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Spanking is such a complex aspect of a Domestic Discipline marriage. Going through the spanking process often comes with numerous different challenges to overcome, many of which are extremely difficult to handle. All of them are unique and need to be handled appropriately and delicately so things don't escalate into a much worse situation. In the "Addressing Spanking Issues" series here on Learning Domestic Discipline, we'll address a number of these challenges and how to overcome them.
The first challenge to overcome in a spanking situation is hesitation. Often times when a spanking situation presents itself, both spouses feel reluctant to proceed with the spanking process for a number of different reasons. It's a normal feeling for women to not want to get spanked. I would find it unusual if that were NOT the case. The act of discipline spanking itself isn't a pleasant experience, obviously. The benefits from a spanking come AFTER the act itself, and it's very common for women to have those feelings of hesitation or fear (from the spanking, not from the husband) just before getting spanked.
The wife may also disagree with why she's being spanked, or may simply be trying to avoid getting spanked altogether by acting out. I discussed how to handle those types of situations here. This entry focuses more on the wife simply being scared of/nervous about the forthcoming spanking.
For the husband, hesitation generally comes from thoughts like, "I don't want to hurt my wife," or "I don't want to see my wife cry," or "I really don't want to have to do this tonight", or "I can't believe this happened again after I just spanked for this last week," or "I'm too tired to deal with this today," or "I know my wife is going to give me a hard time and I just don't have the patience right now." There's always a reason NOT to spank, but it's important the couple overcome their hesitation and go through with the spanking to remain consistent with the previously agreed upon rules of the home and marriage.
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How do I overcome my feelings of hesitation just before a spanking?
The best way to do so is to work together with your spouse. That goes for both the husband and the wife. You're in this together. You both agreed to a Domestic Discipline marriage and all it entails. There are going to be times when your spouse is reluctant to go through with the spanking process. It's part of the married "job description", if you will, to ease their concerns, fears, and apprehensions so this process will go as smoothly as possible. In short - be there for them.
There may be times when the husband is angry with the wife for whatever mistake she made, and when she becomes hesitant to go through with the spanking, the husband in turn becomes even more upset. That may be the worst possible thing a husband can do in this moment. First of all, husbands shouldn't be spanking when angry anyway, and secondly, getting more upset and using any kind of force is NOT going to help the situation whatsoever. The husband should calm down first, then comfort his wife BEFORE he spanks her.
That's right - I recommend the husband comfort the wife before he spanks her in this situation. She's scared, nervous, anxious, among other things, and she needs to be calmed down. Sit on the bed together, look her in the eye, gently put your arm around her, gently pull her in close to you, and say something to the effect of, "Listen sweetheart - I know you're scared, but I promise you everything will be perfectly fine. I'm completely calmed down now, I'm in complete control of myself, and I'm not going to do anything that you're not expecting. We've done this before, and I know you can do it. You'll be okay." It doesn't have to be exactly that, of course, but something to that effect. Reassure her, illustrate you're completely calm and in control of yourself, and encourage her. Those are things she needs in that moment.
Some husbands opt for bedroom time in this moment, however I recommend against doing so. Bedroom time will do nothing but give the wife more time to get herself all worked up thinking about the forthcoming spanking. In short, she'll drive herself crazy thinking about it, which is simply unnecessary. The sooner the husband can calm his wife down the sooner the spanking can happen, and thus the sooner the entire problem can be put behind them.
When the husband is hesitant to spank, it's time for the wife to step up and be the calming influence. The best possible thing the wife can do is take responsibility for her actions in this moment. That, above anything else, will help the husband's hesitation problem immensely. "I know it's hard for you to go through with this, but I understand it needs to be done. I know I broke one of our rules, and I understand this is the consequence for that. It's alright, honey. I take full responsibility for putting us in this position, and I appreciate you caring enough to do this for us." If the wife says anything remotely close to this, it will go a LONG way in helping the husband overcome his hesitation. The husband needs to know his wife understands why this is happening.
Another thing the wife can do to help her husband's hesitation issue is encourage him. I know that's really hard to do since the wife isn't going to want to encourage her husband to spank her, but some husbands need that encouragement. If the wife wants her husband to be consistent, then she mustn't give him such a hard time when he goes to spank her. In fact, the opposite reaction would work much better in helping the husband with his hesitation problem, and in turn his consistency problem (if he has that problem). Take responsibility, express understanding as to why this is happening, and cooperate. You wanted this in your marriage and agreed to the lifestyle, so it's best to behave in a manner that illustrates that.
The moral of the story is to be supportive of each other and work together to achieve the common goals of the marriage and the household. Spanking isn't easy to do for either spouse. It doesn't have to be a difficult process if you both work together and are there for one another throughout the entire process. If your spouse is hesitant to go through with the spanking, ask why, communicate, and help each other through it. It really doesn't have to be so difficult.
This was the first installment of the "Addressing Spanking Issues" series. To proceed to the second installment, click on the link below.
- Second Installment: Addressing Spanking Issues - Negotiating