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Learning Domestic Discipline
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Posted in: Talking About DD With Your Partner
LDD's Weekly Recap: July 29th - August 4th
11 years ago
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Getting the Husband on Board With Domestic Discipline
Posted in: Talking About DD With Your Partner
82 comments:
I'm curious if you have advice the way around. How does a man encourage his wife to give DD a try without coming across as a wife-beater or old fashioned tyrant?
Like the picture...
Clint, I really enjoyed this post and agree with you as the way to go. I had a disastrous experience with "Getting Dev on board" because I came about it at a completely different angle.
I found out about D/D thru a spanking novel and I tried to get Dev to read it and he didn't want to. He thought of it as porn. Oddly yes, he did. His reaction to reading the book confused me and made me feel like a Freak. Like he thought I was nuts. Seriously.
I had a minor mental breakdown.
After analyzing everything I realized that he wasn't against it so much as he was against reading a porn/romance novel.
So then, I finally did research...
And I brought it back to him much like you explained. I also added ways that he already did some of these things and the way it made me feel when he did.
So, anyway we are still new- but I wanted to back up your method- much more effective than my initial stab at it.
I knew if I brought DD to my husband that he would ask a ton of questions and I wouldn't get everything out that I wanted to say. Soooo, I wrote him an email detailing what I hoped DD would bring to our relationship and included posts from several blogs that resonated with me. It was twelve pages and it took a while to write, but long story short...success! We are now happily navigating this journey together.
such good advice - wish i had had this advice before i approached my hubby - but hopefully we are getting there slowly.
Great post, thanks for this
P.S. HOw do i follow this site ...im trying and trying but cant find how to follow you :(
@Anonymous (September 20th 10:53 PM) - Yes, I have advice on the other way around as well, but I think it would take another post entirely for me to explain it. I'll write a sister post to this one on how to get the wife on board with Domestic Discipline sometime in the near future.
@Christina - Thank you! I'm glad you like it. I thought it fit well.
@Pooky - Thanks for your comment, and thanks for supporting my advice. It sounds like your first attempt was a little rocky, but I'm happy to hear that you stuck with your belief in Domestic Discipline and were persistent in your efforts in getting your spouse on board. I'm sure you're seeing it was well worth your effort.
@lucy w - That's wonderful advice for the female readers and I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience. Thank you so much for your comment. It sounds like you did a wonderful job of discussing this with your husband, and I certainly hope things are going well for you two. All the best.
@Rogue - That's a different approach, but it sounds like it was an effective one which is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your experience on the blog. Another idea for other women to consider is always a good thing. I hope you and your spouse are doing well! I'll talk to you soon in the network, I'm sure. :)
@kiwigirliegirl - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the post.
On the home page of this blog, there is a "Followers" widget on the right hand side of the page. Log into your Google/blogger account and click "Join this site" within that widget. I think that should do the trick. Thank you for following!
-- Clint
I think the hardest thing IS explaining the "dynamic" to your husband. I'm so discouraged because I just can't find the right words. I really HOPE you post a detailed explination some day. What was it that finally made it "click" for you? You say you were very against it at first.
Ok....any body/every body. How about some specific examples of what to say to the resistant HoH..I have been trying for so long it seems and my husband just doesnt understand. He gets the HoH thing, but the DD just doesnt make sence to him.. I KNOW this life will make our marriage even better. I just cant find the words to explain why. I know the reasons are different for everyone. I just need some help please. He wont read blogs, he wants ME to explain it.
@Anonymous (September 22nd 10:17 AM) - Yes, I was very against it at first. It took months of discussing it with a DD counselor and months of convincing from my wife before I finally became willing to give it a try. I think the thing that sealed the deal on my willingness to give it a try was when I read the Bible verses I've included in my "What is Domestic Discipline?" post. Once I saw that God was okay with this, and my wife was okay with this, then I was much more comfortable with trying it. I wish you the best of luck in getting your husband on board. All the best to you!
@Anonymous (September 22nd 1:05 PM) - That's a very difficult question to answer since every HOH/husband is going to respond differently to what is said. The best advice I can give you is to speak from the heart, and make it clear that this is something you genuinely want in your marriage. That's the most important message to convey to your husband when discussing something like this.
I know that wasn't exactly what you were looking for, but it would take a new post entirely to have some sort of mock conversation about it.
I wish you the very best of luck in your efforts to get the husband on board with DD. All the best to you.
-- Clint
clint i was wondering if u could do a post on boot camp your sort of did but i think my wife needs it and im not sure how to do it she has been giving me a lot of attitude latley and not listening
@Anonymous (September 25th 5:58 AM) - Another commenter asked a similar question on a different blog entry, so I'll answer you as I answered that person.
I'm not comfortable with posting a boot camp entry on this blog simply because I think a lot of people would misinterpret it, or do it wrong and then hold me responsible. Something could go wrong, and if I'm not PERFECTLY clear on the blog entry about it, then it would be easy for others to put the blame on me. Boot camp is an intense experience, and one I just don't feel comfortable with discussing on a public blog.
With that said, if you're simply having attitude and listening problems with your wife, I don't feel boot camp is the answer for you anyways. There are numerous punishments discussed throughout this blog that could aid in getting a problem like that fixed. It's a common problem in marriages, and any number of punishments will get it fixed without having to resort to boot camp.
Best of luck to you!
-- Clint
@Lisa - Thank you for your comment. You really opened up within it, and I commend you for having the courage to do so.
Let me start by saying my answer has no personal agenda towards you, or how you chose to go about this particular situation. I understand this may have been a difficult circumstance for you with far more to it than what you've stated in the comment. So please don't take my answer personal.
I don't like the idea of divorce. In my opinion, marriage is a life-long commitment that a couple has with one another, and the vows given to one another should be honored forever. I understand relationships can have periods of extreme stress and discomfort, and there are always major challenges presented along the way, but divorce just isn't something I even think about. Again, that is in no way a personal attack on you, it is simply my opinion and I hope you take it as such. There is a lot about your particular marriage I don't know about, or need to know about, and I'm sure you and your then husband felt divorce was the best course of action for everyone involved, which is perfectly understandable. It happens.
Now, to answer your question, I would tell someone in this situation not to give up on the idea, but at the same time, don't be pushy with it. If a husband doesn't want to practice, find out why and address those concerns. He has reasons he doesn't want to, so it's best to identify those and see if you can alleviate them. My answer to your second question will never change - I feel a spouse should always stick by their man/wife regardless of the difficult circumstances or "suppressed feelings", as you put it. You made a life-long commitment to your spouse the second you said "I do." "I do" means forever. It doesn't mean "for a while until things get tough and I'm unhappy." The ONLY reason I feel divorce should even be considered is if there are some serious infidelity issues and there is no emotional attachment left whatsoever. There's an obvious disconnect if something like that is going on, and the one having the infidelity issues clearly has already mentally "divorced" their spouse.
Anyway, I went off on a tangent there a little bit, but I hope this answered your questions. Thank you again for your comment, and I wish you the best going forward.
-- Clint
I have taken the view that each couple finds what is best for them, and therefore don't criticize practices which I personally think are problematic when they are working for a particular couple. However, when I am seeing people becoming unhappy in this transition to domestic discipline, then I think it is only right to point how better results might be obtained.
BASIC PRINCIPLE: Wives must always remember that your husband craves your respect more than anything else. Examine everything you do or say to make sure that you are not saying something that implies disrespect.
It is important to recognize how easily the request to move to DD can come across as disrespect. If a husband has a certain style which he assumes you like enough to marry him, he can easily feel threatened by a request to radically change the dynamic of the marriage. Ironically, this request for the whole DD package can easily be perceived as an attack by the wife on the husband as he is.
For the wife who wants to move towards DD, I would recommend a gradual process. The first step is if a wife wants to be more submissive to her husband, she should start right away on her own. It is important to remember that the instruction is for wives to submit, not for men to dominate. Start asking his opinion about all things, and tell him how much you value his insights. Start running all of your purchases by him, and tell him you don't want to buy things without his input. Start praising him for his decisions. Ask him to help you with your problem areas, and take his suggestions seriously. Seek his input about everything in your life even if you can handle those things just fine by yourself. Once you start acting in this way, you should start praising your husband for all the benefits you have gained from starting to lean on him for help and guidance. Make a point of telling him how much you respect him and give good reasons for your respect. All of this will provide a foundation for making the case for DD and starting it off with the wind behind your backs.
Second, make it about you and not about your husband. I would recommend an approach such as this: "Honey, I know that I have many great attributes, and I have succeeded in making many positive changes on my own. However, there are a few things about myself that I want to change, but I haven't been able to change on my own. Are you willing to help me make those changes? (The husband will want to answer yes.) At this point, the wife can begin to discuss her need for accountability and immediate consequences. Keep the discussion focused on why punishments may help her overcome obstacles. Hold off on the whole trans-formative effects of DD at this stage. If you let it develop naturally, you may soon get the total changes you most desire. If you put too much on the table at once, especially things which make your husband feel insecure, you may end up with nothing but frustration.
Good luck to all in the challenging journey toward a successful marriage.
@James - Thank you so much for your comment. I agree with everything you said, and it was very well written and very helpful to those looking into this lifestyle. It's nice to get another HoH's perspective/ideas on Domestic Discipline topics. Again, I thank you, and I encourage any reader of this comment to read James' comment for another perspective.
All the best to you, James.
-- Clint
Thank you all so much. I really need dd to help me address some serious health concerns I have. After reading your advice here and applying your wisdom, I was able to effectively communicate with my husband. Last night he agreed to beginning DD. I'm so relieved and excited. I'm going to do my best to do what he tells me. I really want to get well and to please him. I hope he will find this site as helpful as I have.
@Anonymous (November 3rd 9:50 AM) - You're most welcome. I'm happy to hear you and your husband are moving forward with a DD relationship. I'm confident that you both will have a positive experience with it and I wish you nothing but the best.
-- Clint
I have been pussy footing around the issue of DD with my husband for several years but haven't been able to work up the nerve to be direct - I found a copy of LDD at the used book store but hid it for over a year - 3 days ago same husband told me that sometimes he wants to put me over his knee - I gave him the book and added your blog to his 'favorites' - now I am wondering if I've 'bitten off more than I can chew'...
@Anonymous (November 9th 1:14 PM) - Well I, for one, think that's wonderful! I give you a lot of credit for having the courage to give your husband those resources. I know you may be nervous about this, but I assure you DD is something that will undoubtedly enhance your marriage. I stand behind that statement 100%. There's no doubt in my mind you've made the right choice, and you'll learn that within the first week of practicing. I wish you the very best of luck with this, and congratulations in taking the first (and biggest) step in bringing this lifestyle into your home. It only gets better from here.
All the best to you.
-- Clint
I wanted to share three things that I started before asking my husband for DD. This all happened over the course of two years. First, let him take over control of my clothing. Each day, I pulled out about five items of clothing and asked him to take out anything he didn't really like. I explained that he was the one that I wanted to please with my clothes not anyone else. I also got a catalogue and asked him to pick out the bras and underwear he liked. (He got a different catalogue ;o ) Now he buys all of my clothes. Of course the transitions took a long time but it has really made him happy. If we are going to be together I will say, "Would you like to pick out what I'm going to wear?" He almost always does.
The second thing I did was to change my thinking about sex. I stopped worrying about myself. I decided that I would not focus on my pleasure but on pleasuring him. (Boy, I wish someone had told me how much better sex would be if I wasn't so worried about myself a long time ago.) I took notice of what he liked and did that. I even started doing something that repulsed me. I focused on the pleasure I was giving him. I can hardly believe it, but now it is something I love to do. I also got into the mindset at bedtime that I wasn't going to sleep. I focused mentally on getting ready to please my husband. I put on lingerie before coming to bed. Now he picks out what I am going to wear to bed. I climb in bed and ask him what i can do for him. We are having sex every night now and it has become my favorite part of the day. Afterward, I rub his back until he goes to sleep.
One thing I want to mention is that when you do something for your husband, you have to do it with no expectations of how he will react. When there are expectations and they don't happen, it gets ugly. This will make him nervous whenever you do something. He'll be worried that if he doesn't react the right way you will be upset. (Now wouldn't that spoil it for you if you were offered something and then had to be really careful that you responded in just the right way. I was guilty of that.) I learned that I was responsible, in a large part, for the fact that my husband wasn't HOH. I had reinforced in his mind that I was someone to be feared. It takes a long time to undo that kind of damage in marriage. And. Slip ups will set you back!
One other little habit that I try to keep up is to ask him each morning if there is anything that I can do for him that day. Then, I make it a priority. This helps him to see that it is safe to ask me to do things for him. Now now I'm sending him the message that anything I do during the day, the kids, the house, my job, takes a backseat to him. If I can't do everything, I tell him what needs to be done and let him choose which he thinks is most important. I might say, "We have a doctor's appointment scheduled. Do you want me to reschedule it so I can get the tires changed?" Of course he will say to keep the appointment unless the tires are dangerously thin.
The biggest change I make was to stop thinking "What about me?" Submission doesn't have room for that attitude. You need to be safe and take care of yourself , but submission is putting others before yourself.
About a month ago my husband agreed to start DD. The problem we are having is that he is unsure of himself when it comes to making rules. For example, he thinks I'm spending too much time reading about DD. Instead if just saying that he says things like, "I'm not really sure or I could be wrong, or I don't really know. " I told him that he doesn't need to know everything. He can just tell me what he wants and we will try it. If I have concerns, I will tell him." He's having a really hard time being assertive. I know that I am part of the problem. I have been critical of him in the past and he's very sensitive to upsetting me. I have been working really hard the past two years and rarely criticize him now. I make sure to show him how happy it makes me when he asks me or tells me to do things for him. I just don't know how to make him see that I need him to sound in charge even if he's unsure. I need him to make rules even if he makes mistakes. I
explained the whole thing about how we can make rules and consequences together. How can I get him to be straight forward and assertive with me? How can I encourage him to make rules and consequences?
Thanks
@Learning To Iron - I understand your problem, and it's certainly a difficult one to address. Aside from a having a serious heart-to-heart conversation with him about this, there isn't much else that can be done. From the sounds of it, he has been conditioned throughout your marriage to avoid confrontation with you (you've been the HoH, essentially), so of course changing the dynamic completely is going to be an extremely difficult and lengthy process. It starts with communicating, and then taking action.
I don't typically recommend boot camp to couples with only a month of DD experience, but perhaps boot camp would "reset" you both into the roles you both want to be in going forward in your marriage. Your husband needs to know you aren't going to resent him, or be critical of him, or be angry with him if he steps up and enforces the rules. You may need to be encouraging at first by saying things like, "I know I was out of line with my behavior. If you want to punish for it, I completely understand. Whether or not you punish me is up to you, but I'm sorry. I feel guilty about it, and I think I'd feel better if you did something about it, but that choice is yours." This is obviously a strong hint to him that you'd like him to step up and be the HoH you want him to be. He's going to need help and encouragement from you until he's confident enough in himself and his decisions to carry out the punishments as he sees fit.
Unfortunately there isn't a magic solution to this problem. I think a serious discussion about this issue with him would help, and I think boot camp would help as well. Those two suggestions are a great place to start.
Best of luck to you, and happy holidays to you and yours.
-- Clint
Clint,
Thank you so much for you advice. It hurt to hear you state that I had been the head of the household in the past. I knew it was true but having someone say it to me makes it hit home more. I have become so aware of the way my actions have hurt my husband and our marriage.I am so thankful for a chance to turn things around.
I'm glad to hear your suggestion about Boot Camp. I toyed with the idea if bringing it up to him but kept remembering your advice about waiting for more experience. I will spend some time praying about the best way to approach him on this issue.
I want you to know that even though ttwd seems so shocking and against any church teaching I have had, I have felt a great peace when praying for God to make this a reality in our marriage. I know you don't support saying this is mandated by God and I agree 100%. Your stance on that actually validates my feeling that God wants this for our marriage. (That and the fact that God caused my husband to be willing to start DD.) God never treats anyone in the Bible exactly the same way as anyone else. Why would our marriages be any different? I'm glad this is available to those of us who need it.
Thank you for your willingness to teach from your own experience.
Clint,
I am also wanting to do a boot camp to encourage my husband to really use DD in our marriage. We have been on and off for several months and I think my husband, like the last commenter just isn't "sure" of what to do and when to do it. I like the idea of a structured boot camp. What suggestions would you give for a very new couple. I understand the boot camp you have outlined is very intense and really not designed for a couple just starting out. I havent gotten the ebook yet, but I really want to very soon. I know you must have put and extreme amount of work and time into your book and its alot to ask, but I think MANY couples would benefit from a boot camp for beginners. I've seen several comments on here asking about that. It would be great if you would give us something to use so we can "introduce" our husband, or if the situation is reversed, introduce a wife to the concept with a "trial" weekend or something.
Thanks for everything you do here.
Clint,
First of all, I love this website. Secondly, I have debated the idea of DD in my head for a few years now. I have given my boyfriend (of 5 years) hints, but I have never actually brought it up per se. I;m not sure how to, it was pounded into his head as a child that touching a woman is physical abuse, and although your article is helpful I am still not sure about my approach in order for him to see that this is abusive. He knows that I was in an abusive relationship before him and I'm not quite sure how to explain to him that this is different. I have even gone as far as writing out a contract with our roles explained in detail. Sorry if this is lengthy, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
~M
help, my wife follows this blog alot. we have been practicing off and own for nine years but she is so good very seldom do i have to correct her. she ahs been asking for attitude adjustment spanking I am not real comfortable with this. so last night we had planned to spend some alone time if you know waht I mean. I have been work alot of over time 12 hour shifts seven days a week for months. when I came in this morning at 4 a.m. I was exasted. She turned into a monster slamming doors and turning lights on and out of control with her mouth. She has an unbelievable pain threshold. And I was angry so I went back in to work instead of punishing her. I think she is pushing me so I will administer more spankings. And believe you me I want to. I admit I am not consistent. But she is trying to provoke me. HOw hard and long do I spank her. To me she ask for it. I just have a real hard time spanking her.
Correction: Not abusive, I don't know how to make him see that this is NOT abusive. Sorry about that!
@Learning to Iron - I didn't mean to say hurtful words to you, and if they were hurtful, I certainly apologize for that. That was not my intention at all. I was just trying to explain how the marriage dynamic can take some time to change when a marriage has been "operating" the same way for numerous years. That's all. I didn't mean to offend you in any way.
As I said in the previous comment to you, I do think boot camp would be helpful to you and you can modify it in a manner that will work best for you and your spouse. You have the rest of your lives to work together, and I think boot camp is a good way to jump start that process to get your marriage going in the direction you want it to. And, personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with asking/praying for Gods help as you move forward. That's your right, and He is there for you when you need Him the most. I don't see a problem with taking advantage of that.
Good luck to you!
@Anonymous (December 19th 6:03 AM) - You're right - there have been a few beginner couples requesting a modified "beginner" version of boot camp. Perhaps I'll write a post on it in the near future. Honestly I wouldn't change TOO much from what is outlined in the book, but I would decrease the number of mandatory spankings sessions. The recommended number is four, but beginners should reduce that number to two per day. I wouldn't remove the homework assignments though. This is a condensed, brief recommendation on how to modify boot camp for beginners, but like I said, I'll consider a more detailed post on it to be written sometime soon.
Thank you for the kind words, and good luck to you in the future!
-- Clint
@M - It's common for men to be hesitant when considering Domestic Discipline in their relationships/marriages. Don't fault your boyfriend for that. It doesn't sound like you are, but I still felt compelled to include that in my response to you. I'm sure the idea sounds a little crazy to him, which is perfectly understandable. Just be delicate with his feelings on that.
Have you shown him this website? I've done my very best to convey the message to readers that DD doesn't have to be "controlling" or "kinky" or a "fetish" or anything of the sort. I've done my best to convey that DD can be practiced very lovingly, without all the "bad" misinterpretations that commonly come with it. Perhaps reading this website will help him understand that this truly is a loving practice intended to enhance the marriage.
The bottom line is he needs to understand how you feel about DD, and how to go about bringing it into your relationship in a way that YOU are accepting of. He's worried about how you are going to respond the first time he spanks you, particularly given your past. He also needs to know that you won't be angry with him, or resent him, or "lash out" in any way when he punishes you. Expressing these things aren't easy to do, and are different for everybody. I'd find a way to help him feel comfortable with those two things. Once you do that, he'll be much more open to the idea of doing this.
I don't know if that answer was helpful or not, but I'd start by giving him some reading material that YOU agree with, and reading material that closely represents how YOU want DD to be done within your relationship. That may be this site or it may be another, but I would start with that and go from there.
Good luck to you!
@desperate husband - If you feel her behavior warrants a spanking (and for what it's worth, I would spank for that behavior), then you need to spank. When you do NOT spank, it sends the message to her that this is acceptable behavior, and it will increase the likelihood of her repeating it. I understand you were exhausted and had to return to work, but doing nothing at the time of infraction only makes matters worse long term.
How "hard and long" you spank her is up to you. Unfortunately I cannot make that decision for you. All I can suggest is that you spank until she is crying, but I don't know how "hard and long" that would be for you two. Every couple is different. I know it's difficult to spank, but if you want this behavior to stop, I'd recommend you spank as soon as you can after the behavior is exhibited.
I wish you the best of luck to you.
-- Clint
Clint,
Your words didn't hurt me. For some reasons it sounds more powerful coming from someone else. It was a good thing for me to hear you say it. It will reinforce my efforts to avoid those bad habits in the future.
I am very thankful for all of the time you take to give advice to those of us trying to improve our marriages,
You have already been a blessing to our marriage.
I have a few questions. First of all, my boyfriend and I are new to this, although I have been reading and thinking about a relationship like Dd for a long time. My interest grew out of spanking fantasies. When I decided I needed to have spanking in any long-term relationship, I decided that it was not just spanking that I wanted but the whole Dd package. The problem is that my bf of 5 months is willing to spank, but he seems to be afraid to hurt me. (We are in our late 40s.) He stops if I make any sort of real moan. I have encouraged him to go harder, and he has, but it is still much less than I could take. I don't mind if it is not as hard as I think I need. I am happy anytime he is willing to spank me, as I see it as a long journey that we are just starting. I even felt like I was making it seem too important - talking about it too much - so I have backed off from asking for any sort of spanking activity. He has continued to jokingly threaten a spanking, which I think is good, but he hasn't spanked me since early November. (He was gone for a few weeks in December.)
I really don't do anything that deserves a spanking. Maybe I do things that might seem disrespectful to him, though I don't mean any disrespect. I need him to spank me occasionally so that I will consistently show him respect by deferring to him in my overall attitude and demeanor. He can tend to defer too much to me, and I easily become sort of "in charge" when that happens. It just comes naturally to me, so that is what we have to resist.
How do I get him to take on the idea of hurting me and seeing me in pain during a spanking? Do I need to emphasize that there can be other discipline methods like bedroom time or corner time, so that the spanking is simply one of several options? Should spanking be a punishment that is given when the milder options do not work? Does that make it easier to give your wife or gf a hard spanking? For the record, he uses his hand for a warmup, then a round leather paddle. All of this has been OTK, seated on the foot of the bed. I'd like him to use his belt, moderately hard, but I have never told him that.
I have given him two short books on how to spank and how to take a spanking (so he would understand my mindset). He hasn't had time to read much of them. I pointed out my favorite passages, so that he would understand me better.
Any help you can give us would be appreciated. - Jenn
We are giving it a try. And the other day, I asked him how he felt after he did the spanking. And he said it made him feel kind of abusive. How do I make him feel otherwise?
@Learning to Iron - That's very kind of you to say, thank you. I hope things are going well for you.
@Jenn - I can understand your boyfriend's apprehension. It's not an easy thing to get adjusted to for anyone, but his willingness to give it a try for you is a positive sign. I'm sure it's not easy for him to do.
I would start by explaining to him the importance of pain and subsequent crying from a spanking. I've indicated why those two things are important in numerous places on the blog, but just to recap - pain is important to act as the deterrent from repeating poor behaviors in the future, and crying is important to release the emotions of guilt, sorrow, disappointment, etc. for the wife (or girlfriend, in your case). It may take a lot of reassurance and encouragement on your part, but I think the sooner you can help your boyfriend understand those two things, the sooner he'll increase the intensity of the spanking as you want and need him to do.
To address your questions, yes I would make sure he's aware of alternate punishments (corner time, removing privileges, bedroom time, etc.) and let him know spanking is really for only the most dangerous/detrimental behaviors. Spanking doesn't have to be the designated punishment for every offense. In fact, I recommend it is NOT for every offense. Spanking should be reserved for only the most serious of offenses.
If the milder options are not giving results, then an escalation in the punishment should be done. That doesn't necessarily always HAVE to be a spanking, but some form of escalation. I wrote an entry on corner time escalations that illustrate this, or the length of bedroom time could be increased, or additional privileges could be removed..there are a number of ways to escalate punishments without having to spank. However, spanking should be regarded as the most serious punishment, or highest escalation of a punishment, in a DD relationship.
What this boils down to is communication, and giving your boyfriend reassurance that this is what YOU want. Encourage him to escalate the punishments as you feel they need to be so you both get the full benefit from them. It may take some time, but the more reassurance you give him, the more open he will be to improving upon this problem.
I hope that all made sense to you, and I certainly hope it helps. Good luck!
-- Clint
@Anonymous (January 10th 1:14 PM) - I'd recommend you regularly reassure him that this is what you want in your marriage, and remind him that you've consensually agreed to it, and you feel safer, more loved, and more respected as a result (if that is in fact how you feel). Be supportive of him, listen to him when he expresses his feelings on this, and essentially be a support system for him when it comes to his feelings on DD. Stroke his ego to give him more confidence with practicing, and like I said, give him regular reassurance that this is what you're looking for in your marriage.
I think once he sees how much DD in your marriage means to you, he'll feel better about wanting to incorporate it into your marriage, and over time he'll gradually become more and more comfortable with practicing over time.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
-- Clint
Ok thank you so much! I enjoy your blog very much, and you make everything to the point. I'm looking forward to reading more in the future! Thank you again, Clint!
after talking to my husband about this, he said he was going to give it a try and really talked like he was commited. but when i eventually fell short of what his "expectations" of me were, he never followed through with the discipline. he didn't even stand up for himself when i did acct innapropriately. do you think my husband just doesnt have it in him to be the leader of our home?
I've been interested in this kinda thing since I started dating my husband at age 15. He was very dominating and would spank me even before marriage because he saw that for some reason I responded really well to it. The problem is he doesn't understand that what I'm craving is structure not just pain. It's not just some disgusting bdsm game to me. When we started I was so young I didn't understand my need to be submitted and was confused enough to believe that I was just freaky, something he still believes about me. It's like, there's been times when he just spanked me for punishment when I needed it but then he'll just quit and then months later spank me for no reason other than that "I like it", which isn't true because what I like is the idea of him loving me enough to take control not getting spanked but I'm so desperate for any kind of discipline that I try to tell myself that I like it but I don't I hate it. The older I get the more bitter I become. I nag him now, and argue and scream at him. I don't want to be like this. I'm scared. I don't know how to show him the difference between dd and bdsm. It's so obvious to me I don't know how he doesn't get it. Is it even possible to switch over from this to a healthy dd marriage or are we already to corrupted?
I'm sure Clint will be able to make some great suggestions for you. In the mean time, I thought I would ask you if you are submissive to him now? Are you eager to please him? Do you try to do what you know he wants even if he doesn't ask? Do you criticize him and question his judgement often? In other words what is your marriage like? How do you relate to each other? The more information you share, the better advice you will receive.
It sounds like you are really hurting. I'm truly sorry. I hope you will be able to make some changes that will make both of you happy.
Also check out the blogs Clint follows on the left. You might gain so great insight there.
I try to be good but it never works. He's always disappointed in me. He says I'm lazy...I guess I am. I have trouble paying attention to things. I want to make him happy so he'll be proud of me but then I just get frustrated and this blind rage takes over and I push him further away, he gets all quiet like I'm some kind of lost cause and I say I'm sorry and he says its cool but the way he looks at me it's like he doesn't believe I can change. I know I'm not supposed to argue with him and I hate myself a little for it but when it's happening it's like I don't realize what I'm doing until it's gone to far and then nothing can fix it. we just walk away from each other and try not to talk about it but the damage is there. I'm only 23 and I'm already turning into a miserable old shrew. I want him to be in charge but there's this part of me that would rather die than accept defeat and I can't control it. I think if I could explain it to him he'd want to help but he's so shut down to anything I say at this point that I know he wouldn't even try to listen.
@Anonymous (January 12th 9:28 PM) - My pleasure, thank you, and good luck! :)
@Anonymous (January 14th 11:56 PM) - I wouldn't necessarily say your husband "doesn't have it in him" to be the leader of your home - it just takes some time to become completely comfortable with Domestic Discipline. Many husbands are reluctant at first, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that whatsoever. It's difficult for a LOT of men, even with the love, support, and 100% consent from their spouses.
If you truly want DD a part of your marriage, I'd encourage you not to give up on it. You'll need to work with and encourage your husband (reading my response to a previous commenter on January 12th at 10:16 AM may help) regularly to help build his confidence in being the leader of the home. I wouldn't give up so easily - just be understanding and supportive, and I think at some point down the line he'll open himself up to it.
Good luck!
@Anonymous (January 16th 6:39 AM) - Without a doubt you can transition into a healthy, structured way of practicing Domestic Discipline - but it will take a lot of committed work and a lot of time.
The first thing I'd recommend you do is help your spouse understand the entire DD dynamic by providing information to him about it. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to show him THIS site, but one(s) that you believe in, that you agree with, and one(s) that closely mirrors the way you want this practice to be done within your relationship. He needs to understand that DD is more than just punishments and spanking. There's love, support, structure, understanding, communication, and numerous other aspects that are all a part of a healthy DD lifestyle.
Have you discussed your desire for structure with your husband? Have you discussed how spanking isn't just something that you "like" anymore? He needs to hear from you how you feel, otherwise he isn't going to know this is bothering you and thus cannot change things. I would have this conversation with him and get everything out on the table if you haven't done so yet.
Don't get discouraged. You and your husband can work together to find what works best for you both. Right now what you two are doing isn't working for you, from the sound of it. It's about compromise, communication, and working together to achieve common goals between you both within your marriage. It can be done, but you're going to have to commit to working at it until it's where you want it to be.
I hope this all made sense to you, and I wish you the very best of luck.
-- Clint
@Anonymous (January 16th 11:39 AM) - I understand how you feel, but please don't be so hard on yourself. Everything will be alright. You've taken the first and perhaps the most important step - admitting your faults and having the desire to correct them. That isn't easy to do sometimes and I truly commend you for it.
If your spouse is "so shut down to anything [you] say at this point that [you] know he wouldn't even try to listen", I'd consider writing him a letter or an email or something of the sort. Perhaps expressing yourself in writing will help him to take it more seriously. Taking the time and effort in doing something like that says a lot about your desire to change, and your desire for his help in making that change. Communication is key in situations like this, so I encourage you to keep trying to get through to him so things can improve as quickly as they can in your relationship.
Good luck to you. I certainly wish you the best in getting your relationship back on the right track. It's never to late to do so.
-- Clint
Thank you Clint, I have typed him a letter. after studying this blog for a few days I've noticed my attitude has already improved so much that I've been getting all my chores done everyday for like 4 days! He even mentioned this morning that he's really proud of me and doesn't know what changed but he's worried that saying something might've like jinxed it and that I'm gonna go back to normal now. lol.I hope not. So now I just have to work up the nerve to show him my letter.
@Anonymous (January 20th 3:42 AM) - Great job! I'm proud of you as well! That's terrific news! Keep up the great work. :)
I'd love to hear back from you about how the letter presentation went. I certainly hope it helps. You're already on the right track. Good luck!
-- Clint
I am very interested in having my husband and myself try DD. However, we are not Christian, and I cannot find any other sites other than Christian sites to guide us. Do you have any suggestions or recommendations that I could look into?
Thanks.
~Allie
@Allie - Unfortunately I do not have any website recommendations I'm comfortable with offering you that are not Christian based. I'm sorry I'm not much help.
I've mentioned Christian scripture and principles on this site before, however I've done my best to convey the message that this lifestyle doesn't necessarily have to be Christain based. While my wife and I are Christian, I try to write in a way that does not force any specific religion on anyone when incorporating this lifestyle into their marriage. I welcome couples of any religion to the site and encourage the lifestyle in the same manner to any and all people, regardless of their beliefs.
I wish you luck in finding what it is you're looking for. All the best to you and yours.
-- Clint
Clint -- Thank you for your response. I have been following your site and I agree that your messages are helpful for all people, regardless of belief systems. Now, I just need to get up the courage to talk to him about it! When I do, I will be referring him to this site. Thanks!
~Allie
Clint -- This site is fantastic, thank you, I have a new partner who has just brought the DD into our very new relationship. DD has been part of her life for a long time and she is a long time subscriber/follower of your site.
For me it is something I had never heard of before and now because of your site I have been able to read, understand and accept what DD is all about. I am very open minded and just want to get it right for this new fantastic woman in my life.
I have read and reread all of your categories. She is happy for me to come on board in my own time and we are just starting to make some rules together, nothing else has been done yet.
I am a career soldier and used to disciplining my men and my recruits, I have 2 grown up children, who I used to discipline but have never disciplined a partner.
Is there any further advice that could be passed on to someone just coming into the world of DD? Thanks
CJ
@Allie - You're most welcome. Good luck!
@CJ - Welcome to a DD lifestyle, and thank you so much for your kind words about the site. I'm so glad to hear that it's helped you understand what this lifestyle is all about.
I do have a couple of tips for someone like yourself just starting out with the lifestyle. First, take it slow and discuss ALL rules and expectations before even starting with the discipline/rewarding. Your partner has a right to know what to expect, and what she's "signing up for", so get all of that out on the table first and have a complete understanding with one another on how this lifestyle is going to be done in your relationship. Don't rush into things before you're both ready.
Second, understand that the whole lifestyle is a work in progress. As you do things, you'll shape and mold how they're done in a way that works best for you both in your relationship, as you should. Nobody starts this lifestyle knowing exactly how to do it, or exactly how their partner is going to respond to punishments. Work together and communicate with each other on all aspects of DD.
Third, be consistent with the lifestyle. Your partner wants this, and she's counting on you to be consistent with everything. Before even starting, make sure you are confident you can be consistent because this is probably the biggest problem for couples in DD relationships/lifestyles, and it causes issues. Consistency is key.
Last, never forget to remind your partner how important she is in your life, and how much she means to you. If you punish and punish and punish, it can get demoralizing for her, so just be sure to incorporate positive things regularly as well so everything balances out.
I hope these tips help! Best of luck to you and again, welcome to the lifestyle. Also, my sincerest gratitude and respect goes out to you for your services in the military. Thank you for all that you do for our country.
All the best to you and yours, CJ.
-- Clint
Hi Clint,
I have a good marriage, but I feel like it could be better. I believe that I would have more respect for my husband if he took a head of the household role and lately I have been actively trying to persuade my husband into trying domestic discipline. I feel like I have tried everything. We have talked about it. I told him why I feel like I need it. What I think the benefits would be. I introduced him to your website and sent him several emails from others and nothing. I'm ready to give up, but think that this is something I really want to try. I'm feeling really frustrated and don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Should I just give up?
@Anonymous (May 7th 5:08 PM) - It sounds to me as though you're doing everything correctly, and everything I would recommend. I wouldn't necessarily "give up" completely, but perhaps now just isn't the right time for your marriage. You don't want to force your spouse into doing anything he isn't comfortable doing. You can always revisit the idea of DD later in life. At this point, I'm sure your husband understands what you want and what the lifestyle is all about. I wouldn't keep bothering him about it in the coming months. However, with that said, I wouldn't completely dismiss the idea forever, and I would recommend you sort of put the idea "on the shelf" for now until a better time presents itself.
I hope things will work out for you in the end. I don't mean to force any kind of spiritual belief on you by any means, but I don't think it would hurt to pray to whatever God you believe in and ask Him to help your husband see the benefits of the lifestyle. That isn't something you have to do by any means whatsoever, but I don't think it make anything worse.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there.
-- Clint
Thanks for your honest answer. Too bad there is no magic button, that would make things so much easier!
My husband and I are both Christians, so believe me when I say I have been praying!!!
Thanks again,
B
@B - It's my pleasure, B. I know it's frustrating for you but I trust that things will work out in the end.
Good luck to you in all that you do.
-- Clint
I've already taken the leap and talked to my hubby about DD. But now I'm running into a couple of problems.
First, he's inconsistent with it. I have certain habits that he says bother him, but he will ignore them one day and then punish them the next. Yes, I should stop, but it's subconscious, like biting my nails.
Second, I have expressly asked for his help on certain behaviors--especially swearing and the tone in which I speak to him. But I get no response from him.
I think, to generalize, the problem we've hit is that my husband has lost his "alpha" in the past few years. He says (in a nutshell) I'm already well-behaved (apparently my shopping sprees--which have totaled $500 in one day, btw) don't seem to be a problem for him.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm on my own, though. He won't say anything, and I feel like he's asking to be a doormat! From a man's perspective, what do I do??? I need my husband to step up and take on his responsibility, but he doesn't seem to know how to step into that role. Any suggestions??
Hi Clint!
It's Allie again, from a couple of months ago. I asked about non-Christian sites and I have been using your site as a basis. I finally got up the courage to ask my husband about trying DD. I took your advice and waited until he was in a good mood (and until I had done about a month of research and thinking it over). I explained to him that I completely trusted him and his decisions and that he has always made the best decisions for us. I told him how disappointed I have been in how I act sometimes towards him and then I cited specific examples. Then, I said that there is something called "domestic discipline" that could help our marriage and my attitude. We have been together for 12 years, and over the last 6, we are growing further apart. I told him that the internet has some fetish type sites and some very religious type sites, and I wouldn't see us doing either, but instead coming up with a list of rules that would help our marriage. Then, he could decide on rewards and punishments and I would trust him to make the best decision for us.
He said no. He said that I was smarter than having to have rules and be punished.
I tried to explain that it's not about being smarter than anything, it is about having a reminder to be respectful and harmonious in a marriage and consequences when I am not. He then reminded me that there are already consequences, like after we argue, we feel hurt, further apart. I told him "exactly! I don't want to feel further from you; I would rather be punished for my cussing, disrespect and any other infraction, then be forgiven and go on." He said that just takes time.
The thing is....I didn't even bring up spanking. This is literally all I said to him. I didn't even get upset or cuss or anything. I also told him that the domestic discipline suggestions have been helping me understand respect in a marriage, and he even admitted that I had been more respectful lately.
It has been a 2 months now. I just recently lost my temper again, was yelling, cursing and being a general pain. After it was over, I couldn't stop thinking, if he would just punish me or spank me, I wouldn't feel like that behavior was acceptable again.
I haven't brought it up again. I really want to wait again until the time is right. I know I wrote a lot, but you and your wife's blog have been very helpful. Any advice? Do I re-approach this? I appreciate your help.
~Allie
@Anonymous (May 25th 3:13 PM) - I think the first thing you need to do is ask your husband if he truly wants this lifestyle anymore. It almost sounds as though he's not interested in continuing on with a DD marriage, which would certainly be unfortunate. If he's completely lost the desire to be in a DD marriage or to be a good HoH, there isn't a whole lot you can do. He has to want it.
If he DOES want the lifestyle, and if you have not done this already, you need to respectfully and politely express to him that you would like him to put forth a little more effort in making your home and marriage better by having DD a part of it. Talk to him about how it makes you feel when he's inconsistent, and how it makes you feel when he does enforce the rules. Lay it all out there for him.
If all else fails, I'd consider boot camp. Your husband has to agree to boot camp of course, but boot camp would really make your husband step up and consistently enforce the rules.
I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
@Allie - Hello again Allie! It's wonderful to hear from you again. :)
It sounds like you've done everything right, and I commend you for that. You've expressed how you feel to him, you've talked about the benefits of the lifestyle with him, etc. You've done pretty much all you can do at this point. You obviously can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.
Have you given him any Domestic Discipline materials to read? It doesn't have to be my blog necessarily, but I would suggest, when the time is right, to present him with anything that you agree with or envision being a part of your marriage for him to read over. This may help him understand what it is you're looking for a little bit better.
You may also want to bluntly tell him that if he would just hold you accountable in some fashion for your yelling, cursing, and "being a general pain", it would happen a lot less frequently.
Other than that, I don't have any further suggestions for you. You've done your part. You can re-approach it with him, but I would suggest doing so delicately. You don't want to nag him or annoy him about this. Just ask him if he has given any more thought to the idea. If he has, great. Talk about it. If he hasn't, you can ask him to think about it. If he HAS thought about it and definitively makes it clear that he does NOT want to practice DD ever, then let it go. It's over at that point. Until you reach that point, I think it's alright to re-approach the idea with him every now and again if you truly want it a part of your marriage.
Good luck, Allie. I hope things work out for you in the end. All the best.
-- Clint
I came across this blog about 3 months ago now and it has literally changed my life and my marriage. I started living as if we already had a dd marriage. My husband saw and appreciated how different I was and how much better our relationship was and came on board with the idea pretty quickly. Yes, at first he was afraid of hurting me during a spanking. The first few spankings were pretty tenative and light. Then he saw that I was okay and nothing bad happened. Just the opposite in fact. Now, just a few months later, he has become a very effective "spanker". It's like spanking me is just something he was born knowing how to do. He has also recently become very good at being able to tell when I need a spanking to prevent me from going off on a tangent. It's almost scary how he knows almost before I do. Sometimes, I think I should be careful what I wish for, cause I got it and then some :0 Personally, I have come to believe that men are just hardwired to be dominant and spank and women are wired to accept it and benefit from it. Across my husbands knee feels like home to me as strange as it may sound. I have a feeling though, there are several of you who understand just what I mean. So ladies, be sure this is the lifestyle you want and then just start living it. Good luck to everyone!
Thank you Clint! I will be printing out some of the domestic discipline materials and wait to show him when the time is right. I certainly do not want to nag him or make him feel like I am being a brat about this. I also will be doing my best to live like we already have a DD marriage so that he can see the benefits of my improved attitude (as the previous commenter suggested).
I have read a lot of different sites and comments and I feel like I would not be a wife that would need a lot of punishment. I am generally responsible and appreciative. However, I do need help with the yelling and cussing when I do get upset (which happens about every other month or so). I agree that he should hold me accountable for this and I should not be questioning his decisions like I do sometimes, because he is always more mature than me and he always makes the best decisions for us. I know I would hate to actually be punished, but I feel like if I was punished, I would remember the pain on my backside before I become a pain!
I will bring it up when the time is right and ask if he has put any more thought into it. From our conversations lately, I do not think he has because our original conversation only lasted 5 minutes, and there has been no hint or references to the original conversation.
Thanks again! Here's to hoping for a more harmonious marriage -- whether we decide on DD or not!
~Allie
Hi it's Allie again. I was thinking about something I could bring up to my husband when the time is right to re-approach. I think what has appealed to me about DD is that we have some aspects of DD already in our marriage. He often has to lecture me about my attitude and rolling my eyes at him. I used to argue with him more during the lecture and then realized later that he was right about how I acted. Now, since finding this site, I listen during the lecture and try to improve my behavior for next time. He also has me do a form a bedroom time (no TV, no phone, etc) if I need to calm down from losing my temper. He also has taken away some privileges from me if I am spending too much time & energy elsewhere. So, the only 2 techniques I feel that we have not used are corner time and spanking. I guess I feel strongly about this because even though I seem to have some resemblance to a DD marriage and some form of consequences, I do not feel the closure and forgiveness that other women feel after being disciplined. So, just a thought...by bringing up how we are already doing some of the DD parts, we could also incorporate corner time and spanking when my temper seems to flare out of control. I know spanking is only for serious offenses, and since I really don't commit serious offenses other than my temper and bad attitude sometimes, I would leave it up to him to spank or not. Well, that is what I would like to bring up when the time is right. Along with the reading materials. Do you think this is a wise decision to bring up how we already do some of DD or should I just give him the reading materials? Thanks again.
~Allie
@Anonymous (June 12th 11:06 AM) - Wow, your story is fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing it. It always puts a smile on my face to hear how DD has positively impacted a marriage. :)
Congratulations on a happier, healthier, and more harmonious home and marriage. Perhaps your story will inspire a few wives to follow your model of success. All the best to you going forward.
@Allie - You know, it's funny you mention that you already have some aspects of a DD dynamic in your marriage. It's funny to me because I think a lot of couples do and they just don't want to admit it. Even if a husband takes a debit/credit card away for a day, that's a form of DD. Anyway, I won't get into that much further but I think a lot of marriages have aspects of DD without even realizing it. :)
To your question, yes, I think it's a good idea to point out that your marriage already has some DD aspects within it when you discuss this with your husband again. I think it will help him to better understand the dynamic, and be more comfortable with potentially accepting this lifestyle as a whole knowing he already does it in some fashion.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! Good luck. :)
-- Clint
Clint, Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad I shared my story if it caused you to smile for a minute. Considering how much your blog has done for me I feel happy to have been able to repay you in even such a small way. It continues to amaze me how much time and effort you put into helping total strangers.I'm glad you do though!
The idea that my story could possibly benefit anyone else makes ME smile.
I also wanted to add that living "as if" gives the wife a chance to really see what the lifestyle is about. I didn't really think about it until I started living it, but a dd marriage is 24/7, not just when you feel like it. You don't get the day off when you're in a bad mood, have pms, didn't get enough sleep, feel sad, sick or any other excuse. It is very challenging to be respectful when you just don't feel like it. I can't always do it, (which is why I find myself across my husbands knees sometimes). To me, the benefits of a dd marriage far exceed the drawbacks. Just want people to realize it's not always easy. Sorry for such a long comment.
Again Clint, thank you for all you do,
Cowgirl Up
@Cowgirl Up - I love the name you've given yourself! Very nice. :)
You're absolutely right about the lifestyle being a 24/7 commitment. I think we all have our bumps in the road at times, but that's how we learn more about ourselves, and our marriages. Thank you, once again, for your inspiring story.
I also want to quickly thank you for your recognition on the time and effort I put into the blog. I'm glad it's appreciated, and so long as it continues to be appreciated, I'll be happy to continue helping those that need/want it. Thank you so much.
All the best, Cowgirl Up!
-- Clint
I'm really shocked by this article. You seem believe that a HOH is always the husband. It's really misogynistic. I'm a wife and the head of the house. My husband has to be respectful, and I punish every mistake or by attitude by a good spanking or another punishmemt, like you make with your wife.
I like your blog, it gives me a lot ideas for my husband's discipline. For example : silent spanking, mouth soaping, and the use of the strap. It's the same duty for a woman or a man when you're the HOH. Why you don't speak about male submissive ? It's not a shame to a husband to have submit spanking and discipline by his wife.
Elisabeth
@Elisabeth - If you and your husband choose to be in a female led relationship, that's wonderful if it works for you both. I'm in no position to judge any couple that chooses to practice Domestic Discipline using the FLR dynamic, particularly if it brings them happiness.
I do not speak about male submission on this blog since that particular dynamic does not agree with my personal spiritual beliefs. It's no secret that I am a Christian man with Christian beliefs, and while I'm certainly not a shining example of spiritual perfection, I strive to be the best Christian man I can possibly be at all times. Male submission is not recognized as a Christian practice. Again, I'm not passing judgment on you or your husband or anyone else who chooses this dynamic, and I am not pushing any religious belief on you whatsoever, I'm simply answering your question as honestly as I can. I'm also NOT saying that any couple in a FLR is a poor example of a Christian. Please don't take my response in such a way. I'm not one to argue scripture interpretation, I'm just giving you my view. This is strictly my PERSONAL choice, and my PERSONAL opinion on the matter.
I hope this answers your question and I wish you and your husband much happiness going forward into the future.
-- Clint
Hi Clint! I have a question. If a couple has tried DD in the past and it hasn't taken off for one reason or another and they want to give it another chance, are "clean slate spankings" a good idea since both parties are already familiar with DD basics?
Terri
@Terri - You ask a great question Terri. I think it depends on the couple of course, however I would recommend doing so to put all past "issues" behind you both and begin a fresh new start with the lifestyle. It will help both spouses to feel better emotionally about the past "issues" as well.
Also, I think it's important to conduct just ONE spanking, albeit a relatively serious one, regardless of the number of past "issues" that were not addressed prior. I would NOT conduct numerous spankings for multiple past "issues." I would recommend just conducting one spanking, a fairly serious one, and move forward as if to begin a new life together, so to speak.
Good luck to you and welcome back to the DD lifestyle! I wish you nothing but success with the lifestyle this time around.
-- Clint
Hi Clint
I am so unhappy.
We have tried DD for a very long time.
I was so happe and felt very much in love with my husband. I thought everything was soo good and my husband was so happy sp i thought,
two days ago we had a little argument.My husband critized my daughter and I have a habit of standing up for her . I just do it without thinking so I criticed my husband. He got very upset and we had an argument. I do understand his point, that he did not want to look like an idiot tp my daughter but instead of giving me a lecture or a spanking for never doing that again he did not talk to me all day yesterday and he is now on a buisnesstrip for 11 days and he wrote me an email that he could not do any more DD because he did not feel he had my respect and he could not just pretent.
I am so cunfused. i thougth we were ao happy but apperently he feels that he has not enought selfconfidence so he can handle critical situations.
I thogth this would have been a perfect situation to practice DD but he think I just have known better and since I do not respect him we can not have DD. I do respect him but sometimes I do nt think and that is why i need his help . Right now I do not know what to do. I feel my whole life has gone . all our rules and i feel so unhappy and so alone . I thoughtt he was so happy and we were so much in love because of DD and now because I reactede the wrong way he called it all off.
What can I do?
I just want to say thank you. I never heard of DD until coming across your blog. I've always felt this way and knew at a very young age that I wanted and needed my relationship and marriage to be this way. I didn't know if I was just an old soul or if there was something wrong with me. It is so nice to know there are others out there with the same beliefs. It's really awesome what you and your wife are doing, letting others know their not alone.
@Anonymous (August 21st 2:18 PM) - I'm terribly sorry to hear about this unfortunate situation. I can tell you're upset about it, and I'm sure he is too. There's a lot I want to say here, so get comfortable. My response is going to be a long one.
I see behavior problems in both of you in this situation. I'll start from the top.
When your husband is criticizing/disciplining your daughter, he's doing so with good intentions (just like he does with you in your DD marriage). I understand wanting to stand up for your daughter, but you MUST understand that your husband needs to you support his discipline of the children IN FRONT of the children in that moment (even if you initially disagree - I'll get to that in a second). If you undermine his authority, he loses respect from the children, and it will send your children the wrong message. "Well daddy said no, but mommy says it's okay so I'll just do it anyway." I don't think you need me to tell you that's a problem. That's putting YOU as the HoH, and since you're in a DD marriage, I don't believe that's what you want. He needs to be the authority in the home, and you, as his wife, need to support him in his decisions.
Now, with that said, if you DISAGREE with what he was saying/doing to your daughter in terms of criticism and/or discipline, you should absolutely talk to him about it when the children are not present. Compromise and come to an agreement on what behaviors from your children are acceptable, and what criticisms/punishments are acceptable to say/apply to your children.
Second, I feel your husband was incorrect in his decision to basically ignore you all day and leave on an 11-day business trip with no resolution to this problem. You've perfectly illustrated why that's a problem in your comment - it makes you unhappy, it makes you second guess the strength of the marriage, etc. He should have punished you accordingly before he left.
To your question - what should you do? Well, I would call him when you know he has free time and talk about what happened. Apologies from both of you are a very good place to start. Talk things out, get all your feelings out in the open, and come to some kind of reconciliation so you're not going to bed angry/upset at each other. Also discuss your intentions with DD. Does he REALLY want to call it all off? He may just need time to cool down from what happened, and he may have said that he "wanted to call it off" in the heat of the moment. If he does want to stop DD, then that's that. If he doesn't, then talk about how DD is going to be done in your marriage going forward. Explain that it isn't that you don't respect him, you just have moments where you don't think and you need his help in fixing that. Also, somewhere in this phone call I would respectfully tell him that making decisions while angry or "in the heat of the moment" is generally a bad idea.
I know my answer is long winded, but I feel it was all important. I hope it helps. I really do. I wish you the best of luck in moving past this issue.
-- Clint
@Anonymous (August 21st 2:18 PM) - Thank you so much. I'm glad you're enjoying the blog. There are many who desire this type of relationship, and many who are very very happy with it in their relationship. You're definitely not alone. :)
Welcome to Learning Domestic Discipline. Thank you for reading and supporting the blog. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.
-- Clint
Thank You Clint.
My husband did write me an email sayng that as long as he did not trust himself as a HOH and I did not respect him he would not be truthful if we carried on. He did write that we may eventually start again when he has read more about it. I just do not believe he will do it.
It sometimes make him upset when I say,"This in not how you should react... readwhat clint says" Then he feels I am telling him what to do and then he does not feel he has the authority....Well I understand that but i can not help getting disappointed when I read about how wonderful things can be done....But my husband is good and he has really trie to do his very best and I love him with all my heart and he is so unselfish and thinks of others .
Well I can not phone him because he does not like talking problems over the phone. I did write him an email telling that I didrespect his discission and I apoligize for being upset. I really trie to be very respecful.
well have a nice weekend
Ulrikke
Ulrikke,
I am sorry that you are having troubles in your marriage. Let take a moment to make a couple of observations. I have the feeling that you have a very quiet spoken man who is easy going and has quiet struggle. He may struggle with self esteem and confidence. When this is the case it is our job as spouses to build them up and show them that we believe in them and have faith in their ability to lead. We don't have to agree with everything. When The Man and I disagree over the kids, we do it NOT in front of them.
Also, I don't think you meant to, but the impression I get from the above message is that your husband isn't meeting up to your standards. If I am getting that, I can bet he is as well. Also, I understand longfing for things to be different and longing for what others have. However, their marriage is not yours. Your relationship is your own. It is devastating to a man to compare him to someone else. Especially when you are comparing what HE has done in comparison to another man. It would be beneficial for you to start at the beginning. Working on building up his self esteem and making him know you trust him and believe in him.
Sorry for the sabotage Clint..
Dana
Dana. I know.I know...But i just wanted him to read a bit more because if DD should work we both have to be happy.... Clints way of writing is just so good and I just can not help wishing that my husband would read a bit more. He has read something and he is a quick learning and he was very good at lecturing actually.
And yes he normally is a very quiet man .But actually i have told him how happy I was and how good he was and how secure I felt and we were very much in love. So I am not only bad:)
I just do not know what to do without being spanked sometimes. It makes me feel relaxed and happy afterwards and I feel so close to my husband especially after a cry.
I do trust him but I just get so devistated if such a little thing can make him call it all off just 2 days before he was happy so I thought.
well Thanks for your comments Dane I do appreciate things and actually I have google "how to respect your man" and found some excellent tips.
Ulrikke
The Man hates, HATES to spank me. I had to come to the place that I understood it was something I needed and he dreaded. He has come to understand that I NEED this. There was an article anywhere that helped him understand MY feelings, because they are well mine.
I would encourage you to approach it frome that perspective. Something like, "Honey, I know that you are trying to give me what I need and I can't tell you how that humbles me. It makes me feel so safe and loved that you want to put me first, us first, that I can trust you to do that." Then explain, "I don't know why this helps me but it does. If gives me an avenue to be closer to you, it allows me to open my heart to you and THAT is what I want more than anything." Or something like that. I didn't think you were a bad person, at all. I just know from personal experience how detrimental it can be to a marriage for your man to feel criticized. I hope it goes well.
Dana
Well I do not think he hates spanking me actuall.Well he has done it ánd i think he does like us being so close afterwards. I just think he struggles with be not being respectful enough and instead of punishing me he become quiet and can go days without talking to me and that really effects the whole family. I can cry and i can apoligice andI can beg him to talk to me-That is the worst punishment anyone can get...But I just do not know what to do when he comes in that mood. i feel unloved . Well Thanks for your commen dana
Ulrikke
Your comment reminded me of an old poem:
A CHOICE OF WEAPONS
Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
Aimed with angry art.
Words can sting like anything,
But silence breaks the heart.
Phyllis McGinley
Good luck!
M.V.
Thank you Phyllis. Ulrikke
Wanting this type of relationship was one of many reasons I got divorced ten years ago. I swore when I remarried again that I'd find a man who would give me what I wanted. Its not always easy and its harder than you think. I dated my current husband for about a year before we remarried and I worked on him the entire time. I was quite honest in the beginning and told him I was looking for a man who was willing to be in charge in our marriage. One who would keep me in my place as his wife. One who would love me, but would discipline when I stepped outside my boundaries. That confused him. So, I finally told him that I expected to be paddled when I didn't behave correctly. I even showed him a small wood paddle that I have. We started by reading stories that featured spankings. I found out he liked certain types of lingerie and panties, so I made a point of taking him to the store and letting him do a lot of the choosing. Its taken several years, but now I get the DD I want. He's not afraid to crack my bare butt good now with that paddle. Its great.
My husband and I are giving this a go. I want to be submissive to him, honour him as my husband and give him the respect he deserves. We have been married more than 20 years, and during that time I have been independent and have knocked him back all the time. This never came home to me until over the last few years I have watched him outside the home talk and smile to people like he never does at home. It was this that made me realise that, even though he has never really been a stand up person, I had taken him to the point where in his own home he felt threatened by my personality of independence, manipulativeness etc. I have not treated him the way a wife is supposed to treat their husbands. I have constantly disobeyed and bought friction to what should be a haven from the world. A husband should not have to go outside the home to be his own person, in his own right. He is not quite on board with this as far as the discipline goes, but this, quite frankly, is the only way I think our marriage will be where it should be. I hope I have not prattled here to much, but as a last note, thank you Clint for your blogging.
Hi Clint,
I recently found your blog and I've found it very interesting. I've tried to bring this up with my husband but he jokes about it and calls it porn. That is probably mostly my fault because I've introduced erotic spankings in the past. But, I understand the DD lifestyle is really different. I like the closeness that you talk about and sometimes I find my marriage lacking that. As an example I have real issues with communication due to a long history of abuse in past relationships which can lead to lying amongst many other problems. My hope is that the structure would help me to overcome some of my problems. The issue is my husband is in the law enforcement field and is honestly concerned that if anyone found out, even if it's consensual, it could cost him his career. He's also seen a great deal of true domestic violence at his job and I think he worries about crossing that line. So, how can I approach this in a way to make him feel comfortable. Are there any other police families out there? I have some time to think about this. We recently moved to be closer to his family and to get away from a horrible work situation for him so he's currently unemployed and we're living with family until we can sell our home. Until he's employed and we're living on our own I don't think this would be a good idea. In a wierd and unexpected way with him not working and me making more money than I ever previously have the family dynamic has changed in way I don't like. I appreciate any help.
Dear Clint and Chelsea
Thank you so much for this great advice.
Followed your suggestions and now hubby is on board and ready to become the HoH.I am so looking forward to this.
I'm tired of the bickering and fights with the one I love.
I've started a blog about our journey with DD.
I know things can only get better.
Hugs
Jack's Jill
http://jillandjackdd.blogspot.dk/
@M3 - I apologize for the late response. It wasn't intentional.
I find it very honorable that you can identify the faults in your marriage, and that you have the initiative to correct them. It takes a strong person to admit all of their faults. I hope domestic discipline brings you and your husband the same happiness it has brought to so many other couples. If you stick with it, there's no doubt in my mind that it will.
Best of luck to you on your DD journey.
@Anonymous (October 15th 3:12 PM) - I apologize to you as well for the very late response. I just can't keep up sometimes.
Given your husbands profession, I think he's having a perfectly reasonable response to the idea of domestic discipline. I'm sure he's seen some terrible things, and he doesn't want to be "grouped" with those people/husbands with anger issues.
I would recommend you give him some reading material, whether it be LDD or otherwise, that fits your ideals of what you feel a domestic discipline relationship is. I think the problem here is his lack of complete understanding of what it is and all it entails, so I feel that once he has a better understanding of what it is you want in your marriage, he'll be more receptive to the idea.
It's really about communication, and giving him the resources he needs to understand the lifestyle completely. Once he understands how the dynamic operates, he may be more open to the idea. Just a suggestion.
Good luck to you.
@Jack's Jill - Wonderful! I'm confident that domestic discipline will bring you happiness and harmony in your home/marriage. Congratulations on your blog as well! Welcome to the blogosphere! :)
All the best to you.
-- Clint
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