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Monday, October 31, 2011

Commenter FAQs - Communication Edition

Image courtesy of Peter the Planner.
 We answer a number of reader submitted questions.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your response to these questions. I found your advice very helpful!

Anonymous said...

"why her husband felt it necessary and appropriate to lie to her."

So when a woman lies it's a no-no, but when the husband lies it might be "necessary and appropriate?"

Clint said...

@Anonymous (October 31st 3:03 PM) - You're very welcome! Always glad to help out in any way I can.

@Anonymous (November 3rd 11:14 AM) - No, it's not necessary or appropriate to lie to your spouse, regardless of whether you're the husband or the wife. Thanks for your comment and thank you for reading! All the best to you and your family.

-- Clint

cory said...

I've talked to you a couple times about my distance relationship, and you tips helped out alot. ive seen results and behavior has been better these past couple weeks! Thank you! Just recently, there was an issue. My girlfriend was going through her monthly cycle and was giving me an attitude when i was giving her directions. she tested me and attempted to find a loophole, so i acted and punished her. Is this ok to punish while she is going through that? and For the lecture, I wasn't really getting anywhere with the typical, "tell me what you did wrong" type of lecture. I had to tell her that she made me proud before, that i was happy with the results she was showing me these past couple weeks, but now i can't be proud, i can't be happy about this, i was not getting the respect i deserve. This worked but i have a feeling i made her feel like crap. I know all she wants to do is make my happy, make me proud, that she is following the rules, i can tell, every time i tell her i am proud of her i see her smile and i know its genuine. but i won't take menstruating as an excuse to give me an attitude and disrespect me. Was this acceptable of me to do? I don't want to have to make her feel bad about herself every time if there is a better way. whats your opinion?

Anonymous said...

Lying is an indication of substantial relationship problems. I think, it is less evil more a sign of missing confidence. To my mind more important than the punishment is a fair dialog which creates confidence and stills wifes fears of wrongful treatment.

Clint said...

@Cory - Hello again, Cory. I'm glad to hear things are improving for you. I'm always happy to help.

It's a sensitive time when women are going through their monthly cycle, so it's important to keep that in mind when this situation comes up. Women are much more emotional during this time, and much more sensitive to your words and your overall attitude and demeanor. You should always choose your words carefully at all times, but during her monthly cycle time, choosing your words is magnified. Remember to remain constructive with your words/criticisms without being rude, belittling, hurtful, or condescending. It sounds like you do fine in this department, but I felt it was important to remind you of that.

I feel the way you handled the situation is acceptable, and I also feel that punishing while your girlfriend is on her monthly cycle is acceptable. My stance on the situation is this: there are stressful/difficult times in every persons life, both men and women, where behaving properly may not always be easy, but is necessary. Rules are rules regardless of any specific situation. Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be more sensitive to her feelings while she's on her cycle like I already talked about, but I feel it's appropriate to continue holding her accountable for her actions during that time. I agree that using this as an excuse doesn't hold a lot of water.

I think the words you chose during the lecture were perfectly fine. You did two things that I particularly agree with - 1) You reinforced her positive behavior ("she made me proud before..happy with the results") which is excellent, and 2) you made it clear to her that her current behavior was inappropriate/unacceptable ("now I can't be proud..can't be happy about this..not getting the respect I deserve"). It's normal for women to feel as though they've let their partner down in punishment situations, so I think her reaction was normal to your words. The only advice I really have here is to maybe choose your words more carefully, and choose them in a way that reflects that you both are in this together. For instance, "Sweetheart, I think we both know that your behavior recently isn't where it needs to be...we've talked before about how to handle this situation...", things like that. Include her in your lecture. That may help.

I hope this helps, Cory. Good luck!

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Anonymous (November 5th 3:38 AM) - You make a very valid point. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's certainly something to think about. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

All the best to you.

-- Clint

cory said...

Always very helpful clint!
Thanks a lot!

Anonymous said...

Hi... i am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 25. He made a list of rules and he spanks me if i break any of them. One of those rules is that i am not allowed to curse AT ALL. I think thats unfair because im 20 and i should be able to curse if i want to but he makes such a big deal about it should i break up with him? i told him about this so many times and he says its disrespectful. I know it is but i dont curse when children are near me or anything just me and my friends talking. Honestly the only reason i put up with the spankings is because i love him but he is taking away my freedom his rules are impossible to follow what should i do?? (anyone plz help)

-Jenna

Anonymous said...

Feel like giving up....

We have been together 24 years, married 19 years, and living DD for 3 years. One of the things I love about DD, if I have it right, is the emphasis on communication.

I have consented to being punished and I know the rules. What I am struggling with is discipline without knowing what rules I have broken and no time set aside that I am allowed to offer my thoughts on a topic. If my HOH doesn't want my input on decisions when he is making them, fine, just let me know when I am allowed to speak - that is all I am asking for. To me this is bordering on control not leadership.

I have asked - nicely - that we please set time aside each week to discuss what is going on with us, where we can discuss - both of us talking and listening to the other - on topics from vacation, to finances, etc. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be a priority for him. I am a big believer in you make the time for what is important to you in life - so where does that put our marriage on his priority list?

Any suggestions on how to help him see the importance of communication - particularly in a DD relationship? I am feeling like discipline without the communication is bordering on abuse. Thoughts?

Clint said...

@Jenna - I'm so incredibly late responding to your comment that my response may be of little value to you at this point, but I'll answer your question anyway. Obviously your comment got lost in the shuffle. I'm terribly sorry about that.

I understand you feel as though you should be able to curse, but if you look deeper into the reason why your boyfriend wants you to stop, you'll see that he has your best interest at heart and is trying to help you become a better person. That's no reason to break up with someone. I would hope that if you choose to break up with a person, it's for a much better reason than he wants/wanted you to stop swearing.

With all due respect, perhaps you and your boyfriend aren't quite ready for this lifestyle. If something like this is causing such conflict between you two, and you aren't seeing his intentions behind his rule, now may not be the time to look into incorporating this lifestyle into your relationship. It sounds like you may not be quite ready for the responsibility of all it entails.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your boyfriend the very best of luck going forward.

@Anonymous (March 3rd, 8:16 AM) - Every wife in a DD relationship should have her thoughts and opinions heard and taken into consideration at all times. Where your husband isn't allowing for those things, I can certainly understand how you feel more controlled than loved. That isn't the way it's supposed to be, obviously.

If verbal communication isn't getting your message through to him, perhaps writing him a letter or an email would be a healthy alternate approach in communication for you. Sometimes it takes a different approach like this to get through to some people. Just a suggestion.

I would give that a try first before you make any decision about whether or not you want to withdraw your consent of this lifestyle. If you still feel the way you do after this, then perhaps you and your husband need to re-evaluate things at that point.

I hope this helps and I hope your situation improves for you. No wife should feel that way. Best of luck to you.

-- Clint

 
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