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Learning Domestic Discipline
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We cover how important crying from the submissive partner is during the spanking process. You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.
Posted in: Spanking
LDD's Weekly Recap: July 29th - August 4th
11 years ago
43 comments:
I can not express how much this post means to mean. I am going to show it to MDK tonight so that we can work together to address the issue and he can see the suggestions you posted. I have gotten to the point where yes, the spanking hurt, but the tears will not come. I constantly bottle up my emotions and the crying is so important to me. Thanks Clint - it means a lot!
~Fondly~
Addy
Clint, Do you not think it depends on the "type" of spanking? Maintenance or slight attitude adj. vs. a punishment spanking. I whole heartedly agree with release needed of guilt when a rule has been broken but sometimes I, personally, just need a quick snap out of it spanking that changes my out look on a situation. Does that make sense? I also agree that the lecture should be specific and questions and answers involved.
Clint,
Thanks for such great information. I have spent most of my life being "tough" and it's pretty hard for me to allow myself to cry. The spankings I receive feel plenty hard though and trust me, I receive the message even if I don't cry. Boot camp sounds a little intimidating(okay, a lot intimidating), but maybe that's an option we should look into. I have heard of a great book on the subject :)
Clint,
In light of recent commentary, there is a term in the south that you may or may not be familiar with... "You are a glutton for punishment." :)
That being said, as always, I found this to be informational and thought provoking. I don't cry during punishment. Your aritcle has caused me to really think through our process and see if there are ways to improve. Mostly, looking and thinking and deciding if my heart is indeed in the right place when there is a need for discipline. In short, do I have a contrite heart that is open to correction or am I doing my best to "outlast him" or prove to him and myself that I am stronger?
Always learning, always striving to be a better partner to the Man, I appreciate your willingness to tackle the tough stuff.
Dana
I'm also curious about your thoughts about maintenance and crying.
I had a very difficult time crying when my husband first started spanking me, mostly because pain rarely makes me cry. Personally upping the intensity of a spanking will not bring tears, however a more "stern" lecture will do the trick.
I love this post. We are new to this, though it's something that I've thought about for basically the entirety of our 8 year marriage. I got up the nerve to suggest it finally because I didn't see any other resort for us, we were both miserable. I realized I was so BITCHY with him, and he was letting me treat him that way . . . I hated it, I hated how I felt, I hated how it made him feel, and I hated how it was started to affect our relationship and our lives.
Anyway to my surprise (and sometimes consternation, lol) he has taken to this so well . . . like a natural!! But . . . I don't cry. After reading this (and I read your wife's blog as well; I think I'm a lot like her regarding this issue) I think I need to be. I'm not sure how to approach him. Any suggestions?
It seems a little . . . awkward. "Honey, this is going really well but you need to lecture me first (that's not part of the agenda currently) and possibly spank me harder because I'm not crying". I definitely fall into the "yadayada get it over with" category and I'm really struggling with submission and letting go . . . I'm a very strong personality naturally, so . . . help?
Hey Clint-
Open. Can. Worms. Yea Buddy! (at least for non-DD crew)
Here are my thoughts which, along with $1 will get you a cheap cup of coffee.
I don't cry when I'm physically hurt - never really have. My way of dealing with physical pain is to say a lot of words I shouldn't (hmmm - I hear a lot of HoH sighs and feel the LOOKS pointed my way), but I’m really trying to do better. Anyway, what really causes me to cry buckets are emotions. If I'm sad, scared, upset, remorseful, etc. I will just sob. Happiness and touching stories (good or sad) also make me cry.
To give you an example, I’ve always had a need for speed. I have only had 1 accident (not due to speed), no speeding tickets in the last 10 years, and know to drive according to road conditions. I also know to stay home during bad weather because everyone is safer if I’m not on the roads (am not good in ice or snow). I really didn’t see a problem with a bit of lead foot in good weather until my fiancé said “Did you ever stop and think how I would feel if you were seriously injured or killed? Did you consider that I would feel like a failure for not living up to my responsibility to take care of you?” It was a much longer and more painful lecture than that but what had me in tears was not the spanking (the results just acted as a painful reminder – sorta drove the point home) but the fact that I really hadn’t looked at the situation from his point of view and how my actions were impacting his feelings. When the thought sunk in, I just sobbed to think of how I was hurting him.
One note to HoHs – if you have a wife that does not cry when she’s in physical pain, be very careful not to spank too hard or too long. Since you won’t have tears to guide you, you will need to watch your wife closely for whatever signals she gives that the message has been received loud and clear.
Happy Father's Day to all the HoH's who read this blog.
@Clint - hope your first Father's Day is a very special one.
Thank you for addressing this most important issue. i would like to see it written by a woman though for the same reason i would rather have a female gynecologist. We all know that our husbands will do anything for us and try to understand our "issues" but i think in this case "it takes one to know one" because there are some things that a man simply cannot understand about a woman.
As we all know, some women cry easily and some can't cry at all. It is very difficult for me to cry during a spanking or at anytime. Why - I don't know. For some women it could be past abuse, fear of intimacy, inability to bond to another human being that deeply, hormones, a new child in the house, inability to trust her husband, etc...
The worst thing is for any woman to feel inadequate for not crying! Equally as bad is a husband who spanks harder and harder to MAKE her cry thinking he is doing the right thing thus abusing her.
I would suggest a post by a women for the women on this topic. For me, I would feel more understood and comfortable talking to others who had the same issue and understood from experience. Maybe we could help each other.
Happy Father's Day, Clint! :)
You blog is awesome. Thanks for another great entry.
@Addy - You're most welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Crying is indeed a healthy part of the spanking process, and I certainly hope you and your spouse can find a means of making it happen.
Best of luck to you, Addy.
@Anonymous (June 16th 11:59 AM) - Yes, you make perfect sense and yes, I do feel it depends on the spanking as you've described. For lengthy punishments crying is an important part of it, but for less serious spankings crying isn't as crucial. Less serious spankings (like maintenance spankings, immediate swats, and reminder spankings) don't necessarily need the crying aspect to be effective. They can be used as a "readjustment" of sorts, and can be effective even when the wife isn't brought to tears.
You brought up an excellent point, and I certainly appreciate you doing so. Thank you so much. All the best to you.
@Cowgirl Up - Oh, the boot camp book is outstanding! :) I'm glad you enjoyed the post. If you can some how some way get to the point of crying, I assure you it will help immensely. You'll feel so much better about things. It sounds like it's a mindset thing for you, so hopefully your husband can help you get you to the correct mindset when a spanking situation arises for you two.
Good luck to you, and thank you again for the kind words.
@Dana - I must be a glutton for something. What that is, I'm not quite sure yet. :)
I think a lot of women try to "outlast" the spanking, or prove some kind of point to their husband that they can "take it." While that's all fine and dandy, it sure makes things more difficult for the husband. If his wife isn't crying, he's not getting the information he needs. What I mean is he may incorrectly feel as though he isn't spanking hard enough, or long enough if his wife isn't crying, and therefore he'll keep going beyond what is necessary, and the wife may end up bruising. As a result, he will either feel as though A) he failed and didn't spank correctly, or B) he'll feel terrible that he bruised you. But, he had no indicator that he was spanking hard enough since his wife wasn't crying. See what I mean? It's important in more ways than one for the wife to cry. Crying tells the husband where he's at in the spanking, which is extremely helpful. I'm talking from experience here. Trust me, this is true.
Anyway, I sort of rambled there but if I can convince you to stop trying to "outlast" the spanking, it would really help your husband. I'm sure of it. Regardless, I hope things work out for the best for you. Good luck.
@Anonymous (June 16th 4:14 PM) - I don't think crying during/after a maintenance spanking is as crucial as it is after a standard punishment spanking. With maintenance, there's no infraction tied to it so there's no need for a "you broke the rule" lecture from the husband. There's no mindset to get the wife into. Does that make sense? She didn't necessarily break a rule, so her mindset won't be one of "I feel so bad about breaking a rule and disappointing my husband." She didn't do anything wrong. Maintenance is simply to REMIND her to continue not doing anything wrong, so tears aren't nearly as necessary. They wouldn't be cleansing any guilt, either.
Those are my thoughts on crying during/after a maintenance spanking. I hope that helps you out. All the best to you.
-- Clint
@Gitzy - You do sound a lot like my wife on the crying issue. I understand what you're saying when you feel it would be awkward to approach him about you WANTING him to get you to tears during a spanking. On the surface that sounds so backwards, but at the same time it shows you know how important it is, and how much it would mean for the marriage if you DID cry. That's not an easy thing for a wife to admit, so I certainly admire your feelings on this issue.
You probably aren't going to like my advice, but you're going to have to have that awkward conversation with your husband. He can't fix a problem he doesn't know about. I would just say, "Honey, I know this is going to sound kind of crazy, but there is something on my mind when it comes to how we spank. I'm not crying when we spank, and I feel like I need to cry to get the full benefit from it. Here's why..." and explain it all to him. After you explain it all, then say, "So, what do you think? Is that something you can help me with or something we can work towards?" and let him decide what to do.
I'd also suggest giving him some reading material on lecturing and crying. Have him read this post about crying. It would probably help him understand why it's so important. I don't think it would hurt anything to give him information to read about this whole issue.
I hope that helps, Gitzy. I hope you two can work together to improve on this aspect of the spanking process. Good luck.
@Cat - Thank you for the Father's Day wishes! I couldn't have asked for a better Father's Day. It was wonderful. :)
You make an excellent point, again, as you do in most of your comments. It's easy to forget how behaviors and actions can truly effect your spouse, particularly if those actions lead to the worst of all possible scenarios (God forbid). I think if wives took a moment to put themselves in their husbands shoes from time to time and truly make an effort to understand why their husbands don't like certain behaviors, a lot of light bulbs would turn on.
On the same token, I think if husbands improved upon their lectures and helped their wives see things from their point of view (just as your fiance did), it would help many wives understand just how much their behaviors impact the marriage, for better or worse. It's a two-way street, no doubt. Like most aspects of a DD marriage.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit but I appreciate you offering your thoughts on the crying issue. Thank you so much. And, if you ever want to write a guest post, please let me know. You impress me with your comments, and that's not something I say often. Thank you, and enjoy the rest of your week, Cat. All the best.
@His lily - Oh there are a lot of things men don't understand about women. Not just "some" things. :)
You make a good suggestion, and there is a post written by my wife about crying, which I linked to at the end of this entry. However, perhaps another post about the issue would be helpful. I'll discuss it with my wife. Thank you for the suggestion!
Also, thank you for the Father's Day wishes! I had a great Father's Day. I love being a dad. :)
All the best to you, Lily.
@Anonymous (June 17th 6:48 PM) - Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and I thank you for being a loyal reader of the blog. That means a lot to me.
All the best.
-- Clint
I have delayed crying. What I mean is, when I get hurt either emotionally or physically, I get stoic. No matter what my emotions are inside. I believe there are 2 reasons for this. 1) My dad was very critical when I cried, I only seen him cry twice. I found myself in more trouble if I cried than if I didn't. 2) I have been a nurse for over 30 years. Sometimes you just can't cry, no matter what you feel, because there are things that have to be accomplished. I've cried on the way home, many times. My husband tends to stop spanking me, when I start to plead, which is really too early. If I'm ooing and ouching he continues. If I say oh, husband's name, that hurts, or please, then he stops. I'm still not sure that I would cry if he continued. I just posted this because I feel if you practice not crying long enough, it makes it really hard to release the tears. -Belle L.
Clint,
I have to agree that my not crying is a mindset. My husband being a man of action and few words futher complicates things, at least in this regard. I think he would find lecturing me as you describe as challenging as I find crying :)
Do you think that if crying is achieved once, it would be like a lasting breakthrough that makes future crying easier?
I'm pretty sure what you're going to think about my next comment, but in the spirit of somehow, someway being able to cry, here goes-I'm sure you've heard actors saying that the way they are able to cry on cue for the camera is by thinking about something in their life that really did make them cry. Their dog dying, or a serious illness of a friend. Sounds horrible, but it works to make them cry genuine tears.Would doing the same thing during or right before a spanking to get the tears flowing and then start focusing on the spanking and the reason behind it be a way to accomplish the crying goal.I mean if you're already crying wouldn't it be easier to transfer those feelings to the present and continue crying for the right reasons? Or. would that just be "cheating" and defeating the whole point/purpose?
Yeah, I know, it's a pretty strange question, but thank you in advance for your consideration of it.
You seem to have a rather tiresome fixation on crying. Some people do not cry when spanked, I don't for instance. i tend to cry over emotional upsets, and being spanked tends to calm rather than excite my emotions.
DD does not work in exactly the same way for everyone. i think it is important to remember that.
Louise
@Louise-lol, Well, crying can improve one's dispositon for one.
I'm not sure if you meant your remark for me personally or just in general as the entire blog and comments that followed were about crying (or not crying), during a spanking session.
If your comments were for me, I thank you for your imput and hope you'll accept my apology for boring you. Have a great day!
My HOH and I are fairly new to this type of relationship. I must say it has helped us in so many ways. Clint you give the best advice. This perticular topic is not an issue. Considering we are new to this type of life style my husband seems to know what he is doing. He makes sure I know when I brake a rule. I haven't been spanked for the samething twice that's for sure. Very affective. I don't plan on having many at all if I can help it.
@Belle L. - You make an excellent point. You're describing a "conditioning" of sorts. You've been "conditioned" over the years to hold back the tears, from the sound of things. It's a learned behavior for you to NOT cry. It's difficult to undo a learned behavior, particularly one as long lasting as yours has been. Hopefully, if you want to cry from a spanking, you can find a way to get in the right mindset and release those emotions without having to delay it.
I appreciate you sharing your experience/thoughts. It certainly gives those that read it something to think about. Good luck to you in the future.
@Cowgirl Up - To answer your first question - no, not necessarily. It may HELP you to become more comfortable with crying in the future, but since every infraction and every spanking situation comes with it's own circumstance, I don't think crying after one specific spanking would have a significant impact on the probability of crying again in a future spanking situation. I hope that made sense.
To your second question - You know, this is a tough question for me to answer. I think it would be better answered by a female, to be honest with you. It may help to do something like that, but the most honest answer I can give you is that I don't know. Sorry. As an HoH, I would want my wife focusing solely on the infraction and why she's getting spanked, but if you can switch "mid-cry" to thinking about that, then I suppose it could work. As long as the behavior did not repeat, it would work for me. But that's just my opinion. I really don't know. You've stumped me on this one, to be perfectly honest with you. I've never been asked that before.
Sorry I'm not more help with that second question. Perhaps some women will offer their thoughts on it. I'd like to hear their responses myself.
All the best to you, Cowgirl Up.
@Louise - This entire post is specifically about crying, as are the comments on this post, so I suppose it is fixated on crying. That was the point of the post, and I'm glad it came through loud and clear to you.
I assume you're new to the blog since I've made the statement that DD is different for every marriage dozens of times throughout the blog and comments. So we're certainly in agreement there. Thank you for reminding us all of that, and welcome to the blog. Thank you so much for reading.
All the best to you, Louise.
@Anonymous (June 20th 3:39 PM) - Thank you very much for the kind words. I'm glad you and your husband have found the blog to be helpful for your marriage. :)
From the sound of your comment it appears you both are doing well with DD and your marriage is improving because of it. I'm so happy to hear that, and I wish you continued success in the future.
All the best.
-- Clint
This post hits home with me. I am not a cryer, well I am but I DO NOT let anyone see my cry.
I have thought about it and thought about it and all I can come up with is when I was little and I would cry my dad would send me to my room until I was done crying so in my mind crying is only done in private when I am alone..if that makes sense to you.
I don't even let people see me cry when I watch a movie, I get up and excuse myself until I compose myself and return to watch the movie, most of the time everyone just thinks I am going to the restroom.
I don't know how to get past this, and believe me spanking harder won't help because HOH spanks hard and has plenty of implements (just bought some new ones too) and I understand what I did wrong after my punishment and I also appreciate it after it is all said and done and he is holding me in his arms.
I know when I need punished and to be honest with you I tell him when I do things that are a punishable offense 1. because I feel guilty that I broke the rule and 2. I know that lies always surface and punishment would be much worse if I didn't tell. But I still can't cry and it isn't because he isn't doing it right it is just built in to me that crying is done in private not in front of people.
Paula
dear Clint,
I do not cry, but it's not because I do not realize my mistakes or I am not afraid of them, or I deny my husband's authority or his judgement.
My problem is that my pain threshold is very high (I never cried neither during my labors)consequently, My husband has never suceeded in making me cry. Now we use a thick wooden paddle (1 inch) but even after 450 swats I feel pain but I am not able to cry...
I'm (anonymous June 20th 3:39) I was wondering the women who don't cry when you receive a punishment spanking do you have that emotional release after a spanking. Also do you have the feeling that the problem is solved and in the past. I don't cry very easily either I take physical and emotional pain very well but boy my husband brakes threw that. I kind of get the feeling that maybe some of you haven't opened up or giving yourself to your HOH. I don't mean any disrespect at all just courious. I was reading something that said some women who don't cry don't trust their HOH with giving their all to them. That they don't have that emotional connection. Something like that.
@Clint- I feel bad for stumping you. Really :)
Seriously, you did answer my questions just by giving your honest thoughtful opinions. That's all anyone could ask for, so thanks again for your time and patience.
I hope you and your beautiful family have a wonderful time at the beach/vacation. God bless....
@Anonymous June 22 10:16- Though I haven't yet been able to cry during a spanking, I do still feel the slate has been wiped clean and the issue I've been spanked for is entirely in the past. I do get some emotional release, like my feelings of guilt and remorse are gone. I also feel like I've "paid" for my misdeeds. Honestly though, I don't think I receive the total release that I've heard described by other women who do cry. I would really like to experience that for myself someday and plan on working towards it with my husband. You bring up a very valid point that maybe some of us aren't totally giving ourselves up to our HOH. Personally, I think there may be more than a little truth in that. As someone who has always felt I had to be strong and not show weakness it is very hard to completely give myself up to anyone, even my husband of many years.I do feel that we have a very strong emotional connection though.
I don't think you meant any disrespect at all with your questions. How do you think your husband is able to break through your "walls", is it the lecture or the spanking itself- if you don't mind my asking?
To anonymous June 22nd. Like I said I am new to this but this is the type of relationship I wanted I suggested this to my husband. I have always been in charge of everything. I mean everythimg! I am very strong willed and refused to be controlled by anyone. Physical pain, man can I handle some physical pain. Also laughing is a nervous reaction for me. I no longer wanted all the responsibility of the hoh I was not doing as good as I have n the past. I wasn't not being the best mother and wife. And I was mean time him whenever I felt like it. At first the lecture didnt phase me but it bothers me a little more as time goes on. I hate to say this and it might not be the right way of practicing DD but my husband had to be a little rough he is very loving and genial so he found being a little on the aggressive side more or less scared me. Also I don't do well with humiliation so he had to do a little something different. I would share but it doesn't seem to go with this blog. Now I am more open I feel I opened up in a way I had not until that point.
My husband and I read this together and he dieced he should give me more lectures.Don't take this the wrong way but I hate lectures. Now I get them after every session. Ugh! I do cry during all spankings though. But I mostly do because my but is on fire. Clint is that bad?
-Tammi
Hi Clint. i just wrote a blog post titles Can't Cry? Maybe This Will Help http://aspankedwifesphotoblog.blogspot.com
It offers information that helped me to be able to cry so it may help others. If you feel it's appropriate, please post it.
Thank you for your efforts on our behalf, Clint. We really appreciate you and the information you offer.
lily
My husband and I have been practicing DD since march. Overall, it has improved communication, intimacy and our roles. It has not been without challenge. We overcame my brattiness and "testing" and we overcame his inconsistency and half_assed (excuse my pun) spanking. The greatest barrier is his anger. We both work and maybe see each other a 3 hours a night during the week. A few weeks ago h he spanked with no lecture, no self control, and it was the scariest spanking. He realized what happened and he put measures in place to take time to calm down lecture etc. He made it fit us and it seemed to be working. He does not approve of me crying at all during a spanking, which I don't agree with, but I do accept his rationale. Anyway things were going stellar but then every day at least once aday he jumps on me for little things, he could easily discipline me for. The yelling and external referncing of his issues hurt me to the core. One of his friend's is staying with us for the past month and commented on how mean he is to me and how well i handle it. I acknowledged that it hurts me, but was steadfast in my love and support of my husband. I asked his friend to talk to him man to man (he does not know we practice DD), but I don't know if he will. Last night was an awful night no disciplining, but he was screaming at me to get in th garage, wouldn't let me leave, etc. The issue was i asked him if he was cooking dinner. I just got home from work and household errands and he said yes. I asked thinking in the present tense and he answered thinking in the future tense. Then he said he would start cooking. I said i would get a bowl of cereal and go to bed. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night because we were up arguing but it was resovled. I also had to go to work early to respond to a crisis the next day. He was not in control of his anger toward me. When he did tune back in and accepted the miscommunication not that i was disrespecting him. i explained to him, i could not be spanked by him any more until he gets his anger issues under control. He told me i was selfish and i admitted i did think the spanking could have been an acceptable way for me to handle his anger. I have a trauma history and told him I would take him beating the s**t out of me over screaming, verbally abusing and embarrassing me anyday. I don't know what to do. I love my husband and still accept him as my HOH even if he's not capable of spanking me right now. I just want him to take care of himself and get better and i don't know what to do. It's really hard to stay strong and have faith in myself to be his helpmate. Any advice you can give would be great. I am starting to get really depressed.
I'm new to DD also and I might be wrong but this may not be the best thing for you guys right now. Does your husband treat you that way after a punishment spanking? Did you husband treat you this way before starting dd?
@Anonymous June 29th 1:07- I'm really sorry about the problems you're having. I think your situation sounds a little scary.
I don't think an HoH should ever spank in anger or without being in total control of themselves. The potential for it to turn into a full out abusive beating is just too high if they are out of control and angry.It's even worse if they are just using you to take out their anger on when it is not even about anything YOU did.
A DD relationship is supposed to put an end to the yelling and fighting, not make it worse. I mean no disrespect, but I truly think with what you described, your husband needs some counseling.I don't think you should submit to any spankings or anything else unless and until he is in complete control of himself. That's not being selfish, you have every right to protect yourself.
A wifes submission to her husband should be seen by him as a precious gift she has given him (because that's what it is), and he should make every effort to be worthy of it, not use it as an excuse to abuse her or treat her as a doormat.
Have you ever received any counseling for the past abuse you suffered? Again, I mean no disrespect, but maybe you could also benefit from some counseling. In the meantime, maybe it would be best to put DD on hold for a while?? I wish you the best of luck.
@Anonymous 29.Jun.12 1:07PM - I am so sorry you are having such problems in your relationship.
Cowgirl Up made some excellent points and I have to agree that it sounds as if your husband definitely needs anger management counseling. Hopefully, the counseling would identify and deal with the underlying issues for his anger.
I would strongly suggest that you take DD off the table until he has attended counseling and is able to control his temper for at least a few months. This is not selfish - it is actually protecting not only you but your relationship.
The was an excellent post regarding anger in spankings written on this blog by Christina (http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2012/02/guest-blogger-handling-angry-spankings.html). If you haven't done so, I would suggest you read it and the corresponding comments.
NO ONE (husband, wife, parent, boss, etc.) should ever take out their anger on another person. Please take care of yourself and do not this pull you into a depressive state. If for no other reason than your self-esteem, you might consider seeking some counseling.
My prayers and best wishes are with you.
@Paula - Your comment definitely makes sense and I certainly understand not wanting to cry in front of others. Some feel it's showing weakness, which may or may not be the case with you, and most people don't want to show that weakness. I get that. Crying in front of people isn't easy to do, and can be embarrassing/uncomfortable.
If you were to cry in front of ANYONE in the world, it would be your husband though, right? I can clearly see how hard it is for you to do so, but honestly it may take a great deal of emotional weight off of your shoulders if you can some how some way show that emotion in front of him.
Regardless of whether or not that ever happens, I appreciate you having the courage to share your story. I'd imagine a lot of women share your same experience with the crying issue. Good luck, and all the best to you.
@Helen - Wow, that is quite the pain tolerance if your husband spanks THAT much and you don't cry. 450 strikes is rather excessive, in my opinion. I hope you consent to this and are doing it safely. Your buttocks may be numb after that many strikes, but either way, it sounds like you're not going to cry no matter what happens to you physically. That's incredible.
Thanks for sharing your experience. All the best.
@Cowgirl Up - I don't get stumped often, but I'm not afraid to admit when I do. :)
We had a great vacation! We can't wait to go again next year. All the best to you, Cowgirl Up!
@Tammi - No, that isn't bad at all. As you can see in the comments on this post, many women wish they could cry for the emotional release of it. The fact that you cry after your spankings is a GOOD thing, and a healthy thing for the emotional strengthening of your marriage. Crying, as harsh as it may sound, is very beneficial to a DD marriage.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you nothing but the best going forward.
@His Lily - Thank you so much for sharing your post. I'm sure it will help a few wives out there with their crying issues.
Thank you so much for your support as well. That means so much to me. I'm honored to have you as a reader. :)
All the best to you, Lily.
-- Clint
@Anonymous (June 29th 1:07 PM) - Count me as a third supporter of the notion that your husband should look into some anger management counseling. There's no shame in admitting that perhaps some help is needed with this issue, so I hope he is willing to consider it. Personally, I would respect a man for acknowledging his faults and taking the necessary steps in getting help for them much much more than a man that brushes them aside thinking they'll improve over time.
Your situation obviously sounds like a difficult one, and I'm very sorry to hear about it. No wife deserves to be yelled at and disrespected in the manner you've described in your comment. I'd imagine he requires respect from you, so it's only fair that he reciprocate that respect to you.
I also feel it's best for you two to hold off on DD for a while. When you can trust that your husband will keep his anger in check again, THEN look into bringing DD back into your marriage. You HAVE to trust your partner to practice this lifestyle in a loving manner, and if that trust is gone right now, I'd work on getting it back before carrying on with Domestic Discipline. Anger management for your spouse would be a great place to start.
I hope you know you have plenty of support here, as you can see from those who responded to your comment. I wish you the very best of luck in getting past this issue in your marriage. Stay safe and keep your head up. You can get past it if you both work together.
All the best.
@Anonymous (June 29th 2:40 PM), @Cowgirl Up, @Cat - Thank you all for offering your advice and support to a person who needs it. I can't speak for her but I'd imagine she appreciates it, and I do as well. Thank you.
All the best to each of you.
-- Clint
Thank you so much for the comments of support. I have waited until now to read the comments and thought I'd give an update. My husband and I had a great discussion and we are putting the DD on hold. He realized his role in the problem, not that I am without faults, but the whole point is he needs to be in control to help hold me accountable. Love and cherish him because he came around the next day and we had a genuine discussion about. He's not willing to seek counseling. I have gone through counseling and which is what I credit to having insight to be able to set clear boundaries with something like DD. I think counseling can help, but ya know there is the stigma and all. For now i am comfortable with uplifting him in his hoh role. He has been making an effort to control himself as the anger issue impacts other areas of his life. Thank you again for your support I will still be following the site and lifestyle as it has truly helped us communicate and expanded our relationship. Will have hope that the discipine may come back when he's ready. I have to work on patience anyway ;)
Hi Clint,
My husband and I practice DD and we have both learned a lot from your blog if I could just make one suggestion though. Time and time gain you state that if a wife doesn't want a punishment that she should talk to her HoH about it and ultimately leave the desicion up to him but I think that sentiment could lead to abuse or if a wife truely is against a spanking and gets one anyway it could enrage her and cause her to tell someone who then could go to the police. I think every DD relationship should have a safe word to be used when the wife is expressly against a discipline. We do in our relationship and it is not used lightly I have never used it but I would if I felt that I could not handle the punishment and it make force me into making a rash decision that would affect the rest of our lives. If the safe word is being misused or being given very often then perhaps a DD relationship is not for that couple. I think that everyone should remember that HoH does have the power in the relationship only because the wife has given it to them and it is her right to take it back if she feels that she needs to. We have also put into place a safety measure that if I decide at anytime we don't want this type of relationship I am free to let him know and we will immediately stop, however if it just prior to or in the middle of a disciple session then if I decide that I miss it and want to go back to the DD style relationship then we will begin with the discipline that did not happen or was stopped. This way it stop me from deciding that I don't want a DD type of relationship just to get out of a spanking and then resuming it because I do enjoy it and miss it. I just want to remind readers that DD can be dangerous if the wife feels like she has no choice but. To accept it and has no power to stop it and I would hate for any man to end up with his life in ruins because of a miscommunication. Perhaps you could write a blog about it reminding both party's to keep it consensual at all times even after committing to a DD relationship. All the best to ou and your wife. Michelle
@Anon 6.Jul.12 6:20pm - So happy to hear that things are going well for you and your husband and that you had a great discussion. It sounds as if things are on a much more stable path.
It can be frustrating that the same people (men and women) who will go to a medical doctor if they are sick or injured consider attending any type of "counseling" as weak or for crazies. Go figure. :) Is there a calm, level-headed, respected friend or family member that your husband would consider sitting down and just talking "man-to-man" with?
I will keep praying that your husband works through his anger issues and you work through your patience issues (I do know all about those. haha).
i want to cry. my mr and i only use spankings for positivie reenforcement or when i am really stressed, anxious, or insecure. Since I really enjoy them its not a punishment. and usually if i mess up or act out of line, his disappointment is more painful than a spanking ever could be anyway. but still... i want to cry. is it possible to cry if a spanking isnt punishment?
@Anonymous (July 6th 6:20 PM) - Thank you for the update. I think you've made the right choice. DD will always be there when you both feel it can be done the right way.
Best of luck to you going forward.
@Michelle - You make a lot of great points in your comment and I appreciate you sharing your idea/thoughts on the blog. A "safe word" can certainly help some marriages and I'll take your suggestion to write an entry about that concept into strong consideration.
I just want to touch on the following portion of your comment:
"Time and time gain you state that if a wife doesn't want a punishment that she should talk to her HoH about it and ultimately leave the desicion up to him but I think that sentiment could lead to abuse or if a wife truely is against a spanking and gets one anyway it could enrage her and cause her to tell someone who then could go to the police."
Not "wanting a punishment" and discussing a punishment are two different things. Negotiating a punishment or being confrontational about a punishment with your husband, in extremely rare cases, MAY lead to what you say it potentially could, however I DO feel that a wife should discuss any aspects of a punishment that she does not agree with with her husband and the couple should work together in finding the best way to carry out said punishment for their marriage.
If a wife feels she cannot respectfully and calmly approach her husband and discuss how a punishment works in their marriage, then, more than likely, the situation is already abusive. A wife should always feel comfortable talking to her husband about specific DD practices, and vice versa. If either individual in DD relationship feels as though they can't do that, then they aren't practicing DD correctly and it's a major cause for concern. Feeling as though you cannot approach your spouse about your concerns is not how a healthy DD marriage operates.
I hope this isn't the case in your marriage. I certainly hope you're doing okay and I wish you nothing but the best.
@takenbysir - It's possible, sure. A lot of women (and men, for that matter) cry from very strong emotions rather than any level of pain. If you want to cry I would look for another avenue in which to make that happen rather than spanking, since spanking is not punishment in your marriage.
Good luck to you.
-- Clint
I cried tonight. Spent too much.
@Anne - I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon.
All the best.
-- Clint
Me and my wife just recently started DD. Only about two and a half months ago. Last night was the first time she did anything that warranted a spanking, she lied to me. We talked and everything and I made sure she understood why it’s important not to lie to me, but about five or six spanks into it she started crying, and though I had seen her cry before, I had never seen her cry because of something I did/ was doing. I hated seeing her cry so I stopped and gave her bedroom time instead. I know that was a mistake and I should have followed through with the spanking. Any advice on how to stay strong and not give in next time would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
@Anonymous (July 24th 3:45 PM) - I appreciate your comment more than most, and the reason why is because it illustrates how difficult spanking can be for the HoH at times, too. I think that is sometimes overlooked/forgotten.
Anyway, let me start by saying I completely understand how you feel, as it's something I've experienced myself. That's a really tough moment. I also completely understand stopping mid spanking and administering another punishment, however, it IS important that you finish the spanking as you would under any other circumstance. I think you know that already, but it's important to get the full effect of the spanking both physically (for her) and emotionally (for you both), and the way to do that is by conducting the spanking as you would normally.
I'm going to speak from my own personal experience here, since I've gone through this very same thing on more than one occasion. What helped me get through it was remembering how the crying is BENEFICIAL to her, and remembering how the crying strengthens the emotional bond between us. It's a necessary evil, if you will. Many women want to cry and can't (as you can see in the comments), so it's safe to say that the crying is a very helpful and cathartic part of the entire spanking process for women. I'd imagine your wife is no different.
I think it would also help to talk to your wife about this. I'm willing to bet you'd be surprised at her take on it, and I'd bet you'd find that she WANTS to cry, and actually appreciates it when she gets spanked to that point. I know that sounds crazy, but if your wife is completely honest with her feelings on this, I'd imagine that's how she feels. When you stop mid-spanking, you're actually taking the emotional release she will get from crying away from her, which is something she likely wants, and I think hearing her say that to you will help you understand that the crying is a GOOD thing and something that is beneficial to the "cleaning the slate" phenomenon of the spanking process. Hearing her say that will help you to push past that urge to stop mid-spanking and complete the spanking as normal since you'll then know it's important to HER.
It's not an easy hurdle to overcome. Believe me, I know. But I promise you the crying is so therapeutic for her, and you two will connect much deeper emotionally from her crying.
I don't know if this helps or not, but I tried to explain it the best I could. It's a difficult thing to put into words. Anyway, I wish you luck in getting past this hurdle.
All the best.
-- Clint
It does help alot, thank you Clint. -Mark
@Mark - My pleasure, Mark. Glad I could help.
-- Clint
Suppose she does something dangerous and winds up being hospitalized. How would u recommend dealing w/ it after she's out of the hospital?
@Anonymous (August 3rd 6:19 PM) - I recommend the husband punish just as he would under normal circumstances once his wife is fully recovered. In a situation you've described, priority number one is getting the wife completely healthy. Once that is achieved, the couple should then resume their DD practices as they were prior to the hospitalization.
I hope this helps you out. Best of luck to you, and if anyone was/is injured in your family, I wish them a speedy recovery.
-- Clint
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