Domestic Discipline Obstacles - Injury (Wife)

  Every now and then a couple will run into an unexpected obstacle to overcome when trying to actively practice Domestic Discipline.  A few of these obstacles have already been discussed on Learning Domestic Discipline (the links can be found at the end of this entry), with one of them being a situation where a couple must work around an injury to the husband (or head of the household).  Obviously injuries and/or illness can happen to wives as well, and just as with the other Domestic Discipline obstacles, this situation can be a very difficult one to deal with.

Image courtesy of profimedia.si.

  In a situation where the wife is injured or ill for any length of time, it goes without saying there should be a great deal of compassion and understanding from the husband (or HoH).  This is a delicate and sensitive situation and should be treated as such.  The husband's (or HoH's) primary focus needs to be nursing his wife back to complete health.  That, obviously and without question, is the number one priority.  It is also recommended, however, that the husband continue to enforce the rules of the household as he sees fit, even while in this difficult situation.  This may mean having to alter the punishments to a certain extent, but punishments should still be carried out when the wife displays any unwanted, dangerous or detrimental behavior.

  The expectations and/or rules of the household should not have an "on/off" switch so to speak, and being injured, ill, or even pregnant (which is an entirely different situation which needs to be addressed entirely differently) is not an excuse for the wife to take advantage of the situation by disrespecting the rules of the marriage and/or home (or ignore them completely).  The husband (or HoH) needs to ensure the integrity of the rules remains in tact at all times.  By doing so, the harmony in the home will not be disrupted, which is very important in achieving long term happiness within the marriage and household.

  In a situation where the wife is injured or ill, certain punishments simply may not be possible.  It's recommended the husband (or HoH) use alternate forms of punishment to remain consistent in enforcing the rules of the marriage/household.  The wife may display a behavior that, under normal circumstances, would constitute a spanking.  However given her unfortunate condition, other punishments will suffice until the wife is completely healthy.  These alternate punishments are to be chosen at the discretion of the husband (or HoH), with the best interest of his wife in mind at all times.  This may mean having to remove privileges rather than spank, or write lines rather than do corner time, or some other more mild form of punishment to replace another that cannot be done, but the important point is that the husband must continue enforcing the rules of the marriage and home at all times.  If he does not, problems would likely ensue and disrupt the dynamic and direction of the marriage and household.

  The following paragraph was written under two assumptions - 1) the behavior displayed by the wife constitutes a spanking in the mind of the husband, and 2) the wife's expected recovery time from her injury or illness is one week or less.

  The most common recommendation I give in a situation like this is one in which the husband holds his wife accountable for her actions each day with a mild punishment (such as writing lines, for example) each day until he is able to spank.  This will serve as a reminder to the wife that her behavior was unwanted, dangerous or detrimental and she is being, and will be, held accountable for it.  This reminder each day also serves as a deterrent from additional unwanted, dangerous or detrimental behaviors from her during that time frame.  This will decrease the likelihood of any additional infractions from her, as well as decrease the likelihood of a repeat of the initial infraction.  Then, once the wife is back to 100% health, I recommend the spanking be conducted.
 
  The following paragraph was again written under two assumptions - 1) the behavior displayed by the wife constitutes a spanking in the mind of the husband, and 2) the wife's expected recovery time from her injury or illness is one week or more.

  Holding the wife accountable with a small punishment each day is sufficient for up to a week, however if her expected recovery time is more than a week, then other measures need to be taken.  It's unreasonable to hold the wife accountable each day for weeks upon weeks at a time.  So, in this situation, I recommend the husband hold his wife accountable with a small punishment each day for up to a week, with the last day being the most intense day.  By "the most intense day", I mean carrying out the punishment in a manner that is more lengthy, or more excessive, than the previous days.  For example - for the first six days, remove TV privileges for four hours each day.  Then on the seventh day, remove TV privileges for the entire day.  The last day will serve as the "big punishment" so to speak, and will conclude the overall punishment.  This is just an example of course, but it illustrates the overall recommendation.

  An injury or illness to a spouse is never an easy situation as it is.  Trying to incorporate Domestic Discipline practices while in this unfortunate situation makes things even more difficult.  It's important, however, for the husband (or HoH) to continue enforcing the rules to keep the marriage on the right path.  It's equally important that he do so while maintaining elevated levels of compassion, support and love to his wife.  Getting her healthy is the most important thing, and keeping the harmony in the home is also extremely important.  With the correct balance, this can be achieved with wonderful results. 

  This was the fourth installment of the Domestic Discipline Obstacles series.  To view the first three, click on the links below.

• Domestic Discipline Obstacles - Children
• Domestic Discipline Obstacles - Travel
• Domestic Discipline Obstacles - Injury (HoH)

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Posted in: Domestic Discipline Marriage,Domestic Discipline Obstacles

Guest Blogger - Handling Angry Spankings

  I've made many friends throughout the blogging community since this blog was born.  The LDD Network has given me an opportunity to know these bloggers on a personal level, and I've learned how much knowledge and insight they have to offer readers.  I have many of them linked in the blogroll on the right-hand side of the blog, but I wanted to go a step further.  I've asked a fellow blogger to contribute to my blog directly.

  Christina from the blog Red Booty Woman has accepted my request to be a guest blogger on Learning Domestic Discipline.  The following words are written entirely by her.  They have not been changed, altered, or otherwise manipulated in any fashion.  

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Image courtesy of lipglossculture.com.

  Anger. Frustration. Both are valid emotions and ones that are often present in a situation when a decision to spank is made. But what happens if the man has lost control of his anger and still administers a spanking? This can be a touchy subject, because every one of us should make every effort to ensure it doesn’t happen. Yet it can happen. Personally, I’ve only had experience with this situation once in our marriage, and it was the result of a lot of unusual factors; prolonged lack of sleep, a tragedy that wasn’t being dealt with in a productive manner, intense stress and emotion.

  In life, there are different degrees of anger. We’ve all experienced them. Anger can run the range of being annoyed or “pissed” at someone or a situation to “seeing red” because you’re so angry that you can’t see or think straight. I’m not suggesting that anyone, and in this case, men in particular, should have to hide or repress their emotions and remain calm at all times, in every circumstance. After all, if we hide our emotions from our significant other, we are hiding part of ourselves, since our emotions are valid and should be heard in a constructive manner. Emotions are what make us human.

  What I am suggesting is that men, especially when planning to spank with an implement, should make every effort to make sure they have control of their emotions and will proceed in a calmer manner. If this means, walking away for a bit, do just that. This is YOUR responsibility.

  A loss of control could involve grabbing her, forcing her into position, spanking with an implement without any warm up or care until his anger has been taken out on her bottom, it could be pushing away afterwards without any type of comfort, spanking without discussing the reason for the punishment. It could involve spanking too long or too hard and violating the limits that he would feel are fair if he was more in control.

  Reacting like this can cause harm, both physical and emotional. Every man in a DD marriage or relationship, should have the care and feelings of his woman in mind at all times, especially when punishing. She has given him her complete trust by submitting to his discipline and it’s his responsibility to ensure she isn’t harmed. Losing control to the point where you cause harm, may not be an easy situation to fix or it might take some time to rebuild her trust in you.

  I, personally, feel the risk of emotional harm is greater and longer lasting to the marriage/relationship and to the trust between a couple. Spanking when you are out of control can leave the man with intense regret and remorse for causing harm but it can also leave the woman with feeling that she was brutalized, treated unfairly and can threaten the respect and the trust we give to our men.

If this loss of control happens, what do you do?

• Men, you need to apologize. That sounds simple enough but sometimes the hardest words to say to someone, even the one you love, is “I’m sorry!”
• Make amends. This can take any form but should be something you give of yourself in a genuine manner. Make it count.
• Make her a promise that you will always be aware of your anger and the responsibility you have as the HoH to maintain control of your actions. It is your responsibility as the leader to ensure she feels safe, even when you’re angry.
• If it is a persistent problem, get help. Anger management and/or individual or couple’s counseling are available all over the country.
• Women, you need to find a way to accept his apology and offer forgiveness and a “clean slate”, just as he would accept and provide these for you. What is really hard is rebuilding the feeling of trust you once had in him before the angry, out of control episode. This may be a challenge that may take some time. He may have to show you that he can remain in control of his anger when he is spanking. When this situation happened with us, I withdrew my consent to be spanked by any implement until he showed me that he could and would maintain control of himself.

  This is a drastic measure, and not one I would recommend to be taken lightly. It worked in our situation, but it may not be right in yours.

  On the other side of the discussion, there is the belief that there is nothing basically wrong with allowing anger (which he has control of) to motivate the reason for a spanking. A spanking allows a natural feeling like anger to be expressed in a constructive way. If anger is channeled into a spanking, there are more advantages to restore harmony rather than arguing, saying hurtful words or withdrawing into cold silences.

Whether or not anger is present, control and care are the keys.

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  This is Clint again, and I'd like to thank Christina for her wonderful, well-written contribution to Learning Domestic Discipline.  I encourage readers to check out her blog.  She offers a unique perspective on all things DD, she brings over 20 years of DD experience to the table, and she ties in a wonderful sense of humor beautifully into her writing.

  If you'd like to write a guest post for Learning Domestic Discipline, please express so in the comments below.  Also, unless specifically asked, I will not respond to comments on this blog entry.  Any questions on this entry will be answered by Christina on her own time.  

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Posted in: Domestic Discipline Marriage,Guest Bloggers,Spanking

Rubbing Before, During, and After a Spanking

   

ATTN: The new website has launched!  You can find this post on the new site by clicking here.

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  Throughout this blog I've indicated that rubbing the buttocks immediately after a spanking isn't recommended, and why.  There are times, however, where rubbing the buttocks is beneficial to the entire spanking process.  The act of rubbing the buttocks has come up a few times in the comments recently, so I felt now was a good time to discuss the rubbing aspect of a spanking.  This entry will address rubbing before, during, and after the spanking process.

It was impossible to find an appropriate image for this entry. So I went with this one courtesy of dreamstime.com.

RUBBING BEFORE A SPANKING

  Rubbing the buttocks before a spanking isn't recommended simply because it isn't necessary.  This would do nothing to aid in the spanking process and holds no purpose when it comes to correcting the behavior.  The wife may request this as a means of calming her down if she's nervous, or to feel as though the husband cares more, and in these instances it can be done if the husband feels it necessary, however it's not recommended to rub the buttocks before a spanking.  It's best to remain in "discipline mode" (for lack of a better term) to convey the message to the wife that this is a punishment situation.

RUBBING DURING A SPANKING

  Throughout the entire spanking process, there are numerous recommended times for the husband to rub the buttocks of his wife, with the only exception being a beginner level spanking.  With beginner level spankings, rubbing the buttocks isn't necessary at any point during the spanking process since it's a relatively mild spanking that poses no threat of bruising (unless strikes are done at or near full force, which is not recommended).  However spanking at the intermediate or advanced level or any variation thereof, there are times during the process where rubbing IS recommended.

  The first is rubbing immediately after the warm up spanking, just before the "main" spanking is done.  It's recommended the husband rub the buttocks for approximately 2-3 minutes at this point, and there are numerous reasons for that.  The first reason is the rubbing at this point will subdue the sting a bit.  The warm up spanking isn't intended to be the correcting influence, but rather intended to "prepare" the buttocks for the remainder of the spanking.  The pain from the warm up should strictly be on the surface of the buttocks, and the rubbing will reduce the intensity of the sting.  This reduction in intensity isn't detrimental to the correction of the behavior since the purpose of the warm up spanking is to prevent bruising only, not to correct the behavior.

  The second reason rubbing after the warm up is recommended is that it prepares the nerves for the remainder of the spanking.  I touched on this in the previous paragraph - this will prevent bruising.  The nerves are brought to the surface of the buttocks during the warm up, and rubbing at this point will slightly reduce the inflammation of the nerves, but keep them on the surface.  This will keep the "main" spanking painful, but it will also reduce the risk of bruising.

  The third reason is that the rubbing comforts the wife in the middle of this process.  It's important that husbands keep their wives' emotions in mind at all times.  Not only is she dealing with the pain in her buttocks, but she's also dealing with feelings of guilt, remorse, stress, among others.  Rubbing in this moment, even if only for 2-3 minutes, can really calm the wife and relax her, as well as help her feel loved, cared for, and protected.  Those things are important in any marriage dynamic.

  Spanking at the intermediate level or the advanced level also has breaks where rubbing the buttocks is recommended between sets of strikes for approximately two minutes.  This rubbing is done for a lot of the same reasons as the rubbing after a warm up spanking is done.  This is a calming influence and a loving gesture that reassures the wife that her husband cares, and is in complete control of himself.  This also slightly reduces the intensity of the sting BRIEFLY, which helps the wife absorb the remainder of the spanking.  Rubbing at this point stimulates the nerves, and this is important so the nerves do not become numb to the remainder of the spanking.  As painful as the spanking process is, it's important that the wife not become numb to the strikes.  If that happens, the spanking loses it's overall effectiveness.

RUBBING AFTER A SPANKING 

  Rubbing the buttocks immediately after a spanking isn't something I recommend husbands do, nor allow their wives to do.  The key part of that sentence is "immediately after."  There are times after the spanking where rubbing the buttocks is a good thing which I'll explain in just a moment, but immediately afterward is not recommended.

  It's a very common, second nature reaction for wives to want to rub their buttocks after a spanking.  It's completely understandable and completely normal.  However doing this can be detrimental to the ultimate goal of correcting the initial unwanted, dangerous or detrimental behavior.  Rubbing the buttocks after the spanking will reduce the intensity of the sting, which is counter-productive to the purpose of a spanking.  The intense, burning/stinging sensation is the primary deterrent to any repeat in behavior, so the idea is to keep that sensation intense as long as possible to serve as the strongest reminder possible for the wife to get her behavior corrected.  It's this exact pain that gets the wife thinking before she acts in the future.  Depending on the severity of the spanking, this initial intense stinging/burning sensation will naturally subdue on it's own anywhere between 30-60 minutes after the spanking, which is the ideal time frame.

  Earlier I suggested there IS an appropriate time after a spanking to begin rubbing the buttocks.   That time is after that intense initial burning/stinging sensation from a spanking goes away.  Generally speaking that's somewhere between 30-60 minutes after the spanking, but the wife will still be in pain and/or uncomfortable for several hours.  Having said that, if the wife requests to rub her buttocks, or requests her husband to rub her buttocks after the spanking, I recommend this only be allowed/done after 60 minutes of time has elapsed after the final strike of the spanking.  This time frame ensures the intense sensation is gone, and thus the rubbing now acts as a comforting gesture rather than a pain-reduction tactic.

  I've stated repeatedly on this website that the comforting after a spanking is very important, and the rubbing of the buttocks can be part of the comforting process, however I only recommend it be a part of that process after a minimum of 60 minutes time has elapsed to achieve the best overall long-term results.

  It's not easy to refrain from rubbing the buttocks after a spanking.  If this is a problem for a couple, I recommend there be a punishment administered to the wife if the husband does not allow rubbing afterward.  What that punishment is would ultimately be determined by the head of the household.

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Posted in: Domestic Discipline Marriage,Rubbing,Spanking

LDD Network Valentine's Day Special

  Love is in the air this time of year.  Valentine's Day is just a week away!  To celebrate the holiday of love, the Learning Domestic Discipline Social Network is offering a special:

**From now until February 14th, 2012, get TWO MONTHS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!  When you pay the first week, you get two months of membership, giving you one month FREE!!**

  Now is your chance to join a growing Domestic Discipline community and interact with the many wonderful members within.  You'll also have access to the many features the network has to offer.  Read more about them here.

There's no need to wait any longer!  Come join us!

SIGN ME UP!

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Posted in: Social Network

February Couples Challenge - Addressing Faults

  Once again I'm late on the monthly Couples Challenge, and once again I ask for your forgiveness on that.  It has been a crazy week for my wife and I to say the least, and we're now currently nursing our sick baby boy back to health over the weekend.  I know many of you are patiently waiting for my responses to your comments/questions.  I assure you I will get to them as soon as I possibly can.  Thank you for understanding and hanging in there with me.

Let's get to the challenge! 

  I hope I'm not the first to break this news to you but nobody is perfect, including you and your spouse.  We all have faults we find in ourselves, and faults we find in our spouses.  These faults aren't easy to admit to, or raise awareness upon and have an open, constructive adult discussion with your partner about.  In order to improve upon a relationship or a marriage, one needs to know what he/she needs to improve upon that may be causing strife in the relationship, as well as acknowledge one's own characteristics that need improvement.  That's what February's Couples Challenge is all about.

FEBRUARY COUPLES CHALLENGE

  Reflect upon yourself and your marriage and identify one fault of yours that needs improvement.  Come forward and admit this fault to your spouse, discuss how you plan to improve upon it, and express how your improvement upon this fault will benefit the marriage.  After doing so, discuss with your spouse one fault/trait you'd like him/her to improve upon as well.  This exercise will build communication and trust, and will address two important aspects within the marriage that need improvement.  Improvement upon these things will lead to a healthier, happier, and stronger marriage.

Image courtesy of sheknows.com.

Example:

• I need to improve upon on "swallowing my pride."  Without a doubt my pride can get in the way of constructive conversation with my wife, and it's something I need to work on.  I'm not always right, I make mistakes just like everyone else, and I need to stop letting my pride get in the way of the best course of action for our marriage and the overall happiness of our home.  Even when I know I'm wrong in any given discussion, it's hard for me to admit I'm wrong sometimes.  There's no need or place for that in our marriage, and I plan on improving in this area by "swallowing my pride."

• My wife can improve upon "letting her feelings out."  Often times my wife will hold in her true feelings in an effort to keep things calm, steady and settled within the marriage and home.  Keeping these feelings deep within isn't healthy for her and isn't constructive, and thus can lead to unnecessary additional problems down the road.  The earlier these feelings can be addressed, the better it will be for the marriage and family.

  February's Couples Challenge isn't an easy one, but one that will break down any communication walls that so many of us struggle with at times.  That's healthy for any relationship. 

If you missed past Couples Challenges, you can find them with these links:

May Couples Challenge: The Rules (a must for beginners)
June Couples Challenge: Great Qualities - Part I
July Couples Challenge: Great Qualities - Part II
August Couples Challenge: Confessions
September Couples Challenge: Planning Improvement
October Couples Challenge: Spontaneity
November Couples Challenge: Gratitude
December Couples Challenge: Charity
January Couples Challenge: Compliments 

Best of luck with the challenge!

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Posted in: Couples Challenge,Domestic Discipline Marriage