Friday, October 12, 2012

Effectiveness of Cues/Warnings

Image courtesy of Colourbox.
We discuss how cues and warnings can be an effective tool for the HoH in a domestic discipline relationship.  You can read this article on our new website by clicking here.


Blue Bird said...

Are not that far along yet in DD to have cues. Do you also need a cue for "That's it, you are getting a spanking", or just a warning cue should do?

Joanie said...

Great post Clint. I'm going to ask my husband to read it. Thanks. It's great to have you back!

Anonymous said...

Just starting DD, and very hopeful this will be the way to enhance an already strong marriage of 30 years. Our roles have been slightly reversed for some years out of circumstance, and I have been looking for a way to return the leadership role to him. I am very impressed with the way you handle yourself, Clint. Your blog and Chelsea's have given me the strength to show my husband what I have been needing for so long. Not a destructive tyrant, but a kind, caring, loving HOH that allows me to be a submissive, (while STILL strong), trusting, loving wife. I appreciate all of the advice and practical knowledge found here. Thank you both for all you give to those of us finding our way back.


hotrod03 said...

We do have a clue we have two really that work together. Me and my hoh call each other baby and have from baby one we never use our really names with each other so when I am getting real close to crossing that line. My hoh walks up to me and says my first name and I love you no one else know what it mean but us. To the family he is just saying I love you. The cue for me is my name. If I do not stop my action he gently hold my up arm and say in my ear that is enough but to everyone passing by he is just given me a kiss. That is the point I know I am in trouble later. This is something we talked about and came to be ok with.

June said...

Ward generally takes my hand, makes eye contact and leans in, which means I should match him, and he will softly say in my ear "You know we don't allow_____. I'm giving you once chance." Quiet, effective and doesn't look like more than an intimate moment.

willie said...

This post is going to prove very informative for Barney I believe. We were just discussing on how he can effectively approach a situation. Some way, in private or not, how he can reach me, yet something he is also comfortable with.

JUNE I love how Ward words it " ...WE don't allow" as this dd thing is something we both agree to- ( and BTW, that kinda sent a chill down my back)

Christina said...

We have a few well established cues. If I'm paying attention to him or know he's there when something is going on, I can tell by his body language or the raised eyebrow and prolonged eye contact. Or he'll scratch his palm, while keeping eye contact. If I'm "not hearing" him or am not aware he's there, he'll take my hand and scratch my palm. All else fails, a few words in the ear privately do the trick!

Picture - you can almost think this guy is a HoH who is warning his woman, and if it wasn't for the slight smile, he would look intimidating (to some). Good post!

Unknown said...

We don't have one as of yet. Funny, we were just talking about the need to have some sort of cue when we are out in public. I will be showing this to Ryan.

Old Fashioned Marriage said...

The soft whisper in the wife's ear works well - the actual words of the warning may differ depending on the circumstances, but the tone will be clear and consistent: Be warned, or else...

Anonymous said...

I'm just a husband who is (along with my wife) considering starting DD, so I don't have an answer to the post, just a question. Can you give me some examples of the types of public behavior that would require a "cue"? My wife and I go out frequently and to be frank, I've never seen her act in a way that would get her into any serious trouble. I wouldn't have thought negative behavior out in public was so common that there's a whole discussion surrounding it. I don't mean to insult anyone by saying this, but acting out in public strikes me as pretty childish. I am sure there must be more to it than that--which is why I've asked for examples.

Most of the issues we're trying to address have to do with my wife not taking care of herself like she should. She works extremely hard--keeps house beautifully and manages to cook 3 meals from scratch every day, while raising our 2 kids. She puts everyone else first, but it's really taking its toll on her. She's completely spent by the end of the day and she's at least 10lbs underweight, both of which she admits, but it's not enough to get her to change and when I bring it up she gets snappy with me. Could DD help with this?

Anonymous said...

Hubby and I are new to this so we don't really have a set one but we have some older friend who we are not quite sure live this life style by what we saw went on one moment which we actually started using. We actually find it can defuse a situation its so funny. Our friends we were talking about insurance and the wife was getting all riled up and the husband in his country way he hollered out "settle down" just the look that came across her face and she shut up my husband and I cracked up later. He uses it with me to make me laugh cause I just can't help it.

Dana said...

I have to say, usually, "The Look", is all that needs to happen. Sometimes, if it's something he would prefer not be discussed in public, he will put his arm around me and whisper to me, but, if I am really upset (usually tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated) he will "ask" to speak to me in private. Like I said, I try really, REALLY hard to keep it in "the Look" range...

By Grace Alone said...

Great post! Something I wouldn't have thought of..we don't have things labelled as "cues", I don't guess. But, he'll usually put his arm around me, squeeze my shoulder, look me with that "LOOK", and say, "Baby..enough." If it goes to "Grace", it's over, I'm dead. Or, at the very least, thoroughly spanked. Steven loathes acting out in public.

49Percent said...

51 is a fan of the raised eyebrow. Of course he is such a joker that all of our friends just figure it's him joking around with me (he even includes the smirk) but I know its not (LOL).

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Blue Bird - I discourage couples from having a "definite spanking coming" cue, since once that cue is given the wife tends to lose motivation to behave. If she KNOWS she's getting spanked when the couple returns home anyway, the behavior tends not to improve much. There's no motivation for her to improve her behavior at that point.

Like all things in DD, it would be a good idea to discuss this with your HoH to see if it's something you both want in your marriage. Best of luck to you.

@Joanie - Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and I hope your husband does as well.

@Pamela - Your comment is very kind, and I (along with my wife) appreciate it so much. I'm so happy to hear that our blogs have been helpful for you. We're honored to have you as a reader.

Congratulations on beginning a DD marriage! It's never too late to do so, and there's no doubt in my mind you and your spouse will experience a better, healthier, and stronger relationship after just a couple of short weeks. If you stick with it, it will change your life (in a good way) forever. It certainly has for us. Best of luck to you both and thanks again for your support of our blogs. It means a lot to us.

@hotrod03 - That's a very good cue, and one I've personally used as well. I'm glad you've found what works best for you both. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

@June - Thank you for sharing your cue. It's a great one, no question. Soft, subtle, and intimate. Very nicely done. I'm happy to hear you've found what works best for you both.

@Wilma Rubble - Did you and Fred divorce? Barney and Betty too? Then you married Barney?! Oh my goodness! Lol. I'm kidding, of course. :)

In all seriousness, finding a cue that sends the all important message between spouses can prove to be very helpful in a DD marriage. I hope you both find something that works well for you two.

@Christina - Excellent cues, and some that my wife and I have used as well. Thanks for sharing your experience.

This picture literally took me over an hour to find, and I'm still not 100% happy with it. Oh well. I was tired of looking for the perfect picture. Sometimes it's frustrating to be so picky.

@Lucy Lou - A cue will be helpful for you two, definitely. I hope you find a good one that works well for you both. Good luck!

All the best to each of you.

-- Clint

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Old Fashioned Marriage - Right, I'm sure the words are different for each couple but the message is pretty universal. Whispering in the ear is a great cue to go forward with.

@Anonymous (October 13th 8:54 PM) - Most examples of negative public behaviors come back to disrepect or, as you said, childish behavior. Cursing in front of others, rudeness/negativity towards you or other people around you, a general negative attitude that makes the experience unpleasant or more difficult - things of that nature would be examples of negative public behaviors. I don't know if you're in the United States or not, but negative public behaviors are glorified on U.S. television nowadays. Acting like a child, being rude, getting drunk, etc., etc., etc. is evidently what draws ratings in our country in this day and age.

Anyway, to your second question - yes, DD can most definitely help with your wife's health issues. Setting a routine (like a bedtime so she gets plenty of sleep, three meals a day, taking medications daily if needed, etc.) can help get her health back on track. You can set it up in a way that upon any breaking of that routine results in some form of punishment (the punishment being your choice). If structured correctly and enforced consistenly, there's no doubt in my mind DD would help to get your wife back on a healthy track.

I hope I've helped you out in some way. Regardless of whether or not you choose to do DD, I wish you nothing but the best in all that you do.

@Anonymous (October 14th 5:54 AM) - All couples have different cues that work for them. Sometimes they're funny to an unsuspecting onlooker, but the message between husband and wife is a pretty clear one, generally. Thanks for sharing your experience.

@Dana - Ahh yes, "The Look" is a popular cue choice. I'm starting to think every couple has this in some form within their marriage. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

@By Grace Alone - You two may not call them cues as I have, but the idea is the same and I'm glad it's effective for you two. Thanks for sharing your experience.

@49Percent - A raised eyebrow from the HoH is a good one. Subtle, but definitive. It sounds like it gets the job done for you two. That's great. :)

All the best to each of you.

-- Clint

willie said...

@Clint, I have a whole explaination on my blog as to why were are Wilma and Barney,(no hot gossip, or affairs between the Rubbles and the Flinstones though). Head over there, ya know in your spare

Anonymous said...

Great post! I know that "LOOK" and "Devilish Grin" My caveman likes to use a lil' too well... not that I would test him or anything lol (:

Becky said...

Very nice choice on the picture. I think the picture and the post both made my stomach flip flop.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't sure where to put this, but I thought I'd share a "deal" my hubby and I have. We've been in a DD for about a year and a half now. I was spanked quite a bit in the first few months and about 1-2 times a month since then. Mostly for bad habits and forgetfulness. We do maintenance however and he's very good at coming up with ideas to help me remember things. I have ADD and he's very understanding of that. So when I say I've been punished for forgetting, it's not really for forgetting--it's really for not taking the steps we've agreed on to help me remember.

So anyway, here's the deal. I actually brought it up jokingly and to my shock, he agreed! If I make it until the end of the year without a punishment spanking--keeping in mind I've yet to make it a full month--then I get to lay 20 good ones on HIM with the wooden paddle. Heehee!!! I doubt I could cause him any serious pain--not that I'd want to, really--but it would sure be fun to get a little frustration out! This is going to be quite a challenge, but I'm determined! Has anyone done anything like this?

Anonymous said...

Hi Clint! I have enjoyed reading your blog as well as Chelsea's blog. My hubby is an alpha male where as I am passive by we are well balanced. While we have no definitive terms to define our relationship, it is an unspoken understanding that he is the head of the household and has the final say in decision making, however he always asks for and considers my input and opinions. Other than a few playful swats for being "sassy", I have never been spanked.

I was intrigued when I stumbled across your blogs recently, mainly due to seeing other women willfully submit to their husbands as I do and acknowledging their husbands as the leader in the relationship. That is indeed a rare find in this crazy "modern" world. Socializing can be challenging for me due to female friends causing drama in our relationship. For example, a group of girls I work with were going to a male strip show at a local bar, and they wanted me to go. I knew there was no need to ask, but to appease my friends, I did tell my husband they invited me. Of course he said no way and told me that was inappropriate (which I agree) but I brought it up to avoid an awkward situation such as him calling me at work and one of my friends picking up the phone and saying, "So are you going to let Tink go to the show with us?" I work with a diverse group...some married, some not but NONE of them understand my marriage and why I won't or can't do things they want me to do. My husband is extremely protective and he doesn't allow me to do things he perceives as dangerous or inappropriate.

I would love to socialize with other couples that share the beliefs and ideals my husband and I do and that will respect our marriage. As far as a "DD lifestyle", I am unsure if it would be a fit for us. I respect and appreciate the ideals, but as I said before, I have never been truly spanked and the thought scares me. My husband scorns me if I do something he doesn't agree with, and I am sure he would have no problem spanking me. Should I introduce this lifestyle to him and take a chance, or should I continue to socially isolate myself? It is taking a toll on my mental state. Your thoughts please?


Anonymous said...

Hi clint
Really missed your bloggs sooooo much This was really good
I sometimes feel I am not getting anywhere fast I am cettainly not rushing things - ie into telling my husband about DD. Just haven't found the right time or the right words - funny though he talked to me about spanking me the other night he meant in a playful way we will be in the house on our own so I am really hoping to take him at his word.

I have been reading the book 'the surrendered wife' and it seems to say not to tell the husband about wanting to be submissive - I was just counting and from I first asked a question on any blogg anywhere and I think it was your blogg its now been about 4-5 months so even according to that book I really should do something. I feel more relaxed about it now and I almost feel I could write my own book about what it feels like to want this and the difficulty leading up to telling a husband.
Oddly enough my husband does give me a look sometimes and sometimes he will say things like 'enough' so this part would come very naturally to us I am sure if only I wasn't such a coward

Anonymous said...

Hey Clint.
My husband read your article about warnings but I am ever so confused.
I got home fromwork vwry tires had a hard day and the house was a mess so I scold my husbad and my son for not helping me.I must admit I was not very nice.
so my husband told me tostop and said this is a warning.
Well i did not stop I guess I was too anoyed so instead of turning the warning into a puishment he actually ignored me and I told him i needed him more than ever to settle things down. He then said,"well I tried I gave you a warning and you did not listen so nothing else i can do" well it it so confusing that if we have to make friends again . He says that DD is great and he loves me but everytime it is a bit difficult he refuses to do anything and says I am the one who choses to behave badly so he sort of ignore me. I get so confused. I feel so onloved. Having a hard day and then have to be the one who should make sure everybody is happy again . sometimes I do not understand why he thinks this DD is good .It is good then I do what he says but when I need him to give me some peace in mind he reacts just the uppersit. Well I am so sad and now after I went for a walk he has got to sleep on the sofa.
He says he has read lots ogf your article but I think he understands them different from me.
Thanks for reading

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Wilma Rubble - I did stop by your blog and I now know the story. :) Good luck to you and Barney going forward.

@Anonymous (October 16th 6:43 AM) - "The Look" seems to be a popular choice among DD couples. And yes, I'm sure you never ever test him. :)

@Becky - Thank you. It took quite some time to find that picture. It seems to set the tone well. Sorry about the knots in your stomach!

@Anonymous (October 17th 7:10 AM) - That's an interesting arrangement you and your husband have agreed to, to say the least. I've never heard of something like that, but if that's what you both have agreed to do, then I'm in no position to judge or question it. All the best to you both.

@Tink - From what I understand, you're basically living the DD dynamic in your marriage without formal punishments. So that part of the equation is already set. I think you have to ask yourself if the punishments are something you truly want in your marriage. Do you feel that adding punishments/spankings to your already present DD dynamic would benefit your marriage? If you TRULY feel that they would, then yes, I would encourage you to discuss it with your husband. If you feel your marriage dynamic is already a healthy one with no need for improvement or enhancement, then I wouldn't try to fix what isn't broken. May as well leave DD out of it if there's nothing to improve upon. In the end you need to do what you think would make you AND your spouse the most happy.

I'm NOT saying you should or should not, but it may be beneficial to you to discuss your marriage dynamic with some of your friends. I think it would take a lot of weight off of your shoulders, and a lot of conflicting emotions off of your mind. Any TRUE friend would be supportive of your choices in life. If they are not supportive of you, then how good of a friend are they truly? You don't need to come right out and say you practice DD if that would make you feel uncomfortable..rather explain how you defer decisions to your husband and trust his judgment. You want him to lead, and you respect his choices, even if it would have been YOUR first choice.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck with it. There's always the LDD Network as well, if you want to talk to other couples that understand and practice the lifestyle. All the best to you.

@Jane - I wouldn't call yourself a coward Jane - it's very difficult to bring something like this up to your spouse. A lot of people struggle with that, not just you. It takes courage no doubt, but I'm confident in saying you'd feel a lot better once your thoughts and feelings are out in the open. Communication is key in any marriage, not just a DD one.

I hope you CAN find that courage. I know you would feel a lot better after talking to your husband about living a DD lifestyle. Good luck to you in the future.

-- Clint

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Ulrikke - Have you expressed your feelings to your husband? He needs to be consistent with enforcing the rules, but he also needs to know how it makes you feel when he doesn't consistently enforce them. It takes two to make this dynamic work correctly, and things aren't going to change or improve unless you discuss this aspect of your marriage regularly, ESPECIALLY if there is some kind of problem.

I recommend you talk to your husband about how his inconsistency makes you feel unloved so he can make the necessary and appropriate changes to get your marriage back on a healthy track.

Good luck to you. I wish you nothing but the best.

-- Clint

John said...

Hi Clint,

I have a question about disrespect. When do you cross the line into disrespect? My wife has an adorable habit of sticking out her tongue in a playful way. While I find this enduring, should I allow this? If she sticks out her tongue disrespectfully, should I punish for this just when it's disrespectful or should I not allow it at all?

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@John - It's difficult to answer your question alluding to when the line is crossed into disrespect because the answer to that question will differ with every HoH. What one HoH considers to be disrespectful behavior may not be viewed as such by another HoH. It's a judgment call for each individual HoH.

If your wife is sticking her tongue out at you and doing so in a light-hearted, playful manner, I don't think you should punish her for that. She's just showing personality, not defiance. With that said, if in the heat of an argument or disagreement she sticks her tongue out at you and it comes off as disrespectful, then you should punish as you see fit. It's all about the context when it comes to something like this.

This is simply my opinion. In the end it's your choice to make, but those are my thoughts on the situation you've described.

All the best to you, John. Good luck.

-- Clint

Belle L said...

Thank you for this and many other informational post. I have printed several of them for my husband to read, from a man's point of view. He seems to appreciate and respond in a positive way, knowing that they are post from another HOH. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I are brand new to DD. honestly, I'm still a little nervous about our new lifestyle and we have yet to experience a true punishment spanking. The first night we agreed to try this, we tried a practice spanking just to get a feel for things. We have some different views regarding the order of things. He has established warnings of saying my name and telling me my behavior is unacceptable. Like someone else mentioned earlier, we both call each other baby so much that just hearing him say my name snaps me to attention. This weekend, I was quite sick and we had a bunch of functions I was heading up so I came across very snippy. A part of me was wanting a spanking just as a release, but he managed to bring me to tears and apologies just with a stern yet gentle reprimand. Of course, since I was very sick with a migraine, it didn't take much. Sometimes I question whether or not he should be spanking me, but ultimately it is his call if he chooses not to. I am very much a strong-willed woman who has tried to run every aspect of our home since day one. Before we started this attempt, we were headed toward divorce, but now, even without spanking so far, we hardly ever fight and when we do, it is quickly resolved by my husband.

Anonymous said...

Hi Clint
I know I am not the only person who finds things difficult. Its just it feels like it has been going on soooo long and the longer it goes the harder it seems to get - I feel I have had so much good advice from yourself and others - and then there are the time I blow and give both my husband and son a really hard time and I. know at those times that these are the times that some form of DD would really be appropriate. I get really down when I feel as it were that I have failed or maybe I should say I feel that I have really behaved in a bad way. Thanks again for your kind words and patience sometimes it just helps to talk to someone hope you are both keeping well


hotrod03 said...

You all sound just like me and my man. We are finding the same fight right now. We have sat down and calmly talked about this issue. I just him that sometimes I get spanked for say being snappy and the next time I do not and it confuses me. I need the same for each time I break the rule. Try making a list of rules and what will happen when each rule is broke. I say this cause what you think is a small thing that maybe writing lines would work as a punishment he may see as something to be spanked over and vise a verses. Good luck keep your head up and keep trying you will find a groove soon.

Anonymous said...

Last night I found myself attention seeking in a major way, I was almost asking for a spanking. Hubby and I don't use maintenance spankings because he won't spank me unless my behavior warrants it, but sometimes I find myself wanting something just as a release and I practically poke at him just to get a response. Since we haven't experienced a punishment spanking yet only lectures and reprimands, could it be I'm testing to find the limits? A part of me questions whether or not he will go through with it though I am pretty darn certain he would have no qualms about it. Even though we did a test run, part od me is curious about what a true punishment would be like. I don't want to put my husband in a position where I force his hand because I know it would hurt him. I haveabit of OCD and am a control freak. I like things done a certain way and always want to know exactly how they will operate. Not knowing what to expect frustrates me and creates a low level anxiety. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Hi Clint

Good to have you back. I have a question for you I don't know if you can answer because I take it this is something you haven't tried. I hear stories about how you can cause a spanking to sting more with water. If you wet your wife's bottom before spanking it will increase the sting. Is this true? Also, if your wife is overweight, could fat cells cushion the sting? Could a well muscled bottom cushion the sting? My wife is overweight but has a tight butt, not a fat one. But she is concerned that being overweight, fat cells in her bottom cushion the sting. Would like your input.

Learning Domestic Discipline said...

@Belle L - I'm so happy to hear it, Belle. Thank you for reading and supporting the blog. I hope it's helpful to your marriage. All the best to you.

@Anonymous (October 22nd 1:37 PM) - I think the majority of couples are nervous to spank for the first time. If you're seeing improvements in your marriage without it, now simply may not be the time for you two to incorporate spankings into your DD practices. As you said, that's your husbands decision to make, and I'm sure he'll make that decision when he feels you both are ready to take that step.

Thanks for sharing your story, and best of luck to you going forward.

@Jane - I can tell you're struggling with feelings such as guilt and remorse, and there's no question in my mind Domestic Discipline would help you with those emotions. As I said before, I hope you can summon the courage to discuss this with your spouse in the near future. I think this lifestyle would benefit you both tremendously. I wish you the very best of luck.

@hotrod03 - It sounds like there are some inconsistency issues from your husband with your DD practices, which is something I'm convinced every couple goes through at some point. You're doing the right thing by communicating your feelings to him about it. All you can do is express yourself to your husband, and once you do so, it's in his hands to make some changes in an effort to improve the marriage. Good luck to you.

@Anonymous (October 23rd 2:31 PM) - Have you said all of this to your husband? If not, I would show him your comment. You expressed yourself very well, and he needs to know how you feel about all of this. Whether you show him your comment, or send him an email, or write him a letter, or talk to him face-to-face, he needs to know how important it is to you that he commit to the lifestyle wholeheartedly and help you with your faults (control freak, acting out for attention, etc.)

Speaking as a man, we don't pick up on "hints" very well. Just tell us. It's easier that way. :)

I hope this helps! Good luck to you.

@Anonymous (October 24th 10:58 AM) - Thank you! I'm glad to be back.

Yes, it is true. The concept you're referring to is a concept known as "wet spanking" (brilliant name, huh?), however it isn't typically water that is used as the wetting agent - it's an anesthetic called "witch hazel." It's gaining in popularity, but I don't know enough about the concept to feel comfortable recommending it to couples. I do know, however, that the idea of wet spanking should only be considered by experienced couples.

The buttocks has nerves regardless of the size of the buttocks, or "fat cells" (as you put it) in the buttocks, or the muscle content of the buttocks. I wouldn't say additional "fat cells" cushion the sting per se, but it may take harder strikes/more strikes to bring those nerves to the surface of the buttocks. Once the nerves are to the surface, the spanking is going to be painful regardless of the shape, tone, fat content, etc. of the buttocks.

I hope this helps. All the best to you and yours.

-- Clint

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