game with you, then it really isn't good for either of you to let respect slip to this extent. It sounds as if the wife is testing boundaries in a big way. If I did this I absolutely wouldn't be allowed back to that gym for a long time and I believe I would despise my husband if he didn't vehemently reassert himself as the master straight away.
Anon I agree with you and Clint in theory, and could never imagine being in a situation where I would rely on my gym pack for money or anything more than support and maybe a guy's helpful point of view. I wonder what else is going on here, I've felt like your wife before especially when I was post partum and when my kids were little. I'm a believer in kids first, house second and eventually I did hire a cleaning lady. (Actually my mother in law hired her for me as a gift). What's interesting is that when Rob lost his job and I went back to work with four kids who were 10,7,4,2 at the time, he actually increased her hours and lost any of the resentment he had initially. I wonder why she is rebling, it's worth having a conversation, not just a lecture and a spanking. Laure
I have been thinking a bit more about this and I conclude that maybe she wants out of the lifestyle and doesn't know how to broach the matter. Or maybe if your son is very little, her hormones are still out of kilter, in which case I would think spankings would not help at all but emotional closeness would.
Thanks for your suggestions Clint. I did follow them and actually added another separate punishment for lying - she deliberately lied about the maid cleaning the house, by telling me how well she cleaned it and how much she had done. We even went out to dinner and stuff just as a reward sort of, which she didn't even feel one bit guilty about. I only found out later about the maid company doing the cleaning. So, she earned herself another spanking and extra chore. The idea of LDD was her's to begin with and she knows that this is completely consensual between us and agrees that it has helped our marriage. She does wish to keep this lifestlye and has admitted that she was just being lazy - she was bored at home and wanted to be out with friends and shopping than cleaning the house. She understands now that the household comes before any of those activities and laziness or just not feeling like it are no excuses to our agreement nor is hiring outside services to do her own chores and then lying about it. We haven't dealt with the guy at the gym yet but will follow your suggestions as soon as her last spanking is over. She definitely will apologize to him and then after she does that and after SHE pays him back (she is going to return some shopping items she had purchased in order to pay him back), she won't be allowed to go to the gym for a month. I know that is wasted membership fees but I agree with damselfly. She is also doing her chores as expected now and slowly earning back her tv and computer privileges and so on. This was a tough and rough one but now am feeling better. The house is looking great too. Thanks again I appreciate it.
@damselfly - Thank you for chiming in on the matter and offering your perspective. In a situation of this magnitude, the more thoughts offered the better for those involved. Thank you.
@Laure - I thank you as well for offering your thoughts on the situation.
@Anonymous (April 5th 11:56 PM)/Alex - You're very welcome and I certainly hope everything works out for you and your wife. It's a tough situation to address, no question. Best of luck to you in getting things back on the right track.
All the best to each of you.
-- Clint
Thank you for this excellent blog. My husband and I began practicing DD very recently and have seen great results in our marriage and the closeness that we have experienced is almost miraculous! The biggest thing I noticed was that my husband had begun to feel emasculated due to his inability to control me. This all changed! He is now in full control of me and the direction of our marriage. He is the man I fell in love with and the man I look up to! I am so proud of him that he is willing and able to discipline me even though I know it's hard for him to do so.
I didn't realize the magnitude of how my behavior had negatively affected us but I do now.
I will say that we learned how to practice DD from your blog and we reference it daily. Thank you for taking the time to write and respond to us.
Sincerely,
SAB
Helping a woman cry
I too am one of those women who find it hard to cry when being spanked. It had nothing to do with how hard my HOH spanks me. I also have a tremendous need for the release that I read others speaking of. I found a true story of a woman who longed for that release and how she was able to get it. I will add a link to it here http://www.herwoodshed.com/library/adult.html
I will share with other what brings me to tears. It's love! Sometimes my HOH will give me a "release spanking". The most important part of this type of spanking for me is how my HOH talks to me and treats me during it. It begins with the lecture where he tells me how much he loves me. He tells me that he knows that I want and need an emotional release and he will help me get it. (by saying that he is giving me permission to cry which is critical for me).
As he spanks me and throughout all the various stages he is VERY loving to me, rubbing my bottom more than usual, telling me that he knows it hurts, holds my hand, asks me to cry for him, please. He asks me to relax as he continues to spank me, tells me to open my emotions to him. His words urge me on, touch me deeply in a place that just a spanking would not get to. As I hear and feel his love along with the pain I am able to express deeply held pain by crying. At first it's slow but with continued support (talking, loving, touching and spanking) I am able to break through a barrier and begin to sob and then comes the waterfall of the release as I cry uncontrollably. For me it is a total emotional release that can only happen through love.
If you read the story that I linked to she too was able to cry and have an emotional release. Pay attention to all the emotional support a total stranger gave her that enabled it to happen. How much more so a woman's HOH!
I hope this helps other women and HOH's gain the release we so desperately need. Just a suggestion - maybe a separate area on the blog would be good to address this issue since so many people discuss it.
With warm love to all of you.
@SAB - That was a very kind and wonderful comment and I appreciate you taking the time to share it. I'm so happy to hear the blog has been a helpful resource to you and your husband. Now you understand why I stand so firmly in support of this lifestyle and why I encourage so many couples to give it a try. Hearing that you and your husband have experienced a "miraculous" change for the better in your marriage makes all the time and effort I put into the blog worth it.
Welcome to a stronger and happier marriage, and welcome to the DD lifestyle! I wish you many more years of good health and happiness. All the best to you.
@Anonymous (April 6th 11:47 AM) - Thank you for sharing your experience. Crying can certainly be an issue for some women, and I'm glad you've taken the time to offer an option for women to consider if they have a difficult time crying. An emotional release is very important for the overall success of a spanking, as it sounds like you understand. I appreciate your comment!
All the best to you.
-- Clint
@Anonymous (April 6th 11:47 AM) I too Would Like to thank you for your Comment! I have only recently discovered DD and my Husband and I have agreed to practice it.
I have always had to be strong and 'put up a wall' and learned to NOT cry a long long time ago. And since being married We kind of got comfortable in our roles, and he was content to let me be the one in control of nearly everything cuz he thought it was making me happy, to have my way. (Wow, when put that way, I have been Spoi-led Rotten!)
Shortly after starting DD I broke a rule he had just made days earlier. Partly to test him, partly because i was somewhat in a self destructive state, and just didn't care.
When he found out, he mulled it over for a while before he announced that "He was going to have to spank me." I didnt know whether to be relieved or feel dread. Both.
We were heading home from vacation at the time so I had a nice long 20 hours or so during the drive to anticipate.
Long(er) Story Short, It was pretty much our first official DD Spanking, we have a lot of details to work out in order to get them to be efficiently effective and have desired results. The Spanking, though more severe than described above or even in the boot camp book, Still Never Did bring me to tears. Rhino Hide I guess. I felt broken, like a robot, just could NOT cry, as much as I tried. COULD NOT get that emotion and stress and insecurity that was the ball in my chest out! However it did kind of help break down that wall to the point where after I could sob in his arms, but never totally got that release. Ugh, that was a tough night, and I'm glad for both our sakes we got that first one out of the way. But I look forward to the time we got this down to a regulated science!
Thank you anonymous and thank you Clint for this wonderfully informative blog!
@Anonymous (April 25th 2:44 PM) - You're welcome for the blog, and I certainly hope you find it helpful for your relationship.
It sounds like you're a very strong woman! Some woman just don't cry. While I still feel crying is extremely important for the full effect of a spanking, I suppose as long as the behavior is changing for the better and you feel better emotionally afterward, the spanking is a success.
Thank you for sharing your experience! All the best to you.
-- Clint
Not everyone is a crier. Some people are just more lachrymose than others. Whether you cry or not has nothing to do with how much you are affected by the spanking.
And I do think you need to be careful in recommending such extreme severity in spanking. These are heavy implements you are talking about, you don't want her to end up with broken bones. At least I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that you don't.
It's all very well pointing out that the punishments described here are severe, but ladies, they can be avoided altogether you know. Men aren't brutes. It is possible to just OBEY, and make a real effort to please. When you aren't sure just defer to him and ASK.
In our house we make time for a frank and serious sit-down discussion before a formal 'maintenance' session. The discussion itself sometimes makes me cry, especially if I've failed to correct something I've been given extra swats for before. But if it's something abstract like 'lack of alacrity' I also get the chance to explain myself - and if its good enough he will go easy
@Louise - You're right - not everyone is a crier. It sure helps, however, when women cry after they're spanked for reasons I've covered numerous times on the blog. Crying isn't about the behavior changing. Sure, whether or not a wife cries after a spanking doesn't effect the overall purpose of the spanking (changing the behavior for the better), but it helps tremendously in releasing those feelings of guilt, remorse, and sorrow. That, along with a stronger emotional connection between husband and wife, is why I stress the importance of crying so much.
I don't know how much more careful I can be in recommending the advanced level spanking process. I've stated, in bold letters, that only experienced couples should be spanking this way in the entry. Outside of a flashing neon sign, I don't know what else I could possibly do to illustrate how important it is that a couple know what they're doing when considering to spank in the manner described on this entry.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate you taking the time to comment, and I wish you the best of luck with all your future endeavors.
@damselfly - Very well said. Thank you so much. You're absolutely right - a wife would never, and SHOULD never, get spanked for following the rules. Sure it's easier said than done to follow all the rules, but you're absolutely correct. Severity of the spanking would be irrelevant if the rules were followed at all times since spankings wouldn't ever happen.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts/experiences. All the best to you.
-- Clint
Hi Clint
My DD partner and I have been practicing this lifestyle for 4 years now, so I mainly receive advanced level spankings. We do not live together. When I need to be punished for a very serious issue, he uses a paddle and leather strap. The strap hurts A LOT, and he has deemed it very effective, which unfortunately, I have to agree with. However, it is often hard for me to submit to a strapping, even though I do agree it is necessary and effective. During a punishment my partner has me lay over pillows on the bed. I know I need this punishment to correct serious issues, yet it is so hard for me to submit to the strapping. I want to be submissive to him during a punishment, but I repeatedly struggle with this issue. Also, maintaining the position is very difficult for me. He doesn't expect me to remain perfectly still, but I get out of position a lot, which sometimes results in extra strokes, depending on how serious the infraction is. I believe that the man should be in charge of punishment, and I want to submit to him, but the strap is so painful that it is often hard for me to do. Do you have any suggestions on how I might be more submissive to a man who truly does care about helping me improve? Thanks. Mary
@Mary - Being "submissive" to your husband is more of a feeling than a behavior, so it's not something you can necessarily "learn" how to do. You can't "teach" yourself feelings, if that makes sense. It's something that takes time, and something that needs to be eased in to.
I can tell this is something you want to do (be more "submissive"), so that isn't the issue. I understand it's difficult to relinquish complete control to your husband and I also understand it's difficult to completely cooperate with a spanking, particularly if you know it's going to be an extremely painful one. It's more of a mindset than anything else, so I would suggest you take a minute or two just before the spanking and do some breathing exercises, and do the best you can to relax yourself and get yourself in the correct mindset and ease your tension about everything. I wouldn't take too long, however, since the longer you delay the spanking, the more you'll drive yourself crazy (and perhaps make your husband upset). It's not going to hurt to take a moment and get yourself calmed down though, just before a spanking.
I would also suggest that your husband step up a bit in these moments and comfort you before he spanks you. He should be supportive and reassuring to you, and let you know that this is for the best and that you will be fine, and everything is going to be alright. Lean on each other to get over these fears and apprehensions so you both can grow from the experience. That's part of the whole process.
I don't know if this will help or not, but I've given you a couple of options. I certainly hope things improve for you, and I wish you the very best of luck.
-- Clint
This is troubling. Why so many harsh beatings? Surely the purpose is to encourage respectful compliance, not to keep on getting ever more exotic punishments?
@damselfly - What aspect is troubling you? You're absolutely right that the purpose is to encourage respectful compliance. The advanced level spankings are for experienced couples and should only be necessary a few times a year, if done correctly.
Couples just need to ask themselves if they'd rather spank at the beginner or intermediate level frequently each week and month, or spank at the advanced level a few times a year. Some people prefer to spank numerous times for the same repeat offenses. Some prefer to spank rather hard to get the behavior corrected right away, and not have to deal with it again. This is a choice all couples should think about when considering the advanced level spankings. It's not an easy choice, but the advanced level spankings will correct behaviors much more quickly than beginner and intermediate levels will.
Just something to think about. All the best to you, damselfly.
-- Clint
Maybe I get things much too easy then, or else I'm super good - lol I'm given a weekly conduct review and I aim for (and often get) praise and no spanking at all (except maintenance which doesn't count because it's friendly.)
I am hoping your experience in domestic discipline can help me. My husband feels very passionately that domestic discipline will greatly increase our bond and ultimately be a satisfying and liberating experience for me. I am committed to my husband, want to give him everything he deserves, and believe him when he assures me I will benefit from this. After reading nearly every blog here, I feel confident that if anyone can help, it is you. I cannot discuss this with friends, family, or even a therapist. My problem is this- I cannot cry. I am a very strong woman, and have several walls that I am trying to break through. But I simply cannot cry during a spanking. My husband and I know that to truly free me from the walls, I need to cry during a spanking because only then will I truly be open. Only when my walls are broken can I be rebuilt. But we fear that this isn't possible. I understand that achieving this will be incredibly painful and I am willing to accept this. In fact, we have followed your instructions but had no tears. It nearly brought my husband to tears, but I know, and I WANT to take more for him.
So my question is this- Is there a combination of spanking techniques mixed with emotional exhaustion (for lack of a better term) that will force me to let go of the wall? I was thinking that if I were just physically and emotionally exhausted and he continued to push, eventually I would have to cry. Any information you can give is greatly appreciated. I will do ANYTHING to save my marriage.
I can only offer my experience....I wasn't able to cry for probably the first two years we practiced DD. In January this year we did Boot Camp as a holiday gift to us. I CRIED!!
It isn't just the spankings in Boot Camp, it was a very emotional event for me, to start really understanding submission and giving over ALL control and privileges, it was a very humbling experience. The combination of the mental, emotional and physical experience during Boot Camp, by day 3 (the last day) I cried pretty much every spanking....a first for me. So hang in there, and hopefully the tears will come for you also. And yes you do feel MUCH better once you get that release.
Hope this helpful for you.
@damselfly - It sounds like you do a great job! No spankings at all suggests you are "super good", as you put it. That's wonderful. :)
@Anonymous (June 7th 8:09 PM) - Like the anonymous commenter that responded to you, the first thing that comes to mind is boot camp. Not necessarily because you cannot cry, but because of the way you described what it is you're looking for. "A combination of spanking techniques mixed with emotional exhaustion" describes the boot camp experience very very well. Boot camp is a lot to go through both physically (with the spankings) and emotionally (with the homework assignments and the overall "no tolerance" policy in boot camp), and would be ideal for what it is you're seeking.
At this point I would recommend going with boot camp. If you're still not where you want to be after boot camp, comment again and let me know. I have another suggestion, but I only want to offer it to you if boot camp does not work.
I hope you can achieve that release you're looking for. You'll feel so much better when you do. Best of luck to you.
@Anonymous (June 8th 2:59 AM) - I'm happy to hear the boot camp experience was a good one for you! Getting that emotional release is important, and I'm happy to hear you were able to achieve that through boot camp. Yet another testimony that boot camp is helpful. :)
All the best to you.
-- Clint
I was a wife who could not cry either. Recently my husband started with a LONG warm up & ended with a solid paddling. While giving me these beginning "love pats" he told me that if I needed to cry I could. I could express myself however I wanted and needed to. I would however need to stay in position.
Throughout the hand spanking, leather hand spanking, hair brush spanking and ending with a very solid paddle (with holes)spanking he spoke to me regarding what I had done wrong and why I was being punished. He told me he loved me and he respected me. Then he told me how I had let him down and let our relationship down. He said he was disappointed in me - that really hurt more than the spanking itself.
The first time he spanked me this way the spanking lasted over 45 minutes. He said he was so proud of me - he had spanked me almost 500 swats. The hard ones AFTER I started to cry - and only then with the paddle with holes in it.
I felt loved & cherished. He had taken time to get through to me. My bottom was well spanked and very red. And though tough to sit the rest of the day I truly felt his love.
I had been spanked harder before but NEVER with these results.
Since this time he talks to me before and during the spanking and many times I get the release I need through crying. There are many times I cry during maintenance spankings too.
I hope this helps someone else.
@Anonymous (June 15th 10:49 AM) - Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you went through a lot, but it appears to have been worth it for you and your marriage in the end. Your comment, along with a few others regarding crying, inspired a recent post on the topic. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
Clint, I don't understand why you never speak about the loopy johnny. It's a silent tool and almost so hard than the cane. I spank my wife whith this whip since two years. She cries, and after twenty minutes of corner time she is quiet, and she thanks me for the punishmemt. A spanking have to be painful, and the loopy is great for hurt a lot a woman's bottom.
Best regards.
Tom
@Tom - That particular implement is one in which I have no experience with, nor have I ever held one or seen one. So, given that I don't know much about it, I've chosen not to discuss it on the blog. I will say, however, that it appears to be a rather intense implement, one that seems unnecessary to me, so I have a hard time finding the need for one not just in my marriage, but any marriage. But, if it works for you, then that's wonderful.
Thank you for your comment, Tom. All the best to you.
-- Clint
I wish you had a venting page. I wish you had a venting page. I wish you had a venting page! I'm going to get a half hour correction session this afternoon. (Half hour correction sessions can often last an hour!) They aren't harsh spankings with a vast range of implements or anything scary, but when an attitude is being addressed the sessions do go on and I have to fully participate and at his pace. I can't just switch off while he gets busy with the strap. The thing is we've got friends coming over this afternoon as well - so while I'm eager to get it over and done with quickly so I won't be embarrassed (or heaven forfend, still part way through it!) when they arrive. He likes to take his time for things like this, and break off, and talk to me for a bit, to make sure I know what it's about. Ok, the thing is I've got worked up and jittery about it. If I don't submit properly he'll extend the session as a matter of principle. And if I do submit properly he won't hurry. I'm imagining a situation where he pours our friends drinks then excuses himself to continue working on me, while I don't get to greet them until they've been here ten minutes. Oh well, that's my case that I can't do anything about.
... and that is exactly what happened
@damselfly - A venting page isn't a bad idea, actually. Perhaps I'll make that a part of LDD in the future. In the meantime, feel free to vent away!
I hope everything worked out for you in the end. Good luck to you in the future, damselfly.
-- Clint
Hi,
I've skimmed through all that was written in this page and would like to add my two cents worth. Please remember, that's all it's worth, as I'm just one woman with an opinion.
Firstly, for me submission is a feeling that came naturally to me when I met my boyfriend. Something about him, most likely how naturally strong he is, caused me to feel submissive. I am a strong minded woman who is very secure in herself and met many men whom felt the urge to force me into submitting to them, but I think all of them were weaker than me. My currant boyfriend, and the absolute best relationship I ever have had, is just as strong as I am and does not feel insecure about the fact that I have a good strong head on my shoulders, I think he likes it, and it has certaily never been a concern of his.
Who I speak to, how I act on a daily basis, and how I speak to him or treat him is gennerally not a problem either. I don't have any rules set by him, I behave respectfully because that's how you treat a person, I am submissive because I can't help it and enjoy treating him in a kind and caring manner because I love him. He is always willing to hear my side of an issue, and feels we are equals who love and care for each other.
Now, every once in awhile when we fight I loose my head simply because I'm not thinking, and I sometimes raise my voice so loud the neighbors can hear. At these moments he immediatly "puts me in line". It only takes a few words and the look of his eyes to silence me. Also, sometimes I do say things that are out of line, I'm not claiming to be perfect, and again he will silence me in an instant.
When I get out of line in this way I would absolutely allow him to punish me. I have a high pain tollerance and I know that he would have to use his belt for quite a bit to really punish me. (I am erotically turned on when spanked normally, so in order to punish me I would have to mentally click past that point) I feel I deserve to be punished durring these particular circumstances, and would benefit from a stern spanking. I have a high pain tollerance as well, always have, and I don't cry when I'm in pain so I'm not sure if I would cry. (I am a animal trainer professionally and understand that in order to correct a behavior the correction must be firm enough to discourage the behavior from continuing again) I also would like to be punished, less severly, if my grades go below a C+, I am in college and find it hard to concentrate on my schoolwork sometimes.
My question is- How do I communicate this need to my boyfriend? I don't want him to controll me, and know he won't anyway, but would benefit from some discipline and know he is strong enough to deliver it effectively without using it to his own means.
I would also like to say that I don't think you can punish a woman into submission. I think that's ridiculous, and could be abusive. Submission is a feeling inside of you that just happens naturally, and deepens as you get to know your partner. It is not something that can be taught, or forced, and I believe a woman needs to find a man who is at least as mentally strong as she is, if not stronger, for submission to occur. For those of us ladies who are naturally strong, this can be hard sometimes but I'm convinced now that finding the right man is worth it. It's a hard thing to explain, but you WILL know when it happens. I began to feel submissive to my man durring our first coffee together, and have been ejoying my submissive role ever since. Good Luck Gals! Oh, and thanks in advance for giving me some ideas on how to bring up the idea of disciplinary spanking to my boyfriend, I appreciate your ideas
Me and my wife havent been practicing domestic discipline for a very long, only about 7 months. The other night she broke about three rules in one day. She didnt do a single one of her chores,so I came home to a messy house. Then she lied to me. She told me she didn't do any of her chores because she was sick all day. I later found out that she went out to lunch, went shopping, then got her nails done instead of doing chores. Which breaks another rule in itself. She isn't supposed to go out with friends untill at least half her chores are done. Anyways, like I said, we haven't been in a DD relationship very long, and I feel like we aren't ready to do a spanking as advanced as this. But what she did goes beyond a regular spanking. Thats where I don't know what to do. Should I use a different spanking implement like my belt instead of my hand? Or should I combind a few different punishments like spanking plus corner time plus remove her "going out" privleges for a week? I told her she was getting her punishment by Friday so the quicker the response the better. Thanks.
-Dave
@Dave (Anon) 1.Aug.12 11:12am - Oh my - of course, I am not an HoH, but IMHO, if you have not been practicing DD very long, an advanced level spanking is not the best idea.
I can tell you how my HoH would have handled the situation. I would have received 3 separate spankings (1 - not doing chores, 1 - lying, 1 - disrespect involved in deliberately breaking all the rules) on 3 separate days as well as getting grounded for going out without doing chores. We had been practicing DD longer so the spankings would not have been at the beginner level, but there still would have been 3 individual ones - for the 3 individual rules that were broken.
Hope this helps. Good luck on your journey.
Cat
@Anon 24.Ju.12 10:41am - If you have been in a committed relationship for at least 6 months, I would suggest you read the post Clint wrote about approaching your husband (boyfriend) regarding DD: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html. After you have discussed this with him, he might need time to consider if this type of relationship is something he wants, so give him a bit of space to reflect. Don't push! If he agrees or just wants more information, you might want to read through the posts on this blog in advance and pick out a few "beginning" posts for him. Just remember, there is a lot of information here that he will need to absorb so don't overwhelm him. :)
Good luck - hope everything works out well for you.
@Anonymous (July 24th 10:41 AM) - I appreciate you sharing your story with us. I apologize for the late response as well. I'm just getting caught up with the comments.
I think Cat gave you some great advice and I don't have much to add to her response to you. I would give your boyfriend plenty of information to read (it doesn't have to be from this site, either - just any information that resonates with you about how you want DD to be done in your relationship) and discuss the idea of DD with him at length, very calmly and maturely.
If he decides that DD is for your relationship, then I wish you both the best in getting started!
@Dave - That's definitely a tough situation. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all of that. There's a lot on your plate, certainly.
I'd recommend breaking down the offenses and assigning punishments to each one. I see three offenses here - ignoring her chores, lying, and going out when half of her chores were not done. Here's how I would recommend this be handled:
For ignoring her chores, I would remove ALL her privileges and have her earn them back, one at a time, for the completion of each chore. For instance, once the laundry is completed, then she earns her TV privileges back. That's just an example, but you get the idea. I would put a time frame on this as well (all chores need to be done by Friday night at 8:00pm, for instance) and spank if she does not get them all done in time (if you end up having to spank, return the privileges and be done with that offense).
For lying, I would spank, and honestly I would spank rather hard. Lying isn't something I mess around with, but that's just me. Ultimately you decide.
For going out, I would recommend spanking (on a separate day), and removing her privilege to go out with friends for a while (say..two weeks or so).
I agree that advanced level is a little too intense for a couple with just 7 months experience. I would slightly intensify the spankings from how you do them now, without getting carried away, of course.
I hope this helps you out, Dave. Good luck to you.
-- Clint
@Dave - I'm revising my initial recommendation - if you have to spank for the chores thing, I would NOT give her privileges immediately back after the spanking. I would still withhold them until she gets the chores done. She still needs to understand that they need to get done, even after the spanking.
Sorry for the revision. It's late and I'm a little sleepy. I hope you understand.
-- Clint
Hi Clint, It's nice to have your website and advice. It is a very helpful resource and really the only one on the internet. Kudos to you. I need some help/advice. In your opinion, what would be an appropriate punishment? My wife and I have been in a DD relationship for 2 years. It has helped us. However, I still do have questions and we still have issues. I need help with how to appropriately punish for my wife (who is 26; I am 32) for receiving a speeding ticket in the mail. I just recieved it late last night. There is a photo shot of her car and license plate and the offence is speeding in a residential zone going 47 in a 35. The fee is $100. It states that this happened on July 17, 2012 at 6:52 PM. We have a very strict rule against speeding and any traffic-related offenses, especially when it affects her safety. I think going 10 over the speeding limit, especially in a residential area is very bad adn wrong. And she knows this. the second thing is that lying is very serious (as you agree). She was grounded that week in July and I find out from this ticket that she was in fact driving/out of the ouse when she should have been at home grounded and not using the car. This is the night I had to work late at a marketing event. It was unbelievable when I saw this. I still don't know where she went that evening and she never brough it up. I doubt she knew she would get a ticket as there are speeding cameras around town and at stop lights that sometimes you aren't sure about/you aren't sure are there or not. So, she may not have known about that. So, I would like to bring it up tonight or no later than tomorrow and need help with a punishment. She hasn't lied in awhile (or at least I haven't caught her in awhile - at least 4 months). She hasn't gotten any speeding tickets for about a year. the last night she did, I spanked for it (about 20 spankings with the paddle) because she was going 10 over the speeding limit on the highway. I am thinking of this: grounded for 1 month period from going out and ALSO from the car until she can learn to drive better and obey the rules (she does not work and we do not have children) and a very serious advanced spanking (I'm talking bare bottom with the cane or crop or a combination). I'm not sure but depending on her attitude, I'm thinkg of at least 50 strokes and then corner time. It would be nice to have your opinion on how you would punish or your suggestions. I think speeding in a residential area is particulary serious. I know the decision is ultimately mine, but need help too as I know no one else who practicies DD and I value your opinion. I think this needs to be address asap as you have advised on your website. Thanks, Mike
@Mike - I'm glad you enjoy the site! Thank you for reading and supporting LDD. Supporters like yourself definitely keep me going.
There are a lot of moving parts to your unfortunate situation. There are four problems that I see here. One, the speeding/ticket. Two, breaking her grounding restriction at the time of the incident. Three, the $100 fine. Four, lying/deception/keeping things from you. I recommend each be dealt with separately, and here are my recommendations for each problem:
1) - The speeding/ticket: Given the danger of speeding, particularly in a residential area, I would recommend a spanking for something like this. The severity of that spanking is your choice, but this is an offense that not only risks her life, but innocent other drivers as well. I'll just say that if I were in your situation, the spanking would be a rather intense one.
2) - Breaking her grounding restriction: I recommend grounding for this, however I would do so at double the length of the July grounding time frame. For instance, if she was grounded for a week at the time of the infraction, I would now ground for TWO weeks. I would also make it clear that if she breaks the grounding restrictions again, she'll be spanked for it.
3) - The $100 fine. I think we can all agree this $100 could have been better spent elsewhere, and has unnecessarily caused you an additional financial stress/strain. I would recommend you not allow your wife to do something, or buy something, that is of nearly equal value. For example, if she regularly gets her hair done once a month, I would not allow her to do that for a couple of months (whatever is close in value of $100). Just an example, but hopefully you understand what I mean. It's not necessarily about the monetary value, it's about showing her that $100 was wasted and could have been better spent elsewhere, or on something she would much rather use it for (like getting her hair done).
4) - Lying/Deception: This is something I recommend husbands spank for, however I would NOT spank twice on the same day. If you choose to spank twice (once for the speeding/ticket, and once for the lying), I would do so on separate days.
Please understand these are just my recommendations and my opinions, since you asked for them. In the end the punishments are your choice.
I'm sorry to hear you're currently dealing with this, but I certainly hope things work out for you both in the end. I hope this helps you out, Mike. Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
Thanks, Clint. I pretty much followed your suggestions. I hope she has learned her lesson - seems like she has. It was tough but I know it was for the better. She still has another spanking for tomorrow and I also have to figure out what to do as the reason she left during restriction is because she wanted to catch a movie with her friend (while I was at a marketing event about 30 minutes from town). I've already grounded her for 2 weeks (double) since she was grounded for just 1 week last time. But I am extending her grounding another 2 weeks but only as to the movies (so grounded from leaving the house/everything for 2 weeks and the another 2 weeks just from the movies). She cried and begged me to let it go and the spanking tomorrow too but I stood my ground. Her behavior was good afterwards and she has been behaving exceptionally all night as I think she wants me to go easy on her tomorrow (she made a wonderful dinner and cleaned the house). We'll see how she behaves tomorrow and for the next month during her grounding. I warned her that if she broke restriction again, then she get another spanking and be grounded for 2 months. I think we all know she learned her lesson from today. Thanks again for your help.
@Mike - It was my pleasure. I'm glad I could help in some fashion. It sounds like things were handled appropriately, and I'm sure everything will work out for the best in the long run.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
You know what really and truly bugs me about the DD lifestyle, albeit I agreed to it and I do see there are benefits in it for me. It's having rules just for the sake of them, rules that are still stringently enforced even after hundreds of years of being together. It's such a bore. Having to ask permission to leave the gates even for five minutes means I can never behave spontaneously at all. He says that what I mean is I can't behave impetuously. I've brought this up time and again in reviews how unnecessary and unreasonable it is - and I think you'll agree it's ****ing ridiculous. I'm a grown up but I'm not supposed to even go up the postbox without permission - and if he's out I'm supposed to phone him, and if he doesn't answer I am to stay put. It's been a source of contention for a very long time. He says he's really sorry I still feel that way but it's a hard and fast rule and it stays. I'm sure he realises that in fact I do sneak out sometimes without mishap, although I'm not quite brave enough to admit it to him. Really I can't think of any way of reasoning with him to relax the rule, because there's no other purpose to it as far as I can see, than to inconvenience me and make me accountable. Any (respectful) suggestions anyone can come up with that I could use to persuade a Scorpio man to ease up a bit will be gratefully received.
@Dameslfly - In your reviews, does he give you a reason for this rule? I can understand if you were going to be gone for a while but walking to the mailbox? Before we had cell phones, I used to have to leave a note as to where I'd gone and when I expected to be back. After cell phones, it was send a text with the same info. Would this be a compromise you could both live with? You might also try giving him the definitions for spontaneous (spur-of-the-moment, unplanned) vs impetuous (rash, unthinking).
Sorry, can't think of anything else at the moment.
Good Luck,
Cat
Thank you Cat. I tried your suggestion. His (outstandingly clever and witty) response is that I can be as spontaneous as I please as long as it is at home where I'm supposed to be. He is going to thank me not to raise the subject again.
That rule was put into place when we lived in a not very salubrious area (17 years ago) and it made perfect sense so I never questioned it.
@damselfy 17.Sep 3:25pm - So sorry my suggestion did not work. Do you review your rules on a regular basis (yearly, quarterly, etc.)? If so, then the only other thing I can think of is to bring it up during your rule review. Just tell him you understood why the rule was originally in place but respectly ask his reasoning for keeping it in place since the situation has changed.
Good Luck,
Cat
@Damselfy
I will follow Cat's advise. I will also suggest that you look for other reason that it affects you. We had the same rule but I explained that since I have depression problems sometimes it is good for me to just go take a walk... do you have the same problem? I do have to text where I am going but don't have to wait for a response. I am a home person so this happens rarely....and work keeps me busy and we have same schedules so we are home at the same time... not much of a problem.
I will ask if anyone has any suggestions..... he wants to implement a new rule and I am completely against it.... he said we will talk more about it but it is his job to put rules. Since it involves my family and he has known since we were dating how important they are to me I am putting respectfully my foot down..... I just hope it doesn't create problems between us. This is the first time I am refusing to submit to him.... and I think he is mad and disappointed that I am saying NO to him and not to my family. RULE: I have to put a limit to my family... in things I do for them or my baby nephews. Let them solve their own problems and don't bend backwards to help them. Thanks
P.S. I do a lot for my patents (he doesn't mind about this) but I also babysit, and do other stuff for them....my sister supported me emotionally through my worst moments and helped with housing while I went to college.... I feel like I own them and we are best friends. We doesn't approve of this.
Maria
I really dont know how to ask this without sounding weird, but my husband and i have been in this type of relationship about 2 years now, only we just incorporated the spankings into it about 2 months ago. I so want to submit completely to him and I completely trust him and love him with all my heart, but when it comes to getting my spanking, I resist, it takes me a good 15 minutes or so to get the nerve up or get the resisting out to allow him to do this, and even then i resist and squirm. I don't want to be this way, and I feel so guilty afterwards, and feel like I have disappointed my husband. Is there something he can do to help me fight the resistance? I haven't even cried yet, and he has given me some pretty good swats, but the most he has ever given me maybe was 12, and with a paddle, hes never left marks or anything, and I have quite a high tolerance for pain so I just keep feeling the need to resist and rebel, and I honestly don't know why, I want nothing more then to give my self completely and let him guide me and correct me. Do you have any advice for us?
@Anon 21.Sep 7:10am - You don't sound weird. It is sometimes hard to submit even when you have incorporated spanking for a long time. Here are some questions for you to ask yourself and discuss with your husband:
Are you in the correct frame of mind when your husband spanks you?
Does he lecture prior to spanking?
Does he lecture long enough?
Do you really listen to his words?
Do you understand why you are receiving a spanking?
Does he express his disappointment?
Do you feel remorseful after the spanking?
Do you cry during or after the spanking?
Clint has written several posts that might help you - just copy/paste these links into your browser:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/04/art-of-lecture.html
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/06/importance-of-crying.html
Clint created the Learning Domestic Discipline Intersection which arranges the posts into a format that is a bit easier to follow. Here is the link: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-learning-domestic-discipline.html
I would suggest you look at the section "I'm a beginner and still learning my way" - especially the ones that begin with "Addressing Spanking Issues...".
Blessings in your journey, hope this helps.
Cat
Thank you so much to Cat and Anonymous for taking an interest. Just to let you know though, I'm not at all imprisoned - we've got a biggish garden I can go for walks in. So long he's around to say yes he rarely refuses to let me go somewhere without very good reason. But I'm going to have to drop it for a few months or it will sound like nagging.
I found out my wife had an affare. We want to work it out. I have given her spankings before for lessor things. Spankings were usually in the intermediate range. Should i be spanking her every few days for awile because of her actions with the affare. She broke so many rules, she is willing to take the punishments. Let me know what has worked in this situation. Thanks
@Anon 3.Oct 7:13am - I do know of one couple who were in a similar situation so I can give you an overview of how they handled it. He implemented a strict check-in policy - she was not allowed to go anywhere without his knowledge/approval and had to check in with him at specified times. Sometimes he showed up where she said she was just to verify. She was grounded from going out to dinner with her girlfriends indefinitely as this is how she met the man and the girlfriends knew and helped cover up the affair. He worked out of schedule of spankings for the different rules she violated - intermediate-level spankings once a week for every lie she told him to cover up the affair and advanced-level spankings once a week for every time she met with the man. They also attended marriage counseling to understand why she went outside the marriage and help him deal with feelings of anger, hurt and resentment. He also had a lot of work to do to try and learn to trust her again. Two years later, they were happy in their marriage. If they had not lost their lives in an accident, I have no doubt they would still be happy and together.
I don’t know if this will help, only you can decide what is best for you and your marriage.
Good luck and blessings,
Cat
Hi Clint,
I wanted to let you and fellow HOHs know of a new implement I used on my misbehaving wife yesterday after work. It was quite effective and seemed to be the "most severe" implement according to my wife. It is a "jar opener" that you can get at home improvement stores (it's a long rubber like strap with a round end (typically to go over the jar). It is only to be used in our household for the most severe offenses and punishments. My wife has definitely learned her lesson. After her spanking, she had to stand in the corner for 20 minutes but wasn't allowed to rub her red bottom. In addition to her whipping she had to stand in the corner for another 20 minutes before bed last night. She is in tip top behavior today. Thanks for all your great advice. Paul
@Paul - The overall tone of your comment comes off as though you're proud of the multiple punishments you've given your wife, and proud of "whipping" her. Bragging about it is your choice, but it's very off-putting. "One-upping" other HoH's or trying to impress others by sharing your excessive punishments isn't going to go very far on this website.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't intend to sound as cruel as you did in your comment. I'm glad you've found an implement that works best for you.
All the best to you, Paul.
-- Clint
Hi Clint,
I red carefully your advices. My wife is a tough dominant woman in her 40th, used to command in her work and who doesn't want to show her emotions.
In particular she takes the punishment as a challenge and she wants to prove that she can take the pain stoically without showing any weaknesses.
The point is not that she cannot cry from the pain of the punishment, but that she doesn't want.
Now this is a challenge also for me: I have no problem in delivering very painful spanking, provided that they are agreed in advance by both of us, but I need some suggestion how to make the pain at a level she doesn't expect and that break her tolerance.
What do you think?
Thank you for your help.
@Anonymous (October 30th 4:41 PM) - Often times the lecture plays a much more important part than the punishment itself does when it comes to the woman crying (or not). I would focus on making the lecture more intense, not the spanking. Also, crying isn't absolutely mandatory to get a positive effect from a spanking. I just thought I'd include that in my response to you.
If you're looking to help your wife get her emotions out by crying, I would suggest you work on your lecturing prior to the punishment. You should see signs of remorse from her by the end of the lecture. If you do not see that from her, then she may not be understanding how her behavior is negatively impacting your marriage. It's important for her to realize that, and you need to be the one to help her come to that realization.
I would also encourage you to let your wife know how her wanting to "prove that she can take the pain stoically" does not help matters at all. In fact, that makes matters much worse for HER. Without any kind of cue from her that the message is getting though to her, you may have a hard time knowing when to stop spanking, which puts her at risk. So it would be in her best interest to refrain from trying to prove that she's tough, or prove that she can handle an intense spanking without coming to tears from it. It's just a terrible way for her to handle the situation. It doesn't help anything at all, and proves nothing in my opinion.
Those are my thoughts on your situation. I certainly hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
Clint - I'm new to this - so I have a question.
I would like to know, if punishing a wife also gives relief to the husband? If my HOH was so upset with me that he had to spank me - wouldn't spanking me also make him feel better too? You wrote somewhere, that spanking really relieves a bad conscience on the part of the wife, makes her feel better and creates a clean slate, - shouldn't the husband feel just as good or relieved? I don't want my husband to feel bad after punishing me.
Isn't spanking me for my own good the way to make me a better wife?
Lucy
I hope you don't mind but I had nothing to do so I'm using my secretarial skills to go through your posts and remind you on what pages you have outstanding questions/comments to answer. Looks like so far there is a lot of comments you have to catch up on, Boss!
I would like to share my new understanding with you all, but especially Cat. On Christmas Day a friend of ours explained the purpose behind the red hot rule that I may not leave the house without first getting permission. Now that I understand it I accept it with grace. The purpose is to prevent the relationship from slipping into vanilla. It's that simple. Things like the way I address him, etc. have become so second nature that is's easy to lose the frisson. I should also say that my husband has told me this several times but I was always too angry and frustrated to grasp it. I've been mistaking it for a trust issue and been getting upset that he checks the security system.
I guess I'm not that good at being submissive
I would like to share my new understanding with you all, but especially Cat. On Christmas Day a friend of ours explained the purpose behind the red hot rule that I may not leave the house without first getting permission. Now that I understand it I accept it with grace. The purpose is to prevent the relationship from slipping into vanilla. It's that simple. Things like the way I address him, etc. have become so second nature that is's easy to lose the frisson. I should also say that my husband has told me this several times but I was always too angry and frustrated to grasp it. I've been mistaking it for a trust issue and been getting upset that he checks the security system.
I guess I'm not that good at being submissive
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