5:32 PM
Learning Domestic Discipline
We asked a doctor all of the tough domestic discipline questions that you're too embarrassed to ask YOUR doctor. You can read this interview on our new website by clicking here.
Posted in: LDD Interviews
LDD's Weekly Recap: July 29th - August 4th
11 years ago
29 comments:
Thanks Dr. Tom for your detailed answers. I especially liked the references to Clint's blog post about Pro's and Cons. It was very reassuring to have you affirm the information I have grown to trust here.
Clint - Just wanted to say I very much appreciated the job you do here. The mass amount of thought and preparation you go through for the sake of educating people about DD is amazing. You should definitely include a "Donation" button.
Great interview Clint. Thank you for all that you do for us.
Thank you very much Tom. It's fantastic of you to take the time to give us this information. I'm looking forward to part 2.
Excellent interview! I am new to your website so there is a lot to catch up on! I can't wait for part 2!
Thank you Clint and Tom. Very nice once again.
Excellent suggestion Ash. Clint and Chelsea do a wonderful job of helping people to view DD more openly and practice it responsibility.
Clint- I was so excited when I saw your tweet that this post was coming. I just couldn't wait to see it, and you haven't disappointed me. I am so very impressed! Information like this has been so badly needed and I think you have helped literally hundreds of people to practice this lifestyle so much more safely. Personally, I had no idea about the possible nerve damage from thigh spanking if done too low. That's very important info to have! I just can't thank you enough, you went above and beyond with this. I wish I could figure out a way to reach across blogland and shake your hand! :)
@Dr Tom- Thank you so much for taking the time to give such complete, thoughtful answers to some pretty difficult questions. You've helped so many people here and probably prevented some injuries too.
Hi Clint, thank you for this. I have a couple of questions. I know that there are certain that medications that increase the risk of bruising, but what about something common such as ibuprofen? Also, are there any risks related to blod clot formation from bruising? Thanks.
I know you briefly mentioned in question 3 wanting to avoid striking the kidneys/coccyx But I think it is important to really stress that fact. I would hope that everyone knows that it is a bad idea, but I wouldn't be surprised if many people do not realize the gravity of striking that area, especially with something dense like a paddle. Cracking the tailbone and damaging kidneys are very real and possible dangers; it is not fun to urinate blood for a week.
First I want you to understand that I am not making any judgement regarding DD, but am not practicing it, don't want this type of relationship and don't understand it. It seems to me that in this type of relationship one of the partners isn't being treated as, or taking the responsibility for being, an adult.
As I say, I'm not judging those who choose to practice this, but can't imagine why anyone would want to be treated as an child, incapable of making adult decisions, when they are an adult.
Everyone to their own, I'm just trying to understand.
Hi Clint
This was a really good post with some interesting information. Also many thanks to Dr Tom.
I have wanted to ask a few questions for a while and they really was surprised when I saw the topic of this blog because my questions kind of fit into this topic. In relation to Spankings how can the HOH know when they have spanked enough to actually bring about the behaviour modification that was the object of the spanking, and espically if the wife had said they were sorry before the spanking even began or was crying or frightened beforehand. AS I am very new to this I am still thinking very much about this lifestyle and I know that this would be a question that my husband would ask. I know he will be very concerned about the pain element of spankings. I think I am asking how much pain is needed or appropriate for to bring about (for the want of a better way of putting it) the desired result. I am happy for either of you to answer this question and hope it is not too irrelevant for this topic. Many thanks for your relpy and I do understand it will take some time but I look forward to your reply.
Jane
@Ash - Thank you. It's nice to know the information, and all the time I put into this blog, is appreciated. A "donate" button is certainly an idea, particularly with the new site in the works, but I wouldn't want readers to think it's for all the wrong reasons. I'll have to think about that. Thanks for the suggestion!
@Joanie - Thank you, and you're most welcome. There is no better feeling than helping another couple improve their marriage. It's the best, most rewarding feeling in the world, which is why I continue to do what I do.
@Jessica - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the interview. Part II is even better. Welcome to LDD as well. I hope you find it to be a helpful resource for your marriage.
@Becky - You're very welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
@Cowgirl Up - I'm glad you enjoyed the post! I'm always looking for ways to improve any given couple's DD experience. Thanks for your support, and thanks for the virtual handshake! Lol.
@Michelle - You're very welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed the interview. I'll alert Tom to your questions and I'm sure he'll answer them as quickly as he can.
@Anonymous (August 19th 12:41 PM) - I don't think any woman in a healthy DD relationship wants to be treated like a child. In addition, I don't think any man in a healthy DD relationship wants to treat his wife like a child, either. The husband/wife dynamic is a lot different than a parent/child dynamic in ANY marriage, not just a DD one.
A DD marriage is about the husband taking the lead and guiding the marriage in a healthy, safe, and productive direction. It's about the husband assuming the majority of the marital responsibilities, and providing a home environment for his family that is safe, stable and happy.
The husband only punishes the wife when her behavior threatens the safety, stability, happiness, etc. of one or more persons in the home, or threatens those same things in the marriage, or the home environment. The wife still absolutely has an opinion, a say, "free will", etc. If the DD dynamic is operating correctly, the ONLY time a punishment occurs is when these goals of the marriage and home are disrupted or threatened.
I encourage you to continue reading the blog, and other DD blogs around the internet. I don't think you'll truly understand the DD dynamic until you begin practicing it in your own marriage, but you can certainly get a very strong idea if you put a lot of committed, open-minded, genuine effort into researching it.
Good luck to you, and thank you for being respectful with your comment. I wish you nothing but the best.
-- Clint
Great interview!
@Clint - "The husband only punishes the wife when her behavior threatens the safety, stability, happiness, etc. of one or more persons in the home, or threatens those same things in the marriage, or the home environment."
I have never been able to verbalize this. Awesome explanation. Do you mind if I steal it to be shared with my awesome bride.
Thank you for this interview, Clint and Tom. I couldn't see any chance of asking anyone with a medical background about one concern my husband and I have had for quite a while:
Whenever we tried a somewhat firmer/harder hand spanking or spanking with an implement, I did not only feel sore after the spanking (which is certainly intended), but I felt like some nerve had been affected just the way as if you had a "lumbago" caused by a quick, uncontrolled move. Either the nerve pains spreaded into the upper back (sometimes including shoulder blades) or into the legs or even both. In either case this pain lasted for some days and I had to move very cautiously and slowly throughout the time. However, I have to emphasive that my husband spanks my buttocks only with sometimes some swats to my upper tighs. In any case, this physical reaction appears as soon as my husband advances from mild swats to somewhat harder swats. Is there any "general" explanation why this happens? We've always read that swats on the buttocks cannot cause any serious harm, but nerve pains reaching out to other areas are, of course, nothing that could be intended.
I would be thankful for an answer.
Tamira
I'm not judging this lifestyle either but what happens if it's the husband that threatens the general well being of the family unit? Does he get spanked? Doesn't seem fair that it's only the wife that is threatened with corporal punishment.
Can Dr. Tom tell us if there are any risks to the hand.
My opinion - well - in our family the husband is the HoH and what he says - Goes. He is the spanker !
By the way, the belt keeps me listening. Clint - you recommended the belt several months ago when the Lexan was bruising me. Tim has been using it. He is pleased with the results. And I can say that I certainly try and avoid it.
I am 51, my husband is 62. We have been married for twenty years. For the first few years of our courtship and marriage, my husband tried to introduce HOH into our relationship. I rejected the very idea of his premise. Obsurd, NO WAY, we are co-equal! That led to twenty years of co-equal fights, co-equal lonliness and co-equal isolation. The last two years have been every night he was on his on his face-book amd me feeling resentful and wondering if I should take drastic action, like a divorce. It was that miserable.
Then we had an intervetion that I can only attribute to God. The moment wasn't actually anything that hadn't happened before, it was the way my husband took charge. And the way I responded. It took my breath away. I slowly realized my mistake. That was when I started to seriously start reading about HOH relationships. I wanted that dynamic all along. I just didn't understand it.
It has been a lttle over five weeks since I have given my complete submission to my husband and it has been the most romantic and happy weeks of my life. No spankings here, and I don't think there will ever be a need. My personal goal is to never put him through that stress. If ever I indulge myself to the point that I need one, then he has the authority and I will submit. I am committed to making him and our home happy and content.
My husband surprised me with a bouquet of roses for our one month old, new HOH marriage. He never brought me anything for our old marriage.
So my question still stands, what if it's the HoH that's demonstrating poor judgement, bad behaviour and a general disregard for the family. I would consider my husband the leader in our family but that doesn't give him a free pass to say and do whatever he "feels" is right. A marriage is a partnership and I have a say in the general direction our family takes. Husbands are human too and make mistakes. I don't feel I should be punished like a child because I don't agree with all his decisions. So what happens when you REALLY disagree with something he says or does? I mean REALLY disagree. Not like rue unhappy with the toilet paper he bought unhappy, but bigger picture unhappy. What if he listens to what you say but then does whatever he wants. How do you cope with the resentment, anger, etc. Is it really realistic to say, his word is final?
@Anonymous - From my understanding, the HOH holds himself to a higher standard then he does his partner. Every decision is based on what is in the best interest of his partner and her happiness, as well as the family as a whole. Yes, he will make mistakes, but he will own up to it, apologize, and make amends.
@Anonymous (August 23, 11:16 am): I understand your concern regarding major decisions. What, if the HoH deliberately (maybe out of egoistic motives) or without intention made a wrong decision? Like moving to China because this could enhance his career whereas this would either mean a desaster for the rest of the family (for instance no approprate schools available for the kids, no job opportunities for the wife... friends and relatives have to be left behinds and so on...) or this would mean very long periods of separation for the couple and the whole family.
However, DD is based on the assumption that the HoH strives to find the decision which is in the best interest of his wife and his family (just as the other Anonymous stated before). Certainly, the wife needs a lot of TRUST in her husband to suggest the role of HoH to him or to accept it (if it was her husband who came forward with the idea to change to a DD lifestyle). On the other hand: Isn't TRUST necessary for every intimate relationship, anyway?
If a HoH should prove to use his "HoH power" in an irresponsible or clearly egoistic manner, his wife could always withdraw her consent to the DD lifestyle. As for the alleged unfairness of the wife being spanked or otherwise punished whereas the husband isn't: There are already various explanations on this blog and on other blogs. I think you miss the point that (most?) women in DD relationships PREFER this kind of dynamic. If they felt the need to punish their husbands as well, they would decide for another kind of dynamic.
However, this part of the blog is (or should be) about medical issues. I would suggest that you read other topics within this blog where you find more information about the specific features of the DD lifestyle.
Hopefully, Tom and Clint, you both don't mind my interference.
Best wishes
Tamira
That's all well and good that you think he holds himself to a higher standard, but sometimes that "standar" falters. My HoH had an affair while I was eight months pregnant. I hardly think an apology will cut it. And please don't tell me to forgive and move in. The betrayal is too great to paint this situation in black and white. So my question is, how do you deal with a situation of when your husband made such a big mistake that you may not be able to forgive?
@ anonoymous - Your HOH had an affair you can't get past. From personal experience I feel like an affair is a forgivable sin. I understand the feelings of betrayal. Professional counseling would be beneficial to you.
@Anon 24.Aug 7AM – As I read your posts, I felt quite a bit of anger and hurt in your words which is totally understandable. I am so sorry you have had to endure the betrayal and hurt your HoH’s actions have inflicted. His affair violated your marriage, your trust and was not the behavior of a good husband (DD or non-DD). Only you can decide if you can not only forgive his actions but trust him again. I personally think that trying to trust him again will be harder than forgiveness. If you want to put your marriage back together, I would strongly suggest you seek marriage counseling.
I wish I had wiser words for you.
Cat
I wanted to say this is a great informative blog; thank you Clint.
My husband has asked me to search on the topic to see if DD is something i will like in our relationship. I am a submissive person by nature but at the same have a bad temper; my husband in one year of marriage has only seen it once and it wasnt directed to him but to my brother. Not sure at this point if this is something i am willing to try or implement. I have asked my husband to make a list of rules as i am still not understanding what rules apply; for me having my husband become my police will complety turn us appart as a couple, so i am not sure but i congrat every couple out there for finding something that makes your relationship stronger.
@anon 24 aug 7am -- my heart goes out o you, no husband/wife has a right to do that to their partner. For me my husband is the person i choose to share myself with; i will not die if he wasnt in my life so he can be strong enough to say he has another person in his life. Want will i do in your shoes? File for divorce and move on, but that is me. You may want to try counseling, i think Cat is right is the trusting part that will be complety broken for me. I am dont trust people easily. For me once my trust is breach that person is out of my life. I really hope you come out with what your heart wants.... be strong and God bless you.
Dear Anon. Aug. 27 10:37am
Many women start DD with one problem in mind that they want to change about themselves. Clint's wife Chelsea procrastinated. I wanted to start because my weight was causing problems with my health. Find one thing about yourself that you are not satisfied with and want to change, then set up rules and consequences around that issue. Test drive DD for a while to really understand what it is about. Try for 3 months. You have the option of stopping the lifestyle if you decide it doesn't work for you and your marriage. All the best to you.
CP
Very informative. I plan to bookmark this.
@Anonymous August 27, 7AM: I am sorry that you have to deal with such a hurtful experience. It is understandable that you feel a simple apology is not sufficient to wipe away your pain. However, which measures could release your pain? Would you think it helpful (for you and for your relationship) if you spanked him or grounded him? Well, maybe this could work for you (two). Please remember that any punishment in a DD relationship should be given out of love and for the benefit of the couple and not out of anger, rage or even hatred.
Any kind of revenge will not work as it will only deepen the gap between you and him. But if you think your husband has to earn your trust and respect again before he can continue being your HoH, then you should certainly withdraw your consent to a DD relationship for the present moment. But then again in a "normal" marriage you also have to (eventually) overcome the pain and anger and you also have to build up trust and love again - otherwise there's no other way than separation. You only know how important this man is to you and how much you still love him. All the best for you! I hope you can find out what is currently best for you!
Tamira
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