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Learning Domestic Discipline
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Posted in: Domestic Discipline Challenges
LDD's Weekly Recap: July 29th - August 4th
11 years ago
Monday, January 9, 2012
Domestic Discipline Challenges - Children
Posted in: Domestic Discipline Challenges
20 comments:
My best advice is to soundproof the master bedroom. Every house we've owned/lived in, we've made the financial and time investment and it is more valuable than words can describe. Google soundproofing options online and come up with a plan that works best for your situation, location of the bedroom in relation to children's bedrooms, family areas etc. All we've had to do is excuse ourselves, tell the kids we need some private time and off to the bedroom we go - even when they've been down the hall!
Clint - really, really good post!
I've been waiting for this post!! Thank You! I have learned that coming home at lunch isn't always and option since that is one of the only times our children are all out of the house.
Thanks Again!
For the various reasons stated on the 'Implementing Rules' thread, which have to do with the mother's authority as a parent, the respect the child has for her and the risk that what the child has been told might reach the ears of another adult who might misconstrue it and assume abuse, I think it's a particularly unwise idea to tell a child that its mother is disciplined by its father. A child may be intelligent, but that does not mean they have the *maturity* not to misuse the information, to understand that it isn't the 'norm', or to understand the complexities of a consensual adult DD relationship.
I have read your sight entirely, bought your boot camp book, joined the network, asked questions and have chatted with you. We have learned alot from you and have appreciated your information.
But this time, I think that your advice may not be the best. I would never ever tell a child that when mommy makes a mistake, like them the child, that she also has a consequence. This is putting the mother and the child at the same level. Kids need to see their parents as equal partners. It is okay for the kids to know that Dad makes the final decision. But they need to see the father treat their mother with respect and treat her as an equal.
If my children happen to witness a spanking, I would share as little information with them as possible and maybe even not tell the entire truth. At no age should a child know that the father spanks the mother. I would make sure that the answer I give satisfies their questions but no way would I ever admit to discipline.
I know you don't think we should lie to our children but just like telling them about sex itself, you only need to give the information needed and sometmes you need to spin the story a little.
We have asked just about every blogger we know that have children, what they do. Everybody does something different and some how domestic discipline works. It is not easy but there isn't much about children that is easy. And there is certainly not an easy answer. Which is what I was hoping you would have when I read your blog title.
The advice you gave me at one time when we discussed having to wait for the punishment was really helpful. You said that there should be some kind of constant reminder that the husband hasn't forgotten. You suggested maybe removing a privelage until the punishment can take place. That way the wife doesn't feel like the husband has forgotten and it also helps the husband to not forget. Keepin a journal was another good idea. There may not be an opportunity for a spanking for awhile, so using the journal keeps track of the infractions.
And then there is the ever creative way my husband does it, we go for a car ride and find an empty park or something and he delivers the spanking. Not my favorite but it can happen pretty much immediately.
And there may be some silent implements but I doubt there are many silent women when getting spanked.
I am sorry this is long but I want to welcome you to the world of parenting because before long you will be hiding things from your children and will not be able to put your wife on a time out in the living room. Enjoy your little one now. He is awfully cute..
@Christina - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Soundproofing a bedroom is a great idea as well, if a couple has the means to do so. Thank you for your input!
@Saguaroheart - You're most welcome. I had you in mind when I wrote this post. :)
@SWL1 - Thank you so much for your comment. I knew a post about children would spark some conversation. Thank you for giving your input on the subject.
@Blondie - Thank you so much for your input. You've been so supportive of the blog, book and network, and I can't thank you enough for that. It's been a pleasure getting to know you a bit more personally.
You make some great points for readers to take into consideration. Some parents may choose to lie to their children and some may not. Those decisions are part of the joy of parenting. I knew this post would spark some strong opinions, and I appreciate you sharing yours.
All the best to you all!
-- Clint
When we started this, I told my children that I wanted to get better at some things like exercising more. I told them that I asked Daddy to hold me accountable and make sure that I get those things done. I even mentioned that he would give me consequences if I didn't do them because I asked him to. I didn't say what the consequences would be. If we ever needed to explain a spanking, I would take it from there. It makes it clear that I asked for this and want it.
We do teach our children that everyone is accountable to someone. We all have someone in authority over us like God, bosses and police officers. Daddy is accountable to God and his boss. I am accountable to God and Daddy, etc.
After I told my son about needing help with exercise, he asked me to do the same for him. I thought that was cool. He saw the benefit right away.
Learning2iron
Clint,
We've been down this road a bit, my oldest heard more than he should have, we thought he left for the evening but he had an emergency (he is at an age where he was in a car accident his friend was driving-on our street, they flew into our house). We were behind an door and jumped about 10 feet. Luckily his buddy stayed on the porch. We were honest but what made it more confusing was that we don't spank our kids, in fact that don't equate being spanked with being punished at all-so it did require some discussion. It does get very tricky.
Laurie (NTP_google is acting up)
@Learning2iron - That's a terrific way to approach it as well. It's not an easy situation to address, certainly. Thank you for giving your input on the topic. It's always appreciated.
@Laurie - Yes, it definitely can be tricky. It's not a position I wish any couple to be in, but unfortunately it does happen from time to time. A good discussion with children is never a bad thing. Hopefully they understood enough to accept it. I commend you for being honest with your kids and doing your part to help them understand as much as they possibly could. That's absolutely wonderful. :)
All the best to you both!
-- Clint
As a wife and head of household, I find that immediacy and severity of punishment is of extra importance and having three children can be a challenge to work around since my preferred implement is the belt, the administering of which is quite loud. However, now that the children are a bit older, I have found an effective technique. When my husband has misbehaved, I discreetly send him back to our bedroom. I join him shortly later and have him clear the bedclothes from the bed and have him disrobe. I then bind his hands and lecture him on the unacceptability of his behavior. Of course, since the consequence is going to be corporal punishment, it is a given that he has broken an established rule and received his one warning. I then leave him to stand in the corner to think about his actions and the coming consequences. After a while, I will give my oldest son some money and have him take is brother and little sister to the market for treat or an errand. From the house I can see them walking for several blocks and once they turn the corner and are out of sight, I re-enter the house and lock the door. By the time I am back in our bedroom I have my belt off and I have my husband bend over the edge of the bed. I give him a few strokes to get his attention, then a short, more sever lecture in louder tones than I am able to use when the children in the house. I then administer the strapping. It is usually twenty to thirty strokes with a relatively fast timing of three to five seconds between strokes. He may start out stoic and try to keep quiet for fear of the nabors hearing, but by ten he will have lost his pride and be balling like a baby. The actual strapping will last not longer than two and a half minutes and the whole event from my re-entery the house to the end of the punishment is probably less than six minutes. However, I can assure you it is an effective punishment and deterrent. This will leave him sobbing and repentant with criss-cross of deep purple welts starting from the top of his buttocks and extending to about half way down the back of his legs. This will turn into bruising and the marks will take about two week s to fade. The key is; that if it is corporal punishment that is to be administered, not sexual play, then the actual event only need take a few minutes.
I thought this was a website in which husbands were the heads of their households and wives were striving to be help-meets as in accordance with Biblical, Judeo-Christian values and beliefs. The above comment from the lady who says she is the head of the house is a shocking and unbelievable one; I am really stunned that this was allowed on here. No wife should be doing that. I was really hoping this would be a more appropriate website. I hope you, Anonymous, will see the error of your ways and learn to submit graciously to your husband -- he is a man and should be respected as such.
I have to admit, I was horrified. I know I (and my husband, too, when he sees this) will no longer endorse this site if these comments are allowed and approved. I was sure that with Christians in charge of this site that only appropriate commentary would be allowed.
I'm sorry that I was so deceived.
I believe this site is great, I appreciate all the information that it provides about DD and we are NOT Christians! Clint has already said that he does not agree with Anonymous and the arrangement in her household in an earlier post. Clint and his blog haven't decieved anyone, many do not agree with DD and for someone who practices it in thier houshold to dis a fellow DD couple because its not the way you believe, makes you the same as the people who would frown on you for practicing DD. I also thought that Christians were not supposed to judge. The world would be a much better place if we live and let live and stop holding other people to our own personal standards and beliefs. I am glad that you do this blog, thank you for allowing different views being posted and thank you for your effort, sorry for going way off topic. Anne
We're Jewish and we are enjoying the information on the site and use some of the suggestions when making DD decisions. I could be wrong but I don't remember seeing anywhere on this site that it is a religious based site. Just my opinion!
I think it would be wise for everyone to give Clint a chance to respond to controversial comments, before making strong statements. I have always been impressed with his wisdom when something difficult comes up. We are all going to have a strong reactions, Christian or not, to occasional comments. This is a difficult topic to discuss.
@Anonymous (January 15th 1:44 PM) - Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. Your suggestion to give the children something to do outside of the home is a good one, in my opinion. I'm glad to hear you and your husband have found what works for you, and what makes you both happy.
@Anonymous (January 16th 9:51 PM) - It's unfortunate you were offended by the previous commenter, and I certainly understand why you were. I don't agree with everything in their comment as well, however I felt the comment held some value when the commenter talked about how they gave their children something to do out of the house so they could carry on about their business privately. That, to me, is good advice. Again, I don't necessarily agree with everything within the entire comment, but I'm in no position to judge those who practice a lifestyle that makes them happy, and a lifestyle that they believe in.
I've done my best to welcome people of all religions to this site. I feel DD doesn't have to be tied to one religion or another. I feel any couple that loves one another can practice DD. Yes, I've touched on a few Christian ideas (scriptures, optional prayer, etc.), but I've never pressed the issue, nor have I ever used religion as a crutch to justify practicing DD. My wife and I are openly Christians, but again, simply because I disagree with someone doesn't mean I have the right to judge their lifestyle.
The commenter was respectful to me, the site, and other commenters all while using appropriate language and tone. Perhaps the detail was a bit graphic, but I felt the comment was acceptable and had something to offer readers (giving the kids something to do outside of the house), which is why it was approved.
I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I understand, and although you said you aren't going to return to read my response to you, I certainly wish you and your family the very best in whichever lifestyle you choose to practice within your marriage.
@Anne - Thank you for your appreciation of the blog! It's nice to know people appreciate the hard work put into it and understand the messages I strive to convey. Thanks again.
@Anonymous (January 17th 2:41 PM) - Thank you for sharing your opinion, and thank you for reading! I'm glad you don't feel unwelcome here. You're most certainly welcome, and it's great to have your support of the site.
All the best to you all.
-- Clint
I follow this site because it is not specifically Christian DD and because of the "Husband (or head of household)" statements. I am not anti-Christian, but it does not form the underpinning of our relationship.
Like many children, my husband grew up in a household where his mother administered discipline to the children. The amateur psychiatrists amongst us could probably say allot about that, but I am happy with the way he is. He is not effeminate or weak. He is strong, protective, a good bread winner, and a good father. I am a stay at home mom and do the cooking, cleaning and other traditional chores. We have a happy and peaceful home, and I am glad that the power/s that be chose to put us in each others paths. I am sorry I caused strife, and I had no wish to cost the site / Clint viewership since I have learned so much here. I did realize that my comment was graphic but decided to include it since I wanted to stress that you only need to get the children out of the house for a short time since the noisy part of the disciple can be accomplished very quickly. I also considered reversing our positions or using the euphemism "partner", but I believe that marriage is important and that the severity of the punishment might seem extreme if applied to a wife. I see now that I could have made my point more diplomatically and less graphically, and I do apologize.
Head of Household.
@Anonymous/Head of Household - I'm so happy to hear that your marriage dynamic is working for you. It sounds like you both are happy which is the most important thing. Thank you for your apology, thank you for sharing your thoughts/ideas, and thank you for supporting the site.
Best of luck to you and your family in the future.
-- Clint
My husband and I love your site. We try to get on at least one weekend a month and see what new suggestions you have. I like reading your wife's blog to get a woman's view.
I have to admit that it bothers me when i am on a DD site to see some of the comments viewers make to one another. We in the DD community need to support one another as much as possible, because don't we get enough negativity and misunderstanding from the outsiders?
I see comments where someone has been brave enough to tell about a punishment they received from their HOH. Then following it will be comments like " wow you get punished a lot." Or, your husband is really strict, or my husband would never punish me for THAT!
I don't see how anyone could think that this helps the situation in any way.
I've been in this situation before. We started DD when my husband was in the military and we
were fortunate to have several other DD couples living on base around us. The wives often got together and usually some DD talk would come up. It didn't take me long to discover that I was the most spanked wife of the group. Comments of you sure do get spanked a lot, hurt. I wondered why I could.t behave better and felt like a bad wife and that my husband deserved better than what he got. After a while, the comments were less about me and more about how strict my husband was. These comments were not helpful either. BTW, I don't think any of this was intentional, just not well thought out by my girl friends. I eventually confronted my husband, I tried to remain respectful, but there just isn't any respectful way to call your husband a hard-ass. Needless to say I got in trouble. Afterwards my husband asked me to talk to him about where all these feelings were coming from, and I did. I should have done it much sooner instead of letting the resentment build up. I told him I was coming close to wanting to call it quits with the DD in our marriage.
He. Reminded me of all the reasons that I had given for wanting this in our lives. He then took
the time to go over every rule that we had in place and asked which ones I felt I could't live with any more because they were too strict. The truth is I didn't really think any of them were what I didn't want. I had at one time agreed to them so why would I would I decide to change them now simply because they were not what my friends had to live by. Most of the DDers did the followed the 4 D's rule. My HOH had wanted some others in ours that were important to him and a few were added that were important to me as well.
Yes, my husband was stricter than most, still is. However, four years into this, and I can say that I am all thankful I hung in there. Our marriage is better than ever and we are both so happy.
I
I just wanted to add that DD is not a one size fits all lifestyle. No two people are the same, no two couples are the same and no two marriages are the same. Therefore, no two people will practice DD in the exact same manner. This is what I love most about it. You can customize it to your individual.selves. So please when making comments to others about this lifestyle, make them respectful of this concept. You would never want to needlessly hurt someone or cause someone to give up on DD because of careless words.
Thanks,
Diana
Diane, So true. DD is not one size fits all.
I can relate to comments made without taking a moment to think about how it may come across. My favorite is my first dd friend who used to share with me how hard it was for her husband to punish her. He never seemed to get comfortable with the spanking. Probably why they didn't last but 8 or 9 months in this lifestyle. I once told her about a spanking I had received the night before that had been a severe punishment. Without thinking she said 'how can he punish you that harshly, I can't even get my husband to hit me hard enough with his hand to actually hurt me, he just loves me too much'. This girl is nice, most likely she meant nothing by this comment. Still the way it came out I thought 'Gee since my husband has no trouble giving me a spanking, does this mean her husband loves her more than mine does me.'
As for the feeling that you can't be good enough and that your husband derserves better.
My husband often tells me I'm perfect, when I say no I am not, I've gotten in trouble a lot lately. He will say again, You are perfect to me. Youre behavior is not perfect, but you are.
I think what it comes down to is trust in our spouses or HOH. You have to believe that they have our best interest at heart. They have the responsibilty to behave in a way that is morally responsible to us in order to earn the gift of our submission. I sometimes remind people that none of this can be done without our consent. For some reason even dders tend to forget this.
As a whole though, I find most DDers to be helpful and kind. I think we all know that we have something special going on.
Thanks to you and your husband for your military service to our country. Have a blessed 2012.
I hope you don't mind but I had nothing to do so I'm using my secretarial skills to go through your posts and remind you on what pages you have outstanding questions/comments to answer. Don't know what to say about missing this one, Boss... too much champagne from New Years?
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