Sunday, February 5, 2012

February Couples Challenge - Addressing Faults

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We challenge those in domestic discipline relationships to identify their own faults and create a plan to correct them.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.


Anonymous said...

But, But, But... I was under the impression I was perfect did you have to break it to me this way? Say it ain't so Clint!! LOL

In all seriousness its a great challenge I look forward to doing it, Thanks for the Idea..

Anonymous said...

My biggest fault is the same as your wife's. I too, want to keep things peaceful and calm at home. I think this is ingrained in a woman from birth.. My mom always kept things stress free on the home front for my dad and tried to keep as many of our problems from him as she could. Although, our mothers meant well, I know this is not the healthiest for the woman or the marriage.
I am constantly working on this one.
Great challenge. Thanks Clint.

Sorry to hear that your son has been so sick. Hope he is feeling better soon.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@His Girl - I always hate being the bearer of bad news! :)

Good luck with the challenge! It's a tough one.

@Anonymous (February 7th 7:01 AM) - My wife certainly stuggles with it as I'm sure many others do as well. Step one is admitting it's a problem, then going from there to address it. Good luck with the challenge!

Thank you for the well wishes for our son. He's slowly but surely getting better. All the best to you!

-- Clint

A Mom of 6 said...

I'd have to point out that sometimes it is a lot better for everyone involved if you DO keep your opinions and feelings to yourself. I know for me that's a huge aspect of keeping the peace. I know a lot of us believe and know it's not terribly healthy, but it can make a huge difference between strife and calm.

Brief, to the point communication is what most husbands (in my experience) prefer. Go further than that, and life gets - well - interesting. I'm sure some in DD have found that to be the case when their rears get fried -- whoops, talked too much, backside sore, lesson learned!

It's a man's world in marriage. That's why we have girl friends. Men want their kids raised, their kids neat and tidy and clean, their kids well educated, their homes clean, their meals on time and their mending done. And they want you know what on a mostly regular basis. They aren't selfish, they're just preoccupied earning a living and keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table and the bills paid, and that's that. You want to talk, you find groups like this one or you find a friend....or you talk to yourself.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@A Mom of 6 - I appreciate your comment, but I have to disagree with you. While everything you said may be the case in your marriage, it's not in a lot of others.

Keeping emotions, opinions and feelings to yourself in a marriage can lead to the exact problems you have - distance between partners, poor communication, resentment, even fear of your spouse. I don't mean to be presumptuous since I only know you outside of a few comments, but it seems the lack of communication throughout the course of your marriage has made things progressively worse for you over time, which is why you come across as completely miserable. Had the communication been healthy from the start, these issues you're dealing with now would be much easier to address, or not exist at all.

A marriage is about working together to achieve common goals. Communication, whether the content of that communication is good or bad, plays a HUGE role in achieving those goals. You've made it clear you cannot communicate in a constructive fashion with your spouse, which is unfortunate. Until action is taken one way or the other, things will remain the same for you, which is once again very unfortunate.

You sound miserable. I hope you can find happiness at some point in your life. There's no shame in seeking local help in getting your marriage on the right track. Forget about the DD aspect - your marriage problems run much deeper than DD can correct. I've given you advice. Other commenters have given you advice. It's now in your hands to create happiness in your life, and I hope you can take those necessary steps. You deserve it, and more importantly, your children deserve it.

Good luck to you. I wish you nothing but the best.

-- Clint

Molded By Him said...

Hi Clint, As I'm being driven to another meeting, I thought I would finally ask you a question that has long been brewing in my mind. But first, thank you and Chelsea so much for your congrats on our wedding. I appreciate the time it took to do so. Blog friends can be just as loyal and caring as first person ones.

So, Clint I have to say I feel rather shy about asking but here goes: in some of these blogs I have read of "the Spencer Plan"; I then Googled it. Oh my. I cannot conceive of this as being appropriate in a Christian household. Would you mind sharing how you feel when the HoH has made a mis-step (similar to a spanking offense for us ladies; meaning how should the wife handle herself and the issue. I understand each issue must be evaluated but what approach would you suggest for me (as the wife) to use?

Luther and I are making nice strides in our DD (well, I should say I have been so much better at submitting, maybe not quite following my rules, but my submission to him feels better to me. He's truly taking an active role in leading me and is very firm but fair. I can't say I always like it but I'm certainly learning to be very respectful.

Clint, if I might ask a question for Chelsea to answer (if she would be so inclined): How long did it take for you to accept Clint's rules and preferences? Being newly married and making these transitions are giving me little bumps (I haven't said anything to Luther, yet - because these are my issues to understand and accept, he's been very fair (mostly) and does share his logic behind a rule. I understand that he does not need to do this, but I am very appreciative that he does.

Clint, do you think I should talk to L that I'm struggling a bit with my new rules? He hasn't asked or told me to do anything unreasonable, it's just making the changes...

Thank you both so very much for your kind replies on my previous questions and insight. We are both committed to making our marriage great through God's help.
Love, Isabella

ps Goodness, this is quite lengthy.Sorry.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Isabella - Don't worry about the length of the comment. Sometimes it take a lot of words to express one's self. I appreciate you taking the time to comment, since you ask a couple of great questions and I know it was hard for you to do given your shyness.

Like you, I disagree with the Spencer Plan approach within a marriage. I don't feel a marriage can have two HoH's. In short, I feel it would cause more problems than it helped.

When an HoH has a mis-step, the first thing I recommend he do is come clean about the mistake to his spouse. It's not easy to do, and that feeling of hesitation, guilt, remorse, etc. acts as the correcting influences to the HoH's future behavior. He should apologize about the mistake and do everything he can to make amends with his wife, as well as proactively correct his own behavior (however he feels is the best way to do so).

It's difficult to say how the wife should handle his confession of a mistake since every mistake is going to generate different feelings. The wife may be emotionally hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, etc. Each emotion carries a different response or way to handle it. Generally speaking, I recommend the wife be as calm as she can about the mistake, and be as understanding as she can. Nobody is perfect. Mistakes happen, and it takes a lot to admit them. So when an HoH (or wife for that matter) admits to them, it's quite powerful emotionally, generally. Be there for one another, discuss what happened at length (let him clearly know how it made you feel), and find it in your heart to forgive. It's important to support your spouse, even when they have a mis-step.

I do feel you should discuss your struggles with the rules with your spouse. The more he knows about how you feel, the better. Particularly when it comes to the DD aspect of your marriage. I preach communication more than anything on this blog. Definitely, without a doubt, keep the communication lines - about ANYTHING - open at all times.

I'll let my wife know about your comment, so she can answer your question to her. I hope these answers helped, and best of luck to you going forward.

-- Clint

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