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Learning Domestic Discipline
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Frequently Asked Spanking Questions - Part I
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51 comments:
I have to say as the spanked wife, its extremely difficult to not wriggle about, its really hard not to put hands behind your back in an attempt to protect yourself and near impossible not to rub afterward.
My "goal" so to speak is to submit to punishment and stay in position - yet to be achieved but a continual work in progress.
I have been restrained in the past which works well - i cant move nor can i move my hands.
I think if i were instructed to not rub after a punishment then I wouldnt rub after a punishment, until allowed to.
it is really hard but as time goes on it becomes easier. I wouldn't have thought it possible at first, but now I can stay there and I have recently stopped putting my hand back. I just beg very quietly and pleed for him to stop! I even place my leg over the other one to try to prevent myself from kicking. It's funny to think as 6 months ago I jumped aroudn all over the place!
Hi Clint -
You've said somewhere else on your blog that new comment posts come up on your phone as they're posted, I'd emailed you something that may/may not fall into the FAQ category, it likely will apply to some folks and you can post it at your discretion.
It's coming from a yahoo address so possibly fell into your spam bin.
I have a question. If the HOH punishes for something he later finds out that he was wrong to punish for (IE she did not do the offense) should he apologize and make ammends?
@Anonymous (September 9th 1:12 PM) - I apologize I haven't gotten to your emails. With my recent computer issues, I've fallen way behind on emails. I'll certainly check my email for yours and I will respond to it as quickly as I can. I certainly appreciate your understanding and patience.
@Anonymous (September 10th 2:01 PM) - Yes, I feel the HOH should acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and explain he punished under incorrect information he was given. It's always best - for both spouses - to apologize for mistakes made which directly effect the other spouse.
Thank you both for your comments. All the best to you.
-- Clint
I'd like to pose this as a hypothetical situation and perhaps you would share your opinion of the situation. If you and your wife were friends with another couple that practices DD, and you were privy to information that the other wife did something while with your wife, that you knew her husband would want to know about, would you share that information with the husband? Or how would you handle it? Thank you.
Why is the HOH supposed to b male? Also why is DD supposed to b more focused on punishment then rewards. I have a friend who has a DD system set up in his house based solely on rewarding good behavior. What's wrong with that?
@Kin - I would let the other husband know about it and here's why - If my wife were doing something dangerous or detrimental while away from me, I would want to know about it so I could fix it and ultimately protect her and our family from the potential consequences of her mistake. A husband can't fix what he doesn't know is wrong. With that said, I feel it's only fair to help another DD couple get the problem fixed in their marriage by letting the husband know about the mistakes his wife is making so he can correct them. Although the wife may not understand in that moment, it would be beneficial to her, her husband, and their marriage in the long run. I think deep down she knows that.
@Anonymous - The HOH isn't "supposed" to be male, or HAS to be male, but in the majority of DD relationships the HOH is the husband/male. There are female lead relationships (FLR), but those types of relationships aren't something I agree with, nor do I discuss them on my blog. THAT ISN'T TO SAY THEY ARE WRONG, I simply don't agree with FLR's, as I'm sure many people don't agree with DD in general, or agree with my advice and recommendations on my blog. I certainly don't expect every person to agree with it.
I've never said anywhere on this blog that a relationship "based solely on rewarding good behavior" was wrong. If it works for that particular couple and they are both happily married, then there's nothing wrong with it at all.
Thank you for your comment and I wish you the best.
-- Clint
I'm still trying to decide on what action to take, and appreciate the feedback. Can I ask a hypothetical question from the other side? If you were told by the other DD husband or wife that your wife had done something pretty serious, would you punish based on the information you were given? What if your wife denied it, when you asked? Thank you.
Clint, we love your blog! You have such reasonable, logical and level-headed advice togive and share. Your focus is on a loving relationship and always maintaining that quality, especially in punishment, never supporting humiliation and that is a refreshing change from the fetish sites, even the ones that support DD.
I also enjoy the blogs you have linked to your site, and again appreciate that you don't link to the fetish sites, as so many do. I have to say that the Knowing your Roles, Rogue's Awakening, Red Booty Woman are three of my favorites!!
Please keep the blog going with new information and articles. We're going to share your site with some long time friends who are going to start DD in their marriage.
Just wanted to share those comments.
I have a question about children in a home with DD present. I'm not asking about spanking vs not spanking children. I'm assuming that if the husband is the leader in the home, the HoH, that includes decisions about children. What those decisions are can be different between families, but would you see the HoH being the children's sole disciplinarian as well? Would this be a case of "wait till your father gets home" or would it threaten his leadership role if the wife/mother of the children also disciplined? As a new father, how do you see discipline for your children working? I hope that's not too personal to ask. Thank you!
I personally...and I know you aren't asking me and you don't know me...so take it with a grain of salt. But I think it is wrong to spank your children. Discipline can be removing privileges and time out and later grounding. Both parents have to be able to discipline in these non-abusive ways because the children have to respect both their parents and especially if the mother is the one around the children more (if she is a stay at home mother or something close to).
The trouble here, is first that children cannot consent to being punished physically and in a DD relationship between a man and his wife, both parties are consenting adults. Secondly, it is not psychologically advisable, other punishments might take more patience and time but they work just as well without the emotional damage to a child.
If you still are going to hit your children as punishment, the "waiting until your dad gets home" stuff is one of the worst ways to do this punishment because it is not immediately following the negative behavior and so the behavior and the consequence don't follow naturally in a child's mind. They won't focus on their bad behavior, like with a time out, they will spend the time waiting for dad only thinking about the punishment.
Sorry this is long and opinionated, but I'm a parent and I've studied psychology and I just hope to help other parents make good decisions. Emotional scars from childhood can really damage a person.
Anyways, take care.
Sarah
Sarah,
Thank you, but I wasn't speaking about spanking children. I specifically said "I'm not asking about spanking vs not spanking children". I was asking about the HoH's leadership when it comes to disciplining children in a family (including time outs, removing priviledges etc).
Oh good okay. Then yeah, definitely both parents need to discipline their children. For some many reasons as mentioned above but also because the children need to learn to respect women and see that they do have some control and power. Even if they grow up to be in DD relationships, the woman in that relationship needs to know how to respect herself and speak up for herself and the men need to respect their wives a lot. So, definitely both parents need to discipline. It is all part of being a mother and not like an older sister or something.
Thanks for responding to my post.
Sarah
@Kin - I wouldn't punish right away, but I would definitely look into it. I would research is as best as I could by asking my wife about it first, then friends, neighbors, etc. to try to get to the bottom of the problem. If I found it to be accurate, then I would punish for it.
If my wife denied it from the start, I would trust that she was telling me the truth and I wouldn't punish, however, if I felt she may be lying or stretching the truth a little, then I would look further into it as I said in the answer to your first question. My first inclination is to trust that my wife is telling the truth though. I would hope she respected me enough to be honest with me.
Hope this helps and best of luck to you!
@Caroline - Thank you so much! That was very kind of you to take the time to share your thoughts and opinions of the blog, as well as the other blogs I've linked to. Thank you very very much for your kind words.
You know, the authors of the three blogs you mentioned are all a part of the LDD Social Network. If you'd like to join, you could get to know them all personally. They're all tremendously nice people, particularly the author of Knowing Your Roles. She's amazing. She's also my wife. :)
New content will be coming shortly. I'm still trying to catch up on comments and emails. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but be patient. New stuff is coming! Thank you for spreading the word about my blog as well. That means a lot to me. All the best to you.
-- Clint
@Anonymous (September 18th 4:52 PM) - Raising children is a two parent job, in my opinion. I agree that the HOH should be the primary disciplinarian when it comes to disciplining his children, taking into account how his wife feels about the situation. However, when the HOH is unable to punish (at work, out of town, etc.), I feel the wife/mother should carry out the punishment when necessary. I think it's a good idea for her to contact her husband to discuss the issue and get his thoughts on what punishment should be administered, but if children aren't held accountable at all times it could be a recipe for disaster, and it would certainly make things harder on the wife. Is she never punished, the children would walk all over her.
I don't think it would threaten the HOH's role if the wife/mother also punished. If both parents discuss the situation and agree on an appropriate punishment, then I think either parent can carry out that punishment, with the HOH doing it the majority of the time/whenever possible.
Your third question is a bit personal, but I think by my answers to your previous two questions you can see how I feel about punishing my children. My wife and I will always discuss the problem/issue, we'll discuss an appropriate punishment for it, and whenever possible I'll carry out the punishment on our children. But, in those instances where I'm unable to do so, I'll expect my wife to carry out the punishments to the best of her ability.
My answers to your questions are my personal feelings on the matter. Any parent reading my answers to these questions needs to understand that this is just my personal view.
Hope that answers your questions! Thank you for your comment. I wish you the very best.
@Sarah - Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the comment of the previous anonymous poster. It's always nice to have another person share their thoughts/ideas on a situation such as this. I appreciate you taking the time to do so. All the best to you!
-- Clint
Thank you for the feedback Clint, I appreciate it.
My husband and I believe that it is mostly the wife's responsibility to raise the children, and that includes the discipline. I have to be pregnant for 9 months and breastfeed for 1-2 years, it is biologically my responsibilty to care for them. And we believe that is how God intends it. He takes care of the family, yes but that doesn't mean i can't punish them when he's home. Instead of getting him. That is just silly. DOes that mean that he doesn't punish them? of course not. We both do. But I do it more than him because I am with the kids more often. And of course he takes care of the kids if I need to go somewhere too. I do not consult him on what punishment to carry out. Howevery my kids are 6 and younger so their bad behavior is just little kid stuff. When they are older then we will discuss punishments together, even if my husband is home with them he will want to discuss with me what we will do when I get home.
@Anonymous (January 8th 10:34 AM) - I appreciate you taking the time to comment, but I think you may be misunderstanding the blog. This blog is about discipline within a relationship between two consenting adults, as in one life partner disciplining another consensually - not about disciplining children. Regardless, thank you for your comment and I wish you and your family all the best going forward into the future.
-- Clint
My husband gave me a pretty severe spanking this afternoon. Is it normal that I am having lower back pain and pain in the muscles in my thighs?
I'm not sure if it's related to the spanking but I can't think of anything else that could have caused it.
We followed your advanced level spanking pretty close to the mark so i'm not sure why. He used a switch on me and then his belt. I still have red marks from the switch and some bruises too. I don't mind the marks and redness. i'm an easy bruiser and I tend to have bruises after a spanking. But I've never been sore like this. I'm not sure why that is... I would appreciate some advice on why you think I'm so sore and how to maybe prevent it if you know how... Thanks.
@Anonymous (January 11th 5:34 PM) - It's normal to have soreness in the thighs, however there isn't typically pain in the lower back unless the strikes from the spanking fell too high on the buttocks. Make sure your husband understands the strikes need to fall on the lower part of the buttocks, or the sit spot, so there isn't any damage to the lower back. When spanking, I'd advise him to error on the side of caution. What I mean by that is that it's better to erroneously spank too low than to erroneously spank too high.
Some women bruise more easily than others, which sounds like the case with you. Women with anemia are easy bruisers as well. It does happen from time to time. Typically switches and belts leave welts, not bruises. If it bruised from these implements, I'd imagine your husband was striking slightly too hard. Those implements tend to leave the "damage" on the surface of the buttocks rather than deeper down, which is where bruising usually occurs. That leads me to believe he was striking too hard.
I'd recommend he lighten up the strength of his strikes a little bit. I'd also recommend he rub the buttocks to comfort you (if you want him to do that, that is) since it's been hours from the spanking and he likely struck too hard. That isn't your fault by any means. I don't typically recommend rubbing afterward, but in this particular instance it's probably a good idea.
I'm sorry to hear about the bruising. I hope you get feeling better soon, and I think once you're husband makes the necessary adjustments, you won't deal with this problem many more times in the future.
All the best.
-- Clint
I agree with a lot of what you write on this website, but I have to disagree with you about rubbing. Rubbing does little to reduce the pain. It distracts the brain a bit, but the underlying pain remains. When my husband rubs my buttocks during a break or after a spanking, it restablishes and reinforces thethe bond andtrust between us. When I rub, it provides some feedback and focus for my own reflection. I think, "That hurt. Doesn't feel like it's bleeding, though. It's going to be alright. I just have to stop texting while driving so I don't get another spanking like this again!"
-- A-Non
Okay so I am confused,
We are new to this. I have been spanked a few times. I am having a hard time figuring something out. I gave him permission to spank. I like the feeling after the spanking, not turned on, just that I need him. But I do not like the spanking. He just tried a punishment. How in the heck does a women sit still? I feel awful, like I totally failed him, I couldn't finish what I asked him to do. In truth I got very pissed off. He was unable to hold me. Then I said, and truley felt that DD was stupid, and I called everyone and everything related to it a few names.
Now that I am calm, I still want this lifestyle. The little bit I have experienced feels awsome. I have never needed my husband, but this makes me feel so in love with him. I feel like a failure. He kept asking if I was mad at him, but I couldn't tell him that I hated I couldn't finish. How to you fight through the urge to move? Does anyone else get so angry? How can I say and feel I want it, but can't finish a punishment. I need some advice for my attitude. How do I fix this?
Too confused
@A-Non - There are times where I feel rubbing is beneficial, but immediately after the spanking isn't one of those times. I suppose we do disagree on this, but you're comment was a terrific one. I thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. :)
@Too confused - The first thing I would recommend you and your husband do is discuss whether or not you BOTH want DD a part of your marriage. Going back and forth on the idea is going to lead to more problems than it helps, as you've illustrated. DD requires "nonconsensual consent", and for the definition of that you can find it on the Glossary post on this blog. That, hands down, is the most important thing you two need to do. You have to decide one way or another and commit wholeheartedly to that decision.
Moving around during a spanking is 100% normal. That literally happens to everyone, particularly when first starting out with the lifestyle. The idea is to get you to hold as still as possible so the spanking can be conducted without jeopardizing your safety. "As still as possible" does NOT mean 100% perfectly still. As I talked about in this post, moving around violently can lead to long term harm if the husband misses the buttocks when he strikes. I also talked about how to address this problem in this post.
Addressing a "moving around" issue is a work in progress. Just as with correcting any behavior, an immediate consequence is the best way to correct it. The more you're held accountable for these actions with a consequence, the better you will get at holding still (or as still as possible). Where you're just starting out, this may take a month or longer to get it where it needs to be. It's important that your husband consistently address it until he's comfortable with the results.
You're anger isn't typical, however. Something is going wrong, and I believe it to be the lecturing/discussion prior to the spanking. Your anger may stem from not fully committing to the lifestyle as well, but I believe it to be more related to the lecturing. The lecturing either isn't taking place at all, or it's not being done long enough/correctly. You're not fully accepting the concept that your behavior was unwanted, dangerous or detrimental and not fully accepting your consequence to that behavior. Getting you to that point is your husbands responsibility, and I've outlined how to go about it in "The Art of the Lecture" post on this blog. Once you can say something along the lines of, "I know my behavior was out of line, and I understand my punishment will be __________" out loud, then the punishment, particularly a spanking, will go much more smoothly and you won't be angry. You've accepted the consequence at that point so there's nothing to be angry about.
I hope this helps, and sorry I talk so much. I wish you the very best with everything!
-- Clint
Clint
Thank you so much. You were right about the lecture. He did not really say anything that time. I have told him he needs to state what I did wrong, but I think he has a hard time talking. I will read the post on the lecture with him tonignt.
Thank you for putting this site out there. Just to know there are others out there is a huge relief. Don't worry about talking too much, it really helps. I want this to workfor my husband and I, we just have a lot to figure out yet.
Thanks again, for being there. Too confused
Clint or another HOH,
We have just started DD, I initiated. We have had many ups and downs. We both are trying to figure this out. I asked him if he had a question he would like me to ask on this site. What he is wondering, is how a HOH deals with the pain he is inflicting on his wife during a punishment. Expecially when a mark is left. I have tried to reassure him that I am okay, that the marks do not bother me. I want him not to be afraid of my pain. I am afraid that if he can not find a way to cope, he will always be finding a way to let me off easy. That hurts more than the spank.
So any advice for him?
Thank you, a new couple
Clint,
My husband tried the punishment again. This time he did talk about what I did wrong. I did find this helpful. But I was wondering. He also told me how many swats I was going to get. I found that being able to count out the number helped a lot. Even though they hurt, I knew x more and I am done. Do you think this is okay?
Too confused
@Too confused - First of all, thank you for your kind words about the blog. It's nice to know it's appreciated and helpful to couples out there.
I typically recommend against counting strikes during a spanking, or informing the wife of the number of strikes before the spanking starts. The reason is because the wife will focus her thoughts on that rather than the issue they're addressing. She'll be thinking, "Ok, only 10 more to go..only 7 more to go..only 3 more to go.." rather than thinking about how she can learn from her mistake and correct it.
So to answer your question - is it okay? Sure, its okay if it works for you both, but I do recommend against doing so for the reason I mentioned.
I hope this helps you out. Good luck!
@A new couple - There's a lot going on in your question. Is he doing a warm up spanking when he punishes you? Warm ups help with not leaving marks or bruising. If he isn't, I'd recommend that be a part of your spanking routine going forward. If he is, then I'd consider using a less dense implement and possibly lightening up the strength of the strikes, but adding a few more on the end of the spanking. I hope that made sense.
When you say it hurts you more that he finds a way to let you off easy than the spanking itself - Have you told him this? This is definitely something he needs to know about. The more feedback you can give him about anything DD related, the better.
I also encourage you to give him constant reassurance, and constant reminders of how much you appreciate the effort he's putting into your marriage. Keep letting him know that this is what you want, and keep letting him know that the spankings aren't what you consider to be "too hard" or something you cannot handle. You have a good man from the sound of it, and sometimes men need regular reassurance that they're doing the right thing for YOU, and for the marriage.
These feelings are normal when just starting out. It gets easier as you both ease into this lifestyle. The more times he goes through the process, the easier it will become for him. I wouldn't say it ever gets completely easy or "second nature" by any means, but it becomes more emotionally easier to accept for him as time goes on.
Just keep working together with him, keep giving him feedback, and keep encouraging him. You both can do it. :)
-- Clint
Clint,
Some sites are saying you should thank you hoh after punishment, and call him sir during punishment. Do you practice these? I thought I wanted this, but I am also scared too. I wonder if I am really commited, expecially when I read other sites, ie. Ldd. I guess I am confused at what submission means. Parts would be great, but giving your husband a, well...oral after punishment. I don't think I can do that. Does that mean I am not submissive? Was your wife nervous and confused at first?
This is going to be a bit of a rant, sorry... But why on earth do I want him to punish me? Why do I feel so close to him after a punishment? Why do I feel like I need him more even after so much pain. I why am I on the verge of tears all the time? I want tbese feeling of closeness, and I will try my best to submit so I can feel like this. But really it just does not make sence to me. Sometimes I feel like I want him to ...be really harsh, just so I can feel closer. Is that normal? A part of me says I am crazy.
I do not want to go back to where we were. Before if he slept on the couch I would say, good now I get the whole bed. The other day he fell asleep on the couch and I missed himand longed for him to come be near me.
I do not know if this is an answerable question. I am sorry. I love your blog. I think I should stay away from the other ones for awhile.
Thank you, still too confused.
Clint,
My husband and our friends planned a ski trip this weekend, which I was very excited about. Well, I overspent shopping and then lied about it and he found out. I not only disobeyed him, but I also talked back to him and was very disrespectful. Of course, punishment was imminent after several warnings. Even though I knew I would get into trouble if I continued on,but I didn't stop when he warned me. Now, instead of going on the trip, I'm stuck at home doing chores (cleaning the entire house, the garage, and the 2 cars in the garage). I'm not even allowed to leave the house. I have my cell pone and the internet, however, I am not allowed to watch any tv, have anyone over or anything! We have security cameras (which only he has access and control of) and he has them running to ensure that I don't break any of the rules during my punishment. Upon his return, he is going to examine everything and if everything is completed as he ordered, then I will only get the punishment spanking that he chose to put off until after the trip (to make me think about it while I'm here) (it will be a severe spanking). If he is not satisifed with everything upon his return, he said he would give me 2 severe spankings and more punishment (more chores, more grounding, etc.). I of course am doing everything to obey and complete the tasks he has assigned so that when he returns, all I'll get is the spanking. They all left on Friday for the trip and will return tomorrow. I was so upset that I couldn't go on the fun trip and cried a lot and now I know I have learned my lesson. It has been a miserable 2 days. I am about 3/4 done with my chores and there is nothing on the security cameras to call for any more punishment. So, when my husband returns, I will apologize to him and give him the apology letter and summary of what I have learned and how I am going to behave in the future (and writing lines), which he required me to write as part of my punishment. At times I want to just spill everything out telling him how unfair I think he was to punish me this way and that he owes me another ski trip. But part of me is afraid to. I really do think it was unfair. I feel like I am being punished multiple times for the same offense because I did have to return the clothese and shoes I bought which brough me over my spending limit. But then I was punished again by being grounded (not allowed to go the trip) plus the humiliation of our friends learning about everything, and then having to do chores, and then having to write an apology letter and summary AND writing lines ("I will not overspend or behave in this manner again towards my husband" 100 times), and then getting a punishment spanking upon his return. Isn't this overboard???!!!! Please give me some advice on how to handle this and your thoughts (what you would have done if your wife had committed the same offense). I just think my husband was unfair in administering this punishment for a litle overspending. Thanks, I could really use your input. Jessica
I also have to stand in the corner each day for 1 hour (7:00 to 8:00 p.m.) until he returns tomorrow night, which I have done so far each day. He knows if I have done this by his security camera so I made sure to obey. Again, multiple punishments!! I'd like to give him a piece of mind and when he returns, I will go on a ski trip with my friends without him. I'd like to see how he feels about that. Please help. Jessica
I believe in dd but I sometimes think some guys use it to have the wife be the maid. In Jessica's situation the loving part was definitely missing, that's a lot of punishment, you should really think about what works for you. In my opinion this is clearly way way over the line
@Still too confused - I'm not sure what other sites you're visiting (and I don't care to know, frankly), but requiring a partner to perform sexual favors is not part of a healthy Domestic Discipline relationship. Some couples include that in their "rules", and some people like to be treated that way, however it is the intents and purposes of this blog to keep such things out of the content throughout it. Such things are not what DD is all about. If a couple consensually agrees to such things then that's their choice, but here on the LDD blog you will not see such behavior supported, recommended or condoned simply because it isn't necessary to correct or reinforce behaviors.
Your questions in your "rant" (as you put it) would be better answered by women. I'll include my take, which is this: I think most women in this lifestyle KNOW a punishment helps them become safer, smarter, and better people and thus WANT to be held accountable for their actions in a form of a punishment from their husband. I think that's why some women WANT to be punished. It helps them a great deal, which is why they consent to this lifestyle.
Your other questions touch on the entire DD dynamic and it's difficult to put all the feelings experienced by both partners into words. A crying woman is in a vulnerable position, and wanting her husband to comfort her and hold her in those moments are perfectly normal feelings. I don't think it's crazy to want to be spanked to tears to clean the slate, and grow emotionally with your husband. A husband should want the same things. I would find it odd if a husband DIDN'T feel that way. Typically it's a husband's natural response to come to the aid/comfort of his crying wife. It's this connection and emotional bond that grows each time a spanking is administered. It's a really difficult dynamic to explain, but it's there. The only way to truly experience that growth in emotional bonding between husband and wife is to actually do this.
Perhaps other women can comment and give you their emotions. The questions and emotions you have are normal, you aren't crazy, and I encourage you to continue seeking the answers and understanding you're looking for. I wish you the very best of luck in doing so and I'm happy to help in any way I can.
-- Clint
@Jessica - I've only heard one side of the story (your side), so answering your "Isn't this overboard???" question is difficult to address. Based on what you've said in your comment it does seem excessive, but for all I know this is the 8th, 9th, or 10th time you've overspent and lied about it, or perhaps there was disrespect involved on top of it all, or temper tantrums, or whatever else. I'm not saying that's the case by any means, I'm simply illustrating why this is so hard to answer. I don't know the whole story. But, judging at face value here, it certainly does appear excessive.
What would I have done if it were my wife? Well, spending is typically a symptom of a separate underlying issue. Most women blow money or go shopping to relieve stress, or to "get away", or to "get even" (if their husband made them angry). It's THAT underlying issue that needs to be addressed before the spending problem (again, that's in most cases - not ALL of them). So with that said, I'd find out what was triggering this shopping response and address that first. After discussing everything, I would spank for the excessive spending, and I would spank again (the next day) for lying about it. I would still allow my wife to go on the ski trip (because it was likely planned weeks in advance and I'm not as heartless and insincere as I may come across at times), but for not listening and not cooperating, I would take some sort of privilege away for the week we return home from the ski trip. That's what I would have done.
Keep in mind, every HoH is going to handle this situation differently. I'm not saying the way I would handle this is the way your husband should have handled it. I'm saying that's what I would have done, and that's what yield the best results in my marriage. Every marriage is different.
Also, I'd highly recommend you discuss "going on a ski trip with your friends without him" with your husband first. I don't see that ending well for you if you don't.
Good luck with everything. I wish you the best.
-- Clint
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and he spanks me regularily, along with other punishments. I relate to the person who said they are afraid to say anything to their husband but feel they are being punished excessively and not being treated fairly. I feel the same but fear that my complaining will only bring about more punishment. Last night I was 12 minutes late getting home and it wasn't even my fault, but I spent the night on the wooden horse for it with 10 pound weights on each ankle. I was also given a violent hairbrush spanking as soon as I got in the door.
Granted, I am late fairly regularily but it's only ever by a few minutes. I relate to the woman who had to stay home from the ski trip because my husband told me this morning that if I am late one more time before our planned vacation at the end of April, I will not be going on the trip to England and will spend a full day on the wooden horse with 50 pound weights strapped to each ankle. The pain and discomfort are dreadful and I am terrified of being late again.
I don't know if realistically I can count on not being even one minute late before the trip. I can't control traffic, stoplights, and trains. He was adamant about it though. Last night's terrible punishment was enough to let me know he is very serious in his threats.
I do not want to divorce my husband and I know I need his guidance and discipline but sometimes I think his punishments are unfair and excessive. A month ago, we were at an office party and he thought I was flirting. We left the party early and I got spanked on the wooden horse for two hours with his hand and his belt when we got home. I really was not flirting though and was just being nice. My husband only spanked harder though when I denied it. Afterwards I had to stand in the corner naked for 3 hours and then I was sent to bed early with no dinner. He is extremely strict and even slaps me on the face or the mouth for backtalk or disrespect of any kind. If I argue with him, I get spanked. Sometimes he even washes my mouth with soap.
Should I try to talk to my husband? I'm afraid he will see it as questioning his authority and control over me and that I'll get in more trouble. I don't want to disrespect him or make him angry but I wish he wasn't so strict and a little more understanding. I don't think being 5 or 10 minutes late is unreasonable, do you?
Thanks for reading.
Housewife in Canada
@Housewife in Canada - I've debated for days on whether or not to publish your comment. I've talked to my wife about it and I've gone back and forth on whether or not I should publish your comment, but I understand you're looking for help and support, so I decided to go ahead and publish it. I apologize it took me quite some time to feel comfortable doing so.
What your husband is doing is completely inappropriate, unreasonable, and irrational - and forgive my bluntness, is abusive (assuming you do not consent to these types of punishments AND assuming this happens regularly). Without a doubt I feel these punishments are excessive and completely inappropriate. This is not what a Domestic Discipline lifestyle is about. Not even close, in fact. Slapping of the face should NEVER happen in any circumstance, and his punishments go far beyond what would be considered a reasonable extent.
Normally in a situation like this I would encourage a wife to talk to her husband about this, however given the nature of your comment, I feel that would put you at risk. My advice to you is to seek professional help in your area and get some kind of control over the situation to put a stop to this before it gets any worse.
Just to answer your last question - being 5 or 10 minutes late on occasion is completely understandable. There are circumstances that are beyond anyone's control, and being late can happen sometimes. Being a few minutes late on occasion is not unreasonable at all.
I'm concerned about you, Housewife in Canada. I think you'll find that others will be/are as well. I strongly encourage you to seek counsel in your area and get some help with this situation. It's not a healthy one to be in, again assuming you do not consent to his excessive punishments.
Good luck to you.
-- Clint
My wife is bipolar. She is a professional woman, is fairly controlled with her medications. We are new to DD. I don't know what behaviors are due to disrespect vs bipolar. Do you have any advice about this topic? I would not bring this up to her Dr.
Thanks for any advice you have to offer.
@Anonymous (April 7th 9:32 AM) - I'm terribly sorry to hear about your wife's condition. I can certainly understand how this could be difficult in determining what behaviors are a result of her condition and which ones are not.
The first thing I recommend you do is very strictly enforce a rule of her taking her medications as instructed by your doctor. You likely already do this, but it's obviously very important. Ensure she's taking those medications exactly as instructed.
Assuming she takes her medications properly, I would enforce the rules of your home as "normal." It's certainly important to be sensitive to her condition, however it's equally important for her to understand the rules and expectations of the home, and understand there will be consequences to any poor choice/defiant behavior she exhibits. I feel it's important to not allow her condition to become an excuse for any poor behavior she may display. I would, however, recommend against bedroom time when she's in a deep depression state, if she gets to that point (hopefully the meds will prevent it). In a manic state, I feel you're okay enforcing any punishment you feel is appropriate.
I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
-- Clint
How do i stop my wife clenching her bottom when spanking her? she only does this when i use the wood hairbrush on her bare bottom no other impliment?
during PMS, to spank or not to spank????? when she is moody and irritable, should an HOH be more strict or merciful and lenient?
@paul - I'd recommend letting your wife know before the spanking starts that any clenching will result in additional punishment. I'd recommend additional strikes at the end of the spanking, but in the end the additional punishment decision is yours to make.
I wish you the very best of luck with this issue.
@Anonymous (May 8th 5:37 PM) - My recommendation is that an HoH be neither of the options you mentioned. The HoH shouldn't be more strict, nor should he be merciful and lenient. The HoH should enforce the rules exactly as he would under any other normal circumstance. Consistency is crucial, even when a woman is experiencing her monthly cycle.
I completely understand the monthly cycle can make a woman irritable and emotional, however rules are rules regardless of the circumstance. It's important she understands that her monthly cycle is not an excuse to disrespect the agreed upon rules of the marriage.
I hope this helps you out. I certainly wish you the best of luck.
-- Clint
how can my husband spank me if i'm pregnant, i still need the disipline but don't want to harm the baby.
I can only say this, I envy you all for being in DD relationships. Would love to find a wife like that..
If I may ask- How does a relationship like this start- gradually or by incident, or by need on one or both parties side?
Looking forward to hear from you )
Daniel (South Africa)
@Anonymous (June 25th 4:02 PM) - The topic of spanking while pregnant has been discussed on the blog before. In the comments of the following post the topic is discussed by many:
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/02/domestic-discipline-obstacles-injury.html
I encourage you to read through the comments of that post. There are a lot of strong opinions, but a lot of great information from doctors and former doctors as well.
In the end, it's best to discuss spanking while pregnant with your personal doctor. Sorry I'm not more help on this topic.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! All the best to you.
@Daniel - You ask a difficult question to answer. Each relationship is it's own entity, and the beginning of the DD dynamic in any given relationship is unique to that relationship. Some women want their husbands to "step up" and lead the family, some men have wives that struggle with behavior/respect, some couples simply want to enhance aspects of their marriage like communication, trust, respect, and intimacy. There are a lot of reasons why couples choose to incorporate DD into their relationships. Some want it, some need it, some both want AND need it. It just depends on the couple.
Usually in the beginning it's gradual and a work in progress as both partners work to become comfortable with their roles in a DD relationship. It takes time, patience and teamwork to be sure, but it's worth all the effort.
I wish you success in finding a wife that will consent to a DD relationship! Good luck, and ll the best to you.
-- Clint
so who is dominate in the relationship if both the man and the woman work outside the home? Is it different for all couples?
@Anon 12.Sept 2:51pm - Most of the posts on this blog are written from the POV of a traditional husband led relationship. The dynamics do not depend on who does or does not work outside the home/bring in more money. The husband could work from home or be Mr. Mom with the wife providing the family income which would probably change how the family responsibilites are structured but the HoH would still be the husband. Yes, there are relationships where the wife is the HoH or where the couple discipline each other (I think it is called the Spencer method) but that is not the life that the owner of this blog or the majority of the blog followers live. Hope this answers your question.
Take care,
Cat
I hope it is okay to post a few questions on here- let me know if I am out of line posting all of this. I am wondering what people's insight on this situation is. Not sure where to start okay well my boyfriend and I have been together for over five years and actually have a child together who is 7 months old. He says we are not ready for marriage just yet even though we have lived together for years and he told me he first thought of marriage with me a fours years ago (I think because we argue still is the reason for he delay) The funny thing is when I heard about DD I was thinking "huh? okay never heard of this type of lifestyle before or know anyone who would be involved in this) then recently I remembered one incident where my boyfriend threw me over his knee... and well you know. I put up a pretty good fight for a few minutes I must say, the odd thing to me was that the spank did not seem playful and we have never spanked for erotic reasons! This spank actually made me feel embarrassed and upset and I had a serious urge to scurry away. I never spoke of it again after that night and still wonder what that was about. I think had a bit of a mouth that night but nothing serious or out of the usual for the most part I was joking. Anyway, I am realizing that perhaps my headstrong ways do not do the best for my relationship. However I not think DD will work for me because I want to be the one to call my own shots. Although, I am beginning to understand that a husband and wife boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. cannot both run the show and have the last say. I learned that this usually (at least for us) ends up in hours of prolonged fights and sometimes days of awkward tension between us. I just don't think I could let him be in control in the way that he would be in a DD relationship because I would feel embarrassed and upset thinking that I wasn't right about the way things should be done around the house, driving, etc. I could never think of it being reverse where I disciplined him because that actually grosses me out thinking of it like that! Not often, but sometimes in fights he has gotten angry and called me names or I have told him things like "f off" which I ended feeling horrible for later. Is telling your husband or boyfriend to "f off" wrong in your opinion or something that would be tolerated even if you feel like you are right? I ONLY do this in the heat of the moment when we are already in a big argument though I don't just say it to be disrespectful. My problem is I seriously need our relationship to even out because other then the fights we are great, but I always want to be right! I want to marry him and I know he wants to marry me because he continues to tell me so. I just don't know if it is possible for us to both run the house because like I said it almost always leads to arguments. I still wonder what that spank thing a while back was about and I wonder what he means by we are not ready for marriage yet, is it my fault??? Does anyone have any insight on this, any ideas on how I can make this better. Do you think my ways of always wanting things done MY way could be a bad factor here? Should I do what he tells me even if I think it is not the best thing for the situation? Anyone have an idea about if that spank thing was him getting fed up with me? I guess I just don't get it??? I really wish a relationship where we could both call the shots would work, but we are two different people so how would that ever work? Thanks guys I would love to hear from you! If there is anyone who had similar problems or situations in your relationship let me know. Also, ladies I would like to hear from you about this. Would you consider this a problem, how can I fix this when a discipline relationship would make me feel embarrassed. Is it normal to feel embarrassment?
@Anon 13.Sep 12:44am – From what you’ve described, your relationship would definitely benefit from DD but it will take a lot of work on both your parts – especially yours. Name calling/insults from either partner are not appropriate and will not contribute to a healthy relationship. Yes, telling him to “f-off” is wrong and would never be tolerated by any HoH I know.
In a DD relationship, the HoH leads. You and your boyfriend (HoH) are equal partners in your relationship. Your boyfriend is not better than you and you are not better than him, you just have different roles – his to lead, yours to follow. Learning to let him lead does take a lot of work but you need to realize that being dependent on your HoH does not make you weak or indicate that you are not still an independent, capable woman but there cannot be two captains on your ship.
When there are decisions to be made, you as a couple discuss (both respectfully) the issue. If you disagree, your HoH listens to and takes your opinion into account, but in the end, if you cannot agree; he makes the final decision which you accept. You have to respect him enough to trust him to be fair in his decisions for your family.
The rules and usually the consequences for violating them are set by agreement of both parties and refined as the relationship and parties grow. .Violation of those rules, disagreements and problems are dealt with immediately. If you do or say something that he feels needs to be dealt with, he should sit you down and discuss it calmly, talking the issue through with no insults, yelling, name calling, etc. Discipline, in whatever form, (spanking, grounding, etc.) is his decision and is used to help resolve issues in a timely manner. After that, the slate is wiped clean and you can move forward together.
I would suggest you read the Beginner and Definitions posts on this blog (see the Categories links on the right). There are also some wonderful women who have blogs where they discuss the challenges involved in DD relationships(See the Blogroll links on the right) which I think would help you.
DD is about love, respect, trust, honesty, accountability, and communication by both parties. The closeness and growth of each individual and the relationship is amazing.
Based on your comments, I would suggest that before you approach your boyfriend with the DD lifestyle, you do some soul-searching and ask yourself if you can fully commit to this lifestyle and all it entails.
Hope this helps. Good luck in your journey.
Cat
My question is if you have children, are they supposed to know that their parents practice this? I know that a spanking should be done in private, but do you try to hide the fact that mom has rules to follow and that she gets a punishment just like the child? I guess if there is nothing wrong in doing it you wouldn't feel the need to keep the concept hidden from them if you had no shame in the practice. But, yes my question is do the people who practice this and have kids try to keep it hidden or are they pretty open about it within the household at?
@Anon 28.Sept 11:49am - Your comment/questions come across as very confrontational/judgmental. If I have misunderstood, I apologize. If I have not, I have to wonder why you are reading posts and commenting on a blog dedicated to something you seem to think is shameful.
To answer your question, just in case I misunderstood. What goes on behind closed doors in a marriage should stay behind closed doors. There is nothing wrong with letting the child know that mommy and daddy believe in a traditional marriage where daddy is the head of the family and as such, has the final word but that does not mean you go into details. Just as when you explain sex to a child, you don't go into details about your personal sex life.
There are many reasons to keep the concept "hidden" from a child and none of them have to do with shame. One of those reasons, for many couples, is that children cannot keep a secret. There seem to be quite a few judgmental people around society who want to live their own lives as they see fit and espouse that you can also; until they disagree with your choices. If they were to hear “daddy spanks mommy”, suddenly, it would be "well yes, you can live the way you choose but only within my moral parameters". Next thing you know, the husband and sometimes the wife are facing criminal repercussions.
The wife is not getting a punishment just like the child as children do not work with their parents to set their rules/consequences; those are set jointly by both parents. The rules in a DD marriage are set by full agreement and consent of both husband and wife and refined as the relationship and parties grow. Discipline, in whatever form, is a small part of the DD relationship and used to help resolve issues in a timely manner. DD is about love, respect, trust, honesty, accountability, and open communication by both parties and used to enhance a relationship.
Respectfully,
Cat
I like to spank the wife cuz it feels good to me but I notice her butt cheeks turn red, not bloody just a nice shade of red. Is that normal or what?
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