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Monday, April 2, 2012

April Couples Challenge - Spreading The Word


Image courtesy of Yamhill Valley.
  We don't ask much from our readers, but in April's Couples Challenge, we DO ask something of our readers.  Are you up for the challenge?  You can read all about it on our new website by clicking here.

13 comments:

April said...

Clint,

My husband and I have both tried to convince good friends of ours that their marriage could benefit from DD. It has not been an easy subject to dive into. Neither one had ever heard of the lifestyle. We searched for the best description of what DD is, and what it is not. We led them to read the one you've written on here. Afterwards, we took them to the Learning to try" blog, Kay has a beautifully written piece on her site she wrote for a commenter about why she practices this lifestyle.

The one question they Both wanted answered is "why does this work?" We were asked this several times, and to be honest I just didn't have a good enough explanation for them. I was thinking that you are bound to have come up with a good answer over the years of talking with so many people. We simply admitted that we were not sure why this works, but that it does. Not a great answer and not the answer they were looking for. If you have a better one ...would you be willing to share it?

Thanks,
April

Clint said...

@April - No doubt Domestic Discipline is a difficult topic to bring up to another couple. It naturally leads to a lot of questions, some more difficult to answer than others, and the one you were stumped with is a good one to address. Thank you for asking your question.

There are a couple of reasons why DD works. The first one is based on basic fundamental psychology principles of behavior analysis. To simplify all the psychology mumbo jumbo (mumbo jumbo is a technical term :)), basically negative behaviors decrease in frequency when there are immediate consistent consequences for those behaviors. The same holds true with reinforcement. Upon immediate and consistent reinforcement of behaviors, the likelihood of those behaviors repeating increases. This has been proven time and time again by behavior analysts for decades and decades. This is THE fundamental principle of behavior analysis, and the reason why correcting negative behaviors with punishments works, and rewarding positive behaviors with reinforcements works.

That still sounded like psychology mumbo jumbo, but you get the idea. So that's reason number one as to why DD works.

Reason number two is my opinion, and hasn't necessarily been proven over and over again like reason number one has.

I firmly believe that MOST (not ALL) men are happiest when they are the provider, leader, and decision-maker for their home and family. This "role" gives them confidence and satisfaction in knowing they are doing everything they can for their families to live in happiness and harmony. There's a sense of pride in that for men. Men also love to feel needed and admired by their wife and children. DD helps them to feel all these things.

I also firmly believe that MOST (not ALL) women are happiest when they are the care-taker, the nurturer, and the keeper (as in cleanliness) of the home and family. This "role" gives them comfort and satisfaction in knowing they are taking care of their of their families in every way possible. Women also love to feel protected and cherished by their husband and children. DD helps them to feel all these things.

That is reason number two as to why DD works. Again the second one is my opinion, but I think it holds true for a lot of couples.

DD provides both of these things to a couple. Behaviors improve thanks to reason number one, which makes for a more safe and stable marriage and home. The emotional bond between husband and wife - not to mention overall happiness and harmony - improve thanks to reason number two. When "roles" are defined, there's less arguing, less dysfunction, less stress, more communication, more love, and more harmony thanks to reason number two. DD provides all these things to a couple.

I hope that answered your question and I hope it helps! Good luck with the challenge!

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I think DD works simply because it ends the power struggle.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (April 4th 6:43 PM) - Yes, that as well.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to say that I earned 3 spankings this week. The last one was for a significant misstep where I was disrespectful to my husband in public because I thought he wasn't respecting my feelings. I actually left him at a restaurant because I was angry and had my car with me. I was ready to argue with him about the situation, like we had done in the past prior to DD. But the second I got in my car, I realized that I had forgotten my promise to be submissive and to be respectful, and that no matter how I was feeling, I could have spoken to him about it in a respectful way. So instead of calling him to continue the arguing and hurtful language, I called to apologize. We spent the evening talking and connecting, instead of arguing. Then he spanked today and we continued talking and connecting. And I don't carry any more guilt or hard feelings about the situation--just love, respect, and a sore bottom. So that's what I think we get out of this lifestyle--quicker resolutions to problems, no lingering feelings, and a clear delineation of roles that allows us to determine how we want to treat each other. We both feel much closer and more loving with each other since starting DD.

j

Clint said...

@j - It sounds like DD is working well for you and your spouse. Thank you for sharing your experience with the readers. It's always nice to hear how DD is enhancing any given marriage.

All the best to you in the future, j.

-- Clint

April said...

Clint,

Thank you. Yes, you more than answered my question. I appreciate your thoughtful and detailed response.

Both my husband and I are partial to your reasoning number two. It almost sounds too simplistic, however it makes perfect sense to me. I had one of those 'ah ha' moments while reading it. Most likely will be more understandable for them than the psych mumbo jumbo (I like this ... My oldest is a psych major).

We both are of the mind that we should concentrate more on the concept of dd and how it strengthens the marriage, and focus less on the spanking. Those of us who live this, know that DD is about so much more than "spanking your wife for her flaws". However, this seems to be a block in the road for them. Could be it is normal for most couples hearing about DD for the first time, but since this sharing is a first for us as well, we aren't sure.

It is not a question of us necessarily trying to convert them .... At this point we aren't even sure that this lifestyle can help. We just know how it has changed our lives. We so believe in it that we are willing to step out of our comfort zone and give it a try. Sadly, they have already admitted to us that their next step is divorce.

Thank you again Clint for the great advice. I always appreciate that you put so much time and thought into your answers.

Happy Easter to you and your family.

April said...

Clint ...

Sorry, just one more thought.....
Once in front of this couple, I am not sure that I could articulate all you've said as well as you have. Given your advice about keeping them off the sites for now, would you have a problem with me copying, pasting and printing your response to my question?
I think it would help to have it in front of us for our next talk.

Clint said...

@April - You're most welcome for the advice, and yes you can absolutely copy and paste my response to share with this couple. I hate to hear that they're on the brink of divorce. Hopefully somehow someway you can help them to consider this lifestyle as a means of improving their strained relationship. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't - but I commend you for having the courage to try.

Sorry for the late response, by the way. Sometimes I fall behind. :( Thank you for your patience.

Good luck, and all the best to you, April.

-- Clint

April said...

Thank you Clint.
No worries on the response time .... I do not know how you keep up with this growing monstrosity. When we first found your blog, I believe it was all on one page. Bet you never could have imaged this?

Clint said...

@April - You're absolutely right - I never could have imagined the growth of Learning Domestic Discipline. I'm humbled by all the support and very appreciative of all the readers. Perhaps I've created a monster, but it's a monster I'm proud to be a part of. :)

Thank you so much for your patience, and your support of the site.

As always, I wish nothing but the best for you and your family April. Be well.

-- Clint

Anonymous said...

Nothing would induce me to suggest domestic discipline to another couple. I imagine most of the people I know would think I was bonkers. Why would I want to bring other people into the lifestyle anyway? It's not everyone's cup of tea, and I imagine the majority of people would be appalled at the very idea.

Clint said...

@Anonymous (May 9th 8:05 AM) - Why wouldn't you want to share DD with another couple that would benefit from it just as I'm assuming you and your spouse have? What aspect of your DD practices are you not proud of or comfortable with? Something is clearly keeping you from being completely comfortable with how you currently practice if you feel the way you do. I completely understand, I just find it unfortunate you have these conflicting feelings.

You're right - perhaps DD isn't everyone's cup of tea. However, I feel it's unfair to assume that about any given couple. They can decide. You don't have to decide for them.

Not everyone is comfortable with discussing Domestic Discipline. That's the biggest reason I called this a challenge. It's challenging. Not everyone can, or will, do it. You obviously don't have to. I'm not forcing anyone to do what they don't want to do. All this challenge is doing is asking for you to spread the word about DD. Not everyone is comfortable doing so. A struggling marriage that you could have potentially helped will continue to struggle and you'll be no better or worse off. Life will go on. No big deal. It's no sweat off your back, or mine. But I would hope that struggling marriage can find a way to improve after an opportunity passed it by simply because someone "imagined" and assumed they would be "appalled at the very idea."

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope you don't mind me sharing mine. I certainly wish you all the best in all that you do, anonymous commenter.

-- Clint

 
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