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Saturday, October 22, 2011

FAQs - Ask Your Questions

Image courtesy of trustaward.com.
  In the comments below are a number of reader submitted questions that we featured in future articles.  You can find those articles on our new website by clicking here.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

1: How do you recommend punishing for lying (consistently)?

2: Why did you first begin domestic discipline in your marriage and do you ever regret it? (Sorry if thats to personal)

3: Have you ever used one of those rubber paddles and what are your thoughts on those?

Anonymous said...

I apologize in advance if this is offensive. I am exploring DD with a partner, we're not married yet.

It was my idea, but there is no question he likes to spank hard, and he is really good at scolding.

I *think* I want to submit, but I have survived a really toxic and truly violent relationship before (punching, choking, no consent, vicious words, damage of properties, DUI, controlling my diet, coercing me to wear promiscuous clothes that I hate, etc.) And I am torn between the desire to practice DD (I think I am born with the desire,) and the need to protect myself.

I would love to see someone analyze the differences between a DD setup and traumatic-bonding. Again, I apologize if this is offensive to anyone. I see some similarities, I just want some reassurance, or if DD is not a good thing for me to explore, I want concrete reasons and understandings.

Thanks in advance,

-small voice

rosie said...

oh my goodness small voice (sorry Clint..I just have to respond to hers...)
You obviously were in way over your head in your first relationship...No one should be treated like that, even if an individual THINKS that is what they want...my belief is they don't...they have something psychotically wrong in wanting to be treated like that.
DD is sooo much different.The key word here is communication...talk out each and every aspect of what is going on in your relationship...make sure you know exactly how far he wants to go, and be honest with yourself about how far you are willing to go. DD relationships can positively make a couple stronger, closer and loving...But communication and honesty is KEY.
There should be no 'protecting' yourself in a DD relationship, he should protect YOU...only correcting you when it is appropriate or necessary. NEVER going overboard, and you should talk about what overboard would mean to you both.
I hope this helped you small voice.

Anonymous said...

Hi rosie,

Thank you for your response.

I just want to clarify, I am no longer in that toxic relationship. I am currently with a man who respects me, and will only spank me if I ask, with save word. I have issues with certain implements and he agrees to give them up despite his personal preferences.

I never wanted to be punched, or mistreated. It's just that, you have to learn to twist logic and sensibility in order to survive everyday if you were in that kind of relationship. I am still trying to come to terms with what happened to me in the previous relationship. Like I said I did not ask for or consent to any of those things. It's just that he would not take no for an answer and consequences were often out of control, including violence, weeks of silent treatments, or on the flip side, threats of suicide.

yet, despite the unspeakable living conditions I was in, I found it really difficult to leave him. And after I left him, I had very little will to live. And I hated myself, and I believed him that I made him violent, I made him angry, I made him miserable.

This is what they say about traumatic bonding:


–(1). There must be an imbalance of power, with one person more in control of key aspects of the relationship, such as setting themselves up as the “authority” through such things as controlling the finances, or making most of the relationship decisions, or using threats and intimidations, so the relationship has become lopsided.

–(2). The abusive behavior is sporadic in nature. It is characterized by intermittent reinforcement, which means there is the alternating of highly intense positives (such as intense kindness or affection) and the negatives of the abusive behavior.

–(3). The victim engages in denial of the abuse for emotional self- protection. In severe abuse (this can be psychological or physical), one form of psychological protection strategy is dissociation, where the victim experiences the abuse as if it is not happening to them, but as if they are outside their body watching the scene unfold (like watching a movie). Dissociative states allow the victim to compartmentalize the abusive aspects of the relationship in order to focus on the positive aspects.


I can certainly identify with these points in my previous relationship. I can see some of them in DD. I just want to make sure, I am not allowing myself to slip into one of those situations again.

Thank you again,

-small voice

Christina said...

Here's an idea for a FAQ question - How to Handle an Angry Spanking.

It's happened with us, although not for a long time. The HoH is supposed to be aware of his temper, control his anger and remember the loving reason he is spanking his wife. But they happen sometimes. When they do, sometimes just saying "I'm sorry honey," is not always enough. What would your advice be?

Anonymous said...

Any general tips for marriages in which one person (in our case me, the wife) really would like to do spanking and the other is just not into it?
My husband is definitely the head of our household (we have even agreed on that explicitly) and wants me to be submissive to him, but he does not want to spank me. He has done it once, when I was really insolent, but it was just like maybe 10 swats over my clothing. He will give me a single, hard swat once in a while but it's more of a flirting thing, not for punishment.
Additionally, I am not even sure if DD is what I want, or if I am just into erotic spanking. Since he doesn't want to do it, we haven't experimented with it. I am already submissive and (largely) obedient to him and I don't really do any "naughty" behaviors that I can see him wanting to correct.
I don't really know what my specific question is here. I would just welcome any insight into this, whether it's from the male or the female prospective.

Anonymous said...

How would you suggest handling repeat offences

Anonymous said...

How would you suggest that a wife handle a situation where the husband has done something to break trust like lying?

Clint said...

Thank you all for the wonderful questions. Keep them coming! I'll do a FAQ post soon with some of these questions featured.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

How do you handle disobedience during a spanking? And, is there a maximum number of spankings a wife can handle in one day? If more than one spanking is warranted, how would you advise me in effectively spanking a sore bottom?

Anonymous said...

Hi- I’m sorry if this is complicated but I was curious if you have any advice on this situation. My wife and I have agreed to do DD and she told me I can spank her when she is disobedient or disrespectful, etc. However, whenever a situation occurs where she deserves a spanking, she sits on the floor or clings to me and sobs and BEGS me not to spank her, swearing that she will be good and never do it again.

She has been in one abusive relationship before we were married for about six months and when she is upset before a spanking she seems so afraid and I feel so bad for her and so I don’t end up spanking her. I know this is not good – I want to be firm but I don’t want her to feel abused.

We have worked through many things in our marriage and I think this will probably be something else we work through as well. I am trying to be patient so that she will trust me enough to allow this DD journey together – I don’t want her to feel afraid of me.

Do you think we should keep trying this? Or do you think it is damaging (emotionally) to her?

Anonymous said...

What if a wife enjoys spankings like for sex? Can you make erotic spankings different from punishment spankings??

Anonymous said...

"What if a wife enjoys spankings like for sex? Can you make erotic spankings different from punishment spankings??"

From my own experience, I can tell you that it is perfectly possible to enjoy being spanked in a sexual setting and still to dislike it intensely in a discipline situation. The difference isn't the physical but is very much in the atmosphere and the emotions of the participants. In a sexual setting you are relaxed and happy and there is an element of shared control. In a disciplinary setting the spanker is the one in control and there are serious emotions happening. There may be guilt; there may be disappointment; there may be an edge of irritation or even mild anger.

Anonymous said...

We have been practicing DD for a few months. So far, I have used my hand and a hairbrush. I find that I am giving a lot of spankings, and my wife's behavior has been slow to change. I think I ought to graduate to belt spankings. Any general tips? Should I worry about spanking too hard? Is the best position on the bed with pillows under her hips? Can I use any leather belt? I'm unsure about how I go about this, but I feels she needs more.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have kind of begun a DD marriage. The problem is that it seems he wants to do this only a few days a week. How can I get him to be more consistent?

Anonymous said...

Anytime I am spanked, even if it is for punishment (hard and to the point I cry), I am sexually aroused. How can we make the discipline feel more like an actual punishment?

Anonymous said...

I want to begin dd but my bf and I broke up a couple of months ago. I aproached him about the idea and asked him to think about it. Do u think this is something that we can make work even though we're not together? He is the only person I can trust to do this with.

Anonymous said...

do you ever recommend spanking on the backs of the thighs?

Anonymous said...

I like the question above me - I have wondered that too! I am afraid to spank too high up on the bottom because I heard once if you accidentally hit her lower back (kidneys) you could kill her. So I always spank super low on the bottom and sometimes get her thighs - is that bad? Also, when spanking with a belt - are you supposed to fold it and hit with the loop? Sorry of that's a stupid question but I wasn't spanked with a belt growing up so I didn't know...

Anonymous said...

What should I do if my wife pouts and/or gives the silent treatment after a spanking?

Clint said...

@Anonymous (October 27th 4:07 PM) - Thank you so much for your question. I've written about this very question in my "Discipline Spankings vs. Erotic Spankings" post on this blog. I encourage you to read that post. I think it will answer your question.

@Anonymous (October 28th 2:25 PM) - Thank you so much for sharing your experience and helping another commenter get a different point of view on their question.

To all the remaining anonymous posters - All of your questions are fantastic ones, and I'll answer them in future FAQ posts. Thank you SO much for getting your questions out there. I'll get to them as soon as I possibly can. I think all of your questions will help many readers who have the same concerns as you do. Great questions. Keep them coming!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Do you think it is safe to spank during a normal pregnancy? Obviously one with complications is a whole new issue...

c.j. said...

Hi Clint,
I have been lurking around the online DD community for several months. My marriage was crumbling around me, and I came across DD when googling for some marriage advice. (I know - google? Seriously?) Well, it did lead me here. I had never before heard of anything like DD or any of the many variations out there. What really intrigues me, and keeps me coming back, is that pretty much every couple (regardless of how much kink or not is involved) say that this has transformed their marriage. They are more connected, more loving, more everything. It has salvaged failing marriages, and made good marriages great! Who doesn't want that?
So, we are in a better place and working through our issues. I have not told my husband anything about any of this. I have learned the most from your blog, and your wife's blog. Even if I never incorporate this into my marriage, I will still read your blog. I like the couple's challenges, as they can apply to any marriage. So thank you for that. Thank you for this blog and for taking your time to help other people. Thanks to your wife as well. So here are my questions - and please take them in the spirit they are asked. I want to present this to my husband, and he's going to question my sources. I have just assumed that you are a licensed marriage counselor, and were before DD was ever a part of your life. Am I correct? And how were you trained to specialize in DD? Just from your own life experience? Or is the scope of DD much broader than I imagine it to be? Is there actually some kind of training available? Please realize that I am not trying to undermine your qualifications or your credibility. I am just hoping to learn a little bit more about your background. I also wonder if you know anyone in my faith that practices DD? I am LDS and live in Utah. That was a little painful to put out there, and I'm pretty sure some of your other readers will slam me on it. I am just an ordinary, middle-aged, christian woman - like so many of the women in these blogs, who is wanting to achieve an extraordinary marriage. Thank you so much for your time.

Clint said...

@C.J. - Thank you so much for your kind words and appreciation of the blog and all it's intended to do. It's great to get feedback like that and I truly appreciate you taking the time to comment.

You're correct when you say that I was a marriage counselor prior to practicing DD. I went to school for psychology, completed internships, etc. prior to even meeting my wife, actually. Domestic Discipline didn't come into our marriage for several years after we first met, and well after my psychology degree was completed.

Domestic Discipline counseling is NOT it's own branch of psychology, or anything close to that. Essentially it's just a phrase that's been developed by psychologists who recommend, or believe, in DD. Some marriage counselors who believe in Domestic Discipline will recommend or explain it to those coming to them seeking advice if they feel it would help their marriage. Domestic Discipline is not for every marriage, and it's not even something that's brought up often within a marriage counselors line of work. However, it's my belief that, in SOME marriages, Domestic Discipline can help to solve problems and be very beneficial. Psychology can be used to back up or help explain some of the Domestic Discipline principals, but all in all, it's really just something that some marriage or family therapists recommend to some coming and searching for help regarding a specific problem within their marriage.

I know Domestic Discipline is actually very common within some LDS households. I know several LDS families personally who practice DD (some of whom are very good friends with my wife and I) so yes, it's practiced within your faith.

I tell everyone they won't regret bringing DD into their marriage, and the reason I tell everyone that is because I've never had a couple come back to me after trying DD and tell me they regretted it. I strongly believe DD would be beneficial to your marriage, if done correctly. In fact, I know it would be.

Good luck to you going forward, and please let me know if you need any more help. All the best.

-- Clint

c.j. said...

Thank you so much for the quick reply! And for the encouragement! I really do appreciate it. I am very excited to know that you actually know LDS couples who practice DD. Do any of them blog? I could really use an "anonymous" friend who could understand my unique situation and help me.
Also, do have any additional resources you could recommend for me to read? Books, blogs or websites? I really trust your advice. There is SOOO much to be found on the internet, but obviously a lot of it just confuses me, or even sickens me, or just doesn't leave me with a good feeling. As I have read through your blog and Chelsea's - I am left with a good and hopeful feeling. This is probably getting too personal, but as I have prayed for guidance about all of this - I just feel like I keep being directed back here. When I finally worked up the nerve to post a comment, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. When I saw that you actually answered, I was just in tears of happiness and gratitude.
I know that all sounds a little dramatic, but my husband and my marriage mean everything to me - and I almost lost everything. That feeling of failure, and of being so utterly alone is still pretty fresh. We have come a long way in the past 3 or 4 months, but we are not where I think we could be. I strongly feel that something significant needs to change in our marriage, or we will slowly find ourselves back where we were. I think if the dynamic of DD were introduced, it could change everything - forever. But I know that you are exactly right, it has to be "done correctly."

Anonymous said...

Ug! I keep checking back every day to see when you are going to answer the rest of the FAQs that are asked here but not in the "communication edition" :(

Clint said...

@C.J. - You're very welcome for the reply. :) I'm glad you appreciated it. Most of the LDS couples I know who practice DD don't blog, and the ones that do blog about do so personally, meaning their blog is private. I can certainly ask them if I can share the link to their blog, but I wouldn't count on it since they obviously have their blog private for a reason. But I'll see what I can do.

There's a lot of stuff around the internet that I disagree with when it comes to Domestic Discipline, so I don't have a lot of sites or blogs to recommend. I will say, however, that the blogs I link to on my blogroll (on the homepage of my blog) are written by people who practice DD and they write about their personal experiences with it as well as give great tips and helpful hints when it comes to practicing DD. I encourage you to read those blogs and interact with the writers. I've gotten to know a lot of them personally through the LDD Social Network and they're all great people who give sound advice and support to beginners. Just because a person may not be LDS like yourself doesn't mean they won't welcome you with open arms and be happy to help and support you in any way that they can.

You aren't the first person to tell me that prayer has lead you to the blog. I think that's wonderful, and I hope you find it a helpful resource for your marriage. I can tell your spouse and your marriage mean a lot to you, as they should to any married individual, and as I said in my first comment to you, I know DD will be a helpful tool to get things back on the right track in your marriage.

Thank you so much for all of the kind words, and let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. All the best.

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 6th 1:46 AM) - I understand your frustration, and I'm doing everything I can to get to the questions as quickly as I can. I want to feature most of the questions in this thread in actual blog posts, and unfortunately I don't have time to write every day. I appreciate you being as patient as possible. I'll get to them, it may just take a little time. Thank you for understanding.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Clint,

We are very new to this and I have been using my belt with my fiancee because she is very destructive to our relationship. I have a question. She recently went out by herself for a few drinks and ended up allowing a man take her home. Coincidentally, this same person months before on one of her wild nights, ended up taking her out all night and playing at a local casino. She says that she did nothing with him on that occasion but she came home at 8am. This time she went to the same bar where she met him the first time and he showed up. She ended up getting in his car and letting him take her home at 11pm. What do you feel would be a proper deterent? I would like to show her that this type of behavior will not be tolerated. Period. In fact, anything remotely similar to this behavior. I was considering a few things including a coat hanger. What would you recommend for similar, yet lesser offenses? For instance, if she recieves a voice mail or text or email from another man and hides it from me. If she is caught sending or recieving messages to another man.

She is a very beautiful woman and when I am not around, she gets hit on by men constantly. How do I deal with these situations?

My concern is that even caning and spanking is not severe enough for this type of behavior....

James said...

Clint, what is your opinion about the temporary sharing of HOH duties described in the last two posts on the "Diving In to Domestic Discipline" blog linked on this site.

Christina said...

Here's an idea for future posts - it continues the conversation we had in the Network the other day. So while this was originally your idea, I'm just going to continue it a bit. Guest Posters! Like a guest
speaker(s) at a convention.

You have a friend who is a medical doctor, one who is a DD counsellor and collegue, one who is a lawyer. The Network has a psychiatrist and therapist (couple). Then there are also other HoH's and/or couples that could speak on a topic for you.

Whatcha think?

Anonymous said...

I too start crying before the spanking starts. Thats because i am scared of what is about to happen. You probably dont know what that feels like but my boyfriend spanks me even if i cry =(

Clint said...

@James - That's a terrific question and one that I can cover in a future post. It would take too much space for me to write my recommendations/thoughts/opinion on it in the comments, but I can do a future post on it, and will do a future post on it when I find the time.

@Christina - I love the idea, and I have a doctor friend of mine currently working on a post to give the medical perspective on spanking and DD in general. It should be very informative and helpful, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'll likely have more guest writers on the blog, if they're willing to do so of course.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Clint, thank you for your wonderful blog. I found this site after looking online at "God's Gift to Him", and my husband and I are incorporating a lot of your suggestions. My marriage has never been stronger. Again, thank you !!!

Anonymous said...

Me and my husband have only very recently started using dd because as he says "sometimes i act bratty and childish" anyway i think i have a problem with people telling me what to do. When he tells me im allowed or not allowed to do something i feel very mad and i feel like i want to do anything to annoy him or displease him. Does that mean this is not going to work out between us or do you think this can be solved?

If this question cant be added to your FAQs then please answer here.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I am a woman in a domestic discipline relationship with a wonderful husband. We often have to spend a lot of time apart from one another but when seperated I am still expected to follow the rules he has set. Once we are reuinted, he will ask me about any misbehaviour and punish me accordingly-usually with a spanking. The problem is that he has to depend completely on what I say and sometimes I lie or withhold information about me misbehaving because I know I won`t get caught. Do you have any suggestions on what we should do about this? I often feel guilty when I am not honest but I still don`t normally confess.

Anonymous said...

Clint,
Let me start by saying your blog has been such an awesome source of information and I thank you for it! My wife and I have recently started a DD-type relationship. I say DD-type because there are some other facets we are exploring as well. For instance we don't only use spanking exclusively for discipline. I would say we have experienced both success and disappointment. I have been inconsistent at times and I admit that. My challenges (not excuses) are my 12-hour work schedule and a teenager in the house. I'm usually really tired when I get home from work and have to get up really for work the following morning. However, I get 3-4 days off per week and on those days we do pretty well. The inconsistency has caused my sweet wife to question my commitment to this, which has caused us both much frustration. She also appears to be a little indecisive about whether or not she wants a DD relationship or if we should just keep it in the bedroom. How do I know definitively whether or not she truly wants DD or if she just wants to be spanked in erotic settings? I love my wife beyond measure and want her to respect me as the HOH but I feel like I'm failing despite what seems to me like my best effort. We've come a long way but I think my wife wants me to read your blog and come out an expert. She is home all day and has much more time to do whatever she wishes. This has caused her to question my commitment too. I say this because she expects me to do as much research as her but she's home all day and I work 12 hours. I am committed but not perfect by any means. I feel like I need her to be more patient with me because despite my sincerity I need time to learn this new role. We purchased your boot camp book last night but I have not yet had a chance to look at it. Part of me wonders how we will pull off a boot camp if we're having a hard time working maintenance etc in under normal conditions. Any advice?

Sincerely,
T

willow_mother said...

I appreciate the information you are providing here and value the time you have invested! My husband and I have chosen a DD lifestyle, but are still working through some of the ups and downs that come with change. One of our biggest concerns has been our children. My son (12) over heard me getting spanked one night and was very upset. We were not aware that this would happen, but as is has, any advice on this matter that you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Willow

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 9th 1:07 PM) - I think it's important to not jump to any immediate conclusions in this situation. I understand completely why you're upset, and I probably would be as well, but this may just be a platonic friend of hers where no attraction/intimacy is involved. I don't doubt that your fiancee is an attractive woman, but it's important to understand her relationship dynamic with this person before taking any action. That's the first step.

With that said, if you feel threatened by this man and don't trust your fiancee with him, then your problem goes beyond something that DD could correct. Perhaps you've been cheated on in the past and that's what is making you so nervous/threatened, but that isn't a problem with your fiancee by any means. I'm not saying that's the case at ALL, I'm just giving you something else to think about. You need to be able to trust your fiancee at all times.

The problem here, to me, is the fact she's putting herself in dangerous situations (staying out all night at bars, letting other people take her home, etc.) and I would address that FIRST before anything else. I would start by taking away the privilege of going out from her for a while (grounding her, essentially) until she understands why this behavior is dangerous. After a couple of weeks of being grounded, I'd let her have a night out and see if she comes home at a reasonable hour. If not, take the next step in punishment (I'd recommend spanking). If she does a good job, then reinforce that behavior by doing something nice for her, or letting her go out again the next weekend (or whenever).

As far as the emails and texts go - I'd imagine they're relatively harmless. But, if they are flirty and make you uncomfortable, then I would recommend taking away the computer/phone for a while, or spanking for it. But again, before you punish, make sure you understand the entire situation first.

Good luck to you and I wish you the very best.

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 16th 9:02 AM) - That's wonderful! I'm so glad to hear it. You're very welcome, and thank you so much for your support of the blog. It means a lot to me. :)

@Anonymous (November 17th 7:33 AM) - I apologize for the late response to your question. I probably won't do a post on this, so I'll answer your question here.

Part of a Domestic Discipline relationship is understanding your role within the lifestyle. I think your problem can certainly be fixed, however you're going to have to understand how the dynamic of DD works. There cannot be two HoH's within a household. It just doesn't work that way. Where your husband is the HoH, his role is defined. He's the leader, the provider, the disciplinarian, and the decision-maker. With that, your role is also defined. As much as I hate the term "submissive", that's the best way to illustrate your role within this lifestyle. I don't think anyone likes being told what to do and perhaps your husband is going about that wrong, but basically you're going to have to open your mind to the idea of letting your husband make the decisions for the household, and open your mind to your husband guiding and directing your marriage in the best, safest, and most beneficial way he can in his estimation. That means you're going to have to put 100% faith and trust in your husband and his decisions, as well as be supportive of those decisions, for this lifestyle to work for your marriage.

When you and your husband have a discussion, don't make it about who's right and who's wrong. Make it about determining the best course of action that is most beneficial to the marriage and the home. Ask yourself why he's wanting you to do this and that. Is it because he wants to protect you even if that means protecting you from yourself, or is it because he's trying to be dictator? If it's the latter, then perhaps DD won't work for you two. If it's the former, then the best advice I can give you is to trust your husband's judgment and put complete trust in his decision making. That's what being "submissive" is about.

Hopefully that made sense to you, and hopefully you can see that your husband is trying to be the leader of the marriage and home that you want him to be rather than trying to be "bossy."

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 17th 12:37 PM) - Anytime you lie or withhold information from your husband in a situation like this, that does nothing but stunt the possible growth of your marriage. Sure this is the "easy" thing to do, but it's definitely not the best way to handle the situation. If you want your marriage to continue to grow, and if you want your husband to have complete trust in you, then you must be truthful at all times. I know it's hard to admit mistakes to your spouse, but nothing will improve if you continue to hide things from your partner.

There's no profound answer to this question. The answer is that you have to be honest with your spouse. Not only will he appreciate it, but you won't have the feelings of guilt that you have about lying to him. When it comes down to it, nothing positive can come out of lying in the long run. It may make a punishment less severe in that moment, but you need to ask yourself if it's worth risking the long term trust between you and your husband. Lack of trust is one of those things that can ultimately cost the relationship over time.

I'd simply recommend you come clean with everything and be honest with your spouse at all times, even when that's difficult to do.

@T - Well I certainly understand the challenges you have in your marriage. I think the biggest one if having a teenager in the house. It's hard to be consistent with DD when there are children constantly home.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but it sounds to me like you BOTH are having a hard time completely committing to a DD lifestyle. Obviously this isn't going to work if you're both not fully committed to this. Now, being committed and being consistent are two different things. Perhaps your commitment is there, but it's the consistency that's lacking. If that's the case, the answer is obvious - you need to be more consistent with enforcing the rules. It doesn't sound like that may be easy in your situation, but when it comes down to it, that's what you need to be.

Working 12 hour days can be exhausting. No question I understand that. But I think that when you step back and consider a spanking session - even with a lecture and comforting afterward included - only lasts an hour or so at most, that really isn't that much to go through. And this shouldn't be an everyday thing, either. At least I hope not. So, in my opinion, regardless of how tired you may be, when it comes down to it your marriage is worth this time to step up and enforce the rules on a more consistent basis. As I said earlier, working around the teenager is the tricky part. You'd have to work around your teenagers schedule to a certain degree, which isn't easy to do. I'm afraid I can't be much help there. You'll have to punish when your teenager is out of the house, or asleep.

I hope this helps you out. I know it's not always easy to be consistent, but I believe this is what you need to do in your case. I don't think it's about commitment, it's about consistency.

Good luck.

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Willow - Oh goodness. I'm so sorry about this situation. It's not an easy one to deal with, that's for sure.

This is difficult because of the age of your son. He's too young to understand the lifestyle, and too old to play it off as something else.

My advice, whether you choose to take it or not, is to be truthful about it. I wouldn't come out and explain the entire DD lifestyle to your son by any means, but I would explain to him in a fashion that may be easier for him to accept and/or understand. For instance, I would say something like, "You know how when you make mistakes you get in trouble for them? Well, sometimes mom makes mistakes too, and just like you she gets in trouble for them. Dad wants us all to be safe so if I do anything that is really dangerous, then dad holds me accountable for it so it doesn't happen again. When dad does that, then mom is safe and things are a whole lot better for the family. You want me to be safe too, right?" I think you see what I'm getting at. I think going about this problem in this manner would be best.

Of course, you can always go the "mom and dad were just playing around. It's not a big deal..." route. In the end it's your choice, but I'd recommend going the truthful route. The truth is always the best way to go, and often times the most difficult way to go.

I wish you the very best of luck with this, Willow. I don't envy your position here.

-- Clint

Terri said...

Hi Clint,
My husband and I have tried DD on many occasions. He usually ends up throwing in the towel for one reason or another. The last time we gave it a try I was very hopeful it would work as he brought it up, but it did not take then either. While I would still like to try to have a DD marriage, I'm to the point where I don't know if I trust my husband with type of relationship anymore. Any suggestions on how to get past this feeling?
Thanks,
Terri

Anonymous said...

What are the Benefits of this lifestyle? I mean what do you get out of it? And how is this not S&M?

Anonymous said...

I know you're busy but perhaps you missed my comment on March 1st?

Clint said...

@Anonymous (May 7th 6:05 PM) - Yes, I without a doubt overlooked your question back in March. It appears I missed Terri's as well. My sincerest apologies and thank you so much for being so patient.

There are a number of benefits from the lifestyle - stronger emotional bond between husband and wife, better communication, better understanding, more respect for one another, enhanced intimacy, improved behavior and judgment from both spouses, and the list goes on. There are more covered both in the post and the comments of this particular entry:

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/domestic-discipline-pros-and-cons.html

I encourage you to read over that post, and the comments on that post.

I've also described how this is not S&M in this post:

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/06/spanking-vs-abuse-clearing-up.html

I've provided the definitions of both Sadism and Masochism, or S&M in acronym form, within that entry. The definitions are not consistent with the definition of Domestic Discipline, as you'll see in reading that post.

I hope this helps you out, and again, I'm terribly sorry for the late response.

All the best to you.

@Terri - Your comment was months ago, but for what it's worth I'll answer your question.

Trust, once lost, is incredibly difficult to earn back. It's not going to be done overnight, or in a week, or in a year. It takes a long, long time to earn back trust. Your feelings are understandable and I feel it would help to express those to your husband without any condescending or rude undertones with it. Let him know your trust in him has been shaken because of his inconsistency, and you want him to prove to you that he is worthy of your trust again. You have to give him that chance, and you have to be patient with him, but that's really the only way the trust can be rebuilt. He needs to do most of the work. Not you.

All the best to you, and good luck.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

ok i have a question. my bf and i are trying to start this kind of relationship. we have been together for almost 3 yrs. and i have been trying to explain to him what dd is and i have also emailed him info on spanings and stuff like that. my question is how do i convince him not to use anal sex as a punishment? and that it shouldnt be one? he sees it as hes boss of EVERYTHING or nothing at all. and i dont think it works like that cause i do have opinions and feelings too. please help

Clint said...

@Anonymous (October 16th 8:24 PM) - I think we both know that sodomizing your is inappropriate, and a punishment/act that is not part of a healthy Domestic Discipline relationship. Your comment concerns me a great deal since I feel this relationship has the potential to become a very toxic and unhealthy one if things do not change and change immediately.

If you don't feel you can express your thoughts, opinions and feelings to him constructively, then I would highly recommend you stop practicing DD immediately and re-evaluate the state of your relationship. Your boyfriend should respect you at all times, and address your thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. in a very level-headed and mature fashion. If he is unwilling/unable to do that, or if he's interested in sexually exploiting you for his own satisfaction, or both, then this isn't a healthy relationship to be in.

I hope things work out for the best. Please be careful if you choose to continue your relationship with this man. I don't know much about you two or your relationship, obviously, but given the tone of your comment I only see bad things happening in your future if the relationship continues.

Good luck to you.

-- Clint

 
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