Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Domestic Discipline Challenges - Injury (HoH)

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  We discuss overcoming the challenges of an injured/ill HoH when living the domestic discipline lifestyle.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.


Mikki said...

This is a post that is near and dear to my heart as we have been in this situation for several months... and its not an easy place to be for either of us. I guess we went down a 4th path... there were no punishments.... but none were really required. I never have received any "punishments" anyway... I'm fairly respectful to my husband and don't need to be "corrected" often... I have kept myself in check during his recovery.

I just wrote a post about how I think we probably won't be practicing spanking any longer, S doesn't seem to be interested... but that doesn't mean that I'm not still going to strive to be submissive due to the fact that we both believe that Dd is the way to go... he just doesn't like spanking me.. stating that I don't mess up to deserve one. I'm sure we will figure it out... one way or the other! ;o)

But I do have to offer this.... and I mean no disrespect what so ever... but the part that includes a third party... there is absolutely no one reason that I can think of where there should be another person spanking me. Trusted friend or not.... no one should be spanking your spouse! As a matter of fact, I do believe that I have read that as the basis to more than a few "naughty" stories. IMHO.... I believe that is borrowing trouble and personally I can find enough trouble on my own. You are right,there IS far too much intimacy.. and too much touching (even with clothes on)... too much trouble to find!!!!!

I know you said "last resort"... I'm trying to think of a violation of rules that would constitute so out there that a third person should be called in to administer a spanking that hubby was too sick/disabled to give... and there just aren't any!!!!!

I very much like your blog... and most generally agree whole heatedly with nearly every post... and most of the time if I don't agree with what people post, I just click on to the next blog... but your blog is a bit different where people come to learn how to do ttwd... and I really think that if people who are seeking advice add a third person to their already imperfect marriage (whose marriage is perfect after all.. )they could be asking for more trouble than they meant to have....

I do hope I haven't offended... but I felt that this needed to be pointed out and commented on...

Great blog!! Take care!!b

Anonymous said...

If your husband is injured or being in the hospital.well the last thing you should be conserned about is a punishment . In that case the husband and wife should forget all about punisments and bad behaviours and the wife should be at his husbands bed. In sickness and health. for better for worse. No need to punish if an accident arise. just love eachother

Anonymous said...

What happens if the wife is sick/injured and she still acted out what would happen then?

Molded By Him said...

Hi Clint, OK, now you've officially scared me. I did read that this is an option you don't endorse but have mercy just posting it - sends chills. Having another man spank? Oh no, no no. It's just way too intimate. This bond is similar in nature to an intimate evening. No, I'm not equating spanking equals sex, but they are both incredibly intimate and build on a trust factor of a million. I could and would never want sex with another man. I couldn't do it. I do understand your point. But from this little kitty, it would be something that could possibly fracture our bond. Permanently. I wonder what the other ladies on your blog think.

I do thank you for posting topics that I would never even have thought of and for giving us a very safe forum to chat and share. All my best.

Susie said...

I read this yesterday and have been thinking about it. I'll admit that the thought of a third party gives me the shivers and that wouldn't happen here ever, but each couple of course should decide that on their own.

What had me thinking though was the idea that a wife who is waiting for discipline would be acting out...trying to get away with more. I've had to wait (though admittedly only for days, not weeks), when my husband has been sick. In those times I tend to be extra sensitive and intentionally more submissive, not less. Of course I make mistakes during that time but they are not deliberate....I hope, I think.

I'd be interested in hearing from others as to whether they find themselves acting out when they are not immediately held accountable under these circumstances.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Mikki - Your comment wasn't disrespectful at all. Generally speaking I'm not going to find a comment that agrees with my same mentality disrespectful. You expressed yourself well, and I certainly appreciate that.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope things work out for the best with you and your marriage. Where you're going through a situation that is touched on with this particular post, I very much appreciate you taking the time to offer your thoughts on it.

I'm sure you and your spouse will find what works best for you both and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

@Anonymous (January 25th 1:25 PM) - You make an excellent point and I do agree with you to a certain extent. The only part I disagree with is not worrying about following the rules and punishments. The rules within a marriage don't have a "on and off switch" if you will. I feel rules should always be a part of the marriage at all times. The last thing a couple needs in a situation where the HoH is injured is the wife texting while driving (for example) on her way to the hospital to visit her husband, get into a car accident, and end up in the hospital as well making a bad situation worse. This is just an example but it illustrates what I'm trying to say.

I understand your point of view and I hope you understand mine as well. This post isn't specifically about being hospitalized. The husband could simply have a broken arm (at home) and be unable to punish for several weeks and during that timeframe the rules wouldn't just disappear.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

@Anonymous (January 26th 1:01 AM) - I'm planning on doing a sister post to this one that addresses the wife being in this position. Look for that soon.

@Molded By Him - It appears you and I are in agreement on the topic of a third party intervening. It is not something I recommend couples do because it can create emotional issues between spouses and the marriage. I included it on this particular entry since I've been asked about it numerous times and it IS an option that some couples consider. Although it's not something I would personally recommend, I feel I should share both sides of the issue. This isn't the first time I have written about something I do not typically recommend (see maintenance spankings).

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on a controversial aspect of DD. Good luck to you.

All the best to you all.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Well Clint I do agree about the DD-marriage is not a on and off marriage. And yhe wife should always do her very best to follow the rules even then the husband is unable to practice punisments. We have a rule here that says that when my husband is tired or sick or things like that I have to do my very best to behave grown up and I think the stronger your marriage get the more you respect your husband and you will do everything you can to make him happy. And a wellbehaved wife makes him happy.One of my rules are not to eat xakes without permission because it is a proble for me and i know i get punished if i do anyway but I think it would me to see him disappointed with me and his pain of not being able to correct me . so I think actually if i do brake rules well it is not on purpose and in that case i think my husband would forgive me. saying something like."enjoy your holiday darling. it will not me long before we are back to normal"

Anonymous said...

Im going to disagree with your statement about DD being an on and off switch. I think there are circumstances in life where sometimes the rules/punishments have to be set aside for a moment. My husband being in the military is gone ALOT and there are times where neither of us are in the mental state to worry about DD. (Far bigger things on our mind) I never see it as an opportunity to take advantage, or test. Im sure there are other situations the same where something in life just overules DD and you just have to trust each other to be able to act like responsible adults without it.

Jessica said...

My comment is in response to the anonmyous one posted above me.

I disagree with your statement that DD should only be done when it's convenient for you and your spouse. I suppose some marriages could work like that, but most ones I know of that incorporate DD incorporate it as a lifestyle choice, not as something they use when they feel like it and stop it when they don't.

My husband is military as well and has done 4 tours. You are right when you say neither one of us were in the mental state to "worry" about DD and so, because of that, I followed the rules, and I didn't get punished. I tried extra hard, and it paid off. But, we never "turned DD off" because had I broken a rule, punishments still would have been dealt whether we were "in the mood" to or not.

I know everyone practices DD differently but in my opinion, consistency is one of the biggest foundations that it takes to make DD work. I'm capable of acting like a responsible adult with, or without DD. Your last statement was offensive to every DD wife out there. You almost seem like DD consumes every thought, action, etc. and it isn't designed to be like that. There are plenty of days, weeks, etc. when DD doesn't even cross my mind or come up in converstation. Doesn't mean it's gone.


Anonymous said...

@Jesssica: To my mind DD works very well. DD is much more than a prompt punishment. The most valuable success is to be kept in line everywhere and always. DD sharpens the awareness that misbehavior will be corrected. This steady awareness avoids cheekiness in time.


April said...

I had to deal with this situation last year when my husband had back surgery. He was off his feet for 2 months, and could not spank for about 4 months. Did I feel I had a free pass to misbehave- no, I was, just as I always try to be, the most dutiful submissive wife he needed me to be.
I hate to disappoint my HOH and certainly would not want to do it while he is down and needing his wife's support and help. I seldom get into trouble these days anyway, but I find myself all the more submissive when my husband is ill or incapacitated. I don't submit out of fear, I submit to him out of love. It never entered my mind to take advantage of this situation.

After his recovery, he sent me the sweetest card thanking me for taking such good care of him, being patient, even when he sometimes wasn't, and for stepping up and doing some of the jobs that would normally be his as the HOH. He ended by saying that I was the most precious gift God had ever given to him. He's a very smart man. With praise like that .. how do you think I'm going to act the next time he is laid up?

Molded By Him said...

@April, your post resonated with me. It was lovely. Your care & treatment of him is the way I believe I would feel. My Love hurt or injured in any way almost flips a different switch in me (one I didn't know was there, lol) the "angel" - by really working to make sure he is given the best care and knows our home business (paying bills, lawn, any of the things he likes to claim as his duties) are taken care of. I also make myself leave work at a decent hour, so I can just give him the quiet company he loves. Even though that means after he's fallen asleep, I dial into our work system and finish my day for another several hours. But your husband was so sweet to say it like he did. Simply awesome. Mine loves to tease me, and asks where did his little angel go. Stinker. You are very blessed indeed. All my best.

Anonymous said...

April I like your comment. You are so right, I also submit truely out of love and if my husband is down that means he needs me even more and my love. the card your husband sent you really makes you do your very best also next time. marriage is loving eachother.

April said...

Yes, molded by Him (love this), and anonymous, that's why we do this thing we do..... Isn't it.

A Pleasing Woman said...

What interesting things you talk about on this site. Love it! I am sorry it took me so long to discover this blog. It's going to take me a while but I can't wait to read everything on here.

April, I too loved your post. You and your husband must have a great marriage. I think Praise is one of the most important keys to a DD marriage.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad this blog is back, I had looked for it but it just disappeared. Glad you have your books up on lulu again. I have to check it out gabby

Anonymous said...

Hey Clint!
First off, great blog! I've really enjoyed reading it and tend to agree with MOST of what you say. Lately I've hit a kind of "obstacle" that is a little different than the obstacles you are referring to, and I would really appreciate some advice.

My boyfriend of 5 and a half years and I had been practicing DD for a while and I found it extremely beneficial. Well long story short we are no longer together but I'm still craving that level of discipline and guidance, but I don't feel that I'm ready for another relationship yet.

I really am unsure of what to do, any advice?


SWL1 said...

Anonymous from February 2nd - I believe you are confusing this blog and the author's books with the completely different so called 'Loving DD' blog that disappeared a couple of years ago. Quite honestly, having read both, I consider them to be about as similar as chalk and cheese.

The Loving DD blog was written (apparently) by a male individual who never once shared the source of his 'expertise' and who could have been drawing on his own experience as an HoH, or could have been a mentor/disciplinarian of multiple women, or could have been simply expounding what was just a theory. In the Loving DD blog and book, the reader wasn't *advised * about some possible ways to practice DD, but was *told* the alleged 'right' way to do everything and how his partner should react when he did these things. The very strong message was that if standard action (a) didn't get standard reaction (b), the couple were getting it wrong. The author's approach took no account of people's individuality or the vast difference between their relationships. It assumed that every woman has exactly the same emotional and physical pain thresholds and that the same things are important to every man. While mildly critical comments were allowed, they never led to any obvious change or enlightenment by the blogger. While that approach might have been helpful for some couples who followed him, for others it was a disaster.

This blog, on the other hand, is written by the HoH in a DD relationship from his own experiences. We are allowed to talk to him and his wife, both here and in the live chat room of the attached social network. Constructive criticism is allowed and he is flexible and secure enough to adjust to be open to the suggestion of change and other ways in which to do things. Not everyone is in agreement with everything Clint says, but the important difference is that he recognises individuality and doesn't require people to be.


Kristin said...

Dear Clint,

I am so happy you covered this as a topic. My big, strong, take charge, driven husband was felled by a 8lb tumor in his abdomen a year and a half ago. He nearly died and the recovery still continues. They said that it would take up to a year to feel normal and longer to feel nearly himself. We are still waiting...whenever he drives distances or does too much physically, his abdomen swells and the pain is excrutiating. I brought DD or CDD into our lives last Fall because I was convicted (very lovingly) by the Holy Spirit that I had never truly submitted to my husband, though my heart was willing, the flesh... I was not at all sure of the reasons behind the Holy Spirit slowly openning my heart to this seemingly outlandish concept but I now realize that it was the lack of trust and my belief that my husband truly did not love me that kept me from giving in wholly to the marriage. Did the Holy Spirit know this- did God, my Abba father in heaven, know that I truly needed my bottom warmed?

Miraculously, it was the first hastily but firmly applied spanking that my husband decided to give me that openned my eyes and heart to this. Out of all the things going awry in our marriage and life, he chose to tackle the opinion, on my part, that he did not love or care about me. As I yelled and threw laundry at him (very common occurance by myself at that time), he did as he always had done- ignore me stonily. It must have been the dish towel that did it, it hit him in the face. He looked my way with a certain steely look in his eye and said "Alright, that's it," that made me dash. After catching me in the laundry room and firmly pulling me back to the livingroom by the elbow, he layed me across his knees and spanked as he lectured. Boy, it hurt and I told him so, he said yes, that was the point and swatted me each time I tried to talk. I yelled "Stop, you are going to injure yourself!", he said he did not care, I tried to hold still so he would not strain his abdomen but it took every fiber of my being! I wanted to clean his clock! He swatted, lectured me, told me he loved me over and over again and that I just never beleived him. When he finally let me up, I was kind of emotionally shell shocked and it took a couple days to process it all. I was a changed woman. Before that spanking, I wanted to submit to my husband out of obedience to God, a need for stability for our children and a desire to be unified as we faced some greater stresses in our lives. After that spanking, a little bloom started to grow in my heart- the first tentative seeds of respect that started to grow and an overwhelming desire to please him and the first true feelings of remorse that I had ever experienced in regard to my behavior ever in our marriage!

Ironically, he had rejected the idea of bringing this into our marriage vehemently when I suggested it in a letter. I guess he finally had had enough of my anger towards him. After much rejection, horror and repugnance and arguing on the part of my husband, and starts and stops, he finally agreed that this is something we had needed in our marriage for a long time. I was heartbroken when he at first dismissed the idea but continued to implore him since I recognized a true need in my husband to learn to trust me and my commitment to change as well and that he needed a tool that would or could in a way "level the playing field."

We have been married eleven years and we have had more than our fair share of struggles, both of us came to the marriage wounded by mistreatment in our formative years by immature and unfair authority, but our devotion to eachother is steadfast. Commitment is what counts I found, not looking for happiness and fullfillment all the time. Life just does not work that way. Fullfillment comes from honoring and remaining true to those you love, being there always and forever.

Comment in two parts... continued...

Thank you, Kristin, a devoted Lurker

Kristin said...

Again, continued from "Kristin the Happy Lurker"

Now fast forward to now. I have received quite a few "punishments" from my husband since then but...I also left a comment on Christina of the "Red Booty Woman" blog as I respect her input regarding this but...

Anyway- just wondering if you could give me a little reassurrance. Perhaps you may not see this in time but my husband is away and this time "grounded" me from the internet until I get a few projects done around the house. He called last night and when asked, I admitted that I had been on. I was caught waiting for an appointment without a book and web surfed the Iphone for half an hour while I waited. I did not see what the big deal was, I wasn't even home. He was quiet. He then said that I don't take him seriously and I don't respect him. Perhaps I did not take him seriously yet but I was supposed to have some time to get used to that... He said that he does not feel that my punishments have had the desired affect and that will be changed tonight. That he will not "pound" me but it will be memorable and I will take him seriously enough to want to avoid consequences from now on. He does not read blogs or even information on DD or CDD but he is very much an in charge type of man, he is a leader at work- of many hundreds actually, a formidable one. He says that I have always sought to defy authority, that I am willful and rebellious. That may be true, but in my defense, always in a sweet and indirect way, so no one would notice. Anyone who knows me would say what a "sweet, patient, gentle" person I am. I have been relatively left to my own devises since turning twelve, due to certain circumstances. I guess I recognized that in myself, I don't trust. No one has ever really held me accountable for anything personally. I have just kind of "worked the system" using the talents God gave me, my looks, charm and persuasive tongue. I am a very good-willed type of person, I don't ever want to hurt anyone purposefully. But I know I have hurt him throughout our marriage because I resisted, defied him, lied to him and emotionally distanced myself from him. I am very nervous about tonight, I know my husband loves me but I am more than a little scared. What does it mean whne a HOH says such things? He seemed so calm, resolute, self assured, affectionate and even proud of himself on the phone. He has no qualms at all about making me squirm. I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff! My husband does not feel that I should have my own blog at this time and I respect that, but I sure would like to get my feelings out! I know that I am defying him even now by being on here but I do intend on telling him honestly, at least I intend to. I don't think he understands yet how much I need the community since I don't know of any other couples at all in our sphere of influence that practice this and women need people to talk too! Anyway, I would love your, your wifes (or anybody else who is reading this) advice regarding tonight.

... to be continued...

Kristin said...

Finally...sorry for length, last continuation...

From "Kristin the devoted Lurker"

He is right, the spankings have not been bad enough to induce real change in simple behaviours but how was I to tell him that or even know he really cared that much? Who the heck would want to get up from a painful spanking that their husband seemed hardpressed to give and then say, "Hey honey, great effort but I would score you about a six on the effectiveness scale. You tried Dear, kudos, but I don't think you really broke my will enough to have me re-assessing and assuring motivation for change on my part in the near future concerning X, Y and Z".? That certainly does not seem respectful, but neither does just placating and manufacturing remorse for his benefit at the time of punishment. I still worry that he will hurt himself during these sessions and although I would like to say I have not fought him during them, I have been a she-banshee at times- totally volatile- remember the trust issue? Not to mention the very real rebellion he always talked about in my heart that he always told me was there but I did not even realize how ingrained it was until he tried to address it. I am sooo stubborn and I fight him emotionally tooth and nail and will NOT give in at times even though he is begging me too since he does not want to continue to hurt me. This time I am afraid making me VERY uncomfortable will be the point. I don't like pain.

Thank you very much for your devotion to this site. I know it is changing peoples lives because it has changed ours, God Bless to you and your family

Kristin, a devoted Lurker

Anonymous said...

What would you say to your wife if she lyed to you/being especially naughty before spanking her? What scolding will you give her?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Kristin - I'm terribly sorry I'm getting back to you so late as you were looking for a response much sooner than this. My sincerest apologies to you.

There's a lot you said in your comments, but it was all very appreciated. I think the feelings you go through before a punishment are normal, and the entire Domestic Discipline lifestyle is a work in progress with the one you love. I can't speak for your husband of course, but I'd imagine his stern tone is to send the message that he's serious, and above all else, he has your best interest at heart. It may take some getting used to for an 11 year married couple new to DD, but this response from him is him assuming his role as the leader of the home and protector of his family. Unless it gets to the yelling point, I would embrace this behavior from him rather than be worried about it.

Feedback is always a good thing, even when difficult to give. If the spankings are not getting you to your remorseful state, then they need to be intensified. Generally speaking that's when you start crying, but every woman is different.

I encourage you to join the LDD Social Network. There are many people within that are more than willing to help you through things, and it has a blog feature and forums were you can express yourself at any time.

Good luck to you going forward, and thank you so much for being a loyal reader of the blog.

@Anonymous (March 10th 11:09 PM) - My wife and I would have a very calm discussion about why she felt it appropriate to lie, and what needs to be done to address the issue so it does not happen again. I think the term of "scolding" is a bit strong - we'd simply discuss what happened and take the necessary steps to get the problem fixed.

All the best to both of you.

-- Clint

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