Thursday, October 6, 2011

Distance Discipline

Image courtesy of The Telegraph.
We discuss how to keep the domestic discipline dynamic healthy in a relationship, even when apart from one another.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.


Stormy said...

I guess that could be effective. We definitely have been in this situation. I hate having him come home when I know I will be getting disciplined. He usually lectures briefly on the phone, then carries out the spanking immediately when he returns.

If there are chores not done or rules broken, that he decides to punish for..he waits for the next day. Then he spanks for that.

If he removed privileges while away, I would most likely comply if I knew I was already in pretty deep! But, to be honest I might rebel. It depends on the situation.


lucy w said...

I am newish 18 months into CDD its just a thought of mine I fully agree with spanking from husband to wife. But only when the husband has to be away do couples ever use a stand in spanker a trusted friend or family member who spanks on behalf of the husband under the husbands instructions??? On the net i have seen fathers passing on how to spank your wife to there sons. So is it so far fetched???.I do belive in husbands spanking its just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Clint, for this post. My husband and I had this very problem a couple of weeks ago, and I did not handle it very well. I happen to be a person who craves structure, but , I must admit, I very much need my husband to help provide it for me. He was disappointed in me, and gave multiple spankings for 3 days in a row. Next time, however, we will use your tips, and have a plan in place before he leaves. As always, we find your blog very helpful. Thanks again.

Christina said...

Very good post!! I hadn't given it much thought since Jim and I aren't generally apart for more than a short period of time, but this could really be an issue for couples trying to make the DD aspect of their marriage work, and I'm sure the post will help them decide how to cope.

It's no secret that I like a lot of the pictures you choose for posts, since I've commented more than once on them. I like this one!! You can almost feel the couple's desire to stay connected, even though they are seperated. And if you click on the source link, the story of the couple is touching.

Although, the picture on the lecture post is my favourite, this one is a close second!

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Stormy - It's certainly a tough situation to be in. I'm glad you and your husband have found something that works for you when in this position. Thanks for your comment! All the best, Stormy.

@lucy w - Personally I feel spanking is too intimate of a practice to have another person be involved with it. I recommend against bringing in an unnecessary person/component to the dynamic. I don't think it would be healthy for the relationship long term. Of course, something like this is ultimately up to the two consenting life partners in a Domestic Discipline relationship. Whatever makes a couple the most happy is what they should do. All the best to you lucy w!

@Anonymous - My pleasure. Hopefully this entry helps your situation some. I'm glad you found it helpful, and I wish you the very best of luck going forward.

@Christina - A lot more people find themselves in this situation than I thought, so I figured this entry would help a few couples out there in this type of situation.

I'm glad you like this picture too! I do my best.

-- Clint

Karyn said...

You mentioned that lecturing could be done via the computer on web chat. This would work well for corner time, too! No getting out of it if he's there on the computer - watching.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Karyn - That's a terrific point. Corner time could most certainly be done if the husband can keep his eye on his wife over a webcam while she spends the time in the corner. Good thinking! Thanks for your comment. :)

All the best to you.

-- Clint

Corey said...

Thank you Clint for adding this! I emailed you a couple weekas ago about this problem and was going to ask you again for some advice! this helped out a bit. But for me and my Girlfriend, it's a little difficult because we don't live together. I'm actually really surprised she introduced me to this kind of relationship before we were even married, and im really glad she can trust me with this responsibility. we are both 20, and i am away at school most of the time. No matter how much i tell her, "you gave me this role, you are the one who trusted me to do this for you, you are the one who set all the rules for yourself" she still tries to defy them. She tests my limits all the time. She never wins though. So she ends up putting her self in a bad position for when i return. the last time i came home, she got 3 spankings when i was only home for 4 days. As for the distant spankings, We've found out that the silent spankings you wrote about, work. But i only use them for big things, like acting out of spite, over reacting, which are her 2 biggest problems. But i can't do that for little things. We've been using soap for little things. I can't really think of another punishment that would work for her. but right now, she is breaking 3 small rules, I can't give her 3 soap punishments? I'm at a loss here Clint. I don't want to have to punish her all the time, but she keeps testing me. what should I do?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Corey - I'm happy to hear you're finding the information helpful. You and your girlfriend have a unique situation, but as long as you stick together, remain consistent, and keep all communication open, things will get much better for you.

Clearly your girlfriend is testing the boundaries and limits to see what she can and cannot get away with. She may be testing your commitment to a DD lifestyle as well. She wants to know you're willing to do your part in all of this. Those things are normal, particularly with a young couple like yourselves, so don't feel like you're the only one with a wife that pushes buttons. All HOH's have been there at one point or another. I promise you that.

The punishments are up to you, of course, but I wouldn't recommend doing three soap punishments in a row. It could be bad for a number of reasons, the biggest one being that it could potentially make her sick. What I would suggest you do is conduct three different punishments for each of the three offenses. For instance, you could do soap for one, then do an apology letter for another, then have her do some kind of chore (that she doesn't normally do) for the third thing. That will break things up and keep each offense separate in HER mind so they all don't blend together. If you use the same punishment for all three of her offenses, it could confuse her and you may only end up correcting one of the three problems. So keep them all separate, with separate punishments so she can understand and distinguish the difference between them.

In the future, I also have a suggestion that might help. Before leaving again for days at a time, have her prove to you that she can behave while you're gone. Before leaving, take some privileges away (not all of them, but some), and have her earn them back each day with good behavior. I don't typically recommend punishing BEFORE a negative behavior is committed, but in an instance such as this where she has demonstrated she has a difficult time behaving while you're gone with her past track record, I think this could help her understand that her good behavior will lead to good things (getting her privileges back, rewards, etc.). That may give her incentive to behave while you're gone. Just a suggestion.

Best of luck to you Corey!

-- Clint

SWl1 said...

"That's a terrific point. Corner time could most certainly be done if the husband can keep his eye on his wife over a webcam while she spends the time in the corner. Good thinking! Thanks for your comment."

Having conducted the first two years of my DD relationship while my now husband and myself were on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean, I have experience of this.

Personally I think that a DD relationship, whether conducted long distance or in the same house, is largely about commitment and trust. For that reason, if the sub (and I use that term purely for ease of reference) actually *wants* it to work, she will do as she is directed to regardless of whether her other half is able to watch her at the time. On the other side of the coin if they are on the same page, her HoH shouldn't feel he has to watch her every move in order to ensure that she complies.

Quite honestly, if it isn't working that way, then someone possibly isn't committed and there's a serious fundamental problem.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@SWI1 - Thank you for your comment. It's very well said, and I agree with you. I think there may be couples just starting out with DD who may have a problem with this, but you're absolutely correct when you say there may be a serious fundamental problem if this problem is present in a marriage if that's the case.

Thank you again, and best of luck to you.

-- Clint

swl1 said...

"I think there may be couples just starting out with DD who may have a problem with this"

Aside from meeting quite a few other DD couples in 'real life', I've been reading and running DD discussion groups for around ten years now. Except in a few cases in which the DD is less than 100% consensual, for instance where the wife isn't totally at home with the concept but feels for some reason, usually a religious one, that it's her duty to submit to whatever her husband thinks best, I've never known this to be a problem however 'new' the couple. In my experience DD is usually seen as a means to an end that is desired by both man and wife. For that reason *both* want it to work positively and *both* realise that this can't happen and there won't be benefits unless there is obedience.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@swl1 - Thank you so much for your comment. I haven't come across this problem much either, but I know every situation is different, and every DD marriage dynamic is different. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your insight on this subject.

All the best.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I'm having trouble starting a DD relationship with my wife, I'm not exactly sure how to bring it up. Any help?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (December 9th 9:36 PM) - Bringing up the idea of Domestic Discipline to a spouse is never an easy thing to do. The best way to go about this, in my opinion, is to clearly explain and educate your spouse on what exactly DD is, and clearly explain that this can be done lovingly and can be done without any kind of ulterior motives or intentions behind it.

I would start this explanation with the "pros" to a DD marriage and how they relate to YOUR marriage specifically. DD enhances communication, builds trust, helps spouses become safer, etc. There are too many pros to name in a comment, but I'd start there. She needs to have a reason to consider something like this otherwise the conversation will go nowhere, and the pros should prove numerous reasons.

She also needs to understand she will NOT be treated like a "doormat" - one of the most common misconceptions wives have when first hearing about DD. DD isn't about being controlling and treating the wife like dirt, and she needs to understand that clearly. However you want/need to communicate that to her is up to you, but she needs to know that.

Once all the talking is done, I'd encourage her to at LEAST give it a try for a week or two. If it doesn't work for your marriage, then it doesn't work. But it's at least worth a try. Provide information for her to read about it, find scriptures that allude to it, and most importantly, address any and all concerns she may have about bringing this into the relationship before getting started. Don't be pushy, don't be insensitive, and don't be demanding. Be encouraging, but let her make her own decision on it. After all, Domestic Discipline MUST be consensual.

Hopefully this helps you out. Best of luck to you in getting your wife on board with the idea.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hi there - Just wanted to respond to Lucy's comment. My husband's family has been a DD family for a few generations now. When my husband is away he hands his paddle over to my father in law. I recieve a maintenance spanking after every Sunday lunch and punishments every time my husband thinks it's needed. I guess it feels pretty normal and a few times I've even popped in with a confession when my husband is away. Is anyone else in a situation like this?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Anonymous (January 1st 9:07 PM) - That's an interesting situation. I'm curious myself as to whether or not others are in this situation. I guess we'll see if anyone else chimes in.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

my husband and i just came across this problem recently, he is away on a 2 week business trip for the first time since we started dd, and i deserve a spanking. he decided he'll watch me give myself a silent spanking (cream) over skype and then he'll give me real spanking when he gets home. i have till thursday to do it, and i am really scared...we havent use the cream yet, and im nervous that i'll either go overboard or not strong do i know the right balance? that is always my husbands decision...i cant take the waiting, but i cant bring myself to do it yet, either...

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@becks - It sounds like you're conflicted with this, and I'm sorry to hear about the mixed emotions you're feeling. The best advice I can give when it comes to that is the earlier you can get the punishment over with, the better you'll feel in the long run.

I'd recommend you start small with the cream, and if your husband feels you need to apply more, then that would be his decision. Just keep in mind it can take about 30-45 minutes to intensify, so your husband shouldn't expect a reaction/results immediately after application of the cream. It takes a while to activate. A good comparison for the amount of cream to use would be about the size of a drop of water, or a pea. That small of an amount applied to each cheek of the buttocks can achieve the desired results on most women.

I hope this helps you out, and good luck to you!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Hi We dont have a Long Distance Relationship but I do know about capsacin cream first hand.

Last night I had the cream applied by my hoh after a spanking and it reminded me of it all evening after a pretty intense stinging feeling at first.

warning--he needs to carefully avoid mucus membranes like vaginal oe anal areas or broken skin or pimples and also wash his hands after.Also you should test a bit on ur arm to see if allergic to it. It (capsacin cream) feels a lot like Ben Gay (mild warmth) but on redd butt it does burn and sting--for a long time with a warm reminder even longer.

If the effect long distance didnt seem warm enough to work, the spankee could be told to scrub in the shower first i would think-- and then be watched in the corner over Skype (webcam) It is truly as bad as a spanking!

She/he must wash hands after to avoid accidentally rubbing in eye lid or face or wear plastic glove to apply
To the wife--Do not try to remove it with hort water--It will just reactivate it and make it worse. Ice bags can help if it gets too intense and ur hoh allows it.

Mel said...

I'm in a semi long distance DD relationship (He travels extensively). The most effective punishment for me is removal of His affections / attention when He is away. There is nothing more I want then His presence when He's gone but if I've misbehaved He will calmly tell me, "Tonight instead of spending a few hours on the phone / on Skype we will only talk for 15 minutes because you choose to act out." Honestly, this form of punishment is even more effective then spankings are for me. I RARELY act out any more when He's gone (and I used to sabatoge, freak out, become extremely emotional and irrational). Time with Him is far too precious to take that risk.

In addition, if any Hoh's decide to use this method I'd strongly advise against taking away your attention completely (ie; We will not speak tonight as planned because you misbehaved or "We will talk tomorrow" when it's only noon and she'd be expecting to talk to you even briefly several times). My HOH tried this once for a serious infraction and it really brought out the worst in me and made me feel completely abandoned.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Mel - Your suggestion is a wonderful one, and I appreciate you sharing it with the readers of LDD. I agree with what you said about how "if any Hoh's decide to use this method I'd strongly advise against taking away your attention completely". As you noted, that would likely cause more problems than it corrected. This is a terrific suggestion and I thank you for taking the time to share it.

All the best to you, Mel.

-- Clint

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