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Friday, May 18, 2012

FAQs - "Changing Dynamic" Edition


Image courtesy of internetcafedevotions.com.

  We once again address a number of common questions couples have about the domestic discipline lifestyle.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.

41 comments:

Sheila said...

I am really struggling with working on implementing DD in our relationship. We face many challenges - I am 20 years older than my husband, earn 2-3x what he does, and have always been the responsible person who makes all the decisions, keeps up with the daily responsibilities, manages everything, etc.

He is much more passive by nature and by upbringing, does not express an opinion much, and is much more interested in just 'getting along'.

I need him to take charge, to be not just an equal partner but truly the man of the house. But I have to fight both of us when we try to implement anything, because he backs off at the first sign of resistance from me. It's very hard for me to let go of control, and I do get moody, frustrated, and resentful when it seems to me as though he's picking the 'fun' parts of DD (he gets his own way! sex on demand!) and skips the parts that are work for the HoH: taking responsibility for the overall running of the household, making decisions, and yes, standing up to me and taking control of me. So I give up and things go on the way they are, and I hate it.

I read in another post that you sometimes recommend boot camp in cases where a major shift in the relationship dynamic is needed; I'm thinking of ordering the ebook to see if it's something we can modify to work for us. I'm really desperate; I love my husband, he's a good, kind, loving man, but I need him to be the man of the house.

Blondie said...

Clint, I really like your post. You are right on the target and gave some great advice to some really commonly asked questions.

His First Mate said...

" We are all adults, but don't say i didn't warn you!" This was a great post, but i have to say that was my favorite part! It was so you. And for the record, I did not google image it. Oh Lordy, I can only imagine!

Anonymous said...

I completely agree about not changing any rules or letting things slide during the woman's menstrual cycle. One thing I'd add, though, is to keep in mind that a lot of women are more physically sensitive during their period, too, meaning that the same spanking given during her cycle could feel a lot harsher to her. I've heard this from a lot of wives, and it seems fairly common. Like everything, it's different for every woman, but just something to consider while spanking during her cycle.

Want to be a good hoh said...

I have a question I hope you can help me with - I'm unsure of how hard to spank is hard enough. With minor offences, its easier to determine but if the offence is more serious and needs a harder spanking - when is the spanking enough? If I stop too soon, she's not repentent enough, but if I were to go too long, I fear she'll feel broken. Do you have any tips?

really interested in dd said...

hello clint i have read this post and lots of others and so much of what you say makes sooo much sense to me I have noticed recently that i am really unhappy with my own behaviour and the way i treat a really loving and wonderful supportive husband and son. It is mainly the emotional outbursts of anger and emotion that bother me i know once i calm down that they are wrong. My husbandand I have tentavively played with spanking more as a bit of play during intimacy and then sometimes if i had been what we would have called bitcy when we were next intimate he would have given me a few light spanks he was never really that comfortable with anything more and in the past i have indicated to him that i often felt i really needed to be 'punished' but if there was the slightest indication that if was anything more than play he would back off. It has only been recently that these outburst have happened and i stumbled on your posts recently - i just keep going though wondering how to approach the subject with my husband and its odd but since i have found your site i actually feel more like i want this type of lifestyle and sometimes my behaviour actually modifies for a wee while but then becuase its like it wears off and not that i am deliberately bad but the behaviour slips and i can sense it i feel quite jealsous of those who are in this realtionship i would love this sort of direction. I also wonder whats the chistian connection cause i do have a faith albeit a bit latent at the moment can you direct me to scripture back up it would not worry me that much if you cant cause i am still interested anyway. I know it is a bit muddeled but really would love some answeres please please help if you can

Anonymous said...

Clint, I know your not in this stage but what about perimenopause (sp)? A woman's emotional range can go from 0 to 60 in seconds flat. It is not all intentional misbehavior but more like a volcano bubbling and rumbling and then BANG! something comes out that is disrespectful or ugly and we all know once words get out you can't bring them back. Do you feel there should be some allowance for the hormonal "craziness". I will admit that the remorse is sincere but it may take a little while for the remorse to surface.

really interested in dd said...

hi anon re the the perimenopause that me are you a mind reader or what?? or are you just someone/or partner of someone who is going through the same as me?? what a good description volcano rumbling brilliantly clever!!!! it is comforting to know i am not the only one!!
This is also a question that i would like the answer too as well even though i am not in a dd relationship as such.

What would happen if i was?

Cat said...

Due to the mental pictures “submissive brings to mind, (and I do not even want to google that!) I think the term yielding works better than submissive.

Definition of Yielding
“Stop resisting - stop opposing or resisting and agree to somebody's demands or requests” – hmmm yea – less painful choice.
“Pass something on to somebody - to give something up to somebody else or allow somebody else to take over” - most definitely
“Not be firm or solid = move or bend under pressure or when force is applied” – bend yup – move – wouldn’t suggest it when force is applied. :)

Cat said...

Hey - Anon May 21, 2012 8:42 AM
As someone who has experienced "volcano bubbling and rumbling and then BANG" (gotta love that expression) during hormonal times, my personal opinion is that the cause doesn't really make any difference. We can't always control our emotions but we can control how we we express that behavior even when hormones sometimes try to get the best of us. If I get out of control (yelling, disrespect, or my personal devil - sarcasm),I definitely need a reset.

Anonymous said...

hi clint lots going on about this what do you think about the hormones - perimenopause stuff should allowances be made?
Not sure what cat means by a reset maybe she can clarify

Anonymous said...

Really Interested in DD - yep! I am smack in the middle and man it can be hard to keep a lid on my mouth.

Cat - I have to agree to this point a reset is the only way it has been handled at our house. I guess I'm looking for support to say "see I can't help it - may I have a get out of otk card, please". LOl Honestly, sometimes I don't want to keep quiet. I think it is my way to ask without asking for my dh to "reassure" me that he will protect me from myself, the world, etc.

Anonymous said...

Anon, I'm not Cat but a reset at our house is the same as saying attitude adjustment. More than a maintenance but not a punishment. You are aware your "crossing a line" and he is aware so a meeting of the minds keeps it from growing.

Cat said...

Hi Anon May 22, 2012 8:38 AM - Have you ever had a printer that just started printing strange characters, not feeding paper, making weird noises, etc. - the longer it goes the worse it gets but then you can hit the reset button on the printer and suddenly it is printing correctly? That is what I mean by "reset". When I was still with my HoH, we called it an emotional readjustment.

Anon May 22, 2012 3:45 PM - the "OTK Free" card is a wonderful idea - think every HoH ought to give 1 as a Christmas present. :)

Sheila said...

I have another question, and this is truly from the perspective of understanding the DD dynamic and lifestyle...not trying to be disrespectful at all. As I think about what I'd like...rules, accountability, consequences...it occurs to me that this is exactly what we try to teach our children. And we want to teach them this so that they can manage their own lives and behavior when they are adults. So by asking my HoH to give me rules and very specific consequences, aren't I regressing us toward a parent/child relationship? Isn't this a way of pushing my adult responsibility to manage myself off on my HoH? Certainly many spouses in non-DD relationships hold each other accountable; if one spouse were trying to lose weight, the other might talk to them if there were a lot of McDonald's bags in the car. But adding the punishment aspect seems to be more of 'you modify my behavior for me with punishment so I don't have to put in the work of changing it'.

I'd love to hear some thoughts of those in successfuly DD relationships on this topic.

Anonymous said...

hi shelia i not in a dd relationship but i asked a counsellor about dd and this was what i got thrown at me that it was like going back to childhood and thst it just was a way a failing to take responsibility for my own actions I now where you are coming from shelia i would love some guidance from someone who has experience and sucess in a dd realtionship as i did not think it was that at all no child would ask for punishment or discipline after all and as i say i am not experienced but i think it must take real gut to sign up for this sort of thing and probably maturity and children don't have the maturity to know they need correctin direction and leadership etc however thats just my view so maybe someone with more experience and expertise can enlighten us both and sorry if there is a post about this somewhere that i have missed but i am new to this site.

Anonymous said...

Sheila. I just started DD 2 months ago. We have been married 9 years and I finally found what works for us before DD I would take my ADD when I wanted and everything would go town hill from there knowing your bottom will be spanked. Is a great reminder and the feeling of closeness is increadible. So much has changed for the better its amazing.

Anonymous said...

Sheila, I am also a newbie to DD. I have found that it makes me more responsible for my actions as I know I will be held accountable. Before DD, I pretty much said and did anything I wanted no matter how rude or disrespectful or even dangerous. I would offer a lame apology afterwards, if that. It usually took several days or even weeks for things to feel close between my husband and myself again. To get over it, so to speak. Now, if I act that way, I feel I "earn " forgiveness because of the spanking. It clears the air between us right away and we feel closer immediately. The slate is truly wiped clean for both of us. Also, it has changed my behavior. There have been more than a few times I was on the verge of saying something or acting a certain way and I stopped because I remember how I will "pay" for it later. Also, the closer my HOH and I get, the less I want to disappoint him. These are just my experiences, don't know if it would be the same for you or anyone else.

Livi said...

Hey! I've been involved with this site, but I finally becaume a member of the blog world! If you could check out my blog, it would be appreciated. Its just my first post today, and its pretty boring, but I hope you have time to check it out. And I am open to any tips and suggestions, as well as questions. Its called Always & Forever, and you can click the link right here http://alwaysforeverdd.blogspot.com

And to clint-I love your site, keep up the good posts, as well as Chelsea! I do have you both mentioned in my blog, btw. Thanks to both of you for all the wonderful posts! They are very helpful!

Livi

Anonymous said...

I replied to your post because i don't no how to comment on the original post.I am 29 my husband is 42. Married 3 years together for 7. I am a mother of three children. I have been reading a lot about DD relationships. And I want so bad to try it. Really i think i just want the spanking of my life more so to cleans my spirit. If that makes any sense. Our life together has been rough and the last year or so has been better than all the others. I have had to male most devotions for our family. He is a manly man. But not the best man. I brought this subject up and seemed to be willing to give it a try. The story on how i told him i think is really cute but maybe another time. Now after bringing it to his attrition im a little worried. I think i should back off because im not sure he is right for this. I mean im worried he won't make the best decisions for our family. Im sure in not making any sense right now i mean i do understand the whole point of a DD or Taken in hand relationship. I am tired of all the decision making. I am drained exalted and i want to be a better wife and mother. Or should i say the mother i use to be. Not to mention im a complete B***h to him for what may be considered no big deal to others. COMPLICATED at the least. Please help any advice is better than none. Thanks by the way love the post

Anonymous said...

I just relied to the first comment Sheila left.i see now where i am supposed comment. Sorry! I want this type of relationship so bad i think it would help my marriage. But i have so many questions. I have read to much lately i probably already know the answers. I know my husband loves me so much and he wants our marriage to work. I have helped him become the man he US today but i fear my work is not done. I have had to put so much in this relationship. I am sick of being the man of the house. I want to "submissive" wife but im not sure my husband is ready to a true HOH man. If that makes any sense. Like i said in my earlier post he is a strong man a manly man who would want this type if relationship also. But im not sure if he can handle it. I am about to go nuts. I don't know what to do.

another anoymous said...

hi anonoymous i have read the last two posts above you do seem a wee bit confused but i think i understand what is going on. I also want dd my husband is older than me too and he has quite a gentle personality. I have had a lot to do with making decisions as well i do all the financial stuff i sort of dont mind i just see that as my job i am the more numerical sort of person he would want me to do it anyway. My worry is he won't accept dd quite simply because he was one of those people brough up with a strong emphasis on do not hit a woman and thank God for that! I will have to get over the idea with him that it is not abuse and i have found loass of information here and on other sites to explain what dd is. I really want it as well its great to know that someone is going through the same emotions as me sometimes knowing and feeling that what i really need is a really good spanking (thanks for saying that it was brave of you) yet there is a part of me that is scared stiff this is no game if i have learned anything its that really is discipline pure and simple and spanking will not be nice of pleasant in the slightest its really going to hurt and be sore and painful its meant to and if it isnt it dosent its pointless - or have i missed the point?? i desperately want the courage to approach my husband but i made an attempt by writing a letter some weeks ago it was before i even knew dd existed he gave me the letter back without even a comment and nothing had been said since the odd thing what i was aking for and describing was basically dd i just did not know it until i found this site. i nearly fainted when i did find it i know what you mean like you feel like you are going mad - sometimes i feel i think of nothing else and i look for every chance to secretly go on this site and i keep day dreaming about dd. Maybe a spanking would give me a good shake up what dose anyone think i am really scared of my husband not wanting to go with it and that would be so disappointing i am at wits end too. someone please please give me some help

Anonymous said...

In the post above about ADD I meant ADD medication. When I didn't take the medication things would go downhill from there.

James said...

@Shelia and Anon May 24, 11:15 AM

In theory, there is a risk that DD can play out as something like a parent-child interaction, but only if the wife and husband both see her as resembling an immature child. In most cases, it is something very different. Most individuals benefit from being held accountable. But, most individuals hate being held accountable on an emotional level even if they know they benefit from it. A wife in a DD relationship is making the mature decision to welcome accountability. However, both spouses should monitor whether the DD process is helping the wife grow as a person (we do keep maturing and growing after reaching adulthood after all) and modify it if it is not having that type of positive effect.

Anonymous said...

Im also glad to know im not the only one going threw this. I mentioned DD to my husband over a fee drinks he just listed to me. Also like in your situation nothing else said. Well i don't give up that easily. So i kept on reading and reading. Then I decided to buy him a paddle with a drawing of a man spanking his wife otk. I told him i had something for him. I didn't give it to him right away. Then i searched the web and printed out different articles. For instance difference stories ones that applied to our situation and ones that didn't. Papers answering questions like why would my wife want or need this. Anyway then i wrote him a letter. Something like this i hope u don't think im completely nuts. This is very hard for me. Its quite embarrassing for me. I gave him his present and he smiled. He was kind of laughing a little then i gave him my letter. Then i have him the printouts. After we got threw that i said so am i crazy. He looked at me and said u should write a book baby because i bet so many men don't know these things and don't understand the way i now understand. It must have been hard for you and i bet so many women don't express themselves the way you did. They probably just go out and cheat. I don't think that's always true but i understood where he was coming from. He said he had to read more before starting this. I love him for trying to understand me and not making me feel bad about myself. So we will see what happens. Just the other day we started our rule list.

Anonymous said...

Also before we started our list I told him i wanted to send the paddle back i changed my mind that i was to scared and the more i thought about it i realized it may not be the best lifestyle for us. I really just wanted to know how he really felt about it all. Either he would say your right baby i don't think its a good idea or no don't send it back i want to make this change. After all if he didn't want to and was only doing it for me than i did think he would be very good at it and then what's the point. So he said no don't send it back u got my hopes up i want to do this. He has been playfully smacking my butt when I don't do something right away. And i recently lost 16 pounds and have been exerciseing 5 days a week he is happy for me but lately i haven't been consistent and he knows i want to. He asked me are u going workout today and i said yes but ended up not going. When he got home from work he said did u workout i said no. And he said go to the room ill be in there in a min. I was like for what no im not. My heart was pounding and i was so embarrassed. But nothing happened. Later i told him how i felt. How i was scared and i think he liked that. I guess he was testing me. He did express to me He was worried after the first spanking i would probably leave him. I guess because i am a very strong don't mess with me type of women. I want this because i think it will help me reach my goals. Our list is almost complete. One rule is no smoking in the house or in the car with our children. We have decided to start slow and work our way up. My rules can be altered but we have to discuss it first. Im glad he is letting me help with my rules. Another is i have to workout four times a week no less but more if i wish. And i have to cook no less than 4 times a week witch lately has been a challenge. He said he will take care of the weekend meals. Last is i can drink 2 times a week that was my idea. I found myself on Wednesday saying i need a drink n Friday n Saturday maybe Sunday. I don't like that at all it's kind of scary so its best we nip that in the bud before i have a box of wine next to my bed. Im sorry that may not be funny to some. So i guess i better prepare for my new lifestyle im nervous but excited. I know im going to be a hard one to brake.

antoher anon said...

hi just me back again i am so impressed with the way you ladies are all so courageous in talking to your husbands about wanting to to dd.. if you read the posts called another anon thats all me all the same person. i just dont have the courage to identify myself any other way at the mo. its all a bit embarresing at the mo. well what i really wanted to say also is that i still have not managed to say anything to my husband and you lot are really making me feel more and more convicted about it my biggest demon is probably me awful temper and yacking at everyone - i now understand that at best i am a cheeky brat but probably more a csse of downright disrespectfulness so we all know what i need don't we. this is what i like about this blog u really can say what you feel and noone condemms you. Honestly though i feel i know i need to do something i have often felt like i needed to be disciplined, controlled or directed but it has not until i read this blog site that i fully understood why and the benefits it could bring i want this so much and now i am absolutely terrified what to do i feel i am getting worse the outburts are stil happenig despite me trying to control them and apart from droping realy vague hints to my husband about me being a b***** i have said nothing sorry really reapeating myself. well done to he lady who bought the paddle - i bought a ruler and it said spank me on it my husband only used it one time to give me a couple taps when we were intimate. i want something to happen but i just can't get my courage up enough to do it. someone please can you give me some sort of direction as to how to proceed.

Anonymous said...

I am Shelley I bought the paddle the picture on it is self explanatory. I felt it my husband loves me as much as i think he does he would understand what i need. Or i could help him understand. I am somewhat controlling and expect. I was spanked as a child my mother was very loving and fair but she maid sure to keep us all in line. My mother raised us to be very independent and not to settle for less. I am the baby and a little spoiled. I feel that might be one of the reason i am controlling at times. My husband makes sure i have what i need and most if what i want. I haven't really allowed him to be the man i know he can be. I read something that said women think they want to control their husband and when they succeed they are miserable. Very true i am now unhappy. I would say something nasty to him man does he get mad but he just walks away. The very first time I brought the subject up i said you know how i make you really mad "yes" well don't you sometimes want to just hit me " no i love you to much to hurt you" i said well don't you think i should be punished when i act like that "what do you mean you want me to hit you" i said no never but i do have an idea how you can help me help you. Would you do it if was a little crazy but might help us "yes i will do anything to make it better i love you" so i said would you spank me when i needed it i mean really spank me. He smiled and said damn right i would. That's when i read some stuff to him and then we didn't talk about it again after that. A few weeks later is when i bought the paddle. I don't want to rush into anything after all its his decision right. But i have had to show him how to find the information he need about our new lifestyle. He doesn't mess with the computer much. I can tell he has been reading because of the things he has been saying lately and the way he has been with our children as well. Our five year old tends to treat him the way i do. For example daddy will say baby get dressed we are going to the park baby said no im doing something daddy didn't get mad walk away and say something he shouldn't he turned around went to baby and said i said get dressed and i mean now i am trying to be patient daddy doesn't want to yell at you baby stood up looked at daddy and went and got dressed. That has happen quite a bit lately. Our rules are complete. My husbands main thing is my attitude and over ridding what he says and everything else is things i want and need to change about myself to get me where i need to be back how i use to be. Before it gets any worse. I understand once you get set in your ways its harder to change. I have also took someone's advice and started letting him make the decisions like where we are going to eat or what park to take our children to. Also baby asked to ride his bike while we were outside it was late but its the weekend and we were right there daddy said no then baby asked me and i would have normally said yes we are right here its no big deal but instead i said no daddy said no and that's it. Im so excited im thinking we just might be able to get this family back on track. Needless to say baby is having a hard time with it but he will be happier in the long run. Our older children will do just fine with the changes like i said it wasn't always like this. Im sorry if my story telling is getting to be to much but i can't verywell call my mom or sister and share this with them. On another note after some of the stories i read my dad might be spanking my mom man what a visual. Ewww Noooo!! Laugh Now Cry Later!!

Clint said...

@Sheila - I think boot camp would really help you two, but you both would have to commit to it 100%. Your husband cannot be passive and cannot back down at your first sign of defiance in boot camp - he needs to punish right away and immediately take control of the situation. I can tell you're very frustrated with this, and again, I think boot camp would help, but you must get commitment from him before you begin boot camp, otherwise it simply will not work.

I wish you the best in getting things on the right track in your marriage. Good luck to you.

@Blondie - Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

@His First Mate - You're starting to know me too well. :)

@Anonymous (May 19th 10:31 AM) - You bring up an excellent point. I appreciate you doing so. That is certainly something to take into consideration. I should have included that somewhere in the original post, but I didn't think of it at the time. Very well said.

@Want to be a good hoh - In your particular situation, I'd recommend you spank as you regularly do (same strength, same implement, etc.), however I would continue spanking at the same strength until she begins lightly crying, at which point I'd add between 5-10 strikes, then stop. As I've mentioned before, the crying is important for her, and for serious offenses this barometer is a good one to measure how hard/long you should spank.

I hope this helps, and good luck to you.

@really interested in dd - Approaching your spouse about wanting this lifestyle is not an easy thing to do. I commend you for acknowledging that you perhaps need this direction in your life, and for wanting to speak to your spouse about possibly incorporating this lifestyle into your marriage.

I wrote a post on how to approach you spouse about DD, and you can find it by clicking on this link, or copying and pasting it into your web browser:

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html

I think that will help you with the issue you're currently having.

As far as the scriptures, Ephesians 5:21-25,28, Ephesians 5:33, and 1 Peter 3:1-4 are a few that allude to the idea if wives deferring (or "submitting") to their husbands.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out for the best.

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Anonymous (May 21st 8:42 AM) - You ask a terrific question. I wouldn't necessarily grant further "allowance" for defiance during perimenopause, however I would show more understanding. What I mean is that I would not let broken rules go per sé, however I may not punish quite as harshly. For example - rather than 7 minutes of corner time, I'd only do 5 minutes. Or rather than 30 minutes of bedroom time, I'd only do 25 minutes. Something along those lines. It depends on the incident, but I wouldn't completely grant a "free pass", if you will. That's my opinion on this type of situation.

Excellent question. It certainly got me thinking. All the best to you.

@really interested in dd - Since you're asking essentially the same question as the anonymous poster prior to your comment, I'll direct you to my answer above.

@Cat - Excellent! I think yielding is a great term. Maybe I'll start using that one in place of submitting in the future. Thank you!

@Anonymous (May 22nd 8:38 AM) - I will also direct you to my answer to the first anonymous poster asking about perimenopause since you're essentially asking the same question.

@Sheila - For my wife and I, it's all in how any specific incident is handled. It's so much more than simply punishing. We talk about every aspect of what happened, why it happened, what she was thinking when it happened, and what's going to happen the next time she's in the same situation. There's a ton of communication, a ton of emotional marital bonding, and a more mature respect dynamic. Also, this lifestyle is consensual between us, where as punishment from a parent to a child isn't consensual.

I suppose, in a way, it is pawning your responsibility of behaving onto your HoH if you choose to look at it that way. That will only happen if you allow it to. You're responsible for your actions at all times. The HoH only punishes when you make a bad decision or use poor judgment. You should still always hold yourself accountable and always be responsible for your own actions - not solely rely on your HoH to correct them all the time. That isn't a healthy way to approach the lifestyle. The idea is to punish less and less frequently over time - not to leave the way you behave up to your spouse at all times. You're capable of doing that on your own, your HoH is there to get you back on track if you slip up or need better direction.

That's my personal opinion on the subject. It's nice to see others offering theirs as well.

@Anonymous (May 23rd 11:15 AM) - Welcome to the site! Since I believe your looking for an answer to the same questions as Sheila, I'll direct you to my answer to Sheila above.

All the best to you all.

-- Clint

Clint said...

@Livi - Welcome to the blogging community! I've added your blog to my blog roll. Thank you for the kind words as well. I appreciate your support very much. Thank you.

@Anonymous (May 23rd 3:48 PM) - I'm glad you enjoyed the post! Changing the dynamic of the marriage takes time, patience, and a lot of understanding. If you don't completely trust your spouse and his decision-making, that's obviously a big problem. If you can't let go of the control you currently have in the marriage, Domestic Discipline will not work for you. If you truly want this, you need to sit down with your husband and go over all aspects of the lifestyle together, and what you expect from one another going forward. Get all your concerns on the table and work through them together. Trust has to be there for this to work. Make sure the trust is there before you start, and keep communication open at ALL times.

Good luck to you. All the best.

@another anonymous - Since you're essentially in the same situation as the anonymous poster prior to your comment, I'll direct you to my answer to her directly above.

@James - Well said once again. Thank you so much. If you ever want to write a guest post, email me. LearningLDD@gmail.com.

@Anonymous (May 26th 8:38 AM) - I commend you for having the courage to bring the idea of DD to your husband. I know that isn't easy to do. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I wish you nothing but success with the lifestyle going forward.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Dear Clint.
My marriage was about to end. We were figthing discussing all the time.
We have trie DD many times but it has not really worked.
We have read many of your pages and tried again and again and now things finally seams to work.
My husband is now in chage and he is so good at it and I love him more every day. he has become vey consistent and now i do not even bother go against him . i feel a deep desire til make him happy and he keeos on kissing me and he respects me even more. I am so grateful Clint for you helping us to get the most wonderful husband in the world. Thank you

Clint said...

@Anonymous (June 2nd 8:12 AM) - Wow, what a very nice comment. Thank you so much. I'm very humbled and very happy to hear your marriage is now on the right track. It sounds like you two are doing great with DD, and I hope you continue to have happiness in your marriage for many many years to come.

I'm so honored to hear the blog was helpful for your marriage. That's wonderful. All the best to you and your spouse.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

You are welcome. I tell you. My husband fells so happy. He is a man now and he feels so at peace . I can see his happiness in his eyes when I just accept his words and not ask questions all the times. He is no bully , He gets so more confidence and he compliments me all the time.He eben invited our daugther and son in law with our grandchild out for a sailing trip this afternoon. Normally he never has the energy to that. I was so happy seing thm all being happy together so I gladly stayed at home with the baby granddaughter.
Afterwards he kissed me and thank me for beingsuch a good wife looking after the baby and preparing dinner for them comming home. so you see this has really changed our life and seeing my husband so happy makes me so happy. he likes being the man.
I do not get punished that much because him being consistent really helps me . He does not spank very hard sp I triede the advice you had given in another post and I did ask very politly and he thank me for telling him and he would consider it and kissed me.
So again dear Clint. Thank you.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (June 3rd 12:32 PM) - You're really too kind. Thank you so much. It makes ME so happy to hear that you and your husband are so happy. Hearing success stories like yours just reaffirms my belief that this lifestyle can transform a marriage in such a remarkably positive way.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. All the best to you.

-- Clint

Emerald said...

Okay, 3rd edit (too long, brevity not my strength).
1. Considering DD. Stumbled across subject (though it only a sexual thing).
2. HOH concept not new (Christian background) but HOH not in family growing up and ex a verbally abusive alcoholic.
3. Someone in my life now family oriented with my best interests at heart. Has the foundation for the perfect HOH, loves me unconditionally; always wants what is best for me. I trust him implicitly. He has pride, but not prideful (that would be me).
4. I am ADD (attention deficient) structure is a requirement to function well & consistently. Lack of order literally shuts down thinking process & I get spun up. If you've dealt with anyone with ADD you know. Found order & structure in my work (military) but never personally (more important).
5. Have broached subject. Wow, we talk about anything yet this was very difficult &, coward that I am, I did it over the phone while he was 1000 miles away. Not sure I could do in person. Finally blurted out "How do you feel about spanking?" He thought I meant as foreplay...LOL
6. He has agreed to consider it & read your site. Best site I have seen. Been exploring on many sites for about 4 days. Like that you mention prayer, but you don't go beyond that to preachy. Some are really demeaning to women.
7. So, you're asking, where is all this going? (I warned you...just saying.) The Type A personality would be me not him. He is not as self-confident as I, but here is my thinking & here is where I would like feedback.
a. I believe DD, done slowly & correctly, would build his confidence in his decisions and consequently in himself.
b. I can be hyper-critical of myself and others although with him it is dramatically less. I believe in sitting down to discuss issues as recommended with DD I would be conscious of the new dynamic with him as HOH and would temper accordingly.
c. As I have been reading your site I have incorporated some disciplines on myself. I was totally spun up this morning & unable to function. I put myself to bed. (Hardly a normal circumstance.) I had a nap and when I woke up the world looked doable & my frame of mind was 100% better. There have been a couple of other times where I basically did a dual role mentally, why I should or should not do something, etc. Truthfully, the last couple of days have been more productive & calmer than is usual for me, epecially when I am alone.
Now you are asking yourself, if that is working why DD (you probably aren't, but for the sake of conversation I will pretend). So I ask of you, do you really think an ADD, Type A personality, used to running her own household, & who has a flare for witty, sarcastic remarks is really going to succeed on her own past a couple of days?! Of course you don't! See how well I know all of you already? :)
8. Humour aside, because of the ADD, I am not capable. It is that simple. But I believe, as I was certainly capable of a productive and awarded military career, within a framework of structure I can achieve the serenity & stability in my personal life I have always had in my professional.
10. I also have PTSD & the anxiety which often goes with it (under care & I don't see DD as an issue). All of this makes my world an even more difficult place to navigate.
11. Now, with his reluctance to exert control & my irratic ability to complete things & maintain balance, life is a bit splintered still. I honestly believe DD will help us to not only grow personally, but will create a calmer home and happier people.
Would love comments & suggestions based on our personalities. Also, ahhh, how do you keep the sexual side of spanking at bay (an issue for me, not him)?
Okay, this was way too long & rather personally revealing, but I am going to send this anyway because I think I need to, even if you never let me post on this site again. (Oh, no, not Eme, she writes bloody books!) :)

Clint said...

@Emerald - Hello, Eme. I'm happy to hear you had the courage to approach your spouse about the idea of DD being a part of your relationship. Kudos for having the courage and strength to do so. Also, thank you for the kind words about the site. I really appreciate it.

With the ADD (or ADHD) and the PTSD you say that you have, DD may be a bit more challenging for you, however I believe it will also really help you. DD creates a balance and brings stability to a relationship - among many other things - that I think will help calm things down for you and bring more harmony to your marriage. Even with these conditions, DD can and SHOULD operate the same way, even if that means punishing a bit more frequently than a "regular" couple would. These conditions shouldn't discourage you or your spouse from incorporating DD in a way that would be the most beneficial for your marriage.

To keep the sexual side of spanking at bay, you must first identify what it is that is sexually arousing to your husband. Is it the nudity of the buttocks? Is it the position of the spanking? Is it simply the act of submission from his wife? Is it combination of any of these things? Once the stimulating factor is identified, the appropriate action can then be taken to counter that stimulation.

For example, if it's simply the nudity of the spanking that is arousing to him, you can spank over a thin layer of clothing (pajamas, for instance) rather than spank bare bottomed. If the position is arousing him, change the position to a less sexually suggestive position. Basically you would need to replace the stimulating factor with a different, non-stimulating (or less stimulating) factor to "keep the sexual side of spanking at bay."

I hope this helps you out, and I wish you the best of luck on your DD journey together.

All the best.

-- Clint

Eme said...

Clint, thank-you for the reply. Just a small correction...'T' almost sputtered when he read your comments about sexual side of spanking - you got the wrong person. LOL. I was asking for myself, but either way the comments hold. It is just that 'T' was embarrassed that you thought I was referring to him so I had to make a correction. We have both been married before so some of our experiences in the various facets of marital life are different.

Clint said...

@Eme - Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I clearly misread it the first time through. My sincerest apologies to 'T'. I didn't mean to embarrass him in any way whatsoever. It was carelessness on my part. Sometimes staring at this computer screen can make me see things. :)

The advice I gave still applies to the woman. I think you get the idea.

Sorry again, and good luck with moving past this problem.

-- Clint

Eme said...

Not a problem. I think he was more taken off guard than anything. :)

And that was supposed to be 'facets of marital life' instead of the facets of martial life' in my post.

Hmmm, Freudian slip?

Eme

Anonymous said...

Hi Emerald,
I too have PTSD and anxiety. I'm wondering if DD has helped you? If you don't mind sharing.

Thanks,

 
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