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Learning Domestic Discipline
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LDD's Weekly Recap: July 29th - August 4th
11 years ago
Saturday, June 9, 2012
FAQs - "HoH Accountability" Edition
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40 comments:
1Corinthians 11:3 Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man (her husband)
In a Christian marriage, the husband carries the responsibility for the state of the marriage and he is accountable to Jesus Christ, as stated in the above scripture. That is a heavy burden for them to bear. Knowing this i want to do all i can to help my husband so that God is happy with Him and the job He is doing with the family that God gave Him..
i would much rather be accountable to my husband. (i get lots of cuddles and kisses) :)
lily
Interesting post Clint. This doesn't happen often in our household, but recently my HOH admitted to me that he had done something that had caused me to receive my worst punishment to date. I felt really bad about this, it felt like it made a mokery of my punishment and his authority.
Im not sure how I forgave him exactly, I honnestly forgot about it until now! I think I just said to myself, he is sorry and he is the boss, I need to allow him to process this himself. He admitted it to me and that is the important thing.
Thanks for the interesting post.
c
What?! You don't recommend the Spencer Spanking Plan?! Well, geez, there goes that happy fantasy! ;-)
Seriously though, great post. I think every one of those steps is so important! Great job articulating all that, Clint!
Waoo. Thank you .
When my husband feels he have make something wrong, he briefly apologize. But, I know that his mistake is always followed by a punishmemt. Not by me of course, but by his mother who used to discipline him even when he studied at the university. She's a widow since he was eighteen, and this is the reason why.
He don't told anything about the punishments he got since the beginning of our marriage, but a couple of times, I seen some bruisings on his backside. I didn't told anything about, because I felt that would be disrespectful, but one day at my mother in law, I heard by accident a conversation about a spanking he deserves and will got the following day. Weird may be, and really strange for me. But the HOH is the HOH, and I respect him. I he chooses this .
Best regards.
A problem with my precedent post, it was impossible to delete the last wrong sentence.
This post is very ballenced and of course the HoH is not perfect, if he does make a mistake then in our marriage he apologizes and all is harmonious again. It is very challenging for the husband to consider his accountability to his wife, and I try to listen with the ame patience and understanding that he gives to me, when I have comitted an infraction.
The journery continues, step by step............
Thankyou Clint
His Princess
I don't agree with a grown man still being spanked by his mother that I feel is inappropriate on many levels and am choosing to now disregard that.
Moving on, Clint, I like what you have outlined here. I also face this question when I feel MDK acts out in front of me or does something without regards to the consequence it will have on the family.
I will recommend your blog to him. Really enjoying what I have read so far. Thank you again for putting all of this out there. (I also enjoy your wife's blog! Great to see that there are so many benefiting from this path)
Fondly,
Addy
Good post, Clint! It's all very similar to how Jim and I handle this issue!
Anon June 10 - Couples practice DD differently and your suggestion, if true, that your mother-in-law spanks her grown and married, and also HoH of his own family, son, is definitely "different". I've talked to many, many, many DD couples over the years and I've never heard anything like it. We're all unique in our own ways and that is what makes us interesting!
My opinion:
I don't like domestic discipline. It's my own personal opinion; it is a deep emotional feeling of distaste. This is not to say that domestic discipline relationships are, in fact, primarily wrong. We all have our boundaries in different places. So what triggers an offensive response in some may not strike it in others. I can respect that fact and other people's choices. At the same time, I offer no apology for how strongly I feel about domestic discipline because it's my heart, mind and soul that objects to it.
Domestic discipline situations are when one of the partners is acting in a parental way toward the other. You’ll be told what to do and how to live, because you can't be trusted to make your own decisions. You’ll be taught what's right for your own good. You’ll be spank out of love. You are treating your partner as a child without rights or independence. To me, domestic discipline all strikes a tone of a domineering father. It is parallel of a parent to a child within a sexual relationship that crosses over very important boundaries, in a way that feels fundamentally wrong.
A true partnership needs love, respect, trust and accountability within both parties. Both partner will change, grow and develop in the relationship however if one is forced to remain a “child” then there is no room for growth. Then the partnership will suffer and resentment can undermine the relationship.
In question to the blog:
If you are not held accountable for the same rules then there will be distrust and anger. It’s the “Do as I say not as I do” mentality. If a “parent” uses this style of discipline with the “child”, the “child” will be resentful, anger, hurt and distrustful the “parent”.
I’ve read through several posts and other blogs and although there are rules, the “parent” can just spank for looks, tone of voice, being questioned, not agreeing, etc. These are very minor infractions that occur – even with real children. Do you spank your child for every minor offense? If so then your children are being severely punished for no real reason along with your adult “child”. Although I don’t agree with the lifestyle; the punishment, must met the offense.
Clint,
This post was very well written and balanced. I am very thankful to be able to say my husband is very quick to take responsibility for his actions and short comings. It is hard to be in a leadership role and the mark of a good one is owning what is yours and making ammends. There by, showing by example what is acceptable.
That being said, I would like to address an above comment. Firstly, Seriously, let me say thank you so much for expressing your opinion in such a respectful manner. Often times, when people don't agree with or understand the choices we make, they make rude and hateful comments that definitely do not leave room for discussion or mutual respect.
My husband and I practice this lifestyle. I don't feel like I am being treated as a child because I chose this lifestyle. I agreed to, not only agreed to it, but brought it to my husband as I saw it as a need for me and a way to improve our marriage. Before there was constant strife and fighting because a decision could never be made and agreed upon. Now, we discuss, discuss, talk and communicate. There is great comfort in knowing that at the end of the day, I have accepted and embraced that if we can NOT agree, then as my husband and the head of the house, he is the tie breaker.
Again, I appreciate your respectful attitude, and find hope that others can respect our choice of lifestyle as we accept differences from ours.
Dana
@Seriously - I think you were very respectful in stating your opinion of a subject you feel very strongly about so of course, you don't owe any apology.
With that being said, my definition of a true DD marriage is one where the husband and wife (NOT Master/Slave, Dominant/Submissive, "Daddy"/"Daughter", BDSM, or any flavor in between that labels itself DD) choose to live in a traditional marriage. The rules are set by agreement of both parties and refined as the relationship and parties grow. None of the relationships I have personally witnessed ever involved anything remotely resembling parent/child – The wives are strong, independent, talented women who do not have to ask for permission to go shopping, ask their husbands what they may wear, etc.
Would you make plans to go out with friends without checking with your husband to see if he is in agreement? Would you wear clothing that makes your husband uncomfortable? If you were pushing yourself health-wise and your husband said “please go to bed and get some rest”? DD or non-DD, that is simply love and respect.
When there are decisions to be made, the couple discuss (both respectfully) the issue. If they disagree, the husband listens to and takes the wife’s opinion into account, but in the end, if they cannot agree; he makes the final decision which she accepts. Discipline, in whatever form, is a small part (a tool if you will) of the DD relationship used to help resolve issues in a timely manner. It is difficult for the husband and done out of love. If an HoH feels he must spank his wife, it is usually to tears, which is difficult emotionally for him. I don’t know of any true HoH who enjoys seeing his wife in pain – especially when he caused it. Please read some of Clint’s posts on this blog for further information regarding spanking.
Have you ever seen a couple who were angry with one another and either sniped at or totally ignored each other all evening or even for days on end? Have you ever sat at a dinner table with your parents where your mother says “Cat, tell your father to pass the pepper”, Cat, tell your mother to pass the gravy, Cat, tell your father…, Cat, tell your mother…”. Talk about harmful to a child! DD resolves that quickly. .
Touching on children for just a moment, children do not work with their parents to set their rules/consequences; those are set jointly by both parents. Most DD couples I know do not spank their children, as they have other consequences that they use but if they do spank for a major infraction, it is usually more like swats over the clothing.
Most HoH's will hold themselves to a higher standard as they feel they cannot hold their wife accountable for something if they do not follow the same rule. Consequences may be different, but there are consequences, even if it's just guilt. Without the steps (or similar) that Clint outlined above, the relationship will be truly damaged - possibly irretrievably. Husband’s are human and they will make mistakes, how they handle those mistakes is the true test.
DD is so much more about love, respect, trust, honesty, accountability, and communication by both parties. The closeness and growth of each individual and the relationship is amazing.
Thank you again @Seriously for the sincere, respectful opinion.
@Clint - Apologies for the "hijack".
@ Anonymous 5:00am and 5:02am---- That was not the only problem with your previous post.
Anyway great blog entry like always Clint. Keep up the tremendous work. I don't know where my marriage would be without your blog.
“Once the sincere apology is made, the husband must then must make amends in some fashion.”
Ah, I can’t say why exactly, but this made sense to me more than any other explanation I’ve come across.
Honestly, I think the “make amends” part is easily forgotten when people talk about DD, but it certainly helps to explain the dynamic better.
Thanks for this excellent piece!
Hi I tried to post something on monday 11th evening and nothing has come up is there something wrong with the technical side of things, as I noticed there has been nothing from anyone here since that Just a quick comment please can you advvise
@His lily - Great scripture, and I thank you for sharing it. It's something for all Christians to consider when thinking over/considering this lifestyle. All the best.
@SpankedWifeUK - I'm glad you enjoyed the post! We all forgive and forget in our own ways, and as long as things continue on down the happy path, all is good in the world. :) Thank you for sharing your experience. All the best.
@Kay - Yeah, I'm not too keen on the Spencer Spanking Plan. Shocking, I know. :)
I'm glad you liked the post. I appreciate your comment!
@Anonymous (June 10th 12:47 AM) - You're most welcome! Glad you enjoyed the post.
@Anonymous (June 10th 5:00 AM) - I find your comment a bit disturbing, quite honestly. It's the first I've ever heard of something like that. I don't understand how a man could be the HoH of his own marriage if his mother is, essentially, his HoH. It's bizarre to say the least. To each their own. All the best to you.
@His Princess - As we all know, patience and understanding from both spouses are key to a successful DD dynamic in a marriage. No question about it. I appreciate your comment and I certainly wish you nothing but the best.
@Bratty Adaline - Thank you so much, Addy! I'm so glad to hear you enjoy our blogs. We certainly appreciate you being a loyal reader. Hopefully your significant other becomes one as well! :) Warmest regards to you and your family.
@Christina - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope you and Jim are doing well.
-- Clint
@Seriously - I too, am thankful for your respectful comment. I don't mind those expressing their disagreement with the lifestyle so long as they do so respectfully, which is why your comment was published. Thank you very very much for that.
Honestly, I don't have anything to add that Cat didn't already say. Cat's comment to you is outstanding, and she's absolutely spot on. Dana gave you a terrific response as well. The Domestic Discipline lifestyle certainly isn't for everyone, but for those of us in the lifestyle, the pros from practicing far outweigh the cons.
I wish you nothing but the best, seriously. Good luck to you in whatever marriage dynamic you choose to live.
@Dana - I'm glad you enjoyed the post! Thank you so much for your kind words.
I also appreciate your respectful response to the previous commenter. You expressed yourself well, and I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. All the best to you.
@Cat - Your comment is outstanding. I genuinely mean that. Definitely one of my favorite comments on the entire website. You expressed your thoughts clearly, respectfully, and maturely and I cannot thank you enough for that. If you contribute comments like that, hijack all you want. :)
Thanks again, Cat. Very well said. All the best to you and yours.
@Taylor - That's very kind of you to say, and it means a lot to me. I'm so happy to hear your marriage is in a better place. :)
All the best to you, Taylor.
@Basia Rose - I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for your comment. All the best to you and yours.
@Anonymous (June 14th 8:06 AM) - I don't believe there was a technical glitch. Not one I'm aware of, at least. I've responded to dozens of comments today, so I imagine you now have a response to whatever comment you're referring to. Thank you for your patience. All the best to you.
-- Clint
Cat is spot on! That is exactly how I feel about my relationship with my fiance.
Carol
I appreciate your kind words. However, I just can’t understand or believe this is the correct way of life. And although I can understand every relationship is different and has different needs. I can’t understand several messages stating that before DD their relationship was such chaos and now with DD you have such clarity with respectful roles, communication, discussions. Everyone knows that in a relationship you need to love, honor, and respect for your partner. Why the need for DD? Why can’t you have that relationship without DD? It does exist. In every household: roles, responsibilities, communication expectations, even rules are part of the partnership. However, there is no need to have a subservient person. Everyone was born equal with the same equal rights. Everyone deserves the same treatment, love, respect, and honor; and should treat others with the same love, respect, and honor.
Everyone has bad days, disagrees, and says something they shouldn’t. Sometimes you just need to vent to someone that loves you and won’t judge you for having a bad day. No one can control their emotions, thoughts, and actions 24/7. We are not perfect, we are not God, and we have flaws and are wrong (often). Why should one partner be punished for a bad moment? You know when you have done/said something that is hurtful. It’s up to you to make amends.
If one partner is subservient then they will not discuss issues because they fear punishment because they are not allowed to make corrections/suggestions/modifications to the dominant. This has the potential for serious neglect and abuse of the subservient. It’s been stated several times that the partners are to make the rules and there can be discussions, but the dominant has the absolute power. Where there is absolute power there is the can be absolute corruption. And that leaves the subservient powerless and in the complete control of the dominant.
As children were have more rules to follow and learn. As young adults we use what we were taught as children and begin are independent lives. As adults in a partnership we blend our rules and beliefs, but we remain equals. All adults should be treated with the same understanding and respected.
A man should treat his partner the same way he wants another man to treat his daughter. If most DD relationship don’t believe in spanking children, then how can you justify spanking an adult? Children respond to kind and loving correction much more than physical punishment. So do adults! There seems to be a huge gap in the logic of DD.
And why don’t you share your beliefs with the rest of your household? If this is the lifestyle that you live, why not explain to your children, friends, and family? Why not explain to your daughters that this is the life you expect from her live with her partner? Why not explain to your sons that this how you expect him to treat his partner? Why not explain to everyone this is how you treat your partner? I’m sure some already spectacle.
I’m glad that for some this lifestyle seems to work however I see so much potential for neglect, abuse, mistreatment, inattention, and disregard. I realize that many of the subservient partners are writing to stated that this is the lifestyle they want, however I truly wonder how much is their own feelings or how much is conditioning from years of living this lifestyle.
@Seriously – Welcome back.
First, let me say that DD is not for everyone and I have seen relationships that are great without it.
I have to disagree with your point “If one partner is subservient then they will not discuss issues because they fear punishment...” None of the wives I know or the ones whose blogs I follow fear their husbands. If the wife wants to discuss an issue or make corrections/suggestions/modifications, she can do so without fear of reprisal. That is what the communication fosters-both parties just do it respectfully. Actually, you pushed my personal buttons “fear”, “subservient” and “dominant”. I can only think of one time in my life when I was fearful or subservient and it was not within DD and dominant is a word I only associate with BSDM or D/s. I do have a mouth on me and am not afraid to use it – my fiancé and I had several lively discussions and I was never afraid to express my opinion.
The decision to share our beliefs is a personal one just as with most non-DD couples, whether it be budgeting, communication, sex life, etc. Some do share it with family and/or friends with mixed results. My fiancé’s family (grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and siblings (6 out of 7) were all involved in DD but they called it Traditional Marriage(BTW discipline was private). Many do not share their beliefs due to the fact that not only is DD misunderstood, but so many other lifestyles masquerade as DD (and yes, unfortunately, that does include some abusers). Since many of the domestic violence laws have changed, a woman no longer has to press charges in order for a man to be charged. While this is a very good thing for those who are truly abused, it leaves those who practice DD open to prosecution and harassment. I know of one man who lost his job because his employer found out that he and his wife were in a DD relationship. The employer was a big supporter of a local women’s shelter and stated that they could not have someone of his “ilk” employed by them. That gentle man would have cut off his own arm before abusing a woman! I think it’s the word discipline. There has been a discussion on another blog and Stormy wrote a beautiful post and renamed DD to DH – Domestic Harmony. You can find it here: http://stormy-shelterinthestorm.blogspot.com/2012/06/lets-call-it-domestic-harmony.html
I agree with you “Where there is absolute power there can be absolute corruption” but I disagree that “the dominant (husband) has the absolute power.” A true DD relationship is less likely to be abusive because the wife actually has the power in the relationship. If he abuses her in any way (verbally, physically, consistency, etc), she can withdraw her consent to continue DD. Depending on the reason consent was withdrawn, she might insist they go for counseling prior to reinstating DD or in extreme cases even separate for a while. As a survivor of domestic abuse, I can assure you I never consented to what was inflicted on me so there was never consent to withdraw nor would I have been listened to if I tried. If DD was abuse in any way, shape, or form, you would find me running as far and fast as I could.
If you were to take a poll, I think you would find it interesting that a good percentage (no I do not know the numbers) of the wives have approached their husbands about integrating DD into their relationship. As I stated earlier DD is not for everyone, there will be those that cringe to even think about it and those that try it and decide against it. And of course, there will be those of us who embrace it and would not live any other way.
I have one request, if you continue to research DD, please make sure that the websites, blogs, user groups you visit are truly DD and not BDSM, ALDD, D/s, or any of the other’s masquerading as DD.
Thank you again @Seriously for the sincere, respectful opinion.
@Clint – oops I did it again.
@Seriously- I enjoy reading your comments. Thanks for taking the time to post. Hearing opposing views always leads to interesting discussions and makes people think things thru.
I have to disagree with your comment that the subservient partner would be afraid to discuss things because they fear punishment. I can only speak for myself, but I have no fear whatsoever in discussing anything with my husband. I have my own ideas and opinions and don't hesitate to let them be heard. I am free to disagree with my husband anytime. He has no desire to be married to a "Stepford Wife" :) However, I AM expected to express myself respectfully. Which means no name calling, eye rolling, stomping around slamming doors and such. I don't see anything wrong with that and I don't mind being held accountable for my actions. I have no FEAR of my husband, I do RESPECT him. I agree that he is the head of this household and the head of me. I willingly submit or yield to him if you prefer. I in no way feel abused or neglected. We are closer than ever, I feel so cared for and cherished even.
I did spank my son when he was young. Never bare bottomed or over the knee, but swats.
@Cat- I agree with everything you said, maybe you should write a guest blog :)
I agree with everything that is contained in this article, but I would like to highlight something that is not discussed - the wife's proper role when the husband does something wrong.
In my view, the wife needs to offer loving and honest criticism of the husband when he does something wrong. I believe that this is especially true in a DD relationship where the wife has agreed to be corrected verbally and physically when she does something wrong. Personally, I feel that if my wife she can take that, then I need to be man enough to listen to my wife verbally rebuke me when I have done something wrong (including telling me honesty how my actions make her feel).
And let me say that it can be quite painful to listen to at times. Ironically in some ways I find that being an HOH makes you more emotionally vulnerable to this pain. In many situations, a person who hears criticism tries to shift the blame to the critic. In this way he blocks some of the force of the criticism. For example, a wife that curses her husbands during arguments is actually making it easier for her husband to evade the emotional force of her criticisms. The wife that is completely respectful and in control while she offers a rebuke to her husband gives him no emotional wiggle room to shift the focus away from what he has done and how it has affected others. I do not think I speak only for myself when I say that I hate to hear this type of criticism of my wrongful actions. Yet, it helps me be a better man in the long run.
On the other, I must also say that knowing that my wife respects me enough to have me act as HOH has helped me avoid seeing every criticism as a sign that my wife really does not respect me.
@Carol - I agree. She did a great job.
@Seriously - You make a lot of strong points in your comment and there are many marriages that don't need DD a part of it. I don't think anyone questions that. A lot of the same elements exist in a pro-DD marriage and a non-DD marriage. Not everyone needs or wants DD, but it can enhance a lot of aspects in a marriage if a couple chooses to try it.
Speaking personally for a moment, my wife and I had a great relationship prior to making DD a part of it. On a scale of 1-10, I would say it was an 8 pre-DD. Which, in my opinion, is/was pretty darn good. We heard about DD, we were against it at first (in a lot of ways you are, actually), but to make a long story short, we felt it wouldn't hurt to TRY it and see if it WAS as beneficial as everyone was making it out to be. We were skeptical to be sure, but once we gave it a try, we instantly felt closer on a lot of different levels. Over time, we went from an 8 out of 10 marriage, to currently what I would say is a 9.5 out of 10 marriage, thanks to DD. The only reason it isn't a 10 is because we aren't perfect.
I'm not trying to change your mind. If you're against DD, I completely respect that. It doesn't make a difference to me personally if you change your stance on DD or not. You respectfully expressed your opinion, you make a lot of solid points, and it sounds like DD isn't for you. What I will say, however, is that your comments reflect (very eerily similar, I might add) how my wife and I felt when we first heard of DD. We hated the very thought of such a thing. Long story short, we opened our minds to it and decided to give it a shot, and we're so thankful that we did. Obviously we both did a complete 180 degree opinion change on it, and now are two of the biggest supporters of the lifestyle you'll find.
A lot of people choose to hide this aspect of their marriage from others, but my wife and I don't. Our families know. Most of our friends know. Heck, even my boss knows. And I wouldn't have a problem at all discussing this lifestyle with our children when the time comes for that. You're asking "why not explain" to all those close to a couple, and for my wife and I, we do that. So we're in agreement there. We're very open that we practice DD, and the responses we've gotten from those close to us is probably a lot more positive than you think. Now a lot of them are practicing DD. I wish more people were open about it, but that's their choice to make.
Anyway, I'm rambling again but I thank you for your respectful comments. They've sparked a great discussion, and for that I'm appreciative. I wish you nothing but the best in whatever marriage dynamic you choose to live. All the best.
@Cat - It's quite alright. I appreciate you offering your thoughts. Please continue to do so.
@Cowgirl Up - Thank you for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time to contribute to the discussion.
All the best.
-- Clint
@James R - You've given a very thought provoking comment, and I agree with what you have said within it, particularly when you said, "A wife that curses her husbands during arguments is actually making it easier for her husband to evade the emotional force of her criticisms. The wife that is completely respectful and in control while she offers a rebuke to her husband gives him no emotional wiggle room to shift the focus away from what he has done and how it has affected others."
I think it's important for all individuals in a DD relationship, men and women alike, to think a little deeper about that statement. Criticism is always hard to hear, but if a conversation that contains criticism is carried out respectfully, a lot more will get accomplished and the deflection of the fault won't be as likely to occur.
Thank you so much for your input, James. It was a very well written comment and one that gives people an opportunity to think a little deeper about things. I certainly appreciate it.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
Clint -
I have got to say that more than any other post on this site, this one has helped the most. I have read it at least a dozen times and re-read the comments and it continues to help.
I think sometimes for people who are new to the DD lifestyle, it can be a bit hard to wrap your brain around the equality of it all. I find it difficult for me to come to terms with what happens when the husband is less than perfect. I am a rational enough person to know he isn't perfect, and more than any time in this lifestyle needs me to be gracious and understanding when he falters but sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind and my emotions in check when he makes a mistake. I think knowing that it is possible I could get a spanking for something that he just did makes my emotions run a bit wild and all the rational thinking I have just goes out the window. Reading this though, and the comments really helps.
James, your comment was paramount to my epiphany in all this. I do know that attitude and disrespectful behavior have no helpful place in an argument. However, really understanding what you wrote about how not only is it not helpful but it can have a negative impact on what you are communicating, really drove the point home with me.
Of course I will be emotional when my husband makes a mistake, especially if it is something I have been punished for. However, more than anything else, more than feeling like things are even, or that amends has been made, I want to be able to communicate with him how much it hurt and really have him hear me.
One thing that I do to avoid making irrational comments I haven't quite thought out is waiting a whole minute after hearing something before I say anything. It really helps, and it will help to spend that minute remembering all the things I have learned from this post. DD is a choice, being submissive is a choice and I hope in that minute I choose to remember that.
@Ash - I love your comment, Ash. Knowing this post has helped at least one person out there is very satisfying. I'm happy you enjoy(ed) it, and I'm even happier that it has helped your marriage in some fashion. That's absolutely wonderful.
I know it's hard for a lot of people to understand how the whole DD dynamic works. Husbands DO hold themselves to a higher standard when living a DD lifestyle with the one they love. Their behavior will improve just as much as the wife's will, that is, if the DD dynamic is operating correcting in their marriage.
I think your point about waiting a minute before making a disrespectful remark is excellent. It gives you time to think, basically. Often times that's precisely why the disrespectful comment slips out - the wife wasn't thinking things through.
Anyway, I appreciate your comment, Ash. It was very nice. Thank you so much. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.
-- Clint
While I beleieve this post to be well written, and I'm glad that you are addressing the fact that HOH's are just as likely to make mistakes as their spouse, I have a a question. I should also state that I participate in a DD relationship, and am not anti-DD.
That being said: If apologizing, acknowledging the mistake, making amends, and attempting to improve are suppose to satisfy his wife, why spank at all? Why not have the wife follow this same set of rules and eliminate corporal punishment, corner time, etc, altogether?
Got a severe spanking unfairly :(
My HOH is taking out for a nice, special weekend together to make up for it.... yeeeeiiiihhhh i can't wait :)
@Anonymous (August 20th 1:49 PM) - Spankings are done for more than just modifying behaviors. The act of spanking itself defines the roles of each spouse in the marriage and solidifies the desired dynamic of the husband being the HoH. It reinforces the concept of the husband being the one "in charge" in the relationship, and the wife being the one yielding to his authority in the home.
Spankings are also an emotional cleansing mechanism for both spouses, particularly the wife. Often the wife desires to be held accountable for her actions in the form of punishments/spankings to put closure to the issue, and to move past the issue emotionally. Things like guilt, sorrow, remorse, etc. are gone after a spanking, and the wife also feels as though she has been forgiven by her husband for her mistake. Both spouses feel a sense of relief that the issue is now in the past after a punishment/spanking, and there is now a "clean slate" going forward. There's no holding things over the others head, no "silent treatment" for hours, no resentment/anger building up, etc. These things are very comforting and relieving to both spouses.
Those things, in addition to behavior modification, are why those in DD relationships choose to carry out punishments/spankings.
All the best to you.
@Anonymous (August 20th 6:47 PM) - Enjoy your special weekend together!
-- Clint
I've gone through the blog and I haven't commented previously because there was nothing seriously I felt strongly on but this. Clint you just said a husband can whatever he pleases and that ICE CREAM will make up for it. Sorry but anyone with self respect whether they're in DD relationship or not will never allow that to happen. If my hubby did that he'd be homeless and I'd use the internet to tell all his friends, co-workers and boss exactly what he did. Ice cream, couple of dollars, a movie does not make up for self respect. You raise your girls to have them not to let some lame man walk all over her. Those who teach their daughters to let a man walk all over them will get theirs when they die because that's disrespectful to everyone. Sorry but you need to tell someone you're having delusions.
Clint,
I know you are focusing more on your family right now, but should you come back to the blog, would love to hear a response. I wish the best for you and yours and your wife a speedy recovery.
As the submissive in a DD relationship, I can appreciate all of the things you listed as being reasons to spank (emotional cleansing, respect, relief, end of argument). That being the case, wouldn't the same benefit a man? Shouldn't he also be able to be "relieved of emotional stress" etc? We are in the process of trying to decide if DD is right for us, and this is one of the questions we are both struggling with. We tell our children that violence does not solve problems, and yet we are using physical punihsment...and, as a previous comment stated, in a way that would effectively leave me a "child" forever, when I am an equal party to the relationship.
Thus far, we have created rules that apply to both of us, and although only I am spanked, if he breaks a rule, or does something dangerous, I determine the amends. That works for us, but I can see how it could cause problems if you didn't discuss issues like resentment etc.
To Anonymous Septemeber 5th: I don't want anyone to walk on my daughter either, and I don't agree with everything I read on this blog. But why waste our time spouting hatred for it when you are free to leave at any time? This is a CONSENSUAL lifestyle.
@Sept 5th - I would respectfully suggest you re-read the post - Clint is not saying that the HoH can do whatever he pleases, and an ice cream will fix the situation. That's an oversimplistic interpretation and you've misunderstood.
I've been struggling with this issue alot recently. My husband got really off-track in this past two years and caused alot of harm to himself and our family. We nearly divorced, he was arrested. In the end we decided to stay together and make it work. But I struggle with constant anger and hurt over his actions.
I want to respect him, but it is very difficult to respect a man who denied you affection. Who left you sexually starved while he used porn as his outlet. Who had an affair with a female co-worker. Who lied about his income and spent the excess money on porn, drugs, and toys for himself. Meanwhile I was walking around with holes in my clothes, exercising constantly to stay in shape for him, skipping lunches to afford buying lingerie to try and seduce my husband who wouldn't even care.
Things are changed now. Since his arrest, 6 months ago, he's been in therapy. He's given up the drugs and the porn. He's made every effort to make me feel loved and appreciated. Our sex life is the best its ever been and we're finally talking openly and honestly.
But even though he has been the model husband these last 6 months, I just can't let go of the hurt from the last 2 years.
Surely we can't be the only DD marriage that has suffered some major broken rules on the husband's part. How do other wives get past the anger and the hurt? How can I learn to respect and be humble to him, after everything he did?
@Nicole 21.Sep 9:39am - Wow Nicole, you have been through a lot. I have actually been in a similar situation (without the law involved and a lot more infidelity) and was unable to get past it. In part, because he refused to admit there was a problem. We are divorced but I finally let go of the hurt and anger when I took a long look at what those emotions were doing to me. Selfish I know. How could I grow as a person when I had so much negative emotion inside me? We are now friends but nothing else and never will be. I think it was easier for me to at least reach that point than it has been for you because I was not living with him anymore or trying to make the marriage work. There have been other comments on this blog and others about getting past the anger and hurt and most of those solutions involved prayer and marriage counseling. Since your husband is in therapy, is there a possibility that you could do some type of couples counseling in conjunction with that? I wish I had wiser words for you. Hopefully, someone who has actually been able to make the marriage work after a similar betrayal will read your comment and post something more helpful.
Praying that you're able to let go of the negative and move forward in building a stronger and enduring relationship.
Cat
Cat-
We were in marriage counseling however it is difficult to find a therapist who respects a couple's right to practice a DD lifestyle so we often found ourselves lying to protect ourselves in counseling sessions. It was stressful and counter productive at best.
My husband's career had us all living overseas these past few years when most of his negative behaviors took place. I felt that my anger was infringing on my ability to be a good mother so he agreed to let me move back stateside and take some time to focus on the kids and on my schooling before he rejoins the family in a few months time. He picked a lovely place for us to live and calls us on Skype daily. When he moves here, we will resume marriage counseling (hopefully with a more open-minded therapist).
Since I separated from him, my anger has not changed. I am only angry less often because I think about it less now than I did when I lived with him. But when I do think about it...I'm just as angry as I've always been.
We won't divorce, we don't believe in divorce.
But for that same token, I don't want to spend the next few decades being miserable because of the actions that took place over these last few years.
The thing about the affair and the denial of affection and neglecting of my sexual needs which hurts the worst is....I made a point of being available to him as a friend, a lover- anything he needed. And I also made a point of telling him how much I appreciated him. I know alot of men use other outlets because their wives don't make them feel appreciated, or aren't available to fill whatever their needs might be but that was not the case for our marriage. My husband has told me time and time again that he caused this- he had a problem long before he met me.
Thats not to say I'm perfect. The less time an attention he spent on me the more I nagged him. It became a vicious cycle. A cycle we have only recently managed to break.
Thank you for your time and thought in responding, Cat. I've read this site for some time and I've always looked forward to your input in the comments.
i have to disagree with your views of d spencer plan.i would like to pioint it out to you that if it is b/w two consenting adults who alow themselves to be held accoutable by the other then there is NEVER going to be punishment. i dont see how you might hav missed that it is the same with DD it is good untill it is in limit and the moment there is any feeling like resentment it turns into hell. what would you say if the husband punshed the wife she didnt think was wrong bt he felt was??? talk ryt??or resent??..see it is almost the same comunication is the key. more over when it comes to ADULTS punishment is required in most cases just to put the gi=uilt behind.
hope i did not cross my line and apologise if my comment hurt anyones sentiments
@ Nicole 25.Sept 8:13p
I apologize for not responding sooner, I don’t check Clint’s blog every day. You are going through such a tough time and I really wish I had some wise words for you.
I would suggest you go ahead a find a counselor for you and try to work through your anger, hurt and feelings of rejection. All the counselor has to know is that your husband lied and cheated, that you believe in a traditional marriage, and divorce is not an option. DD does not have to be brought into the equation in order to help you work through your feelings. Working through those feelings will also help you heal the self-confidence and self-respect I suspect have been damaged.
When he returns, I would definitely suggest that DD remain off the table until you have worked through all the negative emotions and are in a better place. My fear is that with all that anger bottled up, it will be almost impossible for you to reconnect and submit to him.
None of us are perfect human beings, parents, spouses, friends, etc. We all try our best but when we are hurt, it is easy to withdraw and get into a vicious cycle (hurtful words, inattention, nagging, etc). You are both to be congratulated on breaking your particular cycle.
If there is anything I can help with, please post your comment and I will try to check Clint’s blog more often.
Praying that you are able to find your way and sending you lots of virtual *hugs*.
Cat
@Anon 28.Sept 12:36am - You did not cross any lines and I apologize if I offended you with my comment. The only thing I know about the Spencer Plan is what I found on the following website when I was researching something else and it definitely defines punishment for both parties.
http://www.epedominion.com/Library/spencer_spanking_plan.htm
Respectfully,
Cat
m d same anonymous sept 28 12:36 am
had to make an amendment
"......then there is NEVER going to be punishment... .." its nt punishment its resentment.... n d 'gi=uilt' as you all would have guessed is 'guilt'
sorry my phone didnt let me preview.
Welcome back Clint!!! Happy to hear your wife is better.
My husband and i are thinking about implementing DD in our marriage, he introduced it. So I am doing my research. Thanks for a very informative blog. My question is more for the wifes. How do you deal with your anger or displeasure with your husband? Yesterday i was mad, i asked for some stuff to be fix around the house since last week and they haven't been done, usually i will just ask again and walk away and distance myself until i can deal with my temper and i can talk to him in a respectful adult way and explain my displeasure. Is this how you deal with it or is there a better way?
I am still concern with loosing complete control and in the way loose a part of myself (not been able to go out without him knowing my every step, terrifies me...). I have spoken to him about it and he explain he will never do that to me, that he loved all of me. I guess i am just apprehensive.
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